Amber Frost (24 page)

“Gee-lynn,” he mumbled softly. It sounded like he was trying to say my name. “…found you… the others… I’m sorry.”

A smile tugged at my lips. I was amused by how Sebastian’s subconscious made just as little sense as his conscious mind. He mumbled something else and though the words were incoherent he still somehow conveyed a sense of peace, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. He sighed, his arm tightening around me for a moment and then relaxing while his breathing slowed and deepened.

In the sudden quiet of the night, while Sebastian slept and I was free from all distractions, I could no longer escape my darker thoughts. I began to toss and turn, acutely aware of the slowly building tension in my body. I tried in vain to find a comfortable position. The dark clouds that had been lingering on the edge of my thoughts were slowly creeping in and all my worries and doubts came crashing down upon me as I closed my eyes.

I loved Sebastian unwaveringly, of that I was absolutely certain but I was beginning to realize the high cost of being with him. I missed my father and I wondered how long it would take him to forgive me; weeks? Months? Years? How long did I have before people would notice I wasn’t aging and I’d have to leave Vancouver Island and everyone I’d ever loved and known far behind me? With Sebastian by my side, would I truly not mind? Would I still feel the loss?

And what about further into the future, when all the ramifications of my choices finally caught up to me? When I had outlived everyone I knew, when I had never lived in any one place for longer than a few years. What would I think then? Would I grow tired of always being viewed by the rest of the world as just another teenage girl? Would I envy my old friends their babies, their middle-aged credibility, their deaths? Would I regret my decisions? Would I eventually resent Sebastian for his selfishness? After years of his wants always trumping my own, would I one day, no longer love him enough to stay with him?

My mind was plagued with these questions, questions I feared the answers to. They spun round in my brain, my thoughts twisting and tangling as I hovered on the edge of consciousness. The only thought that soothed me, the only reason I was eventually able to relax enough to sleep was the mantra I kept chanting to myself; Sebastian loves me, he wants me to be happy, he wants it to work between us and so it will. I tried not to think about if he wanted it enough.

I woke up the following morning covered in a damp sweat. I wondered if I had been shivering last night when Sebastian left, for there was an extra blanket pulled up over me. I roughly kicked it off, trying to untangle myself from the sheets. For a minute I lay there with my eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the cool air in my bedroom against my burning, sweaty skin. It wasn’t long before I began to shiver – apparently my inner thermostat was completely thrown out of whack this morning. I decided to give up on more sleep and get ready for the day. Even though it was Saturday, I wasn’t that disappointed not to sleep in for it meant that I would get to see Sebastian all the sooner. He always arrived not long after I woke, never wanting to miss a minute with me.

I sat up in bed and immediately let out a low groan. The dull ache in my back that I’d fallen asleep with flared into a nauseating, cramping pain as soon as I moved. I winced as I slowly stood up, my head pounding from lack of sleep, my eyes feeling grainy and tired. As soon as I stood I was greeted with a familiar yet totally unexpected sensation. I rushed to the bathroom to check. My back ache and emotional sensitivity from the day before were all finally making sense – my cycle had restarted.

A long, hot shower and a couple of extra-strength Tylenols fixed me right up. I also felt a lot better once I had dressed in stretchy yoga pants and a comfortable cotton hoodie. I was glad more than ever to avoid my school uniform today. Once I’d taken care of myself, I couldn’t help but wonder over the possible implications. Obviously, I had started aging again but what did it mean?

I turned up the thermostat in my room and went to sit on my bed, placing pillows between my back and the wall. For the first time, I missed my bedroom in my parents’ house or at least, I missed my window seat there. It would have been nice to perch up there now and look out over the slowly awakening, mist-covered world. A thick blanket of snow had fallen overnight and everything looked bright and clean under the weak sunlight. I sighed, trying to find a comfortable position against the pillows. I would just have to make do with what I had. With my blinds open I could at least see the snow-covered lawn below and the icicles stretching down from the roof above. To be honest, the view didn’t really concern me; I knew I was just avoiding thinking about what was really bothering me.

Why had Sebastian changed his mind?

There was no denying that he no longer wanted me to remain ageless by his side forever and there were really only two possible explanations. One, he no longer loved me in that same, limitless, immeasurable way. I knew, without a doubt, that he loved me now but perhaps he had come to shy away from the commitment of forever. The idea was almost laughable; I sometimes felt I knew Sebastian even better than he knew himself and I immediately realized this wasn’t even a real possibility. And so I brushed the idea aside knowing it to be unlikely.

