Amish Breaking Point (3 page)

Chapter 5.

His ways are always grievous;

thy judgments are far above out of his sight:

as for all his enemies, he puffeth at them.

Psalm 10:5

Bailey woke early the next morning after another rough night. He had a big day ahead of him helping Jack on the farm. He’d been staying with Jack’s
familye
for months now, and it still felt odd being a guest in someone else's home. After milking the cows, Bailey and Jack were off to the far field to fix some fences.

“I’m glad you’ve come to stay, Bailey. It’s
gut
to have some help on the farm for a change.”

"It’s good of you and Pamela to have me here."

Bailey hoped that Jack had not heard him during the night. He was sure he had screamed out in terror. He hoped the smile on his face masked what lay within him.

"Good." Jack put the fencing wire and the tools in the back of the wagon. "Let's go."

Just then, the children ran out to the wagon. “You go back inside the
haus
now and help
mamm,”
Jack directed them.

Bailey looked at the laughing faces of the young children and longed for a family of his own. He hoped that he would be as good a father as Jack. He watched Jack as he waved to his children.

"We’ll be back for the midday meal. As soon as your chores are done, I’m sure your
mamm
will let you out to play. But stay around the
haus
and don’t go into the barn.” The children did as Jack asked and walked back inside the house.

As the wagon pulled away, Bailey asked, “Why can’t they go into the barn, Jack?”

Jack frowned. "The horses. I don’t want them getting into the stalls and stirring up the horses.” Jack had two workhorses and two buggy horses. He continued, “Apart from that there’s nothing that can hurt them around these parts.”

"They might get lost...or worse," Bailey said.

Jack laughed, "They've been playing in these fields since they could walk. They know them well enough. And no one comes out here. Don't be so worried about things, there’s no danger. I guess in your old line of work you had to think about dangerous possibilities. ”

Bailey fixed his eyes on the horizon. Jack was right; he was always looking for things that could go wrong, so he could prevent them. "Yes, you're right, I'm making a fuss over nothing."

After they had been in the bumpy wagon, driving through the fields for ten minutes, Jack pulled the wagon to a halt. “We’ll do this section first.”

Bailey had to pull the wire tight while Jack hammered u-shaped nails into and on top of the sturdy wooden poles. After several minutes of small talk, mostly about Silvie, Jack said, "Bailey, I don't know how to speak on this, so I’ll just say it. I heard you last night. Even poked my head around your door, to see if you were okay."

Bailey felt his chest tighten. His secret was affecting more than just himself. “I’m sorry I woke you. No one else heard me?”

Jack shook his head and continued, "Everyone gets the odd nightmare, but you were fighting and mumbling things. Things I couldn't make sense of. I’ve noticed you get a faraway look in your eyes at times, and I would have to say that you seem troubled."

"I'll sleep in the farmhand's quarters off from the barn, from now on. I can't expect you all to suffer because of me."

"Suffer?"

"Waking you all in the dead of night."

"Only me, and I was already awake. I'm a light sleeper and need only four hours a night. Maybe it’s because I’m a farmer, I don't know. Either way, there's no need to move. The rest of the
familye
slept right through. That's not why I'm raising the subject. You can trust me to tell me what’s bothering you."

Bailey did trust him, but what would he think of him if he told him? His dreams didn’t even make sense to himself. "It's not that I don't trust you, Jack. You’ve been a true friend." He wiped the sweat off his brow with the side of his sleeve.

"Then what is it? Talk to me, Bailey."

Bailey looked into the face of his friend and saw someone who genuinely cared for him. "I've been having nightmares for some time now. And now, during the day, I’m starting to get slammed with images that I don't understand. The images are like the nightmares, but in flashes.”

"Ah." Jack couldn't hide his concern in his expression. "Well, I wasn't sure whether to... it's just that I've noticed something isn't right with you. And well, thing is, I know a doctor who can help.”

"Doctor?" He’d had enough of doctors. This was his problem; he had to deal with it alone. "What can a doctor do?"

"He's...a
special
doctor."

Bailey laughed. “You’re not talking to one of your
kinner,
Jack
.
He’s a psychiatrist, is he?”

Jack tapped his head. "Says his main interest is in healing minds." Raising his hand, he stopped Bailey from the protest he no doubt expected. "Now, I know it might sound a little odd, he's a good man. I trust he would do his best for you. You can't go on like this.”

“I thought Amish didn’t go in for doctors too much.”

“Some prefer to keep to the old ways and dabble in herbal and old-fashioned type remedies, but there’s nothing to prevent us from using doctors when the need arises.”

Bailey thought about going to see another doctor.

“What about Silvie?" Jack asked. “You don’t want whatever’s troubling you to affect her.”

Her name repeated around Bailey’s head.
What if she finds out?
Would I lose her? It would be terrifying to see me wake up screaming, and I can't even explain it.
"Okay, if you trust him that's good enough for me. If you have his details, I'll make an appointment. See what this fellow has to offer. Can't hurt." Bailey did not tell Jack that he had been to one of the best clinical psychiatrists around, Dr. Chivers, and she could not help him. But, back then he was not as desperate for help as he was now.

