An Inconvenient Trilogy (11 page)

“I don’t understand,” Elizabeth said confused. “You must like me, why are you now telling me it’s wrong?”

“I want you to be a fully accepted member of society. I want people to like you. I want you to have a match that will not cause you to suffer any gossip or scandal,” Michael said roughly. I have madness in my family and I do not want you to see me turn into a shell of the man I am, his mind screamed, but he did not utter the words.

“I’m not sure I completely understand,” Elizabeth said slowly. She paused before continuing, “You speak as if you feel I can not fit into society. What are you really trying to say Michael?”

“I do not think that, but with what has happened in the past and the way you disregard the rules, people are more inclined to be critical. If they see anything occurring between the two of us, you will be even more of a subject of ridicule,” Michael said, not really being able to say that it was because he wanted to protect her, that he wanted her life to be perfect.

Elizabeth stood away from the wall, her cheeks now flushed with anger rather than exertion. “You think I’m an object of ridicule?” She asked quietly.

“No! I didn’t mean that to sound the way it did. You are mistaking the meaning of my words,” Michael said defensively.

“You are wrong; I completely take your meaning. Unless I am the perfect member of society, you cannot deal with me. You want me to be the quiet, simpering Miss that you have often said you despise. No, don’t try and lie at this point,” Elizabeth raised her hand to stop Michael interrupting. “I am sorry I did not realise the truth earlier. I’ve said consistently that Society did not interest me, but you insisted I stay. So, I made mistakes that, yes, attracted ridicule, but I would argue it said more about Society than it did about me. The next thing you wanted was for me to get a husband, again so I would become respectable. I never wanted to marry, I wanted to be left alone on my estate, but you want me to be respectable even if that means I am not happy. Why can’t you accept me for who I am Michael? Why do I repulse you by being me?”    

“You are being ridiculous,” Michael snapped. “You do not repulse me. Have you forgotten what just happened?”

“No, I don’t think I will ever forget,” Elizabeth said, breathing deeply, she could not let the thoughts of his touch cloud her mind. “It doesn’t alter the fact that you don’t want me do you? You may want me physically, but you don’t want
me
,” she said pointing to her chest. “I thought you were the best of everyone I knew; when in reality you are shallower than the lot of them.”

“Don’t be foolish,” Michael snapped. “I want what’s best for you.”

“No, you want what you think is best for me,” Elizabeth said quietly. “It’s a pity you haven’t listened to anything I’ve ever told you.”

She turned away from him and walked across the field. She wanted to get away as fast as she could because she could not hold back the tears of frustration and anger any longer. She did not understand his need for her to be accepted, it was as if he could not bear the person she was. The sobs grew louder the further away she got. He was not happy with her, yet she could still feel the bruises on her lips where he had kissed her, and the feeling on her skin where his hands had been. She did not know how she could ever face him again.

Chapter 12

Michael approached the house with determination. He had said and done everything wrong yesterday. When he had finally returned to the house, Elizabeth had made an excuse that prevented them having their evening meal together as they had done since their arrival. He could not criticise her for it, he had not felt very sociable either. After a night’s disturbed sleep he had resolved that he had to sort things out between them.

Smithson led Michael to the study where Elizabeth was poring through her account books. She raised her head slightly when Michael walked in and flushed a little, but greeted him with a smile and a nod. “Michael.” she said quietly.

“Elizabeth, we need to clear things between us.” Michael said, approaching the desk.

“I think you made everything perfectly clear yesterday. I see no point in going over it again.” Elizabeth said quietly, but firmly. She met his gaze, but there was none of the usual warmth that normally greeted him.

Michael felt physical pain at the loss of the sparkle in her eyes; he had hurt her and had to rectify it somehow. “I didn’t say anything right yesterday. Please hear me now.”

Elizabeth sat back and nodded her reluctant agreement. Michael sat in the chair across the desk from her and took a moment to gather his thoughts.

“You were right, the problem is with me and not you,” he began. “It’s no excuse, but I have always felt under pressure to be perfect. In some respects we are very similar,” Michael smiled at Elizabeth’s sceptical look. “We both do not easily fit into what is considered normal.”

“That isn’t the impression you give now,” Elizabeth said.

“I agree and I can’t really explain why. Our deepest secrets and fears are the hardest to get rid of aren’t they? I have used the excuse about being your guardian to keep you at a distance. There are far more valid reasons why I should have never encouraged anything other than was purely formal between the two of us.”

“Go on,” Elizabeth encouraged, finally allowing herself to take his words seriously, rather than a poor attempt at an excuse that she had thought was forthcoming at the start.

