Any Way You Want Me (17 page)

“Hmm. I guess that’s true,” she said, sounding more interested in the movie than Yasmine’s plight.

“That was not the voice of sincerity.”

Cass grabbed the remote and hit the pause button. “You’re the one who’s always talking about the importance of accepting yourself for what you are. So what
if he reminds you of your past? At least you know he doesn’t have any issues with it.”

“Is that part of the reason you didn’t want to get serious with Drew? You didn’t want to tell him about your stripper years.”

“We’re talking about your screwed-up love life here, not mine.”

On the paused TV screen, the heroine was frozen in the middle of a lonely New Year’s Eve crying jag. Bizarrely appropriate.

“So what are your New Year’s resolutions?”

“No more sex with nerdy guys who don’t know the deal about me and my romance-free lifestyle.”

“Would you stop calling Drew a nerd. He’s just a little offbeat. He doesn’t try to be cool, which in my book is a definite plus.”

“What’s your resolution? No more gorgeous, available, perfect men?”

“Alex is
not
perfect. Remember, I didn’t even know his name was Alex until a few days ago!”

“So he testified against you and sent you to a juvie center. Is that really so awful?”

“No, but it’s pretty damn bad that he slept with me just to find out if I was still doing anything illegal.”

“Come on, Yasmine. You know that’s not the whole truth—the man’s got an overly guilty conscience. He slept with you because he was hot for you, plain and simple.”

“And because it was a convenient way to gain my trust.”

“Seriously, have you ever met a guy who wanted sex for any other reason than simply because it’s his favorite thing to do?”

“That’s beside the point.”

“No, it
is
the point. You’ve got to stop letting this whole investigation thing bother you. If he got it up, it’s because he wanted to sleep with you. No other reason.”

Was Cass right? Yasmine wondered. Had she been too hard on Alex, and had he been too hard on himself? She thought of his otherwise strict sense of honor and realized just how right Cass was.

“Oh, hell.”

“You know I’m right.”

Yes, she did. And she felt like a fool.

“Do you think I’ve screwed up for good with him?”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

“What about you? Are you really going to mope your way through the New Year?”

“Do you have another suggestion?”

“You’re clearly unhappy with the Drew situation. Why don’t you at least open yourself up to possibilities? Maybe you’d be blissfully happy with him if you gave him a chance.”

“Or not.”

“Why don’t you offer him some sort of alternative arrangement—like sex with the possibility of something more.”

Cass was silent. Finally she said, “What if he’s horrified that I used to be a stripper?”

“Then he sucks, but there’s only one way to find out.”

She sighed. “I guess I’ve gone this far. I’ve already entered the complication zone. I’ll always wonder what might have been if I don’t give it a shot.”

“Should we go find our men?” Yasmine asked.

“I think we have to. It’s either that or sit here feel
ing sorry for ourselves on the most important night of the year.”

They were off the couch and scrambling for shoes and coats, and in less than a minute they were both ready to go.

They opened the door, and Yasmine was stepping out into the hallway when she spotted Alex. He was standing holding a bottle of champagne, looking contrite and gorgeous.

Cass looked at her and smiled. “I’ll be going now,” she said. “Happy New Year!”

And with that she was running down the stairs and out the door, leaving Yasmine and Alex standing there, silent, staring at each other.

“Call me optimistic,” he finally said, “but I was sitting home alone, trying to figure out what to do with myself, and I realized the only thing I wanted to do was come here and beg you to give me another chance.”

She wanted to play it cool, remain a little stoic, but she got all teary-eyed again instead.

“You’d better come inside,” she said.

C
ASS GLANCED AT THE CLOCK
glowing green on her dash. She still had time. She’d gone home, changed clothes and grabbed her old portable stereo loaded with her favorite dance CD. Now she was parked in Drew’s driveway, trying to muster her nerve to get out of the car. If he was home, they could maybe ring in the New Year together.

If she was lucky.

Mere groveling might not be good enough. She’d have to take extreme measures, possibly, and she was prepared. She hadn’t realized how badly she wanted to see him again until she’d set her mind to the task.

With her insides trembling, she got out of the car, carried her stereo and some clothes in a duffle bag up the sidewalk, rang the doorbell and waited. Seconds passed, and she rang again just to be sure he’d heard. Then she breathed a sigh of relief to hear footsteps from inside the house.

When the door opened, Drew was standing on the other side, his glasses missing, his hair disheveled and his chest bare.

“I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” she asked, feeling foolish for not considering the possibility that he’d already have a woman with him.

“Actually, yes,” he said without betraying any emotion. “You woke me up.”

“Could you please let me in for a minute so we can talk?”

“No.”