Bailey thought back to his appointments with Dr. Chivers.

Dr. Maria Chivers had been trying to get Bailey to have hypnotherapy for some time, but he was too nervous. He did not like the idea of someone prying into his memories while being unaware of what they found.

"You may have a buried memory of trauma, perhaps, which is causing these disturbances," she said while tapping into her laptop.

"But I don't understand? Why would something that happened so long ago make his happen now?"

"The traumatic event is so harsh sometimes, that it remains, sometimes for decades or a lifetime, inside your mind. It’s these emotions that manifest themselves in intrusive daytime images of that event and traumatic nightmares—both of them offering vivid re-enactments of the trauma to your conscious mind."

"But they don't feel like memories. Not my memories anyway. There is no recognition, no understanding; they seem like random nightmares."

"That's because they're dissociative episodes. You have forgotten some trauma to such an extent that you are dissociated, or disconnected, from it entirely. It is this disassociation from your past, which we must remedy. I suggest hypnosis to begin with.”

Bailey’s eyes had widened with confusion. Much of what the doctor explained only confused him more, but it persuaded him that she knew an awful lot about something that he did not. Dr. Chivers said that she could treat what ailed him, treat what threatened his future peace.

“You need to slow down, Bailey.” Dr. Chivers’ voice echoed in admonishment in the back of his mind. If only it were so simple.

“Slow down?” he had demanded that final meeting. “Slowing down is the last thing I need right now.”

Dr. Chivers’ office was always obsessively neat. Maybe she had a disorder of her own of some kind. He always meant to ask her if she had a thing against clutter. The wooden desk gleamed and always smelled of orange oil, every pencil and sheet of paper so meticulously placed that it might have been measured.

Dr. Chivers sat behind that desk as she looked at him from over the top of her glasses. “Bailey, these dreams are trying to send you a message. You need to take the time to understand what they are saying.” She straightened her notepad and pencil as she spoke.

“What do you think this is for?” He rubbed his chin hard as he paced up and down her pristine office.

“Bailey... these sessions can be helpful, but only if you slow down enough for us to search out the root of the problem. Even in the middle of our meetings, your mind is going in ten different directions.”

“How many times have we gone over my dreams, Doctor?” he asked bitterly. “How many dream journals? Talks about my childhood, my relationships? It's been a year! If there were anything to find, we would have found it by now.”

“Perhaps,” she agreed, leaning her chin onto her laced hands in silence. “Providing you want to find the answer, Bailey, and providing you’re ready to find it.”

“Why wouldn't I want to find an answer?” Bailey almost shouted.

“That is what we need to find out. It could be a memory your consciousness doesn't want to deal with right now. In cases like this, we'll sabotage our efforts to remember these events by keeping our conscious minds too occupied to fill in the missing gaps. Bailey, we have spoken many times about your childhood, but there are a lot of things that you haven’t wanted to talk about. Could there be something in your past from which you are hiding?”

The buzzer sounded, and their time had come to an end. Hers was a fitting question to end the appointment, and that appointment had become their last, as he had never gone back. Bailey walked out of the doctor’s office, into the waiting room and sat on a chair not ready to face the world. He looked at the fish tank beside him.

He knew that fish were supposed to help calm clients or something along those lines. He watched the fish gliding through the water, and they did give him a sense of calm.

His attention focused on one particular fish. Unlike all the others that were meandering aimlessly through the tank, this one swam with bold, strong strokes.

The thing that disturbed Bailey was that the fish were trapped; they did not have an ocean in which to swim. They were trapped in a tiny space and would never know what it was like to be free. Bailey realized that he felt that he was trapped. In an instant, he remembered a dream he had of being trapped in a tight space.
I’m free, I’m free,
he told himself.
I’m okay.
He steeled himself to stand up and walk out the door and face the world, knowing that his dreams weren’t real.

“Bailey,” Jack said.

Bailey looked across at Jack and was back in the present moment.

“You were a million miles away.”

“I was thinking of, well remembering, a good doctor I saw once. She suggested I should have hypnotherapy, and I resisted. I will go and see your doctor.
Denke
, Jack.”

Jack smiled. “I’ll call him when we get back to the barn and make you an appointment.”

Chapter 6.

In the house of the righteous is much treasure:

but in the revenues of the wicked is trouble.

The lips of the wise disperse knowledge:

but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.

Proverbs 15:6-7

“Did I tell you that Mr. Caruthers said that he might make my job fulltime?”

“Sabrina, that’s excellent news.” Silvie placed a plateful of scrambled egg and toast in front of Sabrina then fixed some on a plate for herself.

“I said I’d do breakfast this morning, Silvie.”

“I was up early so I thought I’d make a start on it.”

“Is there
kaffe
?” Sabrina looked towards the stove.

“
Nee,
I forgot, sorry.”