“I cannot tell you the whole story, it would affect more than just me,” he tried to explain. “I think that some of the older members of society know my secret and I’m sure are waiting to see history repeating itself. I’ve had too many comments aimed at me, to be in any real doubt. I have been determined that anyone in my care would not suffer because of their connection to me.”

“I don’t understand,” Elizabeth said. “Are you legitimate?”

“Yes, more’s the pity,” he said bitterly. “Believe me Elizabeth, I want what is best for you, but heed what I am saying. I would hate to see you hurt and you would be, by having anything more than the present association you have with me. I promise that I can guarantee it happening.”

“Why did you persuade me to stay when we met, if now you want me to be always at a distance from you?” Elizabeth asked. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“I know.” Michael acknowledged. “The way you bounded in that day was completely different from dealing with anyone I had met before. Then you told me a little about yourself and it struck a chord with me. Perhaps it was the disappointment your father had felt at you not being a boy, or the way Miranda had treated you, I don’t know. I just wanted you to have a good experience, as every young girl should.”

“So you felt sorry for me!” Elizabeth responded angrily.

“No! I didn’t and I never have, but I responded to you, which is something totally different. I can’t explain it more than that, but it wasn’t pity.” Michael said quickly.

“And yet by staying I was an object of ridicule.” Elizabeth said matter of fact.

“Yes, didn’t I misjudge it?” Michael laughed a bitter laugh. “The person I would want to hurt the least in the world, and instead she got hurt the most. If I could have seen what happened, I never would have persuaded you to stay.”

“I survived.” Elizabeth said with a shrug. “Michael, unless I am reading too much into your words, I am under the impression that you do have feelings for me.” She was tired of not knowing where she stood; it was time to take action.  

“I do, but I am not going to do anything about them.” Michael said.

“Why not?” Elizabeth whispered, stunned. She did not know which affected her the most, the fact that he had admitted to his feelings, or that he refused to act on them.

“As mistaken as I may be, I am not going to put you at risk of being hurt more than you have already. You were right, I did not listen to you initially and I should have, but I want you to be accepted for who you are. I am your guardian and I will not be anything else to you apart from being a friend, if you will have me.” Michael said firmly.

“Do I not have a say in my future?” Elizabeth asked, again annoyed that she had so little control over her life.

“In this, I’m afraid not.” Michael responded gently.

Elizabeth looked at the man who sat before her. She loved him with all of her heart, but she would not beg for his affection. She sighed, “I will value you as a friend, if that is all you will allow yourself to be.”

Michael felt a huge surge of relief. It had been a possibility that he would have been asked to leave by Elizabeth, she was fiery enough to do it. The feelings that had pulsed through his body when she had agreed to them being friends had made him pause. For a moment he had wondered if he had made a mistake, but he had to stick with what was right for her, rather than what he wanted. He was relieved he had not been forced to speak about his father. He had arrived with the intention that he would tell her the truth, but when sat before her, he could not. He could not face her if she pitied him, just as much as she had not wanted his pity. So once again, he had not explained, but as always Elizabeth had not acted the way any other female would have done. She respected his wishes when he had said that he could not tell her, and had not pushed him.

It took a few days for Elizabeth and Michael to settle into their new relationship. If anyone had asked Charles or Miss Fairfield of their opinions of the situation, they would have received a shake of the head in despair. Each seeing what certainly Michael and to some extent Elizabeth did not seem to be able to see, that they were made for each other, and would be incomplete by not being a pair.

*

Michael fell into the routine of arriving with Charles in the morning; he no longer made the effort to arrive early. His justification to himself was that they could start work straight away, rather than waiting for Charles. The reality was though, that although he wanted to be with Elizabeth every moment, he did not want to put temptation in his way again. He was not sure he would have the strength to stop himself if he was alone with her. The memory of her kisses and the longing for them to be repeated would always be a struggle to resist when he was alone with her, no matter what decisions he had made.

Smithson, the ever reliable butler opened the door to them every morning with the same calm expression. Although he had been employed by Charles to continue serving the house, he had very quickly fallen under Elizabeth’s spell, and any outsider would have thought that he had served her all her life.

“Good morning Smithson, is Miss Rufford in the library?” Michael asked while handing his hat and gloves to the butler.

“No my Lord, she is speaking to visitors in the drawing room,” Smithson replied.

Michael noticed the setting of the butler’s lips into a disapproving line, and wondered who Elizabeth knew that could generate such a response on a first visit. “Charles, wait for us in the library. I shall go directly to the drawing room. No need to announce me, Smithson.”

Michael walked along the hallway towards the drawing room listening to the sounds of voices as he approached, trying to see if he recognised the early visitors. Two strange voices were clearly heard and he paused at the tone of the three voices inside.