“Okay, we can talk like this. I just want to say I’m sorry, and that I want to give us a chance. I may not be all that open to romance, but I’d like to at least be open to possibilities with you. So maybe we could, you know, keep having sex…and see what happens.”

“I don’t really see the point now,” he said.

“Would it make a difference if I were naked?” she said, setting her bag on the sidewalk.

His gaze dropped to her leopard-print trench coat. “It would be slightly more entertaining, but no, I can’t see how it would make a difference.”

“Let’s try it,” she said as she opened her coat and revealed the skimpy ensemble she wore beneath.

Her body-skimming leopard-print baby doll barely covered a black lace bra and panties. And her bare legs led down to a pair of black stiletto heels.

The damp night air was cold. Damn cold. Her nipples turned to pebbles when she let the coat fall open.

Drew glanced around the neighborhood, then back at her. “Cover yourself up!” he stage-whispered.

“Why? Worried that your neighbors will see me?”

Cass had hidden for too long behind lies that never hinted at the dancing she’d earned her living on for so many years. She didn’t miss stripping—okay, well, she did occasionally miss the empowerment it gave her.

She missed the raw, female power she had over every man in a room when she stepped out onto a stage and wrapped her leg around the pole.

But she’d finished that chapter of her life and didn’t
intend to go back. She didn’t want to dwell on the mistakes she’d made or the people she’d hurt when she’d been young and reckless. She had other ways of commanding power now.

Yet she did want Drew to know all of her and accept her for who she was and who she had been. If he couldn’t accept her, he wasn’t worth any more of her time.

“Please let me in. I have to show you something, and I don’t want you to say anything until I’m finished, okay?”

“Um, okay,” he said, sounding perplexed as he stepped aside.

She entered the apartment and looked around to make sure she had enough room to dance. Definitely enough space for a one-woman show.

“You’ll want to sit down for this,” she said, and he did, easing down onto the edge of the couch as if he might need to hop up again and flee the room at any moment.

She placed the portable stereo on his dining room table and hit the play button for the CD that was already cued up. The music started, and she let her coat slide off her shoulders and onto the floor, where she kicked it aside.

Cass had always understood the power of focusing her dance on a specific guy, making him believe he was the only one in the room she was taking her clothes off for. So she did. As she started to dance, her body moving as if making love, her gaze locked on Drew, she could read the emotions playing across his face.

Interest, confusion, arousal, mistrust and, finally, appreciation. He sat back a little, continuing to watch as she removed the baby doll, sliding it over her shoulders, down her waist, over her hips and legs.

She kicked it aside, then did a little spin as she un
latched her bra, opened her arms and flung it aside. As she danced before Drew, her chest bare, she felt as if she’d just bared something more. As if she was showing him her heart, opening up that place where he could hurt her the most, and where there also might be the greatest potential for pleasure.

And that, she realized, was the reason she’d run scared before. Her heart had been telling her she didn’t just want sex with this man. She wanted to see what else might happen. In spite of her happy life, for once she actually wanted the complications.

Finally she hooked her thumbs into the sides of her panties and shimmied them down over her hips, let them fall to her feet, met Drew’s gaze and held it as she slid her hands over her torso and breasts.

She worked her hips, lowered herself like a cat to the floor, crawled toward Drew and then twirled onto her back, where she ended the dance with her legs crossed in the air.

When the song stopped and the room was silent again, she could hear his steady breathing, but for a few moments he said nothing.

Then finally, “Wow.”

“Did you like it?”

“You dance like a pro.”

She pushed herself up to a sitting position and rested her arms on his knees in front of her.

“The truth is, I worked my way through college by stripping.”

Drew stared at her, slack-jawed, and didn’t say a word.

She took a deep breath and kept going. “I was Cassi, with an
i,
and I could work a pole like nobody’s business.”

“That’s why you don’t like me calling you Cassie?”

She nodded. “I’m tired of hiding my past. If you don’t like it, then I’m definitely not the girl for you.”

“Let me get this straight. You were an exotic dancer, and you’re afraid I wouldn’t like that?”

“Yeah.”

“Come here,” he said, pulling her into his lap.

“Is this close enough?”

“Barely,” he said, taking a long, appreciative look at her bare breasts. “I just want you to know, I’ve never met a woman like you before.”

“You mean, a former stripper?”

“I mean, a woman as fun, exciting, intelligent and sexy as you.”

“Aren’t you a little bothered that I used to take my clothes off for a living?”

He slid his hands up her torso and around to her backside. “I don’t give a damn. You have an amazing body, and what you’ve done with it is your own business. If you were okay with being a stripper, then I’m okay with it.”

“I guess that’s the problem. I’ve always felt a little ashamed of that part of my life.”

“Ashamed why?”

“Lots of reasons. I didn’t treat myself very well, let men treat me badly, too, made some mistakes…”

“Nobody has a perfect past. Whatever has happened to you, has made you the woman you are today, and I’m interested in that woman.”

