Amber Frost (14 page)

“Goodbye, Gracelynn.”

“Aren’t you coming back to school?” I asked, surprised.

“No. I forgot… there’s something I have to take care of.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“I’ll be here,” he answered with a half-hearted smile. “Goodbye.” He hesitated for a brief second before stepping in closer to me and gently brushing his lips against my cheek. The tender gesture made my heart flutter.

“Bye,” I whispered back as he turned and quickly walked away.

A flock of ravens took off from a nearby tree as he passed, their black wings beating against the cold, wintry air. They took to the sky in a flurry of feathers and echoing caws. I realized I’d never seen ravens fly together before but here was a flock of near twenty, their black wings beating against the sky as they flew in perfect formation towards the horizon. A single feather floated in their wake, spiraling downwards to land right at my feet. I picked it up, marveling at how the soft, black-blue down was just like the color of Sebastian’s hair. I tucked the feather into my pocket, knowing I would keep it forever in remembrance of today. The day that I realized I had found everything I’d ever been searching for in one person – my best friend, my first love, my soul’s other half.

I floated through the rest of the day on a cloud of ignorant bliss. I had never been this happy in my life before, never been this certain of anything. I loved Sebastian – I’d known that for some time. He made me laugh, he made me think, he’d helped me to turn my life around – he was my closest friend. Only today had I truly admitted to myself that I was
in love
with him. The realization was earth-shattering, the difference distinct.

I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, I knew things were going to get complicated. Though my soul knew him through and through, I also knew that Sebastian held secrets from me, secrets that he wasn’t ready to share yet. He was a confusing enigma. But I loved him and nothing else should matter, I told myself. I was lucky to have the gift of being in love with someone who always got what they wanted, and I had heard it from his own lips that more than anything else, he wanted me. I knew that somehow, everything was going to work out.

So I didn’t worry about all the questions and complications that still lay between us. I just let myself be happy, allowed myself to enjoy ‘the now’, as Sebastian would say. I was still longing for tomorrow though, when I would see him again. We did need to talk, there were many things that had been left unsaid. Just as we had negotiated our friendship once, I felt that we would also need to barter the next step of our relationship. I smiled in anticipation, a warm glow spreading through my body as I thought of him.

“Why are you so happy?” my mother demanded at dinner. I knew I was absolutely radiating happiness; I didn’t even try to hide it. Why should I?

“I just had a good day, that’s all,” I told her honestly. My father looked up from his dinner to offer me a quick, pleased smile. I was surprised he’d been paying attention. My mother frowned suspiciously at me.

“Did you and Clarke make up?”

“No, we’re just friends.”

Her expression soured further. “How disappointing,” she remarked, her tone making it obvious that I was the disappointment. “Well perhaps you’ll make some progress with him next weekend. We’ll be having dinner with the Simons’ next Friday and I expect you to be on your best behavior.”

“I don’t want to go,” I answered without thinking. I had been hoping to spend most of the weekend with Sebastian; the idea of spending an evening away from him and with Clarke instead was nearly offensive.

“You
will
go,” my mother snapped, smacking her hand against the table as she spoke. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, Grace. You’re not acting like yourself at all – you’ve changed and I don’t like it. You need to get your priorities straight, young lady,” she hissed. Her beady eyes bulged angrily, her lips pressed together so tightly they were almost white. I tried not to smile, knowing it would only provoke her. Instead, I silently nodded as if in agreement with what she said. I had my priorities straight, I’d never been so aware of them.

“Gordon, don’t you have something to add?” my mother asked, eyeing my father.

“Oh, yes, of course.” He put his fork down as he spoke, having already finished his meal. I could tell he was itching to get back to his work. He looked at me almost apologetically as he began. “You’ve been behaving quite selfishly, Grace. It’s upsetting your mother and, er – myself,” he added when my mother cleared her throat. “There are certain responsibilities that come along with being a Stevenson, of living this kind of privileged life, and you are currently neglecting them. You will try harder, won’t you dear?” He looked to me expectantly, his fingers drumming impatiently against the lacquered, wooden table top.

“I don’t want to disappoint you, father. I’m sorry if I have,” I apologized, and I meant it. Though my father had little time to spare for his relationship with me, I could still remember my near-happy childhood when we had been quite close. Part of me still loved my father; I missed the man he had once been. And I did feel sorry for disappointing him – that had never been my intent. But it didn’t change anything I felt or would do.

