Amaryllis (Suitors of Seattle) (9 page)

“I didn’t know,” she said in a whisper.

“You also need to get your husband’s name put on your bank account so he can withdraw money when he needs to.  Your salary at the library isn’t much, but you’ve saved it all for more than a year.  It’s enough to rent a larger house, or even buy a small house outright.  You and Alex should find a bigger place to live.”  He stood.  “Come with me and we’ll fill out the paperwork.”

Amaryllis stood
and followed, filled out the paperwork, and walked the whole way home in a daze.  Had she really done the same thing she’d accused Alex of doing?  Had she mistrusted him for no reason, when he had truly done nothing wrong?  What kind of woman did that make her?  She’d never thought of herself as a jealous person, but apparently, that’s exactly what she was.

When she arrived home, she found Alex at the stove cooking dinner for them.  She put down the book she’d carried with her, and walked up behind him, rubbing his shoulders and slowly moving her hands around to his chest.  She didn’t like the way he was checking up on her at work, of course, but she understood better now.  Circumstances made them both feel they couldn’t trust the other.

Alex turned and looked at her in surprise.  What had come over her that she was now acting as if she was happy to see him?

“Why are you suddenly acting like you like me again?” he asked bluntly.

She sighed.  “I just went to the bank to deposit my pay, and I had a long talk with my papa.”

“That’s good, I guess.  What does that have to do with us?”

“I’m so sorry, Alex.  I never should have accused you of seeing Sarah when we were courting.  I should have believed you when you told me the truth about her.”

He shook his head.  “I guess he and John had a talk, and your father found out the truth?  So you can believe your papa, who heard it from John, who heard it from my mother, who heard it from me, but you can’t believe me?  Why would you believe a story that’s gone through so many people when you couldn’t just believe me?  Your husband?”

She hung her head, refusing to look at him.  “I’m so sorry, Alex.  I should have believed in you.”

“Yes, you should have.  It really hurts my feelings to find out that you believe everyone in the world, but not me.  Why is everyone else more trustworthy than I am?”

“I was hurt.  Doesn’t that make sense to you?”

“Yes, it does make sense that you were hurt.  What doesn’t make sense is that you were willing to throw away a love you had for me, your ‘soul mate’ because of something you had no proof of.  And now, just because someone else says it’s true, all is well, and suddenly I’m trustworthy again.  I love you, Amaryllis, but my love for you has never wavered.  I wish I could say the same for you.”

She nodded.  “I understand.  I hope you’ll be able to forgive me someday.”  She turned to walk away, but he caught her by the shoulder. 

“I need some time to get over this.  It does anger me that you believe someone else and not me, but I still love you.  I want to work this out.”

She turned to look at him.  “Will you trust me that nothing is happening between Lawrence and me, the same way I trust you?”

He shrugged.  “I never kissed Sarah.  I heard you and Lawrence talk about kissing.  And we were already married.  That really bothers me.”

Amaryllis sighed.  “I kissed him before we were engaged.  I kissed him when I thought we’d never be able to reconcile, and it was only one kiss.”

“Was I already back in town when you kissed him?” he asked.  He wasn’t sure why the answer to that question was so important to him, but it was.  When he’d arrived in town, he’d made it very clear that he’d wanted nothing more than to marry her.  If she’d kissed another man after that, he wasn’t sure if he could forgive her.

She bit her lip and then nodded slowly.  “Yes, it was the night before we…consummated our relationship.”

He sighed.  “That’s why I can’t trust you and Lawrence.  You knew I was in love with you when you kissed him.  You knew I was here and wanting to marry you.  You knew
you were the most important thing in my life.  And you kissed him.”

She closed her eyes, feeling like a blow had fallen on her.  “I’m sorry.  I had been seeing him before you came back to town, and he asked if he could kiss me.  I wanted to see if I would react to another man’s kisses the same way I’d reacted to yours.  I’d never kissed anyone but you.”  She took a deep breath, not wanting to give him more power over her until he told her everything, but knowing she needed to.  “Kissing him was like kissing my father or my uncle.  There was no feeling there.  You kiss me and a slow fire spreads through my entire body.  He kissed me
, and I felt like taking a nap.”

Alex looked down at her and pulled her up against him, understanding how hard those words had been for her.  “We’re going to make our marriage work, Amaryllis, but it’s going to take me time to get over the fact that you can’t trust me the way you trust everyone else in your life.”

She nodded, standing on tiptoe to brush a kiss across his lips.  “I do love you, Alex.”

He sighed, clutching her to him.  Those were the words he’d been waiting to hear.  “I know you do.  We just need to figure out how to interact with each other without always fighting and hurting each other.  Trust is too important to keep going on this way.”