“There’s something else,” she said before she could lose her nerve. “I turn forty next month.”

“So?” He stared blankly at her.

“I just thought you should know. Some people have been led to believe I’m slightly younger than forty,” she said casually.

“Okay.”

“And also, I’m not quite ready for that going-steady stuff. I was hoping, maybe, you’d be interested in picking up where we left off, and…”

“And just having sex?”

“Just seeing what happens.”

He gave the matter some thought. “I can live with that.”

Cass tried to speak, but her throat tightened up, and all she could do was kiss Drew. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him for all she was worth, until they both had to come up for air.

Finally she found her voice. “I’m sorry for making this so hard.”

“It’s okay, so long as you’re going to stay here and ring in the New Year with me.”

“There’s no place else I’d rather be,” she said.

He smiled his crooked smile, and Cass knew that wherever their affair took them, she wanted to go. She wanted to explore the possibilities, follow the adventure and find out if there was a chance for happily ever after.

Y
ASMINE OPENED THE WINDOW
so they could have a better view of the fireworks when the clock struck midnight. Then she turned to Alex and expelled a shaky sigh. He’d just finished pouring glasses of champagne for them, but she’d forgotten to tell him she couldn’t drink alcohol with her pain medication.

Now when she looked at him, she could see past the surface changes to the man he’d been years ago, sitting
on the witness stand. He didn’t look so different, after all. And the questions remained. Could she totally forgive him, and could she really live with the reminder of her sins every day? Could she trust that he saw past her surface?

Okay, she was definitely getting ahead of herself there. Who knew if Alex would want a future with her beyond tomorrow, or next week?

In the black sky, a starburst of red lit the darkness, followed by more glittering bursts of white and blue. The bangs and whistles of the fireworks reminded Yasmine of a New Year’s Eve she’d once spent in Paris as a kid with her parents. And the thought of her parents made her wonder, for the first time, what they would think of Alex if they ever met him.

Would they like him? Would her father talk to him about rugby, and would her mother size him up and deem him acceptable? It didn’t matter to her one way or the other, but, she realized now, they would like him. He was the kind of guy parents wanted their daughters to end up with—upright, strong, intelligent, handsome….

He may have tried to give himself to the dark side in pursuing her, but even then he’d had an honorable motive.

She smiled and glanced over at Alex with a little pang of wistfulness for reasons she couldn’t put a finger on, but when his gaze met hers, she saw something unexpectedly intense there.

He wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t look at all as though he was enjoying the merriment of the holiday.

“What’s up?” Yasmine asked.

He pulled her closer and rested his hands at the small
of her back. “I’m still waiting to find out if you’ll forgive me.”

She expelled a pent-up breath and took his hands in hers. “I do forgive you, and what I said earlier at the hospital—I was speaking under duress.”

“Meaning?”

“I wasn’t thinking too clearly, but now I realize, it doesn’t matter if you remind me of the past. I want to know about the future—I want to know what comes next for us.”

He smiled a tentative smile, and for the first time Yasmine realized how vulnerable he was, waiting for her to come around. “We haven’t talked about what comes next,” he said.

“I don’t know.”

A burst of light in the sky lit up Alex’s face for a moment, and Yasmine was afraid of what she saw. He was about to say something she was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear.

“I want there to be a ‘next.’ A next day, a next month, a next year, a next lifetime.”

Yasmine’s throat closed up, and she made an insensible sound.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“You have to know I love you, don’t you?”

She wanted to shut him up with a kiss, make the whole discussion just stop right there, sealed in time, before things could go bad. But time never stopped. Through the good and the bad, it marched forward, and so she joined the march with the only thing she could say.

“I love you, too.”

He smiled. “We should do something about that, don’t you think?”

“Like what?”

“I can’t imagine my life without you. I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you a decade ago.”

Yasmine’s breath caught. He’d wanted her all this time. He’d wanted her, and he’d testified against her. She tried to imagine his inner turmoil, and then she realized, this was why he hadn’t fought his termination from the FBI. Because of her and his overblown sense of honor.

It was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard. And the craziest.

“You gave up your FBI career because of me.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. You should have fought for it.”

“I’d rather have you.”

“I’m not worth losing a career over.”

“You’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever known, and there’s some kind of special connection between us—you have to feel it, too.”

She did. There was no denying they were soul mates.

“I want you more than anything,” he said, and they were the words she’d been waiting all her life to hear.

“Anyway you want me, you’ve got me,” she said, and she melted into him.

Had she ever been wanted so completely? Had she ever been the most desired thing in a person’s life?

She couldn’t say she had, and she couldn’t imagine a better feeling in the world now that she knew she was.