My father gave a quick satisfied nod.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed back at the office,” he said as he picked up his phone that had been beside his dinner plate throughout the whole meal. As soon as he left, my mother stopped picking at her food and stood up.

“You
will
try harder, Grace,” she told me in a cold, stern voice. Her beady eyes narrowed even more. “I will not tolerate this rebellious behavior any more.” She glared down at me for a second longer before quickly rising and marching out the dining room.

Her parting words nearly made me smile. It was almost funny that she thought my being happy was rebellious. I wasn’t really surprised that she saw it that way and I refused to let my parents ruin my perfect day. I pushed all thoughts of them aside, allowing my mind to be filled with the memories of this afternoon once more. I fell asleep that night with the smell of the musty, damp shed in my nose and a joyful smile on my face.

The next morning I arrived at school bright and early, eager to see Sebastian. I was determined to talk to him about what had happened yesterday, and not just our kiss – all of it. Last night I had decided that if we were going to be in a relationship, I didn’t want any secrets left between us. I needed to know exactly who it was that I had fallen in love with; he owed me that much. He couldn’t possibly be afraid of scaring me off now. He must realize that there was no way I could ever leave him.

He was waiting for me at school in his usual spot, sitting on the ground with his back against the school’s statue. He held a cigarette between his fingers as he often did in the mornings. Today though, he was smoking it. He took a slow, deliberate drag as I approached, blowing a thin stream of smoke out as he exhaled. I frowned disapprovingly.

“What happened to just holding cigarettes?” I asked as I walked up to him. He made no move to get up so I sat down beside him, wafting the smoke away from me with one hand.

“We need to talk,” he announced, not answering my question. He was watching the smoke curl up from the end of his cigarette in impossibly and increasingly complex spirals.

“What – no ‘Hi, how are you? I missed you’?” I teased. Though I had wanted to talk to him myself, I felt like I needed a bit more time to prepare. Even if he was my best friend, the person I was most comfortable with in the world, this still wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.

“Hi. How are you? I missed you,” he listed off in near monotone. “We need to talk.” I laughed nervously, the sound rang falsely in the air.

“Okay, fine – talk – I’m listening, but could you please put that cigarette out?” I requested, wrinkling my nose at the smell. He sighed, taking one last, deep drag before pressing the butt against the side of the statue, stifling its cherry glow. “Thank you,” I murmured. I was beginning to feel more than a little nervous.

“You’re welcome,” he answered automatically. “Gracelynn… I owe you an apology. Actually, an apology hardly seems like enough but it’s a place to start. I am so very sorry for the way I’ve behaved. I’m selfish and weak and an idiot… but that’s no excuse. I’ve made a terrible mistake by being with you.” He looked down at his hands as he spoke, his voice low and sad.

“What?” I asked, stunned. This was not what I’d expected at all. “What are you talking about? Yesterday you said you wanted me.” I wished my voice didn’t sound so pitiful and confused.

“I did and I’m sorry I… misled you. I’m so sorry, Gracelynn. Please believe that I never meant to hurt you.” He turned to me then, his eyes round and pleading. I thought I saw his hands tremble.

“I don’t understand.” I searched his face desperately for answers – what was he saying? “You think yesterday was a mistake?”

He nodded slowly in answer, his eyes tightening as he saw the pain he was causing me.

“Not just yesterday.” He dropped his eyes to the ground, looking almost ashamed. He continued, speaking so softly that I had to strain to hear him. “I should never have gotten close to you, Gracelynn. Our friendship is the mistake… it has to end. It’s over.”

“I don’t believe you,” I denied, I tried to keep the astonishment out of my voice.

“This is goodbye,” he repeated.

“You don’t want this; I know you don’t. Why are you doing this?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s done,” he said numbly, his voice empty and emotionless. He stood up and turned back to look down at me, finally meeting my eye. His face was expressionless but his eyes were full of only half-hidden pain.

“So that’s it? You’re going to kiss me one day, say you never want to lose me and then the next day tell me we can’t even be friends? I thought you didn’t want to ruin our friendship?” I demanded, my voice rising as I became angry. I was hurt and felt betrayed, I lashed out without thinking.