“I think the reason that I believed it so readily is you had once written daily, and then it went down to weekly.  You didn’t seem to have time for me anymore, and it just seemed to make sense that there was someone else in your life.”  She shook her head.  “It doesn’t excuse me, of course, but I do want you to understand where my mind was.”

“I was staying up until all hours writing you a letter every day.  I wasn’t getting enough sleep.  I never should have started it.  I used the excuse of your mother being against our relationship, but the honest truth was I couldn’t keep up.”  He sighed.  “I was actually relieved when you wrote to me and said you were too young to commit.  I was able to stop writing to you and focus on getting finished with school so I could come home and marry you.”  He stroked her cheek with the back of his finger.  “That was always my goal, though.  To hurry home so we could start our lives together.”

“So you really expected that when you got home I’d be waiting for you, and we’d marry right away?”

“The day after I got here, I walked to your house with a bouquet of flowers in my hand and an engagement ring in my pocket.  I fully expected to leave your house with a wedding date in mind.”

“I never saw you!  Did my parents turn you away?”  She stared up at him in surprise.

“I was in front of your neighbor’s house when I saw you pull up with Lawrence.  I dropped the flowers and walked back here.  I thought I’d lost you.” 

She sighed.  “I really never had feelings for him.  I promise.”

His hand stroked over her cheek.  “So you’ll stop seeing him then?”

She shook her head.  “I never see him outside the library!” 

“I don’t even want you to see him in the library.”

“Are you asking me to quit my job so I don’t have to interact with men other than you?  Don’t you think that’s just a little bit obsessive?”  She folded her arms over her chest and glared at him.

“Can’t you just hire an assistant to deal with him?”

“I don’t deal with hiring for the library.  The city does.  I’ll make you a deal.  If you can get the city to hire an assistant to just deal with Lawrence, then fine.  Otherwise, I’m going to have to deal with him.  I promise that I will not go to dinner with him again or kiss him again.  That should be enough for you.”

He took a step toward her, obviously angry.  “I don’t want you talking to him
.”

She stepped closer to him, standing toe to toe with her head back so she could look up at him.  “I refuse to do my job by writing notes to the man.  He’s there almost every day working.”

He growled low in his throat, obviously annoyed that she wasn’t backing down.  “I don’t think you need to work there.”

“I think working there makes me happy.  If I had a child to care for, I’d have something to do all day, but as it is, working gives me a reason to get up in the mornings!”

He grabbed her around her waist, and she watched as the anger warred within him.  She knew his father had been abusive, and the thought crossed her mind that he could be as well, but she didn’t worry.  How could she worry that Alex would hurt her?  Yes, he was angry, but he could never get that angry. 

He glared down at her.  He wouldn’t hit her.  He couldn’t hit her.  He had to do something though.  He pulled her to him and pressed his mouth to hers, kissing her thoroughly.  She spent the first few seconds of the kiss trying to push him away, but then her hands went to the back of his neck and she held him to her, kissing him with all she had inside her.

Before either of them knew what had happened they were naked on the bed, and he was over her, stroking her and telling her she was beautiful. 

As she curled into his arms afterward, she was pleased he had his own way of dealing with anger, and it was nothing like his father’s.
  His way was actually very nice.

Chapter Seven

When they got up to eat the stew he’d prepared, she found she couldn’t look at him.  She was so embarrassed by the way she’d responded to his kisses.  She had considered herself an intelligent woman until he had come back into her life.  Now she seemed to only be able to respond to her own base urges.  Was she truly no better than an animal?

Finally after a few minutes of total silence, she brought up the money in her bank account.  “When I saw Papa at the bank, he added your name to my account.  I don’t get paid a lot, but I never spend the money I make.  Papa said there’s enough money there to either rent a bigger place or even buy a small house.” 

Alex shook his head.  “No, I need to provide for you.  Keep your money.”

She sighed.  “So, the money I make is mine, but the money you make is ours?  Is that how this works?”  What was it about men that they thought they had to be the sole breadwinners of their homes?  She was amazed that Alex had such antiquated ideas.  She really was going to have to join the suffragette movement, just to get him to understand that she was capable of thinking. 

He shrugged.  “I never thought of it that way.  I just feel like I need to be the one to provide for our family.”

“But if my money can allow us to live a little more comfortably, shouldn’t we take advantage of that?  Wouldn’t it be my choice if I want to live in a nicer place?”

“Are you saying I don’t provide well enough?  I know this isn’t what you’re used to, but I just finished school.  And you knew all along that my plan was to take on as many pro bono clients as I could to help the battered women of the area.”

“Yes, I did know that, and I’m happy to live this way, but we don’t have to.  Why not use my money?”

He shook his head.  “I don’t want to feel like I have to have my wife’s salary to live.  I’ve been independent for years now.  I can’t take from you.”

