And Berry Came Too (4 page)

I took the pointed fingers and put them up to my lips. “A little more,” I said, “and I shall go down on my knees.”

An hour and a quarter later we ran into Basingstoke.

As I was handing Perdita out of the Rolls—

“I think,” she said, “there’s somebody trying to catch your eye.”

I turned to see Constable Dane descending the police station steps.

As a hand went up to his helmet—

“Hullo, Dane,” said I. “Did you get him?”

Dane permitted himself the ghost of a smile.

“Got them both, sir,” he said. “And every bit of the stuff.”

“Not the emerald bracelets?” I cried.

The constable started and stared.

“There was two bracelets,” he said cautiously.

I threw my hat in the air.

“And a diamond necklace,” I said, “and a beautiful rope of pearls.”

Dane put a hand to his head.

“An’ three good rings,” he said. “But – excuse me, sir, but ’ow on earth do you know?”

“It’s easy enough,” said I. “It’s my sister’s stuff. The moment I heard she’d been robbed, I wondered if I’d been helping to chase the thief.”

Dane blinked from Perdita to me.

“Well, there’s a go,” he said slowly. “It’s like one o’ them story-tales. An’ another thing. ’Ow could you ’ave come here to identify stolen jools wot you didn’t know ’ad been found?”

“I haven’t,” said I. “I came here to bail a man out.”

My words might have been a spell.

Open-mouthed, wide-eyed, the constable seemed to recoil. Then—

“B-bail a man out?” he stammered. “Not a – not a man wot’s got an Alsachun an’…”

His voice tailed off.

I was doing a double-shuffle and Perdita was laughing to glory and hanging on to my arm.

“The Knave!” I shouted. “He’s got him! Two o’clock of a glorious sunshiny day,
and all’s well!
”

“Hush,” bubbled Perdita, “hush. You’ll be under arrest yourself if you don’t look out.”

I pulled myself together and turned to the station steps. But these were empty. Constable Dane was gone.

I returned to Perdita.

“Come along, my dear,” I said. “Come along and be in at the death.”

One minute later we entered a sultry charge room, to find the ‘Inspector on duty’ frowning upon his own writing and wiping the sweat from his face.

As we came in, he looked round. Then he got to his feet.

“Yes, sir?” he said abruptly.

“I’ve come,” I said, “to bail out my brother-in-law. There’s some mistake, of course. I mean—”

“What’s his name, please?”

“Major Pleydell.”

The inspector raised his eyebrows.

“D’you know what he’s charged with?” he said.

“I can’t imagine,” said I. “When I—”

“Felony,” said the inspector. “
Having in his possession stolen goods
.”

“I shan’t be the same,” said Berry. “No man born of woman could stand what I’ve stood today and be the same. I rather think I died more than once. There are, so to speak, hiatus in my recollection. I am unable to recall those circumstances immediately subsequent to the more brutal of the shocks which I received. I submit that on such occasions I was without my ghost. Bludgeoned beyond endurance, the spirit had fled… I mean, take the opening of the masque. There was the Knave
within earshot
. He couldn’t have failed to hear me, but for that horn – that
vox humana
of Hell. I shouldn’t even have had to get out of the car. But a foul and malignant Fate selected that vital moment to drown my voice, and I had the unspeakable anguish of seeing a miracle happen and then the fruits of that miracle run out like a basin of water because I couldn’t shove in the plug. Well, that’s the sort of thing that uproots the soul. I don’t remember leaving the Rolls or how I got into the field. The first thing I do remember was falling down. Blear-eyed with emotion, I failed to perceive, until too late, that the meadow had been recently tenanted by cows which I have every reason to believe not only were magnificent specimens but enjoyed the best of health. The havoc I wrought was too awful. Had I been desired to obliterate all traces of their tenancy, I couldn’t have done so more thoroughly. When I got up you could hardly see where they’d been.

