Another Mother's Life (49 page)

“So can I go up and see the girls, I know it’s late and a school night, but …”

“Go,” Catherine said. “Go and wake them up. It’s more important they see you.”

Catherine sat on the top stair and listened as Jimmy talked to the girls, his voice low, theirs high and questioning.

“How long is eight weeks?” Leila asked him. “How many sleeps is it? Is it farther away than Christmas?”

“No darling,” Jimmy told her. “I’ll be back by the summer in time for your birthday. And it’s not many sleeps, it’s about … well it’s a few sleeps.”

“Is Croatia nice, Daddy?” Eloise asked him. “Are the people kind?”

“Croatian people are the nicest people you could hope to meet and it’s a lovely country, with mountains and a seaside and lots of sunny weather,” Jimmy said. “Not that I’ll be seeing much of that what with being a creature of the night and all.”

“Like an owl?” Leila asked.

“Pretty much,” Jimmy said.

“I don’t think I want you to go,” Leila said eventually, her voice very small. “I think I’ll miss you too much, Daddy.”

“I’ll miss you both too, darling,” Jimmy said. “So much. But I sort of think I have to go.”

There was a long silence and when Catherine peeped through the crack in the door she could see the three of them hugging one another desperately. As she watched the three of them together, it was as if the sun were already rising in the room.

“Okay, now,” Jimmy said eventually. “You two had better get back to sleep, okay? I’ll speak to you really soon and Mummy said I can even send emails to you. The time will fly by and when I get back I’ll have about a million presents for each of you, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” Leila said sleepily. “I’ll pray for you. Love you, Daddy.”

“And me, Daddy,” Eloise added. “I love you too.”

“Love you too, love both of you too,” Jimmy said. “See you later.”

Catherine had crept back downstairs before he came out of his children’s bedroom. When he did emerge Jimmy stood outside the closed door for quite some time, waiting until he could hear them breathing steady and slow, as they drifted back to sleep.

“Right, then,” Catherine said. “Got your passport? Because it would be awful if you got there and didn’t have your passport and had to come home again …”

“Yep,” Jimmy said. “I picked it up from the boat earlier, so no danger of that happening.”

“Is it still valid?” Catherine asked.

“Amazingly enough yes.” Jimmy chuckled. “I had to renew when we went to Spain with the kids and Mum, do you remember? That was the last holiday we had …”

“Travel insurance?” Catherine reminded him. “You need travel insurance, can’t travel without it.”

“The band takes care of that. They need it what with all the guillotines and swords. Turns out the undead are very safety conscious.”

“And you’re all packed?” Catherine said, aware that she was starting to sound like an overprotective parent.

“Two pairs of jeans, my jacket, a shirt, and a T-shirt,” Jimmy said. “If I’m careful I won’t have to do any laundry.”

They smiled at each other and then, as they remembered what was happening, their smiles quickly faded.

“Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?” Jimmy said after a moment.

Catherine looked at him for a long time and thought of about one thousand things she wanted to say to him but didn’t think
she could, because she wasn’t exactly sure why she wanted to say them and they were all things that had to be said for exactly the right reasons.

“No,” she said.

“Okay, then,” he said. “I think I’ll go.”

“There won’t be a train for at least another half an hour this time of night,” Catherine said. “Why don’t you wait here for a bit longer?”

“Anything in particular you want to say to me in that half an hour?” Jimmy asked. Slowly Catherine shook her head once.

“Then I have to go now,” he said.

“Right, then,” Catherine said.

“After I’ve done this,” Jimmy told her.

And then quite without warning he took her in his arms and kissed her. Not on the cheeks or quickly on the lips like he sometimes did. He kissed her properly, deeply, thoroughly, and passionately, his arms pulling her body into his as if for those few brief moments he might absorb her right inside of him. And just as Catherine found herself kissing him back he broke the embrace and walked out the back door.

“Jimmy, wait …” But before she could say anything else he was gone.

C
atherine felt as if she should be dreaming, as if she should be having one of those dreams where you absolutely know you’ve got to be somewhere doing something that is completely vital but you can’t remember what it is and the more you try to get there and the more you try to remember what it is the more you realize you are never going to make it. She felt like she should be having one of those dreams, only she was wide awake. All at once she was completely wide awake.

At the quiet knock on the back door she flew out of her chair, scrambling for her keys to unlock it.

“You came … Alison,” Catherine said, her face falling. “Jimmy’s gone to Croatia, he’s gone.”

“I know, that’s why I’ve come,” Alison said, and she smiled. “I was going to climb in through the window for old time’s sake, but I thought that might push you over the edge.”

“You know that he’s gone to Croatia?” Catherine asked.

“Yes, he told me in the pub,” Alison said. “How do you feel about that?”

“How do I feel?” Catherine said, a little dazed. “Oh, well I’m pleased for him, of course. And he certainly needs the money for a deposit on a flat.”

“Catherine,” Alison said, inviting herself in because Catherine clearly wasn’t going to. “He’s not here now. It’s just you and me. So tell me, how do you really feel?”

“I want him to come back and stay here and not go to Croatia,” Catherine said, desperately leaning against the counter. “I don’t want him to go, but it’s not fair, is it? What right have I to hold him back just because I don’t want him to leave? I haven’t got any right, have I?”

“No,” Alison said. “Unless you happen to love him, for example? Because if you do, then he has the right to know.”

Catherine stared at Alison opened mouthed, as if just for that moment she had been frozen in time.

Finally, she was able to speak. “How can I tell him one minute that I don’t love him and then, just as his big dream is about to come true, tell him that actually now that he’s about to leave me I might love him after all. I can’t stand in the way of his dream again. He hated me for that before and he’ll hate me for it again.”