“So you’re willing to cook, which is the ‘woman’s job’, but you’re not willing to let me do anything that could be the man’s job like earning a living?  Or I can earn it, but I’m not allowed to use it?”

“You can use it all you want.  You just can’t use it to support us.” 

She’d heard enough at that point.  She stood, thanked him for dinner, and announced she was going for a walk.  “I’ll do the dishes when I get home.”  She didn’t wait for him to respond, and since she’d dressed again, but he was only wearing his pants, he couldn’t follow her.

She hurried away from the house, having no real destination in mind, but knowing she needed to get away from him.  Once she was several streets over with no sign of him, she slowed a bit.  She walked aimlessly through the streets glad that it was September and she could see where she was going in the fading light. 

Twenty minutes later, she found herself in front of her sister Lily’s house, realizing that Lily would be able to help her better than anyone.  Lily had always been a tomboy and had loved hunting and fishing as they grew up.  She and her husband lived contentedly, even though Amaryllis knew Lily still wore pants the majority of the time.

When she knocked on the door, Daniel opened it.  He took one look at her tear-stained spectacles and opened the door wide for her to enter.  He put her in the parlor and said, “I’ll go get Lily.  She’s putting the bab
ies down.”

Amaryllis didn’t sit, but instead prowled around the small parlor.  She looked at the things Lily had made.  She knew her sister kept trying to do “girl things” and made small pillows for the parlor.  Most were strange shapes.  Some you couldn’t even tell what the original shape was supposed to be.  She shook her head.  Poor Lily. 

Lily came in a moment later sitting on the sofa and patting the spot beside her.  “What’s wrong?”

Amaryllis plopped down beside Lily, noting that her sister was wearing men’s pants and a button up shirt.  “Does it bother Daniel that you don’t wear dresses all the time?”

Lily laughed.  “I thought it did when we first married, so I stopped wearing pants, and he got upset.  He says he likes how my bottom looks in pants,” she admitted with a blush.

Amaryllis shook her head at her sister.  “I really thought Alex was more progressive in his thinking than he’s turned out to be.  He doesn’t mind doing the cooking for us, because I have no idea how, but he doesn’t think we should use my money for anything.  I have to just leave it in the bank and use it for whatever suits me.”

Lily raised an eyebrow.  “Well, it hurts his pride that he can’t provide a nice enough place for you without your money.”  She acted as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

“But I want to enjoy the money I earn.  We don’t even have a water closet, Lily.  I have to use an outhouse.  Which is fine, but I’d rather have a nicer place, and with the money I’ve saved, we can afford one.”

Lily bit her lip considering.  “Would he turn down a gift from you?”

Amaryllis tilted her head to the side.  “I don’t think so.  What are you thinking?”

Lily shrugged.  “Buy him gifts.  Things that he needs for his business, but doesn’t have the money for.  Help him get it going faster, so that you can enjoy the benefits of it.  Buy him gifts like clothes, so he doesn’t have to spend his hard earned money on them.  Take him out to dinner occasionally.  Maybe come home with food one day so he doesn’t have to worry about buying it.  That kind of thing.  Get him to see that your money is just as good as his.”

“I could do that…Do you think it would make him angry?”

“I don’t know him as well as you do, of course.  He was in Rose’s class in school not mine, but he didn’t seem to be the type to get angry really easily, unless someone was bothering you.” 

Amaryllis smiled.  “He really did defend me even back then.”

“I think he loved you from the moment you showed up at school.  Must have been the spectacles.”

Amaryllis laughed.  “All the other boys made f
un of them.  Not Alex.  He didn’t let anyone say anything mean to me about anything.”
Her eyes lit up as she remembered how he’d taken on boys bigger than he was, just to get them to stop teasing her.  She was the only child in school with spectacles, and it had made it hard for her.  She didn’t mind now, of course, but it had been very difficult when she was a child.

Lily grinned.  “He really did have a soft spot for you even back then.”  She took her sister’s hand in hers.  “The biggest thing I learned about getting along in marriage is to be yourself.  Don’t change who you are just to please him.  If you think that you should use your money to help support the two of you, then find a way to do it.”

Amaryllis smiled.  “You’ve given me some good ideas.  Thank you.”

“It’s my job as an older sister.”

Amaryllis stayed for a while longer, joking with her sister.  Lily had one of the servants get tea and the two of them ate cookies and sipped tea while Daniel made himself scarce.

*****

Alex tried at her parents’ house first, hoping she would have gone there.  The puzzled look on her mother’s face told him she wasn’t there as soon as she opened the door.  “You came without Amaryllis,” she asked.

“Amaryllis went for a walk a while ago, and I was wondering if she came here.  I guess not.”

Mary shook her head.  “No.  She may have gone to Rose or Lily’s houses though.  She’s close to her sisters.”

He sighed.  “I’ll try there then.  Thank you.”

