Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got No Body (A Page Turners Novel) (24 page)

Sunny groaned. “This is not how I want to find a man.” Embarrassed by her inadequacies, she considered pulling the plug on this whole idea. Literally, she could pull the plug from the side of the computer and just act like the internet went out
.
 

“You should try the Match one. It’s one of the most popular sites, and they offer a one month free trial membership so you’re not out anything if you just want to try it,” Edna said.

Raising an eyebrow at Edna, Sunny was amazed at the older woman’s online dating know-how. Sunny hadn’t thought she even knew how to use the internet.

Sunny clicked on the next website address, and a new screen came up with a scene of two good-looking people laughing as they sipped champagne in a hot tub with a backdrop of snow covered mountains in the background. As they watched, the scene faded into a beach setting with another beautiful couple, also laughing while they rode horseback down the sand. That scene faded to still another laughing couple on the patio of a romantic restaurant enjoying a lobster dinner.

“Look how happy all those people are,” Piper said.

“Those are the couples who own these websites. They’re so happy, because they’re making so much money on the poor suckers searching these sights,” Maggie said dryly.

“Well, I certainly do enjoy hot tubs, the beach, and eating,” Sunny said. “So I should fit right in. And I’m sure my body looks just like that girl in the bikini.” Her sarcasm was ignored as the other women intently watched the screen.

“I wouldn’t mind being matched up with that one.” Edna pointed to the computer as a new scene depicted another gorgeous couple picnicking in the French countryside, their bicycles resting against a nearby tree, and they were, of course, also laughing. The man was dark haired, mustached, and had a muscled tan body. He was pictured feeding a chocolate-covered strawberry to a beautiful blond
e
goddess. “He looks a little like Clark Gable.”

“Who?” Piper asked.

“The guy in
Gone with the Wind
,” Cassie said.

“Oh, yeah.”

“So, what am I supposed to do now?” Sunny asked. She still couldn’t believe she was asking Edna’s advice on how to work an online dating site.

“You have to start making choices. Are you looking for a male or female?” Edna asked, teasingly.

“Okay, that’s easy enough.” Sunny rolled
the mouse around to click on
Female seeking
Male
.

“Now put in your age range.”

She clicked on the thirty to forty icon.

“Now, put in your zip code, and it will bring up guys in this area.”

Sunny typed in her zip and pressed enter.

The screen now held a row of one by two inch pictures, each with a profile title and a short message.

“See, these are the profiles,” Edna explained. “You scroll through them and when you get to one you like, you can ‘wink’ at them.”

“Wink at them?”

“It’s like a little message to show you’re interested.”

“Look at this one.” Maggie pointed at the screen. “It says,
Only women who like to receive roses need apply
and his profile name is
SmoothTalk
. Vomit!”

Cassie laughed. “Wait, look at this one. This guy is
called
Got Cheesecake
, and it says
I’ve been told I’m very good-looking
. By who? Your mother?”

They scrolled through the pictures, laughing and hooting at some of the more outrageous profiles.

“
4everLooking
wants to know
,
Will you complete me?
”

“Wait!
Dr. Love
says
,
I'm
a nice guy that likes to cuddle.
”

“Look at this guy. His name is
Ladylover
and all he wrote was
,
I’m just lookin’ for some tail
.”

“Oh, you better write his number down,” Maggie said. “He sounds like a real catch.”

“I think we can skip over
Big14U
and
Fun4aNite
,” Cassie said.

“Although, you might be
interested in
KegMaster
,” Piper said, joining in on the fun as she pointed to a beefy guy who wore sunglasses, with his hat backwards sitting in a boat.
“He says
,
lived here his hole life, is an outgoing persone, likes drinking, hanging out and NASCAR
. And he is obviously a great speller.”

“Check out this one. He can’t even be bothered to spell. He’s just using text language. And he
,
wants to be ur Superman
. He says
,
my name is Jim aka Loverboy. I love 2 go to da movies n go out 2 eat after da movies. I’m very romantic and loyal. I’m trying 2 go bak 2 school…
.”

Sunny laughed. “Well,
Loverboy
can just go right on back to school. In fact, he would fit right in with some of our fifth graders.”

Cassie scrolled to another profile. “How about this one
?
He
likes to watch TV and get tattoos
. He sounds like a real winner. No wonder his profile name is
Loner78
.”

“But this guy is a
connoisseur of fine wine AND women
,” Maggie said.

“Why is this guy on here
?
It says he’s looking for companionship in one sentence and the next he says he works seventy-five hours a week. When would he have the time?”

“How about
HotRockerStud
?
That Van Halen long hair is
almost
still in style.”

“This is ridiculous.” Sunny wiped tears from her eyes as she tried to control her laughter. “This is why those first people were having so much fun. They had been reading these profiles. Who would go out with these guys?”

Sunny’s embarrassment faded with the hilarity of the situation as the laughter in the room grew.

“Now, Sunny, you have to get past the duds and try to find the studs,” Edna said, still on the hunt for a good match. “This one looks nice.” She pointed to a snapshot of a dark-haired man pictured with two poodles. “His name is
My2doggiesandme
. Now that’s kind of sweet.” 

