An Imperfect Circle (35 page)

I'd like to say the transition back to friends went smoothly, that I just showed up at school the next week and we were best friends. Unfortunately, nothing is ever that simple when it comes to broken hearts.

Don't get me wrong, it got better.
It just wasn’t what it used to be because it couldn’t be.

There’s no point dwelling on the negatives though. For example, our break-up
had inadvertently fractured the social group so that our friends were forced to choose between sitting with Karl and Matt or with me, Blossom, and Rob. At least now that we're sitting together at lunch and breaks, the gang is reunited.

It's strained though
. It sometimes feels like my mere presence stresses Karl out and it stresses me out as well because I miss our games of chicken, our static shocks, and - most of all - his touch.

I'm not sure if I'm imagining it but it feels like he goes out of his way not to touch me.

And I sort of want to punch him for it.

It's torture because I want to be close to him because I love him despite all the hurt he's caused by endi
ng it. I know he still loves me, I just wish he'd admit it to himself. He's not his usual self and I know his dad's death, Ian’s leaving, and the breakup have taken their toll on him. I want to make it better but that’s not my place anymore and I’m not sure there’s anything I could do anyway.

Unfortunately, the grumpy, brooding thing seems to be working for him in the same way it does for Matt because girls won't leave him alone.
My fingernails actually make a physical dent in my plastic chair when I watch Stacey fussing over him with her low-cut top practically offering her melons up on a plate. The things are ridiculously over-sized, she doesn't need to draw attention to them.

Pathetic.

I'd have done more than damage my chair if it wasn't for the fact that Karl looks irritated as well. I sort of expect Matt to rescue him but he seems to be enjoying the show far too much and I suspect he's amused at how uncomfortable Karl is.

“I'm going to the library,” I announce because Stacey's balloon display has put me off my food. I was eating
Wagon Wheels so that speaks volumes about how repulsed I am.

I figure it gives
Karl an out if he wants one but I'm not sure if he'll take it because, if Matt doesn't follow, he'd be alone with me.

“I'm coming with,” Karl announces, glancing sideways at me. “Matt?” He prompts, looking at his best friend expectantly.

Matt scowls at Karl and my eyes widen in surprise because it happens so rarely. I've only ever seen them angry with each other a handful of times. Usually, Matt’s demons are visibly restrained and I can see him battling with them at every turn. He never has that problem with Karl, he can usually be himself and not worry about it but this time I can see the battle warring behind his scowl.

Karl glowers at Matt for a few seconds longer and I can tell he's contemplating calling him on his aggressive disposition but in the end he just shakes his head and mumbles “whatever” before walking off in the direction of the library without waiting for me.

“Thanks,” he mumbles begrudgingly, holding the door for me whilst I catch up with him.

I quickened my pace slightly but I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else so he should consider himself honoured.

“You’re welcome,” I murmur back because it was more for my sake than his. I’m not exactly overjoyed at the notion of the man I love staring at trampy Barbie’s boobs.

“What’s with Matt?” I ask because I don’t want to continue that train of thought.

He shrugs. “He’s pissed at me.”

I just nod because if he wanted to tell me why, he would have.

He sighs and slumps down into the chair and rests his face in his hands. I can feel his frustration, exhaustion, and general despair in the air around me. It’s like the sad hum of television static.

“Are you alright?” I frown, sitting on the seat next to him in the relatively still and quiet library.

He looks up at me and frowns slightly. “You’re seriously asking?”

“Very seriously,” I nod.

He sighs. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I am,” he scowls, his beautiful blue eyes radiant as ever.

“Sure,” I scoff and roll my eyes. “Well if you need me to turnip Matt and teach him a lesson, say the word.”

He grins at this and my heart beats slightly faster because he’s grinning because of me and it’s been a while.

“You’d do that for me?”

“I’d do anything for you,” I admit on a whisper. Right before my brain sounds a foghorn to tell me that was the wrong thing to say.

Karl’s grin falters and his ex
pression drops like it was the last thing he expected me to say. I’m proud of myself for being honest but cringing internally at the consequent awkwardness.

“How are uni applications going?”
I ask to change the subject and because I want to know.

He relaxes and a slight smirk crosses his face. “I’ve not applied.”

“What?” I balk because the deadline for submissions is fast approaching.

“I don’t think uni is the right choice for me.”

“Since when?”

I agree but he seemed dead set on it. It’s not that he isn’t clever, I just don’t think he wanted to go for the right reasons.

“Since Christmas,” he shrugs and I hate that it’s taken me so long to find this out
. “I talked to Ian.” He looks up at me and his thick lower lashes fan out across his perfect cheek bones. “I was so fucking jealous.”

I laugh because he’s grinning so he’s obviously gotten over it and I suspected he’d be jealous because I know he wants to be where Ian is if he’s honest with himself.

“We fought,” he continues. “The worst fight we’ve ever had. We almost killed each other.”

I frown. I hate the idea of that.

“He basically called me an idiot.”

I know he despises that.

“He may have been right.”

“What?” I recoil
and tramp down my smirk because Karl hates it when Ian is right and he hates admitting it more.

“I was comparing the two of us,” he shrugs. “
But Ian pointed out I’m the only one who ever made it a competition. We’re similar but we’re still different.”

“Sounds like I’ve heard this before,” I say before I can stop myself. “Where have I heard it? Oh, that’s right. I told you.”

“I know, I know,” he chuckles.