He rushed away from the door and drove to Rose’s house next.  As soon as Rose saw him, she grinned.  “Lose your wife?”

“Something like that.  Is she here?”

“No, but come in and talk to me.  Are you two still not getting along?”

He shrugged.  “I’m trying.  Your sister is very stubborn and opinionated.”

Rose’s laughter filled the air.  “Well of course she is.  Do you have any idea how many books she reads?  They fill her head with all sorts of ideas.”

He sighed.  “I’m going to go back home and see if she’s there.”

Rose smiled at him.  “She can take care of herself, you know.  She’s a strong intelligent woman.”

“That’s what worries me,” he said with a sigh.  Rose’s laughter followed him back to his wagon.

*****

It was after ten when Amaryllis glanced at the clock.  “Alex is going to be frantic.  I’d better get home.”

Lily nodded standing up with her.  “I’ll have Daniel drive you.  I don’t want you walking home this late at night.”

Amaryllis started to protest, but she agreed with her sister’s worries.  “That sounds good. 
I don’t think Alex is going to be happy with how late I’ve been out.”

Lily called Daniel
, and he went outside to hitch up the horses.  “The first few years of marriage are the hardest.  It’ll get easier.  I promise.”

Amaryllis sighed.  “I hope the first week is the hardest.  I don’t want it to get worse than this.”

Lily laughed and hugged her sister.  Daniel opened the door then.  “You ready, Amaryllis?”

“Thanks again,” Amaryllis said to Lily.  “I appreciate the advice.”

Amaryllis hurried from the house and accepted Daniel’s help into the buggy.  “Thanks for driving me home.”

“I was going to offer if Lily hadn’t suggested it.  Where to?”

She gave him the address.  “Does it really not bother you that Lily wears pants all the time?” she asked.

He laughed.  “I fell in love with her when she wore pants all the time.  Why would I expect her to change?”

Amaryllis grinned.  “What do you think about women voting?”

“I haven’t given it much thought either way, but I certainly think you and your sisters are smarter than most men I know, so I
guess I think that women voting is something that is just right.”

“Did you know that Daisy is all for women’s rights?”

Daniel turned to her in surprise.  “Daisy?  Women’s rights?  She’d be the last person I’d expect, but she’s certainly smart enough to make a difference.”  He stopped the buggy in front of her house and started to get down to help her when he saw Alex open the door.  He decided to let her husband help her instead.  “Alex.”

Alex nodded at him.  “Thanks for bringing her home.”

“I wouldn’t let her walk at this time of night.”

Alex helped Amaryllis down, slipping an arm around her waist.  “See you at church on Sunday.”  He walked toward the office, opening the door for Amaryllis to precede him.  “I’ve been really worried.”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry you, but I had to walk.  I don’t know how I ended up at Lily’s house, but we had a good talk.”

He nodded briefly.  “Feeling better?”

She shrugged.  “Somewhat.”  She looked at him.  “Daniel doesn’t mind that Lily wears pants all the time.”

He laughed.  “Of course he doesn’t.  He knew Lily wore pants all the time before they ever started courting.  He wouldn’t complain now.”

“Would you mind if I wore pants?”

He considered the question.  “I don’t know.  I never really thought about it.  Probably not.”

“So you don’t mind if I do things that are ‘manly’ as long as I don’t contribute to our family’s income?”

He sighed.  “You’re still upset about that?”

“I just don’t understand it.  I would think you’d be pleased to have me help until your practice is established.  It just makes sense to me.”

“It makes me feel like I’m not man enough to support us.”

Amaryllis shook her head.  “You are, though.  Everyone has to start somewhere.  You’ve spent years in school, spending everything you made just to survive.  I took a job because it was something I would enjoy, not because I needed the money.  It makes sense that I have extra money and you don’t.”

“Maybe it does, but that doesn’t mean that I want to let you support me.”

She nodded slowly.  “I guess I can understand that.” 

He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly.  “I was really worried about you.  Please don’t leave at night again without telling me where you’re going.”

She nodded against his shoulder.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry you, but I needed to think.  Talking to Lily helped me a lot.”

“I’m glad.”  He tilted her chin up so he could look into her eyes.  “We’re going to work through all this, you know.  We’re going to be very happy.”

She nodded.  “I hope so.”

*****

On her way home from work the following afternoon, she stopped at a carpenter’s shop and asked the man if he would make a sign for Alex.  “I want to give my husband a wedding gift,” she explained.  She described exactly what she was looking for, and he promised to have it ready for her the next day.  She smiled to herself the whole way home.  She was going to make a difference for him whether he liked it or not.

When she arrived home, he was sitting at his desk with a client across from him.  She quickly hurried through the room and into the apartment, making a mental note to start using the backdoor when she got home from work.  She didn’t want to interrupt his work anymore.