An Idiot in Love (a laugh out loud comedy) (8 page)

              ‘Clearly she didn’t,’ I said.

              ‘Maybe she’s a lesbian,’ Olly offered.

              ‘I don’t think--’

              ‘You should get a tattoo with her name,’ Max cut in, ever the idiot. ‘Break the ice as my mother says,
then
you can show her your massive cock.’

              Peter, Olly and I all stared at Max in open mouthed wonder.

              Three girls from the year above us had been skipping nearby, even they turned to look. Max stared back, oblivious.

              ‘Never get a tattoo,’ Olly said, shaking Max out of his head. ‘My dad knew a guy who got one once; he wanted Elmo boxing Tyson on his back, paid a small fortune for it. The tattooist was a pro, forty years in the business, thousands of happy customers. Poor sod had a minor stroke ten minutes in, didn’t know where the fuck he was, couldn’t remember anything. The guy ended up with Maggie Thatcher riding a Space Hopper.’

              ‘Bollocks,’ I spat, sensing shenanigans.             

              ‘I shit you not,’ Olly assured. ‘The tattooist reckons he had that image in his head for weeks, said he was glad to get it out.’

              ‘Is that really true or is this like the time you saw Lord Lucan in Tesco?’

              ‘It was either him or his double.’

              ‘In
Tesco
though?’

              Olly simply shrugged. ‘He’s gotta do his shopping somewhere.’

              I stared at him unsurely for a moment, shrugged off the insanities and changed the subject: ‘I’m not getting a tattoo.’

              ‘Maybe you should,’ Peter piped up, attracting everyone’s attention. ‘If I had gotten a tattoo of Lisa’s name maybe she wouldn’t have dumped me.’

              The group sounded a collective sigh.

              Lisa had used Peter to adapt to her life at a new school and a new environment. He became increasingly obsessed with her, the few times he wasn’t with her he was talking about her.

              It had taken Lisa a couple of months to find a new group of friends, not realising that if not for Peter, and his reputation as a boring idiot, she would have befriended them a lot sooner. She broke up with him four months in. She hadn’t really been interested in him but he did have pity and familiarity on his side, so they spent the next two years in a yo-yo relationship until Lisa eventually decided she had enough.

              ‘Would you forget about her already?’ Olly said. ‘You’re twelve now, you’re nearly a man. Grow a pair of balls and find
another
girl to play with them.’

              Peter looked appalled. ‘Lisa
never-
-’

              ‘Well, then why are you complaining so much? Shut your mouth an’ find a girl that will.’

              Peter
harrumphed
and pressed his lips tightly together. His talking done for the day.

              My friends had failed me, but I still refused to meet the situation head on. I went to Katie’s friends.

              Christy was my first port of call. During the dinner break, after scrubbing my skin clean in the school toilets, I found her wandering around the entrance, her eyes on the floor.

              Katie and Christy had been best friends all of their lives. They lived near each other, went to the same schools and were even born in the same week.

              I tracked up to her with my hands in my pockets. She wasn’t a very pretty girl and she wasn’t very interesting to talk to, but I liked her. Partly because of her connection and proximity to Katie, mostly because her friendship with Katie reminded me of the one I shared with Max.

              ‘Hey Christy, what you up to?’

              ‘I’m looking for a contact lens,’ she said without looking up.

              ‘I didn’t know you wore contacts.’

              She looked up at me, confusion in her eyes. ‘I don’t,’ she said with a frown, as if I was insane for stating such a thing.

              Christy reminded me
a lot
of Max.

              I decided to skip the questioning, not sure where it would take me. ‘Can I have a word with you about Katie?’

              Christy shrugged as if to say
I’m not going to stop you
.

              ‘The thing is,’ I began, looking away awkwardly, joining Christy in her search for the lens. ‘I like her; I like her quite a lot actually.’

              Christy lifted her head, smiled at me and then lowered it again. ‘That’s nice,’ she said to the ground.

              I pushed on, ‘Could you do me a favour?’

              She glared at me. ‘I’m not looking for your bloody contact lens as well,’ she warned.

              I shook my head. ‘No, I want you ask Katie out for me.’

              ‘You as well?’

              ‘Me as well--’ I paused, confused, surprised: ‘what do you mean “
me as well?”
’

              Christy lifted her head again. ‘Well, she’s already got a boyfriend hasn’t she?’

              ‘Has she?’

              My mind suddenly conjured up a show reel of Katie. Images of her flashed before me at hyper speed. Katie in class. Katie smiling. Katie laughing. Katie leaving school. Katie blowing me a kiss.

              That last one hadn’t been real, but it was in there nevertheless.

              I had never seen Kate with another boy, I had seen her in brief conversations with some, but nothing more than passing greetings. If she had a boyfriend she kept it well.

              ‘She’s with the little fat boy,’ Christy said with her simpleton smile.

              I had definitely never seen Katie with a little fat boy, but now I could see nothing else.

              ‘“
Little fat boy?”’
I asked.

              Christy didn’t reply. Instead she turned around and pointed. I followed her outstretched arm; it led to the school gates.

              I didn’t see what she was pointing at straight away, but then two shapes materialised. The wall at the opening of the gate jutted upwards like the rook on a chess board, two people were leaning against its stone face, locked in an embrace.

              My heart sank when I realised that one of them was Katie. She was pushed up against the wall, her arms around the neck of the boy in front, her long hair in his grubby and unappreciative hands. Her lips were locked tightly onto his, exchanging tongues and saliva.

