An Inconvenient Desire (7 page)

Jonathan looked up from the computer and smiled as Hannah stood a few feet away, clutching her picture so tightly in her little fist that the paper almost ripped. “Can I see your picture, sweetheart?”

Slowly, Hannah walked the remaining steps toward him and tentatively held out the paper for his inspection.

“That’s beautiful, Hannah. Very … colorful.” Jonathan obviously struggled to find an appropriate comment for the squiggles on the paper. The little girl smiled shyly and then moved away to stand beside Olivia, as she folded freshly laundered clothes.

In the week since Hannah had come into their lives, she had slowly started to unwind. Her smiles were more frequent and once or twice she had chatted nonsense at the dolly that was her constant companion. Jonathan had set up the cot in the bedroom, relocating one of the twin beds to an empty room downstairs, which he said he was eventually going to set up as a home office.

Although Hannah now slept in her own bed, Olivia continued to share a room with her, as the little girl often woke in the night, whimpering softly. Olivia would quietly remind Hannah that she was nearby, and be rewarded a few minutes later with the gentle snores of a sleeping toddler.

The other reason Olivia slept there was Jonathan. Since the night of Hannah’s arrival, she’d been careful to keep her distance. Jonathan was potent stuff and she wasn’t yet immune. She didn’t trust herself to resist him a second time. Now was not the time to lose focus and pack in her dreams for the illusion that a man was going to solve all her problems. This little taste of family life was fun, even challenging at times as they tried to work out what Hannah wanted. Olivia certainly fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day. But it was just temporary. And she wasn’t going to settle for anything less than permanent.

As she put another of Hannah’s outfits on the pile to go upstairs, she caught sight of her nails. The polish was chipped from constantly washing something. She’d better plan a day at the spa before she went back to London or her agent wouldn’t book her on any more assignments. At least she’d been able to do her workout routine while Hannah napped, so she didn’t have weight to lose as well.

“I called my mother and told her about Hannah.” Jonathan’s deep voice broke into her thoughts. He sounded so serious.

“That must have been a shock for her.”

“Yes, but she recovered well. I’ve asked her to look after Hannah when I return to the UK.”

“Sounds like a good solution.” Olivia ignored the pressure in her chest. Despite the hard work and ruined nails, she was going to miss Hannah when the time came to say goodbye. But she could probably still pop around and see her regularly. “Does your mum live near you?”

“No, she’s up in Yorkshire.”

Olivia stared at him. “Yorkshire? How’s that going to work? I thought you lived and worked in London. Are you going to move up north?”

“No. Hannah will live with my parents. I’ll stay in London and go up every chance I get to see her.”

“Wait. What?” She stopped folding laundry, gripping the shirt in her hand so tightly it would take an hour of ironing to get the wrinkles out. “You’re going to abandon your daughter and have your mother raise her?”

He was showing who he really was now. Like every other man she knew, his own comfort was most important. Thank God she hadn’t slept with him. If it weren’t for Hannah, she’d walk out the door this instant and never look back. But for Hannah she had to make an effort to reason with him. Or beat him over the head with a pan until some sense was knocked into him.

“I want to do what’s best for the child. My parents will provide her with a stable, loving home. And with my nieces and nephews around the corner she’ll have extended family as well.” His voice was so calm, as though he were discussing whether to have fish or chicken for dinner.

To hell with reasoning with him. Her tenuous hold on her temper snapped. It was a good thing for him there wasn’t anything wieldable nearby.

“What is best for
the child
is for her father to stop calling her that and acknowledge that she’s his
daughter
, his flesh and blood. And no matter what spin you put on it, Jonathan, you’re not living up to your responsibility. You’re no better than Celeste!” Olivia threw the shirt she held at him. It fluttered harmlessly to the floor a couple feet away. If she weren’t so furious, she’d have laughed at the shocked expression on his face. As it was, she could barely stand to look at him.

“Come on, Hannah. It’s a lovely day. Let’s get out of this stuffy house and go for a walk.” She spoke as gently as possible to the little girl whose blue eyes had filled with tears at Olivia’s angry tone. She glared at Jonathan, warning him not to follow her. After putting their shoes on, she grabbed a couple of hats and her handbag and slammed the door behind her.

