And Baby Makes Two (13 page)

The baby started howling again.

“You see?” I said. “I told you.”

The nurse laughed. “I’ll just take her to the nursery. See if I can get her back to sleep.”

It was after she disappeared that I got really depressed. Everybody else was sleeping peacefully. Why shouldn’t they be? They all had homes with fathers to go back to. When they woke up in the morning their babies’ dads would all be there with fruit and messages from their friends and probably a stack of post.

I wished I’d asked Hilary to bring Mr Ted to the hospital. I could’ve told her it was for the baby. Mr Ted always slept with me, unless Les stayed the night. I really missed him. I sort of bunched up my pillow and pretended I was hugging a bald teddy bear with only one eye, but it wasn’t the same.

That’s when I started to cry. Just a little at first, but then I really started sobbing. All these thoughts were sort of rushing at my head. There were so many that I didn’t know what any of them were. Plus, I didn’t want to know. There was something really scary trying to ram itself through my brain. But I wasn’t going to let it in.

I tried to sing “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” in my head but I couldn’t. I stopped thinking about anything and just let myself cry.

The nurse came back with the baby, but when she saw the state I was in she took her back to the nursery. Then she brought me a cup of tea.

“Feeling better?” she asked as I sipped.

I nodded.

“Almost everybody gets a little blue after they’ve had a baby,” she told me. “It’s the hormones.”

“Really?” I snuffled into a tissue. “That’s all?”

She fluffed up my pillows.

“That’s all,” she said cheerfully. She straightened out my blankets. “Once you get home and settled with your baby you’ll be as right as rain.”

She was one of the older nurses. She was always nice and very calm.

“You think so?”

She took my cup.

“I know so.”

I decided to believe her.

Motherhood

Being at home after the hospital was worse than going back to school after the summer holidays; a big disappointment. The Spiggs gave me a couple of days to recover, but after that she made it pretty clear that she expected me to do everything myself.

“I’m not your private nurse, Lana,” she informed me. “The party’s over. Time to join the real world.”

I had no one to talk to like I did on the ward. I couldn’t talk to
her
and all my friends were still away. There was no one else around except Mrs Mugurdy. For the first time in my life I was relieved when August finally staggered to an end.

Shanee came over as soon as she got back from Ireland. She brought Shinola some socks, a T-shirt that said “I’m a Full-time Job”, and a rubber ducky. She didn’t bring anything for me.

“So how’s it going?” asked Shanee.

She was standing behind me, watching me change Shinola.

I dodged a small foot that was trying to put out my front teeth.

“It’s brilliant,” I said. “It really is what life is all about.” I pulled Shinola’s fist off the nappy tape and sealed her up. “I can’t believe there was ever a time when I didn’t have her.” Which was true in more ways than one; I could hardly go to the toilet without taking her with me.

Shinola went red and rigid at the same time.

“Maybe you did it up too tight,” Shanee suggested.

Since it was the first time I’d seen her since Shinola was born, I didn’t snap at her the way I would have snapped at Hilary Spiggs.

“It’s not too tight,” I said, watching the greeny-brown mess that was baby diarrhoea creep out on to her thighs. “She’s got the splatters.”

Shanee told me all about her holiday while I put another nappy on Shinola. I was too busy clucking and cooing over Shinola to really listen.

Shanee followed me into the kitchen when I went to feed Shinola.

She was still banging on about her holiday and some boy she met who took her for a ride on his motorcycle.

“Wow,” I said, juggling Shinola and clucking and cooing. “That sounds cool.”

“So,” said Shanee. “How’s Les?”

I couldn’t tell her I hadn’t seen Les yet – or even talked to him. I didn’t want her to start telling me she told me so or feeling sorry for me.

I swung Shinola so Shanee could get a full view of her. “You should’ve seen her when she was just born,” I said. “She looked like a frog.”

“She still looks a bit like a frog,” said Shanee.

When Gerri rang I told her that motherhood was brilliant, too.

“You’ve got to come over and see her,” I said. “She’s amazing.”

Gerri started going on about some boy she’d met at some party.

“It’s incredible how fast they grow,” I said. “I swear she changes every day.”