“Well, I passed on into the trees, alternately lamenting the Vandalism and trying to whistle for the Knave. I regret to say that I did more damage, by falling, to what was an excellent grove. Finally I emerged, hoarse and torn and bleeding, plastered with new-laid dung and sweating with a freedom which verged upon the obscene – to see a speck in the distance lope into a second wood…

“I must have proceeded – somehow. Somehow I must have traversed the largest expanse of meadow I ever saw and somehow I must have savaged that second wood, for the next thing I knew was that twenty-five paces away a brook was flowing through pastures and the Knave was standing knee-deep in one of its pools. Very wisely, no doubt, he had stopped for a wash and brush up. Be that as it may, there he was, not only as large as life, but as fresh as paint. And I didn’t have to call him. I fancy he heard my breathing before I was clear of the trees…

“Well, you know his idea of a welcome. If you’ve been away half an hour, it’s grievous bodily harm. I’ve a notion I tried to run, but of course I hadn’t a chance. I just went down before him, as corn goes down before the blade. When I came to, he’d damned near licked my face off and was rolling upon my body for all he was worth. Exactly. My condition appealed to him. I was, in his eyes, wearing a wedding garment.

“When it was all over, I managed to crawl to the brook. There I made the sort of toilet one tries to forget: and then we lay down together to take some rest. He seemed to like the idea, which was just as well: myself, I was past speaking. The wave of reaction alone would have submerged a sage.

“How long I slept I don’t know. I should think for about six minutes – it may have been more. The fact remains that when I awoke and sat up,
the Knave was gone
.

“You may say what you like, but a brain must be seated in rubber to weather a shock like that. And the physical effects were frightful. Without the slightest warning, the whole of my contents gave way. How far they fell I don’t know, but I rose from that sunlit sward, the shell of a man. My very screams rang hollow. My lights had failed.

“When I couldn’t shout any more, I crossed the stream by wading and stumbled towards a beechwood, a drive and a chip away, reviling myself like a madman for not having tied the dog up. Not that he had a collar – he must have lost that by the way – but mine would have done him nicely, and my tie would have made him a lead. This would have entailed no sacrifice. All that my raiment was fit for was household use. I retained it for decency’s sake, but a tramp would have had to be paid to take it away.

“And then I heard the Knave bark – from the midst of the wood…

“He heard me that time all right – it’s astounding the noise you can make when the hounds of Hell have got you by the nape of the neck – and he bounded out of the wood as I came to the trees. For a moment we mixed it, as usual; and then, before I could get him, he’d gone again.

“I give you my word, I thought the dog was bewitched. And then, as I started to run, the scales of misunderstanding fell from my eyes.
I’d forgotten my instructions to Boy – to take the Rolls on and try to encircle the wood. But Boy had carried them out, and now the Knave had found him and was doing liaison between us as best he could
. I mean, the thing was too obvious…

“After that, I took it easy.

“Sure enough the Knave returned, committed a hasty assault and then flicked back out of sight by the way he had come. At my own pace I followed.

“My theory was perfectly sound, except for the basic fact that
it was not Boy
. Liaison had been maintained with a man I had never set eyes on in all my life. There he was, with his back to a beech, and the Knave was leaping about him, nosing his clothes and pretending to bite his dispatch case and barking with an abandon that makes you feel that something may snap.

“Well, of course I called the dog off and I said the usual things. I confess I felt my position. As you may have gathered, I wasn’t looking my best, and I hate being made a fool of at any time.

“The stranger went straight to the point.

“‘Can’t you stop him barking?’ he said.

“‘More,’ said I. ‘If I can only get him, I’ll take him away.’

“‘That’s all right,’ said the other. ‘You keep him here. I want to get on, I do.’

“Well, I collared the dog somehow, and the fellow went off through the wood by the way I had come. And now believe me or not, but if I hadn’t held him tight the Knave would have run by his side. An utter stranger, mark you. And a tough-looking cove, at that. And there he was whining and trembling as though his dearest friend was walking out of his life.

“I tried not to lose my temper, because that dog’s a good dog; but, considering what it had cost me to get to his side, the sudden fancy he’d taken stuck in my throat. Fancy? Infatuation – for a bounder he’d never dreamed of ten minutes before.

“I got my collar on him and made my tie into a leash, but the moment he started straining I knew it was bound to go. And so it did – before I had time to think. I dived for his tail, of course. I might as well have dived for a passing swift. As for issuing any order, before I could open my mouth he was out of sight.

