An Indian Affair (13 page)

“Are you all right?” he asked, helping her up. “I didn’t mean it, Cindy. You’re such a flyweight that you just took off like a shot.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” she demanded, slapping his hands away, almost crying. “Why are you treating me like this? At the beginning you wanted me so badly. Now when I so much as touch you, you throw me off as if I were repulsive to you. Don’t you want me anymore?”

He closed his eyes. “I want you,” he replied quietly. “Now more than ever. If you only knew how much.”

“Then what is it? What has changed? You wanted to take me to bed on our first date.”

“That was before I realized that you were...” He stopped, but not soon enough.

“A virgin,” she finished for him. “That’s it, isn’t it, Drew? You don’t want to make love to me now because you know you’d be the first.”

His silence was her answer.
 

“How did you know?” she asked quietly.
 

“I knew at the lake,” he replied. “I sensed you weren’t afraid of me, but of the experience. And a girl like you gives herself, not sex.”
 

“I want to give myself to you.”
 

“Don’t say that,” he said, clenching his fists. “This is all wrong, we are all wrong, can’t you see that? Wasn’t your encounter with Evan tonight enough to convince you of that? He’s my blood, Cindy, my family. That’s what my life is like. You’re too fine to be mixed up with somebody like me. Go back to Pennsylvania and marry some professor who’ll read books and wear cardigans and understand those papers that you write.”

“I don’t want a professor. I want you. Now. Tonight.”

He shook his head. “I can’t take that responsibility.”

“What responsibility?”

He met her eyes. “It would mean too much to you,” he said quietly.

“And nothing to you?” she asked, her voice barely audible.

“I didn’t say that!” he flashed angrily. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Then spit it out, Fox,” she replied. “Tell me what you mean.”

“I mean that we’ve come to the end of the road,” he stated flatly. “I can’t give you what you want. That’s it.”

“No, it’s not. If you won’t say it, I’ll do it for you. You see in our relationship a similarity to that of your parents, which ended so badly. I know I’m nothing like your mother; Eli told me that. But I’m shankree, an outsider, an ‘other’. That’s what it means, right?”

“We’re too incompatible for something lasting, Cindy. Even you must see that.”

“I don’t see it, but even if I did, couldn’t we go back as we were?” she asked, like a child crying for the return of childish dreams. “I was so happy being with you, and I know you were happy too.”

He looked down and sighed. “How long do you think that would last? I want you too much to keep my distance; it’s taken all my willpower to stay away this long. We’d soon be faced with the same problem.” He met her gaze and smiled sadly. “Give it up, princess. Someday your prince will come but he won’t be me.”

Cindy blinked back the hot tears that threatened to spill onto her cheeks. “Then there’s nothing more to say,” she stated quietly. “I think I’d like to go home now.”

He followed her to the door, and there was no conversation during the trip to his car. He drove to Paula’s house in silence, while Cindy struggled to regain her composure. She wanted to break down and bawl like a four-year-old, but she wouldn’t, she would not, do it in front of him.

When he got out to walk her upstairs she stopped him.

“That won’t be necessary,” she said crisply. “I’m capable of getting to the door on my own.”

“You’re not going to do that as long as you’re with me,” he answered readily, taking her arm. “Creeps lurk in these hallways, don’t you know that? I’ll see you to the door and that’s final.”

She had only been seeking to shorten the agony, but went along without protest, her strength waning. When he bent to kiss her good night outside the apartment, she turned her head, unable to bear it.

“One kiss,” he said huskily. “Don’t be mean, princess. I know I don’t deserve generosity, but give me something to remember.”

When she closed her eyes to accept his mouth, a tear slipped from her lashes and onto her face. He kissed it first, and then her lips, so tenderly that it was like the first time.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered. “I’m not worth it. Someday you’ll realize that this was all for the best. Goodbye, my princess.”

He moved back from her, and when she opened her eyes again he was gone.

Chapter 7

A week went by, and the time of Cindy’s departure from Florida was approaching. Her work was almost done, and she had to get back to Pennsylvania to teach an undergraduate intercession course at the end of the month. In truth she was glad to be leaving; memories of Fox assaulted her everywhere, and it would be good to return to places where he had never been.

She told Paula what had happened because Fox would have been conspicuous by his absence. To Cindy’s everlasting gratitude, and Paula’s credit, the latter kept her mouth shut.

Cindy took advantage of a welcome distraction in the person of her thesis advisor, Richard Caldwell. He was in the area to do his own research and called Cindy, who had left Paula’s number at the department office. They arranged to get together for dinner; Richard was always full of campus gossip, and Cindy looked forward to a few hours away from her paper and thoughts of her abandoned relationship with Fox. She suggested the restaurant in Council Rock where she had gone with Paula on the day of her arrival. It was pleasant and not too expensive. As she dressed to meet Richard she wondered why she couldn’t have fallen in love with someone like him, staid and solid and responsible. But although she liked Richard, there was no magic with him and never had been. He was a friend, and that was all.

When she entered the restaurant she saw that he was already seated. He stood and waved to her, and the hostess showed her to his table.

“Well, hello,” he greeted her, pulling out her chair. “How’s life among the natives?”

I could tell you a few things about the natives, Cindy thought. Aloud she said, “Fine. The work’s been going great and I’m almost finished. How about yours?”

Richard needed no more encouragement to regale her with the details of his project, and as he talked Cindy studied his neat brown hair, his neat tortoiseshell glasses, and his neat button-down shirt. He looked the picture of exactly what he was: an amiable career academic whose intellectual curiosity was the ruling passion of his life. He was the polar opposite of Andrew Fox, and yet attractive in his own way. She knew several women at the university who were interested in more than his credentials.

