An Inconvenient Desire (16 page)

Three hours later, Olivia stood at the top of a barren hill. They’d stopped for lunch at a quaint little café but it had been hard to enjoy the food when she didn’t know what was coming.
Has he finally decided that as a model I’m not a suitable nanny? That he has to sever my ties to his daughter before I turn her into a—gasp!—model? Is this the end?

The cold wind had nothing on the chill coming from within. She pulled her coat closer around her, trying to find some warmth.

“It’s beautiful here,” she said to break the silence that was killing her.

“More beautiful than Italy?” At least she hadn’t frozen her butt off when she’d stood on top of that hill in Brisighella and looked out over the vista. It seemed a million years ago now.

“Different. Italy was cultured and civilized. This is raw and powerful, passionate.” She didn’t dare look at him.

“I know what you mean. The world has some stunningly beautiful places. But whenever I come here, I feel at home. Like this is part of me,” he revealed. “But it’s also a place where everything is exposed.”

She glanced at him and was held by the intensity of his gaze. “What do you mean?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Jonathan held her hands so she couldn’t turn away. “This landscape demands honesty. No lies, no prevarications.”

“Really? We’re going to do this here, in the freezing cold?” she stalled for time. She wasn’t ready to hear him tell her to leave.

“Right here, right now. We can talk, no one to interrupt, no one to overhear.”

“So talk.” She steeled herself against his next words.

“First, about last night. I was … ”

She wasn’t going to make this easy for him.

He let go of one of her hands and ran his through his hair in obvious agitation. “I was a complete and utter shit. It’s no excuse, but I was exhausted from my trip and all I could think about was coming home to you.”

“Hannah and me.”

He put his free hand on her cheek. “No, you. As much as I love my daughter, it’s seeing you every night, or at least hearing your voice on the phone, that keeps me sane. All the stress and tension from my job melts away when you’re near. I rushed home to see you, and you weren’t there. I’d hoped to spend the evening with you. Instead, I cuddled up with a bottle of Scotch and replayed all the nights I’d come home to an empty house during my marriage.”

“Jonathan—”

“No, it was my fault entirely. My longings, my insecurities, they got the better of me. So when you came home, I attacked you. And in the most abhorrent way a man can attack a woman. I have never, ever, forced myself on a woman. There is no excuse for what I did. And although I swear to you it will never happen again, I’ll understand if you feel you can’t stay at the house any longer.”

She sucked in a breath at the pain she saw in his eyes. “Jonathan, you didn’t attack me. Yes, you were a bit drunk and you were totally out of line, accusing me of running off and leaving Hannah and turning her into a model with a few photos. But once your lips touched mine, it was mutual desire that drove the kiss. And I don’t even have the excuse of alcohol consumption for the part I played.”

“You make me lose control, Olivia. And it scares me.”

Her heartbeat accelerated and her mouth went dry. “I’m scared, too, Jonathan. There’s a powerful attraction between us. I’m afraid if I give in to it, I’ll never be the same again.”

“I know I’ll never be the same. No matter what happens between us, I don’t want to go back to who I was. You’ve made me realize that shutting myself off from love isn’t the answer. And for that I will be eternally grateful.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied. She wished he’d proclaimed his love for her.

“But if we’re going to have any kind of personal relationship, we need to be honest with each other. For instance, what set you off at the Tate? We were enjoying the evening and then it suddenly changed.”

“I realized that we’re too different. We want different things in life. I want a committed relationship and you want friends with benefits. If it weren’t for Hannah, we’d have split long ago.” Raw truth. She shuddered. There, she’d said it. She searched his eyes, sure she’d see confirmation of her prognosis.

“Olivia, I know we haven’t had a conventional relationship so far. We went from first date to practical parenthood. But even before Hannah appeared on the scene, I was fascinated by you. You are smart, funny, warm, compassionate, and incredibly sexy. That day we spent in Brisighella was wonderful. I have never felt so at peace with another woman, ever. I could just be myself with you, have a laugh, enjoy the moment. And since Hannah entered our lives, every night I come home feeling that everything is right in my life. I’ve never felt that before, either. I’m desperate to make love with you, but nonetheless content just to be with you.” His voice was husky, as if he, too, were battling great emotion.