Her muscles quivered and her jaw hurt from clenching it. How dare he think he could foist his responsibility on his mother? She’d hoped that as the days passed, Jonathan would bond with his daughter. Instead she’d seen him almost physically hold himself back from showing affection to the little girl.

She sighed. Unfortunately, it was his decision. She really had no right to interfere—except she couldn’t help herself. She couldn’t just stand by and let Hannah be abandoned by yet another parent.

Because she was still new to the area, the only place they had to go was Sophia’s house. Thankfully, they’d left the stroller by the front door. She strapped Hannah in and headed down the road.

Maria and Vittore were delighted to see her again and greeted Hannah like a royal visitor. The older couple chatted to them in Italian, and although neither Olivia nor Hannah understood what they were saying, the love and enjoyment was so evident it didn’t matter. Occasionally, Olivia’s phone would ring, but as she saw Jonathan’s name come up with the number, she ignored the calls.

Finally, as it was getting dark and the phone began to ring more frequently, she answered. After all, she had run off with his daughter. He did have a right to know where she was.

“Hello, Jonathan.” With Hannah on her lap, she kept her tone neutral.

“Olivia, I’m sorry. Please come home. Can I pick you up somewhere?” He sounded genuinely remorseful.

“We’re at Sophia’s place.” She didn’t say goodbye, just ended the call.

Ten minutes later Jonathan was at the door, looking sheepish. Was it only a week ago that they’d had their first date and she’d thought him a Norse god? Well, now she knew he had a heart of stone. At least she’d learned that lesson early, and not after completely losing herself to him.

Hannah was so relaxed by the showering of attention, she rushed to the door and hugged Jonathan’s leg. After picking the little girl up and kissing her cheek, he dared to look at Olivia. His blue eyes were so contrite that a chunk of the anger she’d built like a wall around her crumbled. He was, after all, a single dad, trying to do the best for his daughter. Even if Olivia didn’t agree with him.

She said a warm goodbye to her Italian hosts, hugging the couple who had opened their arms to them earlier in the day. Both Maria and Vittore kissed Hannah, now held in Jonathan’s arms. Hannah babbled away, mimicking the cadence of the Italian language as if she could understand them.

Maria enveloped Olivia again in a warm hug before addressing Jonathan.

“They want you to come visit again with Hannah,” he translated.

“Please tell them I’ll be back as soon as Sophia is home,” Olivia replied. “She said just a few more days in her last phone call.”

Jonathan translated the message and then, after saying his own goodbye, put Hannah in her car seat in his truck. As soon as he moved away from the door, Olivia jumped in and closed it herself.

The ride back to his place was accomplished in icy silence. When they arrived, she unbuckled Hannah and lifted her out of the vehicle. Jonathan unlocked the house door and she sauntered through.

“I’ll get Hannah ready for bed. No need to trouble yourself.” She headed straight up the stairs without even glancing at him.

She gave Hannah a bath, completely ignoring Jonathan as he stood and watched from the door. Her senses, though, were on high alert. Her traitorous body still wanted him, wanted to be wrapped in his arms, held against his solid chest.

Their two kisses still loomed large in her memory. Jonathan had awakened a passion she’d thought only existed in books. Her blood had turned to molten lava, setting fire to all her inhibitions, leaving her resolutions a smoldering pile of wasted words. She had no defense against his touch, and even angry with him, she longed to feel his arms around her.

If she were smart, she’d run from here as fast as her legs would carry her. She’d taken care of herself since she was fifteen, and had done a pretty decent job. She couldn’t let some man come and take over now. Not that it was likely. He didn’t even want his own daughter. As soon as Hannah was gone, she’d leave, too.

He followed her as she carried Hannah to her bedroom but disappeared when Olivia began singing a lullaby.

Hannah fell asleep within a minute after the busy day. Olivia considered having a long shower and going to bed as well, but decided she’d better face Jonathan while the little girl slept. Her harsh words this morning had upset the child. She didn’t want to imagine what Hannah’s reaction would be to a full-blown argument. But she had to make an effort to show Jonathan how much keeping his daughter with him would mean. And if that meant a sacrifice on her part as well, she had to do it. Hannah would not suffer as she had.