“The estate was profitable when I left it cousin. It cannot have gone into debt in such a short time. I have only been gone a matter of months!” Elizabeth sounded disbelieving but firm.

“I believe you may have been misled by the staff, Elizabeth. It has been poorly run for many years and we need more funds to make it profitable. You have to take part of the responsibility as it happened while you were supposed to be managing it. We would not wish the family reputation to suffer because of bad management,” a female voice counter-argued.

Michael thought it appropriate to make his presence known and with one of his best bored expressions set firmly on his face he entered the room and approached Elizabeth. “Miss Rufford,” he said as he bowed over her hands.

“Lord Dunham you are very welcome. My cousin and his wife have arrived unexpectedly this morning. I am afraid our meeting will have to be delayed.” Elizabeth moved to introduce the two visitors to Michael, her expression betraying some of the tension she was feeling. “Lord Dunham, allow me to introduce my cousin Herbert Rufford and his wife, Miranda Rufford.”

Michael coolly looked over the two before him. Herbert looked nervously at his wife as if assessing how he should react to Michael. He appeared to be firmly under his wife’s instruction. He was a short man who carried more weight than was healthy. There was no family resemblance between him and Elizabeth. The clothes he wore fitted him tightly, but were of a good cut. The gentleman obviously did not commission poor quality clothing.

The wife Michael was very keen to look at, because of Elizabeth’s previous description of her. She was a beautiful woman, he could not deny that from a quick glance, but a closer look showed more of her character than she probably would have wished to be revealed. Her mouth was pinched and her eyes were hard and assessing. Her attire was fussy, frills and lace in abundance over her clothing. Michael wondered if Elizabeth had taken her inspiration from Miranda in the clothes she had worn when they had first met.

The way Miranda held her body she almost looked ready to pounce. Elizabeth had accurately assessed her when she described her as feline. It soon became obvious that Miranda was to look to Michael as an ally in whatever scheme she had as she greeted him with a wide smile, but it did not reach her eyes, which remained cold and calculating.

“Ah, Lord Dunham, so nice to meet you. I must apologise for the appearance of my cousin, I did try to guide her on her clothing taste when she lived on our property. Unfortunately, she has continued to insist on wearing breeches when in the country, I see. Most improper.”

Michael had seen Elizabeth stiffen at Miranda’s words and hid a smile. “I see practical dress. I do not concern myself with my ward’s choice of clothing, Mrs. Rufford. I feel my role as guardian does not extend to fashion advice. I may suggest something as grotesque as purple and orange.”

Elizabeth struggled to contain her laughter, her eyes danced with amusement at Michael. “Purple and orange? Perish the thought!” She said giving an over-dramatic shudder.

“Quite so,” Michael replied smoothly. “I interrupted your conversation when I entered. Please continue.”

“My cousin has accused me of running my father’s estate at a loss and hiding the fact from him,” Elizabeth informed Michael, all the previous laughter dying from her eyes and her cheeks flushing with indignation.

“I did not!” Herbert spluttered.  “I merely said that the estate had been run down and you had not been told the full story by the staff. I would not accuse of you of hiding the fact from me. You were fooled by the staff, no surprise really, having a woman in charge.”

“I see,” Michael said before Elizabeth had time to retort. “And you came to your cousin’s home to tell her this? You wanted to see her? To admonish her?”

Miranda intervened with a smile that Michael was beginning to dislike more and more, even on such a short acquaintance. “Of course not, but we thought that as Elizabeth loved the place so much, it was an opportunity for her to invest in the estate and help us to make a profit.”

“Ah, so you didn’t want to see Elizabeth, you just want her money,” Michael said without any hint of malice, but Elizabeth looked at him warily. She sensed danger under his words.

Miranda obviously did not sense anything to be worried about. “I think you would agree that it could be considered as family money and as we are her closest family, she should consider investing in the existing estate, rather than invest in a new one. It is foolish to take on another estate, when her own family one is in dire need.”

“But if what you say is true, why should she invest in an estate that is not profitable? That does not appear to make sound business sense, I’m sure you would agree?” Michael asked reasonably.

“If she had been more aware of what was really going on we would not be facing this current crisis, so in effect she is obligated to help. She assured Herbert that she knew what she was doing and that the estate was safe with her, when in reality it was anything but.” Miranda responded with feeling.

“That estate was running at a profit!” Elizabeth snapped. “I can prove it! Just send to Mr Lawson and he can easily produce the books with all the expenditure and income in. We went over them weekly, together. There was no chance that the estate could have been making a loss without my knowledge.”

“Ah, well, you see we’ve had to let Lawson go,” Herbert muttered, going very red in the face and not meeting Elizabeth’s gaze.