“Sorry,” was all he said. His eyes wouldn’t sparkle, today they looked dead.

“No,
I’m
sorry Sebastian,” I spat back at him. I stood up, my hands bawled into fists at my sides, my eyes narrowed as I glared at him angrily. “I’m sorry I was ever stupid enough to believe a word that came out of your mouth. I’m sorry you’re such a coward that you’re running from the truth. I’m sorry that I was naïve enough to fall in love with someone like you.”

He stared back at me, his face now blank from shock. He looked stunned, floored by my declarations, by my uncharacteristic display of anger. He didn’t deny my words though, didn’t argue with me, he simply let me storm off.

Angry, bitter tears filled my eyes as I realized that this must have been what he really and truly wanted, after all, it wouldn’t be happening otherwise. I could hardly believe it of him. That he would use me like any other teenage boy, that he would throw away our friendship just to avoid any lingering awkwardness – it was ridiculous.

The further away I got from Sebastian, the more my thoughts cleared. My temper cooled; it had only been a quick flare of anger, the only kind that ever occurred for me. I very rarely raised my voice to anyone, I was usually too afraid that I might offend them. I had no such qualms with Sebastian. I was never afraid to be honest with him, to speak my thoughts out loud, to honestly express how I felt. I slowed down and came to a complete stop as the realization hit me. The only reason I had been able to let myself become so angry with Sebastian just then was because I knew he would never hold it against me. Because if nothing else, he was my friend, my very best friend and deep down inside, I knew that no angry words spoken in the moment nor any thoughtless kiss or momentary passion would, or could, ever change that.

I spun on my heel and began marching back towards the statue. It really was ridiculous. His words had made no sense at all – especially coming from him. Over the past few weeks we had grown so close that I felt like I knew him even better than I knew myself, certainly better than he knew himself. And I knew this wasn’t what he really wanted, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. It wasn’t going to work; he couldn’t just end our friendship because he was afraid… of something. I wasn’t going to let him end it like this anyway. He owed me some answers, explanations, and I was going to get them even if I had to drag them from him. I strode back to the front of the school feeling determined and focused.

The parking lot was starting to fill with students arriving to start the day. There were several small groups of people milling about in front of the school, stamping their feet against the cold, their breath coming out in misty huffs before them. I walked past them all, barely acknowledging the smiles and greetings I received, my whole being was focused on finding Sebastian – but he was nowhere to be found.

The bell rang to signal the start of the day and I allowed myself to be swept up in the crowd headed towards the main assembly hall. I wasn’t worried. I knew Sebastian would be at Assembly, then we had Art together and this afternoon, we also had English. At some point today I would have my chance to confront him again; for now I could afford to bide my time.

It didn’t take me long to realize though that Sebastian didn’t want to talk to me; that he really,
really
, didn’t want to talk to me. I knew this because every time I saw him, every time I tried to approach him,
something
would conveniently happen to distract or deter me. At Assembly, every seat within ten chairs of Sebastian was occupied and he very deliberately refused to look my way. When I tried to approach him during art, all kinds of catastrophes sidetracked me – paint spilt in front of me, a shelf of art supplies collapsed, then when I finally made it over to him, the fire alarm went off and we were all forced to ‘evacuate’ the building and I lost Sebastian once more in the ensuing chaos. At lunch time, unsurprisingly, Sebastian was no where to be found. He was present for English class but once again there were no empty seats anywhere near him. Our English teacher, Ms. Hewlett, quickly launched into a surprise and very intense lecture on Macbeth that left no room for idle thoughts or distractions. I became increasingly frustrated as hour after hour, every attempt I made to go anywhere near Sebastian was consistently thwarted. And with each passing minute, my hope faded a little more. Before I knew it, it had been days, not hours since I’d last spoken to my friend.

It wasn’t just frustrating, it was also depressing. As each day passed and Sebastian still managed to avoid me, I was forced to admit to myself the truth – that he obviously wanted me to stay away. I wondered if I should just give up? I began to feel so lonely and forlorn that I even allowed Clarke to comfort me. I started sitting with him sometimes at lunch and I almost appreciated the company. The loss of Sebastian’s friendship was a void that no one could truly fill but Clarke’s attention did ease my pain a little or at least it provided a small distraction from my aching heart.