An Inconvenient Trilogy (18 page)

“This will be a fine estate and I can see what you have been able to achieve already.” he said as Elizabeth pointed out the work she had mentioned earlier.

“Thank you, I hope so. I would so hate to fail.” Elizabeth replied.

“You have run an estate before, why do you doubt yourself now?” Michael asked gently. Elizabeth’s words mirroring those mentioned by Mr Lawson.

“I have made some errors of judgement since Papa died; I suppose I have learned the hard lesson that I am not as infallible as I thought.” she replied quietly.

“What an admission from the great Miss Rufford!” Michael teased, but wondered what had made her so lacking in confidence, he hoped she was not regretting refusing Lord Halkyn, but he did not feel confident enough to raise the subject at the moment.

Elizabeth laughed, “Yes, who would have thought everything could change so much in so short a time? When I came to you initially I had such fixed ideas, I had imagined myself to be in control of everything.”

“And is that  no longer the case?” Michael asked gently.

Elizabeth stopped her horse and looked at Michael. “No, it is no longer the case. I don’t think I was ever in control of anything when I look back, I just thought I was. Could we return to the house please?”

Michael turned back immediately. Some colour had returned to Elizabeth’s cheeks, but he did not wish to push matters too much on her first day on the road to recovery. Whatever happened, he was determined to stay with her until she was more like her old self.

Elizabeth returned to her room after the ride. It was almost like torture having him so near and knowing that he was concerned about her. She did not want his concern, she wanted his love, but he had never mentioned anything remotely near a declaration of feeling. She had to accept that he saw her as nothing but his ward and a responsibility.

The evening meal started quietly, with only the two of them, Charles had remained at the inn and Miss Fairfield had begged to be excused. Neither had objected, both taking their own pleasure in the other’s company. Even the lulls in conversation were a comfortable silence. When the staff left them alone with dessert, Michael had to try and find out if Elizabeth was regretting her decision to move away from London.

“Is there much entertainment around here? We weren’t here long enough last time to find out what the society was like.” he started.

“I’m not sure, I have kept myself to myself really,” Elizabeth replied. “I really could not face the thought of card parties and morning calls just yet.”

“Your neighbours will be curious to see the new lady in the neighbourhood; you should not spoil their opportunities for gossip.”

“I’m sure once they see me in my breeches they will have gossip enough.” Elizabeth smiled with her impish grin and Michael sighed. He had missed her so much.

“I’m sure once they see the changes in the estate; they will overlook your breeches.”

“The men might, but it will be remarked on by the ladies. On such matters ladies always have the more forceful opinions.” Elizabeth responded with authority.

“I shall bow to your better judgement,” Michael teased. “Have you heard from anyone in London?” He had to ask, the questions were gnawing at him.

“Apart from Violet, no,” Elizabeth said. “I’m surprised you would think that I would have.”

“I had thought you were glad to leave London, you certainly gave the impression you wanted to leave, but it was something that Lawson said that made me wonder.” Michael persisted.

Elizabeth stood, “Shall we go to the drawing room? There is no reason why you could not have some brandy or port in my company. It seems pointless to have you remaining here alone.”

Michael nodded his agreement and followed Elizabeth through. They did not speak while Smithson distributed the drinks, but once he had left them alone, Michael raised his question again. “I may not like the answer, but I need to know why Lawson said that you had told him your time in London was the happiest of your life.”

Elizabeth sighed and put her cup down. “I don’t think you will like the answer. It would be best if it remained unsaid.”

Michael gritted his teeth. “Come Elizabeth, we have always been honest with each other, tell me. Why you are still so attached to London when you had us all believing that you disliked it?”

Elizabeth started pacing the room. “I did not like it, there was so much to dislike, the falseness, the shallowness of society, but through it all there was one constant, one thing that made it all worthwhile. I didn’t realise how much I would miss that until I had left, so in a way, yes, it was the happiest time of my life.”

“What was it, or should I say who was it?” Michael asked, the feeling in his stomach as if a lead block had been left there.