“I thought it was you who did the changing,” said Gerri.

Amie wanted to know about my figure. “Are you doing exercises?” she asked. “Is your stomach still floppy?”

“Wait till you see her,” I said. “Yesterday she smiled at me. I know everybody says it’s just gas, but she really smiled.”

“So what else have you been doing?” asked Amie.

“I’ve got to go, Amie. Shinola’s crying.”

“I’m back,” said Les. “I’m sorry I didn’t ring sooner. I’ve been busy.”

I was so relieved he’d phoned when the Spiggs wasn’t home that I didn’t even mind that it had taken him a week to get round to it.

“Me, too,” I said.

Les laughed. “What have you been doing, shopping?”

I laughed, too. “No,” I said. “I had the baby. Our baby.”

Les said, “What?”

“The baby,” I repeated. “I had it. That’s what happens after you’ve been pregnant for nine months,” I explained. “You give birth.”

“Geez,” said Les.

“It’s a girl,” I said, since he didn’t ask. “I called her Shinola.”

“Shinola?”

“Yeah. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” Les cleared his throat. “What is it, African or something?”

I said I didn’t think so. I said it meant sunny morning in Indian or something like that.

“That’s great,” said Les. “That’s really great.” I could hear his voice change gear. “I’ll ring you later, Lana. I’ve got to go.”

Since I was always tired, I fell asleep at every chance I got, usually in front of the telly. And since Les still hadn’t come round, I dreamt about him a lot.

I was dreaming that Les took me and Shinola to Disneyland Paris.

When Charley took me and Hilary to Disney World we stayed with his sister who lives in Florida, but Les got us a room in one of the hotels at the park. Our room was pink and had a white canopy bed and a crystal chandelier. It was the Cinderella suite. Les had booked it specially. There was a little room off the main bedroom for Shinola. It had one of those cradles that rock back and forth like you see in fairy stories, all white net and ruffles and little pink bows.

Shinola was sleeping in her little room and Les and I were getting ready for supper. There was a maid who’d look after Shinola while we went downstairs to eat so we didn’t have to stay in our room. After dinner we were going to the disco.

The hotel radio station was playing songs from great Disney classics while I got into my party gear. “Someday My Prince Will Come” was on.

I zipped up my dress. It was a red dress with a tight bodice and spaghetti straps and a slightly flared skirt. I had red heels to match. I sat down at the white and gold dressing-table to put on my make-up. It was just like the dressing-table I’d always wanted (but
she
would never let me have), with lights around the mirror. Les came up behind me. He started nuzzling my neck and telling me how gorgeous I looked. I pretended I didn’t want him messing up my hair and stuff, but really I couldn’t have cared less.

“Lana…” whispered Les. “Lana … Lana … Lana…”

He was being too rough. I pushed him off.

“Lana … Lana … Lana…”

“Not now.” I pushed him off again. “I have to get ready.”

“Lana … Lana … Lana…” He wasn’t nuzzling me any more. He was shaking me hard.

I pulled away from him. “Get dressed,” I said. “You’ve got to get dressed, too.”

“Not at three in the morning,” said Les.

I opened my eyes. I’d fallen asleep in front of the telly again. But even though I was still half-asleep and blinded I knew it wasn’t Les’s come-to-bed eyes that were staring down at me. I shut my own tight.

“Lana, wake up.”

I risked another look. Hilary was standing over me with no make-up on and her hair in curlers like some monster of the night. I wanted to hit her.

“What do you want?”

“What do
I
want? Can’t you hear Shinola? She’s been crying for ten minutes.”

Then why didn’t she look after her, for God’s sake? I pulled a cushion over my head. “So give her a bottle.”

She threw the cushion on to the floor. “I’m not her mother. She needs you, Lana.
Now
.”

There was nothing for it, she was going to get me up if she had to drag me off the couch. I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

“I can’t have my sleep disturbed like this every night,” she complained. “I’ve got to go to work.”

She’d taken a week off after I got home from hospital, to look after me and Shinola, and that was hell. But this was worse. Before she complained all the time, but at least she got up with Shinola in the night once in a while and made a few bottles. Now all she did was complain.