“So I should have the bibliography ready in about two weeks,” Richard was saying.

“That’s wonderful,” Cindy responded. “It sounds like you haven’t been idle. So tell me, what’s been going on at Penn?”

During drinks and dinner Richard went on about various people they both knew, in particular their department head, who had been giving him trouble. Campus politics was a labyrinth Cindy usually sought to avoid, but on this occasion she drew him out, eager to lose herself in the lives of others. They had just ordered dessert when she looked up to see Fox and a young woman being seated on the other side of the room.

Richard’s voice seemed to be coming from a distance. Cindy masked her reaction by taking a long sip of water, and then said, “Richard, I think I’ve changed my mind. I’m kind of full and I’d rather not stay for dessert. Would you mind if we left now?”

Richard, understandably confused, nevertheless agreed. He called the waitress back and rescinded their order, asking for the check instead. Cindy made a quick exit and parted company with Richard in the parking lot, where she had left Paula’s car. Paula was on duty at the hospital and Cindy had to pick her up at seven that night.

Cindy was almost sick with jealousy. She had never cared enough about a man to experience the emotion before, and she was feeling the full force of its destructive effects as she drove back to Paula’s apartment. Fox’s female companion had been very pretty, a tall, statuesque brunette, and all the way home Cindy imagined him touching her, kissing her.

Stop it, she instructed herself severely as she unlocked the door. She was behaving childishly, and she knew it. These things happened to people all the time. Just because it had never happened to her before didn’t mean she had to fall apart like a teenager disappointed in a first crush.

She changed clothes and read the newspaper, killing time until she went for Paula. The hospital lot was crowded, and Cindy maneuvered the car to the emergency exit, where Paula was waiting. She had decided not to tell her friend about seeing Fox, but the words rushed out of her mouth as soon as Paula had closed the passenger door behind her.

“You just saw him?” Paula asked.

“About an hour ago. In the
Golden Door
down in Council Rock. He was with some girl.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Paula asked.

“Paula, I was so jealous that I disgusted myself. I saw him ordering a bottle of wine and I wanted to go over there and pour it over both their heads.”

Paula stared at her. “You? The woman who never returned a single social call from a man during our entire four years of college unless I dialed the phone first?”

“Me,” Cindy confirmed miserably.

Paula sighed. “You must be in love.”

Cindy stopped at a red light and bent her head over the wheel. “What am I going to do? He told me he didn’t want to see me anymore, but somehow that didn’t sink in with me. I’m still reacting as if he were my exclusive property, which he never was in the first place. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“Listen, Cindy. I haven’t told you this because I could tell that you didn’t want to discuss it, but maybe letting you go was the greatest compliment Fox could pay you.”

“What are you talking about?” Cindy asked, as the light changed and she drove ahead.

“Just this. He could have slept with you, used you for the time you were here, and then kissed you off when you left. He’s behaving honorably by his standards. Do you see that?”

“I guess so,” Cindy replied slowly. “I know he was doing what he thought was right. But it doesn’t help the pain much. Seeing him with somebody else went through me like a shot.”

“Welcome to the world of disenchanted lovers,” Paula said wryly. “See what you’ve been missing while hiding out in that ivory tower? It looks kind of safe up there from where you’re standing right now, doesn’t it?”

Cindy didn’t answer. She didn’t have to; they both knew that Paula was right.

* * * *

Paula had decided to give herself a home permanent and enlisted Cindy’s aid in rolling up her hair and applying the lotion. The smell of ammonia permeated the apartment as she sat in the bathroom waiting for the required time to elapse. Cindy was trying to watch television when her already shaky concentration was interrupted by an abrupt pounding on Paula
^’
s door.

“Who on earth is that?” Paula called from her seclusion.

“Should I get it?” Cindy asked doubtfully, as the noise continued.

“Maybe we should call security,” Paula suggested, as the outer door, which was unlocked, burst open suddenly. Fox barged through it, his expression agitated.

“Cindy? What’s going on?” Paula demanded, emerging from the bathroom with her hair mired in tiny pink curlers. End papers stuck out in all directions from this arrangement, which was held in place by a mesh scarf tied at the back of her neck.

“Good God,” Fox said, when this vision appeared. “What’s all that on your head? You look like you’re wired for sound.”

“Never mind,” Paula snapped. “What do you mean by banging on my door like that? I was about to call the police. Haven’t you heard of doorbells?”

“I want to talk to Cindy,” he replied flatly.

“And this is how you go about it? Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“It’s all right, Paula,” Cindy said. “I’ll see him.”

“Are you sure?” Paula asked suspiciously.

“I’m sure.”

She nodded. With a final outraged glance at Fox, Paula retired to the bathroom, slamming the door loudly.

“She’s crazy about me,” Fox said, deadpan, and Cindy suppressed a smile.

“You can hardly blame her,” Cindy said.

“You’re right about that. Since your arrival, our relationship, which wasn’t the best to begin with, has gone straight down the tubes.”

Cindy looked at him levelly. “Perhaps you’ll be good enough to tell me what all this is about?”

“You know what it’s about,” he answered tightly. “I saw you in the
Golden Door
tonight.”

‘‘Oh. I was hoping that you missed me.”

He nodded sourly. “I can understand why. You didn’t waste much time, did you?”

“I could say the same about you.”

“Who was that guy?” he demanded. “How do you know him?”

“You have no right to ask me these questions,” Cindy answered, turning away.

“I have every right,” he almost shouted, his eyes blazing.