“Who was it? Do you really have to ask? Can you not guess? Please don’t make me say it, leave me with some dignity intact,” Elizabeth pleaded. She had turned away slightly in an effort to hide her burning cheeks. She could not be honest with him. He had made his feelings clear on more than one occasion. It was cruel that she was being asked to declare hers.

Michael sighed, “You want to marry Lord Halkyn after all.”

“Lord Halkyn? Why on earth would you think I want to marry him?” Elizabeth spun round to face Michael, his words finally bringing a halt to her pacing.

“I know he proposed.” Michael said quietly.

“I refused him!” Elizabeth exclaimed.

“You have had time to regret that decision though.”

“Why would I regret refusing Lord Halkyn? I never wanted to marry him! I love you!” Elizabeth said, tears rolling down her face at the frustration of the situation.

“You love me?” Michael asked in disbelief.

“Yes, it’s you that I have missed, you that I looked for every day, you that made every event special, you that made it the happiest time of my life, but it’s you that I needed to get away from.” Elizabeth said, ignoring the tears.

“Why would you need to get away from me?” Michael had stood and held Elizabeth at arm’s length, studying her face, trying to comprehend what she was saying to him.

“It was clear that you don’t feel the same towards me, and you told me that as your ward you felt responsible for me. Although you’ve mentioned there are other reasons, those were not the words of a man in love. If you truly wanted me, there would be no obstacles that we could not overcome.” Elizabeth sighed. “I had to escape, but you have been haunting my every moment. I do not wish to distress you, but I need you to leave. I have to learn to live without you.”

“Elizabeth, oh Elizabeth, my foolish girl,” Michael said gently. “I did feel responsible for you, I wanted to give you the opportunity to make the decision which was best for you, while I stood by and watched you being courted by men that I wanted to kill. I had considered Halkyn a friend until he started to dance attendance on you.”

“But you did not say anything!” Elizabeth said, wiping the tears away. Her mind was racing; Michael had not run from the room when she had declared her feelings. Perhaps he felt something. She dared not hope, but no matter how she tried to suppress it, there was a little flutter of hope in her chest.

“I could not influence you, it was not fair, but when I saw you in Hyde Park with Halkyn I thought you had accepted him. He seemed too friendly to have just received a refusal from you.”

“I had refused him, he wished me well.”

“My foolish mistake then,” Michael said, “perhaps I was imagining how I would react if I had asked you to marry me and you had refused.”

Elizabeth looked at him in wonder, “Would you be upset?”

“Yes, but you don’t understand, there are reasons, no, there is a reason that I can’t and won’t declare my feelings,” Michael insisted. “But I’ve been wrong, you deserve an explanation. Be warned, you will most certainly want me to leave and never to return when you hear my secret.”

Chapter 21

Elizabeth sat and took a steadying breath. When the evening had started, she had certainly not for one moment thought that by the end of it she would have confessed her feelings to Michael. She must be in a truly weakened state if she had resorted to such desperate measures.

She had taken a huge risk by speaking about her feelings in such a way, it just was not done by any respectable lady. Michael had not seemed shocked; he had not reacted by leaving her, which she would have deserved if he had. He had stayed and was going to explain his feelings, hopefully, offering some clarification of the confusing signals he had been giving her these last few months.

She should feel shame at being so forward. If anyone found out that she had declared herself, she would certainly be cast out from civilised society, connections to a Lord or not. This went above and beyond the slightly eccentric behaviour of wearing breeches while working the land. Michael had of course taken it in his stride, just has he had everything else she had faced him with, which only helped to increase her affection.

Michael had turned away from Elizabeth and rested his arm on the mantelpiece. After the incident with George he had been convinced they could work everything out with regards to his family history and he had been determined to declare himself to her. Only the reminder that Lord Halkyn was vying for her attention had made him pause. Of course once he had the time to reflect, the reality of his situation had sunk in. He could never ask her to marry him; he was not the man she thought he was. Her words had stunned him. To hear her voice her feelings, was something totally different to just skirting around the subject. She deserved to know the truth.

He took a deep breath and turned to face her. “I care about you more than I care for any other woman, Elizabeth,” he started, but sighed when he saw her eyes light up with hope. “Before you think you will get the ending I think you want, you’d better wait until I’ve finished what I’ve got to say.”