That left me with only one other explanation – Sebastian must love me
more
than ever before. He had finally managed to solve our dilemma through wanting my happiness above all else, above his own desires. He knew me through and through, as well as I knew him – I could hide nothing from him. He must have seen the sadness inside me, the hesitation, the doubt. And so he had finally managed to want absolutely nothing other than for me to be happy, even at the possible cost of his own happiness.

The realization hit me hard, bringing tears to my eyes. I knew that this must be the truth. It filled my heart until it broke to realize just how very much he must love me. I blinked back the tears, hugging my knees to my chest. And now the most important question I must ask myself; had Sebastian really solved the problem? Was I happy now? I certainly felt relieved. But happy… I wasn’t certain yet. Though I’d had many fears and anxieties over my possibly permanent ageless state, I had started to accept the inevitability of the situation. And now that Sebastian had given my life back to me (I winced at my own choice of words but it was true enough) shouldn’t I be rejoicing? Shouldn’t I feel more than this slight relief and hesitant happiness? I idly stroked the smooth, warm pendant of my amber necklace, the gesture comforting and focusing me.

A tap on my door broke me from my thoughts. I hopped up, aware of the muted pain in my back still as I hurried across the room. I knew it would be Sebastian and was eager to see him, knowing he’d be able to help me to better sort through my thoughts than I could alone.

I pulled the door open and froze in surprise. The person who stood waiting impatiently in the hall was not who I had expected.

“Grace, your boyfriend is waiting downstairs to see you,” Lisa announced sourly. She wore sweat pants and an old t-shirt, half her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail. She most definitely did not look happy to be up this early on a Saturday morning. “I should have thrown him out of the building and called campus security for him trying to sneak in to see you like that. He was quite persuasive that he speak with you at once. This better be important, Grace. You owe me,” she finished, her eyes narrowing grumpily.

“You caught him sneaking in?” I echoed in surprise.

“Oh please, as if you didn’t know he was coming,” she grumbled. “Now I’m going back to bed. I only let him wait in the common room because of the snow but once you get down there, the two of you take off and go somewhere else. I’m not staying up to supervise you.”

“No, no, of course not,” I assured her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Lisa reluctantly replied. She shook her head slightly at me before turning and trudging back down the hall towards her room at the end.

I quickly grabbed my thick winter coat and bag and hurried from the room. I walked down the hall in a daze, still stunned by the news that Lisa had caught Sebastian trying to sneak in. What did it mean?

I anxiously skipped down the stairs two at a time in a rush to see Sebastian. I came bursting out the door at the bottom of the stairwell and collided straight into Sebastian himself. We both fell to the floor as I crashed into him, his arms instantly forming a protective hold around me, absorbing the impact of my fall with his own body. I heard his breath being driven out of him as he slammed against the hard floor beneath me.

“Sebastian! I’m sorry, I–” my breathless apology was interrupted by his sudden laughter.

“Ouch!” he wheezed. “I’m happy to see you too Gracelynn, but did you have to tackle me?” I snorted indignantly as I rolled off him. He immediately sprung to his feet, holding out his hand to me as I still sat on the floor.

“You obviously wanted to be attacked,” I pointed out. He shrugged, smiling mischievously as he was unable to deny it. He quickly tugged me to my feet, enthusiastically pulling me back into his arms.

“I had no idea I wanted to experience internal bleeding though,” he complained, wincing as I hugged myself against him. “That actually hurt.”

“Really?”

He grinned. “Well, not that much really – but a little. I didn’t realize I was feeling so masochistic this morning.”

“Actually, you seem quite chipper for someone who very nearly got arrested by campus security and expelled before breakfast. I thought you didn’t want to get caught sneaking in?”

“I don’t want either of us to get into trouble,” he corrected. “And we didn’t, though apparently I did want a little excitement today. I told you before, sometimes I don’t even realize what I want until it happens.”

“Speaking of which…” I pulled back so I could look him in the eye and clearly read his expression. “Did you realize you wanted me to start aging again?” I asked carefully. I watched the emotions flit across his face and in his eyes – surprise, relief, uncertainty.

“You’re sure?”

I nodded. He hesitated then, his expression suddenly guarded. “Are you happy?” he asked quietly. “Is this what
you
wanted?” He waited tersely for my reaction; it felt like he might be holding his breath.

“I’m always happy when I’m with you,” I answered honestly. “And… yes, I think I did want to start aging again. But I also want to be with you.”

“I always want you to be happy. And I’ll always be with you,” he promised solemnly. “You never need to worry about that. You’re my everything.” He stroked my cheek affectionately as he spoke, a sad smile on his lips. Before I could ask about the strange tone to his voice, his expression suddenly changed. His eyes brightened with excitement, a cheeky, dimpled smile spreading across his face. “Do you want to go for a walk? It snowed last night!”