I love that he’s opening up to me once more and we’re able to relax with each other whilst talking about something personal.

“I should have listened,” he smiles genuinely and that tightening feeling in my stomach that’s been absent for so long makes a fluttery reappearance.

“You should always listen to me,” I grin with a decisive nod.

“Maybe,” he smirks and his expression is sceptical but there’s a flicker of something else.

“What?” I question because I want to know what that something else is.

He grimaces like he was hoping I wouldn’t notice.

“Just something Matt said,” he shrugs and it would have looked casual if this wasn’t the man I’d spilt my soul to.
The man who I know as well as I know myself.

“About me?” I venture a guess. I can see in his expression that it’s about me because it’s the same way he looked at me when he broke my heart.

“Maybe,” his eyebrows furrow.

“Is he pissed at you for coming with me?” My heart sinks as I realise that Matt looked irritated once Karl got up.

“He hasn’t said anything to you?” Karl looks at me suspiciously.

“No,” I sigh. “He’s been a bit off with me since…” I trail off and shrug. He knows what I mean.

It’s not that he’s been rude or horrible, just abrupt. He only answers with one word where he can and he never smiles and relaxes with me anymore. I’m not sure what triggered it. Shortly after Karl and I agreed to be friends again, he just seemed to get grumpier.

Maybe he’s mad at me for taking Karl away from him again. It never occurred to me before but when Karl broke up with me, Matt got his best friend back.

Their relationship is fairly unique. They are best friends and brothers but I know that Karl is Matt’s support system, his guardian, protector, and the person he can turn to with anything.

For Karl, Matt is the person that has and always will choose him over any of his brothers. It might sound twisted but being one of seven siblings, with a practically perfect older brother,
Matt’s friendship makes him feel that he has something they don’t.

I never stopped to consider how lenient Matt had been in accepting me into their friendship. I basically stole Karl from him.

“Does he hate me?” I gasp as I let all those thought sink in.

“What? No of course he doesn’t,” Karl almost laughs. He’s obviously shocked and that’s a little reassuring. “Trust me, if he hated you, you’d know about it.”

“I guess,” I frown, not really convinced.

“He’s pissed at me, not you,” Karl insists.

When I maintain my disbelieving expression Karl sighs and appears to be mulling something over.

“He called me out because he thinks I’m a dick for fucking everything up,” Karl groans, resting his face in his hands again.

I blink a few times and stare at him because this doesn’t make sense. “Messing things up?”

“With you,” he admits begrudgingly, leaning back and locking his hands behind his head.

I’m pretty sure he’s trying to distract me by flashing that strip of kissable stomach.

I’d quite like to kiss it again.

But I’m not getting distracted because this is too important.

“Why is Matt mad about that?” I frown. This doesn’t make sense.

Karl shrugs awkwardly.

“But…” I start piecing it together. We broke up months ago. Besides, we’re friends again now and have been for weeks. “We made friends again.”

“That’s not why I’m pissed at you and you fucking know it,” Matt’s angry snarl draws my attention.

“Eavesdropping?” Karl drawls back, seemingly unaffected. I guess he’s used to Matt’s temper but I’m not quite so immune to it and my skin goosebumps in response to the shroud of fury radiating in the air around him.

“It’s a fucking library, dickwad. It’s impossible not to hear what you’re saying,” Matt snaps back.

“Whatever,” Karl shrugs, kicking out the chair next to him so that Matt can sit down.

He looks at the chair like it’s made of daggers but begrudgingly sits down.

“Want me to leave you t
wo to your lover’s quarrel?” I smirk because if Karl’s not worried, I figure I shouldn’t be either and I want this tension gone.

Now.

“Fuck you,” Matt retorts but I can see the slight smile he’s trying to hide so I’m not too worried.

“Don’t swear at her, asshole,” Karl growls, kicking the leg of
Matt’s chair and causing him to jolt slightly.

I expect Matt to lash out but he doesn’t, if anything it seems to take the edge of a little because I see his body relax a little.

“Why the fuck not?” Matt retorts, shoving Karl’s elbow so his arm slips off the table and he almost face plants onto the disk.

“Because she doesn’t like it,” Karl barks, recovering quickly.

“
She
can speak for herself, thank you very much,” I quip with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

“Jesus, I can’t do anything right,” he sighs
. “You to ladies talk. I need to piss.”

“Charming,” I call out to his retreating back, earning myself a loud shush from the librarian.

He turns and walks backwards whilst winking at me like the cocky muppet that he is.

I shake my head and turn back to Matt.

“Dickhead,” Matt grumbles.

“You love him really,” I goad.

“Says you,” Matt scoffs.

“I never said I didn’t,” I shrug.

“He loves you too,” Matt says, lowering his voice slightly. Possibly because the librarian is still glaring at us but most likely because he doesn’t want to be overheard.

“I know,” I nod.

He frowns in confusion. Like he can’t process the information. “Then why don’t you call him on it?”

“Because he ended it.
I knew he loved me when he did. I’m sure he had his reasons,” I sigh because I’ve only really talked about it with Becky, Bear, and Mum. Matt’s a friend but with things being weird between us recently, we don’t ever talk about deep stuff.

“Fucked up reasons,” Matt scowls again and it’s like he’s ready to burst at the seams or spontaneously combust.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re so angry at him or do you both need a good cry?” I ask semi-sarcastically because I generally do want to know but I can’t help mocking them a bit.

“Shut up,” he smirks. “Men don’t cry.”