“First of all, I’m not going out with a guy who has a poodle. Beau would probably eat that little dog. And second of all, I’m not going out with a guy
who has a poodle
.”

“Yeah, Edna, she has some standards.” Maggie smirked. “How about going
out with
Beefcake
? It says,
likes to workout four times a week
.”

Sunny laughed and reached to close the laptop. “That’s enough for me.”

“Wait, I think I might have found one for real,” Cassie said, her face intent as she clicked on the picture of an average-looking guy with a blond hair. He looked tan and fit, and his picture was taken outdoors by a stream. He was wearing shorts, a fishing vest, and was holding a fishing pole. His profile name was
Flyfisherman
. “He sounds okay. His message reads
,
Simple guy with a good sense of humor who loves the outdoors, hiking, and fishing. Laid back personality, listens to the Eagles, and likes to cook
.
”

“Likes to cook
?
Let me call him,” Maggie said.

“He sounds pretty good, Sunny. And he looks nice,” Piper said.

“Yeah, I guess he sounds okay,” she replied. “All right, you can wink at him.”

“Now once you let them know you’re interested,” Edna said, “you have to build a profile for yourself so they can reply.”

“Groan. I don’t want to sound as dorky as these guys,” Sunny said, as she watched Edna click through the steps and type in her name, email and description.

“Eyes,” Edna said.
“Blue.
What color would you call your hair?”

Sunny glared at her. “Blond
e
.”  When Edna didn’t resume typing, she continued, “-ish. Okay, dirty-blond
e
.”

“Wait.
Don’t put dirty-blon
de
in her profile,” Cassie said.

“Ya, she might get win
ked at by
Loverboy
or
DrLove
,” Maggie said.

“Just put blonde,” Cassie instructed. “They will see her picture.”

Sunny groaned again. “Oh, my gosh, what are we going to use for a picture?”

“Don’t worry. We can use that good one from Cassie’s BBQ last summer,” Maggie offered.

“Next question is ‘What would you say your weight is?’” Edna read, keeping to her task.

“What would
I
say it is or what would the
scale
say it is?” Sunny asked.

Sunny watched as Edna entered in a weight and height and said, “That’s close enough.”

“Now what is your message going to say?” Piper asked.

“Do you like pina coladas
?
And getting caught in the rain?” Maggie crooned.

“That’ll get me a lot of dates.”

“Okay,” Cassie said, still serious, “put down kind-hearted, dog-lover, and good with children…”

“Don’t make her sound like a nun,” Maggie chided. “Add in ‘fun and full of energy’.”

“Put that I like to read and watch movies,” Sunny said.

“Put that she likes motorcycles, rock-climbing, and hang-gliding,” Maggie added.

“No, don’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“It’s lying. I don’t do any of those things.”

“Oh, everybody spices their profiles up a bit.”

“How about, loves to laugh
?” Piper put in.

“How about, good hygiene
?” Edna asked.

“No
!
I’ll keep my hygiene to myself, thank you,” Sunny declared.

They worked another twenty minutes, scanned in the picture from the barbeque, and finally settled o
n a profile title of
SunnyGirl
and a message that read:
Fun-loving single who loves dogs and kids. Enjoys reading, movies, walking my Golden Retriever, and hanging out with friends. Looking to meet new people. Let’s chat over coffee or lunch.

“All right, so I winked at someone, now what?” Sunny asked, leaning back in her chair.

“Now you have to wait to see if they wink back with their contact info,” Edna explained.

“But that could take hours.”

“Right, so let’s switch to the over-sixty crowd and find some men for me,” Edna said.

“Okay.”

Sunny changed the age group to over-sixty and clicked enter.

Up popped several photos, though not as many as were in the thirty to forty age categories.

“How about this guy, Edna
?
He’s five foot seven, one hundred thirty-five pounds, and he’d like to meet a woman who is shorter than he is but shouldn’t outweigh him.” Maggie laughed.

“This guy sounds like you.” Cassie pointed to a picture of a man with gray hair and an impish grin. “
It says:
He’s an ordinary guy with a
slightly lusty mind, looking to express his love in romantic ways.
”

“He’s nothing like me,” Edna said. “He said his mind is only
slightly
lusty.”

Maggie, Cassie and Sunny cracked up, but Piper wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“This guy says,
I’m 5’9”, and I still have most all my hair
.”

“This one’s a rock-n-roller from way back.”

“This guy says,
I have no RV, so if you need one, don’t reply
.”

“Now this one has potential,” Edna said and pointed to a man with a handlebar moustache who sat astride a large motorcycle. “H
e says:
I’ve met women who I could probably live with, but I’m looking for one I can’t live without
.”

“Ahhh, how sweet. Next page.” Sunny clicked the arrows leading to the next page.

Their laughter died suddenly as the photos appeared on the next page.

“What the heck?”  Sunny stared at the top photo of the profiles and slowly reached out her hand to touch the picture of the almost familiar man.

“Does this look like…?” she asked, incredulously.

“Yeah, it totally looks like…” Maggie said as she leaned closer to the screen.

“It is him,” Edna said. “That is definitely our Mr. Mysterious-Hottie-Neighbor.”