“Well, at least I knew where he’d gone. There wasn’t much doubt about that. By the time I was clear of the wood, there he was on the farther side of the water, fawning upon his darling, wagging his tail like a mad thing and barking to beat the band. His addresses were furiously rejected. Before my eyes his darling aimed a blow at the dog. But the Knave only thought he was playing and whipped in and out of range and nibbled his heels. Over-ripe for violence, I started off in pursuit…

“Approaching the idyll, I don’t think I ever felt such a blasted fool.

“As I called the Knave to order—

“‘What’s the matter with that dog?’ said the stranger.

“I told him I wished I knew.

“‘Well, I’ve got to get on,’ said the fellow. ‘I’m late as it is.’

“‘I’m extremely sorry,’ said I. ‘If I can only catch him–’

“‘You stop him barking,’ said the other. ‘It’s enough to drive a man mad.’

“Well, for reasons which must be obvious, the Knave wouldn’t come to me: however, he stood quite still, with his ears on the back of his neck, so I started to go to him, mouthing treachery about ‘good dogs’ and that sort of tripe. How he lapped it up, I don’t know: but I was within one foot when that fool of a fellow moved…

“We passed up the rise together – the Knave like a ram upon the mountains bounding about his beloved, the stranger describing all dogs with a wealth and variety of imagery which no one could have failed to admire, and myself conjuring the Knave in accents which might have been heard five furlongs away.

“As we came to the second wood the stranger looked back.

“‘Put a sock in it, can’t you?’ he spat. ‘You’re as bad as the dog.’

“That was, of course, the last straw. The back of my forbearance was broken –
yet what could I do?
The hellish answer was
Nothing
. I couldn’t protest: I couldn’t even withdraw. The Knave was pestering the fellow. This, as the dog’s master, it was my duty to stop. But I was unable to stop it, because the dog declined to do as I said. Add to this that I had to stick to the dog… The desire to lie down and scream was almost irresistible. Rage and mortification possessed my soul. Indeed, but for the fact that my nose began to bleed I believe I should have had a seizure. At least, I like to look at it that way. It makes the remembrance less grievous.

“In hatred, malice and all uncharitableness, we made our way into that wood – the stranger spouting imprecations and seething with wrath, the Knave curvetting about him, a witless Bacchant wooing his surly god, and myself, five paces in rear, chewing the cud of degradation and wiping my nose on the collar which should have been round the Knave’s neck.

“We were in the heart of the wood when the stranger, goaded to frenzy, launched his attack. Using his dispatch case as a sort of morning star, he went for that dog with a concentrated fury which would have made a jaguar think. But the Knave, like Gallio, cared for none of these things. Avoiding the onslaught with the grace of a toreador, he danced in and out of range in manifest ecstasy, only waiting for the other to fall, as he presently did, before seizing the case in his jaws and doing his best to wrest it out of his hand. With a thousand dogs out of a thousand, that would have been my chance, but either the devil was in him or the Knave was the thousand and first. Still, if I missed him, at least I made him let go: for all that, the honours were his, for he took a scrap of silk with him which there seemed no doubt he had torn from some garment within the case. I suppose it had been protruding, for the case had seen better days. Any way there it was in his jaws, a delicate rose-coloured trophy – believe me, he flaunted the thing, mouthing it in obvious derision a short six paces away.

“The stranger sat up and wiped the sweat from his face.

“‘How long,’ he snarled, ‘is this comic cuts going on?’

“‘I’m damned if I know,’ said I, and sat down on a rotting stump. ‘Have you far to go?’

“The man made a choking noise.

“‘You can see for yourself,’ I continued, ‘it isn’t my fault. I’ve run three miles across country–’

“‘You oughtn’t to have a dog what you can’t control.’

“‘Look here,’ said I, ‘it’s no good playing with words. In the ordinary way that dog’s an obedient dog. But he has found something about you he can’t resist. You’ve some fatal attraction for him – I don’t know what.’

“‘Attraction be—,’ said the fellow. ‘It’s blasted persecution – that’s what it is. Biting me heels and tearing stuff out of my case. That’s my wife’s nightdress, that is – what he’s got in his mouth.’

“‘I’m extremely sorry,’ said I. ‘If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have another one sent to – er – Mrs – er–’