“I’m listening.” Elizabeth said, her eyes not straying from his.

“I did feel responsible for you as my ward,” Michael said, but then lifted up his hand to stop Elizabeth from speaking. “If you are going to insist on commenting on everything I say, it is going to be a long night.”

Elizabeth flushed a little, “I shall try to sit and listen. Pray continue.”

Michael smiled slightly; she never promised what she knew she could not deliver. “As I was saying, I did feel responsible for you, but that did not stop my feelings developing. If a guardian and ward marry, there is always some scandal, and I truly did not want to put you through anything that would upset you.”

Elizabeth snorted in disgust, “As if I would let a bit of gossip stand in the way of my happiness!” She saw the look on Michael’s face and smiled, looking bashful, “Sorry, I will be quiet.”

“Somehow, I’m struggling to believe you,” Michael said, raising his eyes to the heavens, as if looking for strength. “Anyway, I did not set out to feel the way I did; I didn’t want anything to do with the guardianship.”

“I know, you made that perfectly clear.” Elizabeth muttered quietly.

“I can hear you,” Michael retorted, but he had given up trying to get her to be quiet. “It very soon became apparent that you were completely different to what I had expected. I went from not wanting anything to do with the guardianship, to wanting you to always be around. I should have sent you away as soon as I knew you were a danger to my well-ordered life. I fought my feelings, but I couldn’t resist you.”

“You didn’t give that me that impression.” Elizabeth said, thinking over the last few months and the times she had felt rejected by him.

Michael knelt before her, taking her hands in his. “Could you not see you were driving me insane? Every time I received another proposal for your hand I wanted to call the man out and make sure he never came within ten miles of you again. It was a torture, being near you, wanting you and knowing I could never have you.”

Elizabeth squeezed his hands and leant towards him. “I wish you had told me. No one could compare to you in my eyes. Neither of us would have suffered because of the gossip. We have enough disregard for society for their tittle-tattle to not affect us.”

Michael stood again, putting vital distance between them. He could only think clearly when she was not so close. “If it was just that, we would have been together a long time ago. When Miranda and George tried to ruin you, that was the worst day of my life. I selfishly decided that it didn’t matter what the future held, we had to be together. I was going to declare myself to you.”

“What prevented you?” Elizabeth asked. Her mind was swirling. If only she had known, surely there would have been something she could have done.

“Reality returned and reminded me that I had no right to put you through that future.” Michael responded dully. He did not mention Halkyn, he was an unnecessary part of the conversation now.

“Michael, I really don’t know what you are referring to.” Elizabeth said confused.

Michael sighed. “I am not the man you thought I was. In time, I have no idea when, I will go mad.”

“I will go mad too, if you don’t stop talking in riddles,” Elizabeth said, a little exasperated.

“Elizabeth, my father was mad. He had something wrong with his mind. I cannot guarantee that at some time in the future it will not develop in me, and I will need to have constant care, for my own safety.”

Elizabeth had flushed when she realised that Michael had been serious about the madness and not just using it as a turn of phrase. She paused and let his words sink in before speaking. “What type of madness was it?” she asked.

“I don’t know, no one ever spoke about it. He spent most of his time in the country, that prevented him from being sent away to an asylum, but towards the end it was very difficult. His behaviour became more erratic. We tried to maintain an air of respectability, tried to gloss over what was really happening. The reality was we had to employ a team of people in order to try and keep him and everyone around him safe.”

“You poor thing, what a strain it must have put on you all.” Elizabeth responded compassionately.

Michael smiled, “I didn’t really suffer because of it. I think Uncle Michael, the then Lord Dunham supported my mother financially to enable her to provide the best care. He certainly looked after his brother until the end. I was loved by my mother and Violet, they made sure I grew up in a loving, secure environment. When I was younger, it didn’t really affect me, it was only with age that the reality sank in. The implications of his illness were reinforced by the deterioration of his condition.”

“I’m glad your mother and Violet were able to shield you from some of it while you were young.” Elizabeth said firmly, feeling protective of the young Michael.

“The past is irrelevant now, though I fear that I have a bleak future to look forward to.” Michael said seriously.