She descended the stairs and found Jonathan on the back terrace. A bottle of wine and two glasses were on the table.

She might need the wine. It was going to be painful to dredge up the past she’d carefully hidden under makeup and fancy clothes.

“I thought maybe you wouldn’t come down tonight,” Jonathan said softly, hoping to melt the glacial look on Olivia’s face. He poured a glass of wine and set it on the table in front of her. Their evening ritual of enjoying a drink on the terrace after Hannah went to bed had become the highlight of his day. Even though it meant it took twice as long to fall asleep as he waited for his body to get over the disappointment that Olivia wasn’t in the bed next to him. He was doing his best to resist the allure of this little slice of family life. It was what he’d envisioned when he married Celeste. Look how that had turned out.

Olivia took a sip of the wine before answering. “It crossed my mind not to come down. But I thought, for Hannah’s sake, we’d better have our argument now.” Her voice was still frosty.

“Is that what we’re going to do, argue?” With Celeste, there had been a lot of stony silences but few arguments. You had to be passionate about something to argue.

Olivia ignored his question. “Was it nice and quiet while we were gone?”

“Too quiet. Even though it’s been only a week, I’ve gotten used to you and Hannah being around,” he confessed. He’d almost been able to forget that she was a model.

“Well, don’t get too used to it. Because that’s what it’s going to be like after your mother takes Hannah away—silent and lonely.”

Here come the histrionics
. He knew she was trying to help, so he tempered his response. “I know you don’t believe it, but I’m not doing this for me. What kind of life will Hannah have with me? I know nothing about children. I’m an investment banker. My job demands long hours and frequent travel. Who am I supposed to leave her with? A neighbor? A nanny? How can I be sure they’ll look after her properly? At least with my mother, or my sister or brother, I know she’ll be well cared for and loved.”

It was exactly what he’d told himself for the past two days. No way was he going to be like Celeste and get rid of Hannah to make his life easier. But how could he keep her with him?

“I know you think it’s logical, Jonathan. But it’s not logic at stake here, it’s emotion. Do you know what kind of turmoil Hannah is going to go through—first being rejected by her own mother and then sent away by her father? It doesn’t matter what the motive is, or how reasonable the solution. She’ll see it only as abandonment. If you keep her, even if her life is difficult, she’ll know you love her enough to make sacrifices. Trust me, it will mean everything to her.” Olivia’s voice wobbled and she seemed on the verge of tears.

“Don’t you think I haven’t thought about it?” He searched her eyes. His chest tightened at the agony he saw there. Was it all for Hannah? Surely she knew him well enough by now to trust he’d do what was best for his daughter. Yes, he felt crappy about his decision. But it didn’t change the situation. And it sure as hell didn’t help to be judged and condemned by a woman who wore clothes for a living. What did she know about life’s difficulties?

She leaned forward and took his hands in hers. “I’ll help—until you come to some other arrangement. I can take a break from modeling for a couple months, maybe longer. Or make sure my assignments are when you’re home with Hannah. Don’t make a decision just yet, Jonathan. Give her a few months at least. Hannah deserves a father. Don’t take that away from her.”

He sat there, stunned. She was willing to put her life, her career on hold for his daughter. How could he bear to do less?

“Why, Olivia? You’ve known me for nine days and Hannah for a week. Why are you willing to do this for a child you’re not even related to?”

She took a deep breath and then shuddered. “Because I was Hannah—I was unwanted, unloved, and eventually abandoned. And I promised myself that if I
ever
came across a child in that position, I would move heaven and earth to make sure he or she didn’t suffer as I did.” A sob broke from her throat and she pulled her hands out of his to wipe the tears that were coursing down her cheeks. “Do you have any idea how it feels to know your parent wishes you were never born?”

He stood and coaxed Olivia into his arms, holding her as sobs wracked her body. The pressure in his chest increased. This was real emotion. Not the trumped-up tears Celeste used to trot out when she didn’t get her way. He didn’t know what to do, except hold her until she stopped.