“Is that all I can expect, ‘content to be with you’? Will you ever get over your marriage? Ever be able to accept me as a … model?” She should tell him about the rape and her baby, give him the full picture of who she was, still deep inside. But the words wouldn’t form. Olivia tried to pull away, but Jonathan didn’t let her. He waited until she glanced up at his face again. Here it was, the end, in glorious Technicolor. “Go on, you said raw truth. Give it to me, Jonathan.”

He took a deep breath and stared over her left shoulder. “I can’t give my heart to another model. I can’t go down that road again.”

Pain sliced through her. If he hadn’t been holding her, she’d have bent double. “You think I’ll be like Celeste?”

His gaze snapped back to hers as though she’d slapped him. “No, I know you’ll never be like her. But I can’t live that life again. I don’t want to come home and you not be there. I don’t want you away for weeks on end at the other side of the world. I don’t want strangers looking after Hannah while you’re away. I want—I need—a conventional family. If I settle for less, I know I’ll resent every assignment that takes you away from me. It will poison our relationship.”

“It was one night, Jonathan. I was helping a friend. And James isn’t a stranger.”

“I know, but I saw the excitement in your face when you returned. You’ve been bitten by the fame bug. You’re popular, everyone wants you. I can understand that. I saw your photos. You are amazing. And believe me, I spent the whole night telling myself I’m a Neanderthal, expecting you to give up your career for me. It’s not fair to even ask. But I am. I’m asking you to decide, Olivia. Modeling or me?”

Choose him, choose him
, her body screamed. But the little voice in her head reminded her of all the other men who had claimed to want her, only to bore of her after a few months. If she gave up everything to be with Jonathan, there would be no career to go to when he tired of her. And she’d never be able to help girls who were in the same position she’d been in seven years ago. Girls like the one at the station today, who needed to believe there was hope just to make it through another day.

“You’re asking me to make a sacrifice even you’re not willing to make, Jonathan. You travel more with your work than I ever have with mine. I need some time to think.”

The raw disappointment in his eyes almost made her blurt out her answer right there. What was life if not a gamble? Even a few months of Jonathan was worth a lifetime of nothing.

“I understand. Can we have a trial run, though? Set aside all the issues between us for this weekend and just enjoy being together?”

“I’d like that.”

“Before I kiss you, I have one last question.”

“Will my answer depend on whether you kiss me or not?”

He laughed. “I wish I could say yes. But I think my body will overrule my head on this one.”

“Then ask away.”

“Are the feelings you have for me because I’m Hannah’s father? I mean, do you just want me because I come with her?”

Olivia sighed. He’d given her honesty, she had to do the same. “My feelings for you are independent of my love for Hannah. What you’re offering is very tempting. But I have some issues to deal with. Sophia and I promised each other we wouldn’t be defined by our past. But it’s harder said than done sometimes. I have tried so many times to make people love me, and I’ve always ended up hurt. I can’t compromise anymore. I have to know that this relationship will give me as much as I give it. It may sound selfish, but … ” She trailed off, not knowing how to explain the fear and longing that ran through her every time she thought of a future with Jonathan.

“I can give you time, Olivia. All I ask is that you let me show you how great we are together.” Jonathan took her face in his hands and slowly lowered his head. He kissed her gently, tenderly, telling her with his lips how much he cared.

When he eventually raised his head, she whispered, “I can’t sleep with you yet, Jonathan. I have done too many things in the past because someone wanted me to, or because I thought it would please them. This time it has to be for me, because I want it.”

“Fair enough,” he replied. “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t help you along the way to wanting me.”

“Agreed,” she said, followed by another long, sensuous kiss. How long would it be before she was ripping his clothes off? At least until they got to the bottom of the hill, she hoped.

Olivia bit into the homemade bread and savored the flavor. Empty carbs may be evil but after the emotional turmoil of yesterday, she needed something other than an egg white omelet to get her through the day. Jonathan sat opposite her at his parents’ kitchen table, his sock-clad foot rubbing up and down her calf in a secret caress. They had to get ready for the wedding soon. It was the calm before the storm.