              My body and heart sagged. The pleasantries on my face ebbed away as every facial muscle sagged. An instant feeling of loss and regret struck me, I felt terrible.

              Then I realised who the lucky boy was and I felt even worse.             

              ‘That’s Chris Peterson,’ I said.

              ‘Yeah,’ Christy said softly, looking admiringly at the kissing couple. ‘He asked her out earlier. She likes the bad boys. I don’t think she used to be that interested, but she saw him beat up some little gay-boy this morning and she fell for him.’ Christy turned back to me, my face now flushed with anger and embarrassment, she didn’t seem to notice. ‘Sweet huh?’

5

Teenage Dreams Part Two: Trinity

             
I expected something to happen when I turned thirteen. I wasn’t quite sure what, but something was surely going to happen.

              It was a big age. It was the official ascent into adolescence. The day when I stopped being a boy and became, well, not quite a man but certainly something less boyish.

              Part of me imagined that at sixteen a mystery man would show up with an ID card, a pack of cigarettes, a condom and a wink. Two years later, at eighteen, I thought the same man would bring along a crate of beer and a note that congratulated me on becoming an adult. At thirteen that man would have nothing to bring me -- pubic hair and acne had already been going strong for a year or two -- but I thought it would be decent of him to show up.              

              Nothing happened. At least not for me.

              After a summer that ended far too early, I went back to school with all the apathy that the first day after summer usually brought. Then I saw Trinity Adams and that apathy disappeared.

              She had also turned thirteen in the summer, but she had changed dramatically. Her breasts, previously only slightly noticeable under her shirt, were now huge. They bobbled around underneath her uniform when she walked and I found myself entranced by them.

              When she smiled at me I nearly melted. I thought she was the most attractive girl I had ever seen; the truth was she was average at best.

              The other boys in the class noticed her as well, and immediately swallowed their conversations as she entered. Their eyes turned to her, following her across the room, fixed on her bouncing breasts.

              I turned to Olly who was also following her with his eyes. ‘Is it me or did she get very attractive over the summer?’ I asked.

              ‘Nah, she’s still ugly,’ he said confidently. ‘Great tits though.’

              Chris Peterson had been sitting on a corner table with his arm around Katie, but when Trinity walked in he dropped his shoulder, shrugged Katie away and rushed to guide Trinity into her seat.

              I knew that if I wanted to make Trinity my first girlfriend, which I did, then I would have to act quickly before she was also tainted by the hand of the chubby bully.

              I waited until break-time to make my move. All around the playground I could see clusters of boys nudging each other, daring one another to go and talk to her.

             
‘Ask her for a suck,’
I heard one say as I shifted past.

              ‘I’d love to bounce on those babies.’

             
I watched her exchange a laugh and a smile with two girls. She didn’t seem aware of the stares, but her friends were and they studied the playground with cautious eyes.

              I could feel my hart race as I closed in.

              The two girls said something to Trinity and then moved away. It was amicable, they were all still smiling, but Trinity was alone now.

              I coughed, cleared my throat, closed my eyes tightly, opened them again.

              I tapped her on the shoulder and wore my best smile.

              She turned, smiling. ‘Hey,’ she said pleasantly.

              I had it all prepared. I had thought about what to say all morning and had rehearsed it a number of times.              

              I prepared to rush through it all, to get it all out there before Chris or anyone interrupted me and tried to steal her away.

              ‘Hey, Titty,’ I said with a smile. ‘I just--,’ I paused. The smile dripped slowly from my face.

             
Trinity. Trinity.
I thought slowly.
Please tell me I said Trinity.

              She wasn’t smiling. She looked shocked.

             
Keep it going, move on, she might not notice.

              I forged another smile and forced myself to continue. ‘I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me. To the cinema or something. I know tits not much--’

             
I did it again.

              I gulped down a thick glob of saliva. Trinity had noticed the slips.

              ‘--
It’s
, sorry,’ I said, coughing into my hand, ‘I have a little--’ I waved a hand around my chest to indicate a cold. Then I looked at her breasts.

              I was still waving at my chest and staring at her breasts when she cleared her throat exaggeratedly.

             
What am I doing!

              Stop staring! Stop staring!

             
I pressed my hand to my chest and held it there with my other hand, as if restraining it from further stupidity. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, my face was flushed with embarrassment; hers was a red shade of annoyance. ‘I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what, I mean; I’m not even like that. I’m a good guy, I don’t even like, I mean they’re lovely an’ all, if not a little big--’

             
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

             
I didn’t want to look at her face, I knew she was angry at me, but that left only one option. My eyes fell to her breasts.

             
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, speaking slowly and staring at her chest as if it was the last chance I’d have to see it. ‘I--i--i--’ I paused, shrugged and turned around. ‘I’ll see you later,’ I walked sullenly back across the playground. A few boys looked my way, wondering if I had succeeded in asking her out or copping a feel.

              I sulked back to my friends. Meeting none of them in the eye, staring at my shoes with a melancholic smudge across my face.

              “I made an idiot outta myself,” I muttered softly.

              Olly put a heavy hand on my shoulder and squeezed. ‘Don’t worry mate,’ he said leaning over so that his mouth spoke directly into my sunken ears. ‘There’ll be plenty of tits to go around soon enough. This is the golden age for us; this is when things start to get interesting.’ He grabbed my chin and lifted it up, forcing me to look out over the expansive playground. ‘You see all of these ugly bitches,’ he said, wiping his free hand across the landscape, ‘all of them will be fuckable soon enough. The world is our oyster mate, so stop sulking and eat up.’