“All right … all right…” I got to my feet and staggered into the kitchen.

“Pick Shinola up before you heat the bottle,” she nagged. “She’s upset. She needs to be comforted.”

“I’ll comfort her once I’ve done this,” I said, though at that moment I’d sooner have stuffed her down the loo. “I’ve only got two hands.”

There were three bottles ready in the fridge, thank God. I wasn’t up to any major preparation. Not with the Curse of Kilburn shrieking at me.

“Heat the water first,” ordered my mother. “You don’t want it hot, you just want it warmed.”

I put a bottle in a cold pan of water and turned on the burner. “I know how hot to make it,” I informed her. “I
have
done this before.”

She didn’t say anything. I glanced over my shoulder to see why. You know, to see if she was putting a curse on me or something and couldn’t be bothered to answer. She was gone.

Though not for long.

She came back before I had time to miss her, Shinola squirming in her arms.

“Look at her!” she said accusingly. “She’s almost blue.”

She was closer to purple than blue, if you asked me.

“And that’s
my
fault?” I screamed back. “Even though I didn’t hear her?”

Some things never changed. I still got blamed for everything, but now she had more things to blame me for.

“You
should’ve
heard her,” snarled my mother. “Either you bring her cot into the living-room, or you take the telly into your room.”

But when she talked to Shinola she was as sweet as pie. “There … there…” she crooned. “Your bottle will be ready in a minute. There … there … there…”

I took Shinola out of her arms. “She’ll puke if you keep jiggling her like that.”

“No, she won’t,” said my mother. “She has nothing in her
to
puke.”

It was another week before Les could come over – because of work and having to catch up after his holiday and everything. He had a surprise for me. “I can’t wait to see your face when you see it,” said Les.

It’d been so long since anyone had given
me
anything that wasn’t really for Shinola that I instantly forgave him for not coming round sooner.

I spent the whole day getting ready.

Les was a very neat person. I didn’t want him to think that motherhood had made me sloppy, so I tidied the flat up first. It took ages because every time I’d get stuck into the washing-up or something, Shinola would start screaming.

Then I gave her a bath and changed her so she wouldn’t smell like something that’d gone off. As soon as I snapped the last snap on her rompers, she did the biggest dump anyone smaller than an elephant could possibly do. I had to start all over again.

I hadn’t even finished doing my make-up when the doorbell rang.

Shinola was whingeing, of course, so I scooped her up and raced to the door.

Les looked surprised. “Jesus Christ,” he said.

I smiled down at her. “Say hello to your father.” I waved her little hand at him. It was wet with drool.

Les had half a smile on his face. Not a small smile, but half a smile, as if only one half of his mouth could actually move. He kind of shuffled from one foot to the other, his eyes on Shinola. I’d been hoping he’d be choked with emotion the first time he saw her, but he wasn’t, unless the emotion was nervousness.

“She’s sweet,” said Les. “She looks like you.”

I pretended to study Shinola’s face as though I’d never looked at it before, when really it was just about all I did look at any more.

“You think so? I think she’s got your nose.”

Les laughed. “She hasn’t got anybody’s nose. She’s got her own.”

He stood there, nodding and grinning, his eyes on Shinola as if he thought she was a letter-bomb.

“So,” I said. “Do you want some tea? Tell me all about your holiday.”

Les threw himself on to the sofa beside a box of disposable nappies. The sofa honked. Startled, he reached behind him and removed a blue rubber duck.

“I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when she can walk,” I said. “Her stuff gets everywhere as it is.”

Les’s nose twitched. “She hasn’t done something, has she? It smells funny in here.”

“Of course not.” There was no way I was going to start changing nappies then. It was the first time we’d been together in weeks. I wanted Les to think of me as his sex goddess, not the girl with the poo-smeared cotton ball in her hand. “Why don’t I put the kettle on while you tell me about your holiday?”

Les leaned back with a sigh. “Don’t let me bang on too long,” he said. “I’m becoming a bit of a Greece bore.” He laughed. “You’re lucky I forgot my snaps.”

Shinola’d only been whimpering, you know, so we wouldn’t forget she was there. But as soon as Les started to talk about his holiday, she started to cry for real.