Sabrina rose to her feet and clutched the coffee pot. “Something on your mind?”

“
Nee
, tell me about your job. Are they getting busier, or are they going to get you to do different things?” Silvie knew she would have to change the subject otherwise Sabrina would start on about Bailey again.

“They’re thinking of opening another auction yard; Mr. Caruthers said it’s nearly a hundred miles away.”

“But you’ll be staying here, won’t you? They can’t expect you to move from your home.”

“
Jah
, I’ll be staying here with the local branch, but I do want to move out. If I get fulltime pay, I’ll be able to move out in no time.”

“
Nee
, Sabrina. You’ll stay here.
Mamm
and
dat
would not like it if you moved out of this
haus
.”

“I can’t stay here once you’re married. I’d feel like an intruder.”

“We’ve been through this already, Sabrina. Not another word.” Silvie knew her parents would be most upset if Sabrina moved out and would most likely want her to go back to Ohio rather than live by herself somewhere. “I don’t know where you think you’d live anyway.”

“I’ll find a place; things always work out for me.” While the coffee pot was coming to the boil; Sabrina sat back down in front of her eggs.

“The last thing I need at the moment is to worry about you.”

“What do you mean? What else are you worried about?” Sabrina stared across the table at Silvie.

Silvie looked away from Sabrina’s big blue eyes. “It’s just that…you know? The wedding and all that. I’ve got the wedding on my mind and all the organization and hoping that this
haus
fits all the people who are coming.”

“You could have it at someone else’s
haus.
What about Emma and Wil’s
haus
? That’s a huge place.”

Silvie shook her head. “
Nee
, they’re still in the middle of renovations, I couldn’t have it there. Anyway, all the invitations have been handed out with this address.”

“Where’s all the
familye
staying?”

“
Mamm
and
dat
are staying at the Millers’ and John, Eli and Jared are staying here.”

Sabrina scooped some egg onto her fork and popped it in her mouth.

“Elias, Peter and their
fraas
aren’t coming and neither are John and Eli’s
fraas
and their
kinner
.”

Silvie nodded. “When I get married I would expect everyone to come.”

“It’s a long way to come. Someone has to look after the farms. I guess I’m lucky that any of them are coming at all.”

“I suppose Jared’s coming to look around for a
fraa
. Weddings are always
gut
places to meet everyone in the community.”

“He’s old to still be unmarried. Would be nice if he met a girl, and moved around here.”

“
Jah
, I suppose, but then there would be another sibling watching every move I make,” Sabrina said.

“
Nee
, no one’s watching what you do. Do you have a guilty conscience about something?”

“
Nee
, Silvie, I do not."

Silvie giggled. “I think it would be nice to have more
familye
around.”

“You and Bailey can have lots of
bopplis
then and make your own
familye
.”

“
Jah
, we will.”

“So, when Bailey sells his house is he buying one around here?”

“I expect so. Or, we might just live in this one for a while.”

Sabrina took a deep breath and then blurted, “I can’t live with you, can’t you see that?”

Silvie shook her head. “You can and you will or
mamm
and
dat
will force you to go back with them. Can’t you see that?”

“They can’t make me do anything like that. I’m nearly twenty.”

Silvie raised her eyebrows.

“What’s that look for? I’ve got a job here and friends, they can’t make me leave, can they?”

“Would you really go against what they tell you to do?”

Sabrina frowned and tapped her chin with her fingertips. “I don’t know.”

“Well, best you don’t make a fuss about living here or they’ll see that you go back with them when the wedding is over.”

Silvie knew that although Sabrina was nearly twenty, she had an overwhelming ability to get herself into trouble. She needed Sabrina close where she could keep a close eye on her. Although Sabrina was a handful, she was her
schweschder,
and she was duty bound to look after her the best she could.

* * *

After a few minutes describing his history to the doctor that Jack recommended, Dr. Phillips suggested hypnotherapy just as Dr. Chivers had suggested.

“I’ll book an appointment for you tomorrow and that way we can have a clear run. I’ll see if Dr. Chivers can send over
your files. But don’t
expect immediate results, it will more than likely take a few sessions to see any change in your situation.”

“I’m willing to do what it takes, Doctor.”

The doctor looked pleased. “Good.” The doctor turned his attention away from Bailey and made some notes into his cumbersome desktop computer. Bailey looked around the small room and saw no place where he would lie down on a couch. The office was dark and boring, nothing like the tastefully decorated surrounds of Dr. Chivers’ office.

When Bailey got home, Jack was waiting to take the four older boys into town. When they left, Bailey sat on the porch and tried to empty his mind.

Pamela poked her head out the door. “Would you like some
kaffe
?”

“I’d love one,
denke
.”

Pamela returned with two mugs of
kaffe
and slices of orange cake. “I’ll join you while the little one’s asleep.”

“You don’t get much of a rest, do you?”

Pamela laughed. “That’s the way I like it. There’s always something to keep me busy.”

Bailey chatted with Pamela until the toddler woke up.