“He won’t hate you for telling him the thing he most wants to hear,” Alison said.

“But I’m over him,” Catherine protested. “I don’t care about Donna Clarke in the Goat anymore. If I think about it, I don’t feel anything at all.”

“That means you are over
that
,” Alison said. “Not that you are over him. That means you have forgiven him, that you know that it didn’t mean anything to him to be with her and that if he had you again he wouldn’t ever, ever need anyone else. That means that you two have a chance to be together without any shadows
of the past hanging over you, no bitterness or unfinished business. That means you should get your coat on and run after him right now. Because you love him and you finally have a chance to be happy.”

Catherine looked at her. “Why are you helping me?”

Alison smiled at her. “Because you are my best friend. Look, his train is leaving in five minutes so it’s decision time. If you want to go I’ll wait with Leila and Eloise till you get back.”

Catherine hesitated for a moment and then she grabbed her coat and ran.

Her chest heaved and her lungs screamed as they filled with the cold night air, and for the first time in her life Catherine wished that her legs were longer and that she was even lighter and thinner than she was, so that she could run just a little faster to find her husband.

And then suddenly Catherine stopped, as she gulped at the damp night air.

“What am I doing?” she asked herself. “What if it goes wrong? What if he doesn’t love me? What if me chasing after him now is one big terrible mistake?”

She stood there frozen to the spot and she heard the blood pounding in her ears, the chill of the air against her skin, the water from the pavement soaking through her slippers, and in that one gloriously uncomfortable moment she felt utterly alive, as if all the energy in the world was for that briefest of times flowing solely through her. And Catherine knew she could only feel that way because she loved Jimmy, and if loving him was a risk, then this time, finally, it was one she was brave enough to take.

As she skidded into the station, she heard the rumble of the London train above her head pulling in.

“Jimmy, wait!” she yelled, her voice echoing down the empty underpass. “Wait!”

As she approached the steps that led up to the platform, she slipped in a puddle and lost her footing for a moment, falling to her knees for a few precious seconds. As she finally plummeted onto the platform, the train screeched to a halt.

“Jimmy!” Catherine looked up and down the length of the platform. It was empty. “Jimmy!” she called again.

Just then the alarm sounded as the doors were about to close. Making a split-second decision, Catherine leapt on board.

It was completely empty except for one boy in a hooded top, his head lolled against the window, his mouth open as he snored. For a split second Catherine wondered if Jimmy had gotten on the train at all, and then she realized that of course he had. He hadn’t believed that he had any choice. Catherine had to find him and she didn’t have much time, because in a few minutes the train would stop once more and then there would be no more stops until London.

He wasn’t in the second or third carriage that she stalked through, her long coat flapping around her, her slippers slapping on the carriage floor. But he was in the fourth one, staring bleakly out the window, looking pale and tired.

“Jimmy,” she said as she arrived in front of him, sitting down with a sway and a thump.

Jimmy looked at her.

“I’m still a little bit drunk,” he said. “Are you actually there or am I hallucinating?”

“Jimmy, I’m so stupid,” Catherine began, the words tumbling out of her. “And I know I don’t have the right to ask you this, but please, can I talk to you?”

“Why?” Jimmy asked her, frowning. “What more is there to say?”

Catherine looked out the window at her own translucent reflection; now was the time to make her courage stick. Jimmy crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

She took a breath and looked him in the eye.

“Because I love you, I love you. I’ve only ever really loved you. Even when I hated you I loved you, even when I didn’t love you I loved you, and I can’t lose you now that I’ve come to my senses. I’ve wasted twelve years not letting you know how much you are loved and I don’t want to waste another single second. I couldn’t let you go without telling you that when you come back from Croatia, that if you want, me and the girls will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to come home to be with us again as a family. And I’m really sorry to rush you, but if you do want that you have to tell me right now because I’ve got to get off this train in about twenty seconds.”

“Well, that’s typical, you get ten years to make your mind up and I get twenty seconds.” Jimmy looked at her with a tiny smile lightening his mouth. “What was it that brought you to your senses? Come on, tell me. Was it that kiss? That was one hell of a kiss, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, it was,” Catherine said, allowing herself to smile back at him. “It certainly was.”

“I don’t have to go,” Jimmy said, leaning across and catching her hands. “Tell you what, I won’t go. I’ll come with you now. I want to, Cat, because all that stuff you just said? It’s made me pretty much the happiest man alive on this planet.”

“Oh, I want you to come back but you can’t,” Catherine told him, briefly pressing her cheek to the back of his hand. “You have to go—this is your big break! Go on tour and have fun, be brilliant and enjoy it, Jimmy. Because I’ll be waiting for you when you get back, and anyway, missing you will be almost nice now that I know it won’t be forever.”

“They’ll be the longest eight weeks of my life,” Jimmy said, pulling her close to him and kissing her as the train pulled into the next station.

“This is the happiest good-bye I’ve ever had,” Catherine told him, her fingers entwined in his as she stood up.

“This isn’t a good-bye,” Jimmy said, kissing her hand before he let it go. “This is the beginning.”

As the train pulled out of the station, Catherine Ashley stood on the platform for a very long time, trying to understand exactly how her life had just changed. And then something occurred to her.

She had absolutely no idea how she was going to get home.

“Thank you,” Catherine said to Alison as they sipped tea and watched the sunrise for the second time together. “And thanks for lending me the money to pay for that cab. I don’t think any of this would have happened tonight if it hadn’t been for you.”