“Aaaahhhh! My wedding is ruined!” Stephanie erupted into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.

Patricia raced over from where she’d been preparing pancakes for Hannah. “What’s happened, honey?”

“The woman who was to do our hair and makeup just cancelled. I’m going to look horrible, my photos will be ruined, and the whole day will just be miserable,” she finished on a wail.

“Wedding day nerves,” Jonathan’s father said and returned to his breakfast.

“I can do your hair and makeup,” Olivia offered. “I did up my friend Sophia when she got married a few months ago. If you have a photo of what you want, I can try to match it.”

“Really, you can do that? But when will you get ready?” Stephanie tried to dry her tears with the sleeve of her dressing gown.

“I’ll get ready after you’re done. We can’t have a wedding without a radiant bride. Now, was the makeup artist going to bring all the things with her or do you have them here?”

“I have the stuff for my hair, but she was bringing the makeup,” Stephanie said with just a hint of wobble in her voice.

“Well, we’ll see if what I have will suit you, otherwise maybe Jonathan can make an emergency trip to the store.”

Olivia rose from the table and was about to follow Stephanie upstairs when Jonathan touched her arm. “Thank you,” he whispered. He kissed her cheek, setting off a warm glow. The smile in his eyes said he knew exactly what effect he was having on her.

“Show me what you have in mind,” she said as she entered Stephanie’s room.

“I like this hair style.” Stephanie handed a photo to her. “And this is what Leanne did with my makeup when we had the practice session.” She pulled up a photo on her mobile phone.

“I think we can manage that,” Olivia reassured her. “Now, tell me how you met Steve.” She wanted Stephanie to focus on the real reason for the day’s events and not the morning’s minor hiccup.

“We met when he came to repair my car after I’d broken down on the motorway. He works as a mechanic in his dad’s repair shop. I didn’t want to go out with him when he first asked me,” Stephanie began.

“Really, why not?”

“Because his name is Stephan. Stephan and Stephanie, it’s too cute. But he told me he’d change his name if it bothered me and that most people called him Steve, anyway. I thought any man that would go to that extreme just to date a woman couldn’t be all that bad. And by the end of our first date, I knew we would get married,” she finished, her usual enthusiasm and excitement back in her voice.

“That quick?” Olivia was shocked.

“Yup. When did you realize you were in love with my brother?” Stephanie asked as Olivia dabbed moisturizer on the bride’s face.

“Who said I was in love with your brother?” She stopped what she was doing and took a step back.

Stephanie opened her eyes and laughed. “Your body language. When he walks in the room it’s like you’re opposite magnets. You can be standing far away and within a minute you’re next to each other. I know my brother is good-looking, but it can’t all be his looks.”

“No, no, it’s not. I like the way I feel when I’m with him. Like I’m a better person, not so wrapped up in my own head. I’ve never felt like that before. Is that love?”

“Sounds like it. When you can’t bear to make it through the day without seeing him or at least hearing his voice, then you’ll know,” Stephanie said.

That pretty much described every time Jonathan went on a business trip. Despite telling herself she was an idiot, she’d count the hours between when he left and returned. Then she pathetically sat by the phone each evening, waiting for him to call. Not to mention the excitement that raced through her when she heard his footsteps in the hallway. Was that love?

“How’s it going in here?” Patricia asked, opening the door to Stephanie’s room a couple hours later.

“Wonderful,” Stephanie gushed. “Olivia has done my makeup perfect, just the way I was hoping. And she’s had a brilliant idea for my hair as well.”

“You look beautiful,” Patricia said, a wobble in her voice.

“I can do your hair and makeup, too, if you like,” Olivia offered.

“Oh, I don’t think you need to bother with me. I don’t usually wear much makeup, and no one has been able to do anything with my hair in ages.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep it looking natural. Why don’t you sit down for a moment, Patricia? I think Stephanie could do with something to eat. She hasn’t had anything yet today. We can’t have the bride fainting on us, so off you go, Stephanie.”