“I saw that,” I replied, my answering smile automatic. “And I did promise Lisa we would take off. She doesn’t like you being in the girls’ dormitory.”

Sebastian chuckled. “Not much of a morning person, is she?”

“No, not like us,” I agreed, with a teasing smile. It seemed like I was always up early these days, barely able to wait until a decent hour before seeing Sebastian again. Sebastian grinned back at me brilliantly. My heart hammered almost painfully in my chest as he leaned in close to carefully zip up my jacket and tuck my hair into its hood.

“I love the way that sounds on your lips – ‘us’,” he repeated. “It’s an honor to be half of your us.” I rolled my eyes and took his hand, tugging him along behind me towards the wide double doors.

“Come on, let’s go,” I encouraged, giving him a playful shove. He lightly pushed me back and then jumped out of the way when I tried to grab him. We burst out the doors and into the beautiful, silently-waiting, winter wonderland laughing and chasing one another. I froze after a few steps, awed by the magical, snow-covered world.

Though the air was bitingly cold and our breath misted up before us, the sun still shone down warmly through the bare trees. The morning sky was already a brilliant blue, broken only by a few thick, fluffy white clouds. The golden sunlight reflected off the bright, white snow, making me squint at the smooth, pristine landscape before me. The snow had fallen thick and evenly across the ground. Everything looked cleaner, brighter, pure and untouched. The sunlight seemed to make each snowflake that had fallen sparkle and twinkle individually. It felt like the world had become a new and magical place overnight, where anything and everything seemed possible.

“It’s beautiful,” I gasped, staring around me in wonder. I’d seen snow in Victoria before but never this much – there was close to two feet of snow on the ground – and it had never seemed as beautiful as this. It felt like Sebastian’s magic was spreading to color every aspect of my life, to make every moment more memorable, every sight fresher, each experience breath-taking and new. “It’s you,” I accused, turning to him. Even though I wasn’t quite sure what I meant, he seemed to understand. The look in his eyes made my knees feel weak. My stomach erupted with sudden butterflies.

“It’s you,” he argued softly. His slow smile warmed my heart, a faint blush reaching my cheeks. “The most magical and beautiful part of my world, the only thing I want and ever will; it’s you,” he repeated. His solemn mood abruptly vanished, a joyful smile lighting up his face. “Do you want to go to the park or did you want to stand around staring at the snow all day?”

“Let’s go,” I answered, happily taking his offered hand. It was warm and fit around mine perfectly, his grip strong and firm.

It didn’t take us very long to walk from Craigflower to Beacon Hill Park. Though we were up earlier than most of the world on this snow-covered Saturday, someone had already shoveled clear most of the sidewalks and paths, and the main roads were also plowed clear of snow. The dirty slush on the roads and increasing noise and traffic as we made our way closer to downtown Victoria was starting to mar the image of my perfect, snow-globe world. I felt much happier once we entered the quiet sanctity of the park. The snow here lay mostly untouched, a brilliant virgin white. The forest was dense enough that only small pools of sunlight managed to break through to the ground, leaving the snow crisp and frozen with slowly dripping icicles dangling from the tree branches overhead.

I had assumed once we were in the park that Sebastian would want to go to our tree. We often would come here to sit up in its lofty boughs and gaze out over the world below. It was a private, sacred place where we had some of our best conversations and some of our most intimate silences. But Sebastian did not take the turn on the trail that led towards our tree, instead he led me around the side of the park, past the petting zoo and towards the duck ponds. When I asked him where we were going, he didn’t answer. He merely smiled mysteriously, a happy twinkle in his eye.

He led me straight to the duck ponds, grinning excitedly as we neared the largest, frozen pond. I started to follow the trail towards the picturesque stone bridge that arched over its center but Sebastian tugged me to a stop by the pond’s edge. There was little shade from the trees here and the sunlight shone down brightly, sparkling off the glassy surface of the ice. I squinted at Sebastian suspiciously in the brightness, wondering what he could be up to.

“I want to show you something,” he announced. He stepped down onto the hard, frozen surface, holding his hand out to help me down. I hesitated, feeling anxious. This was different than when we had gone skating on the frozen pond at Christmas; there had been other people there then, other skaters and possibly rescuers in case the ice did happen to break.

“Sebastian… this doesn’t look very safe,” I argued, not moving. He rolled his eyes at me impatiently.

“I don’t want either of us to get hurt. It’ll be fine, Gracelynn. Don’t you trust me?”