“Have you been told you have the same illness?” Elizabeth asked; concerned for the man she loved.

“No, but I’m sure you know as well as I do, that it can reappear through the generations in families. I have certainly seen it enough times for it to be too much of a coincidence. Any decisions I make for my future, I have to do so with the knowledge that it is very likely that I will suffer the same illness as my father.”

“But Violet is fine, and she is older than you!” Elizabeth insisted, not wanting to believe that her perfect man could potentially suffer such a horrific future.

“She is, for now. Perhaps it just manifests itself down the male line, I don’t know. As I said, no one spoke about it, but I cannot, I will not enter into anything that will put you at risk.” Michael said with determination. “I was reacting to my selfish feelings when I thought that it could work. It can’t.”

“Do I not get a choice in this?” Elizabeth asked tartly.

“No.” came the unyielding response.

Elizabeth sat and thought for a few moments to gather her thoughts. He truly believed that he was going to suffer the same fate that his father had. She was not sure that she could argue against such set ideas, but she was going to try. “Michael, I’m sure you will argue against me, but we take risks with everything we do in life. I’ve taken a huge risk taking on this estate and trying to make it work.”

“It is slightly different when there is a chance of success or failure, when the risks are worth taking. In this instance, I know it isn’t a risk, it’s a certainty.”

“You don’t know that for sure,” Elizabeth insisted. “Michael we could have met and become engaged and I may have become ill, and you would have stood by me. Why would you think I would be any different?”

“I don’t,” Michael said, with a slight smile. “In fact, I’m sure you wouldn’t, but don’t you see that’s the point? I don’t want to put you through what I can only imagine my mother went through.”

“She must have been happy to some extent, or you wouldn’t have the happy memories of childhood.” Elizabeth countered.

“Yes, but she didn’t have the full life she should have had. I don’t want you to settle for second best Elizabeth. You are the most vibrant person I know, I will not be responsible for stifling that spirit.”

Elizabeth stood up, and walked over to where Michael was standing. She put her hands on his chest, for the second time that evening she was being forward. “Any time with you would be enough to make me happy for the rest of my life. I could die in childbirth, but I would take that risk to have whatever time I could with you, that is how much I want to be with you,” she said quietly.

Michael closed his eyes, almost in physical pain. He moved his hands to cover hers and for a moment he pressed them into his chest, as if he could force them through the material. He eventually looked at her, at the same time as removing her hands. “I could never inflict on my children the fear that I have about my future. If I agreed to being foolish and risking our future I could never agree to risk theirs, and if we were together, there would be children. I’m sorry Elizabeth, I can’t do it. I am selfish enough to want a full life and if I can’t have that, then half a life is not good enough.”

Tears sprang into Elizabeth’s eyes, not because he was refusing to be with her, but at the thought that she would never have his children. “I disagree with you, but I realise your mind is set and for me to try and beg for affection is something I will never do.”

Michael was reminded of how time and time again Elizabeth had been rejected and cursed his heritage. “Elizabeth, you may not believe the strength of my feelings, but maybe one day you will. All I can say is that from the bottom of my heart I wish that I could be the man you deserve, and give you the life that would make you truly happy. You are the only woman that could make me want to marry, but I realise that is little consolation. If you do not wish to see me again I will understand.”

Elizabeth looked at him; she did believe him, but was not ready to give up the fight quite yet. She would not continue tonight, his mind was made up, but she was sure with time she would think of a way to overcome his stubbornness. She had to take her time and think everything through. She understood his concerns and fears, but thought that he was placing too much conviction on the illness being passed down. For now she would respect that.

“I do want to see you again. I am offended that you would think me so fickle!” she said with mock anger.

“I do not believe you are fickle at all, but I could understand it if, after what I’ve said and done, you had had enough.” Michael said with a rueful smile.

“I think we’ve both had enough for tonight. I’m feeling tired and there is still plenty of work to do. Should I expect you early in the morning for a horse ride, before the real work starts?”

Michael took her hand and kissed it. “If you promise to eat well and not work too hard, I shall see you in the morning.” He smiled at her as he left the room, leaving Elizabeth to ponder over the evening’s events.