Any Way You Want Me (14 page)

“You should write greeting cards. ‘I’m falling in heavy emotions with you.’”

“Don’t be a smart-ass.”

Cass had stopped applying her mascara and gave Yasmine an appraising glance. “Okay, I’ll admit that for you—the one who’s sworn off taking risks—to be confessing to heavy emotions already? It’s a big deal.”

“It’s scary.”

“I think it’s awesome.”

For Cass, who generally wasn’t prone to such enthusiastic exclamations, to make such a statement meant
something was up. Yasmine would have wagered a bet that it had to do with her own feelings for Drew.

They left the fitness studio and headed toward the Thai restaurant, but Yasmine couldn’t wait anymore for the details. “So I told you mine. Now you tell me yours.”

Cass sighed. “You’re so impatient. I guess I can spill now that we’re away from prying ears. Drew and I have seen each other every day since Monday.”

“Wow, so you’re a thing, then?”

“I don’t really want us to be, but I don’t know. I mean, I’m starting to feel like I’m back in junior high school.”

“How so?”

“I’m afraid I have that whole giddy thing going on again. I could spend all day and all night with him and still not feel like telling him to go entertain himself.”

“What have you two been doing? Gazing into each other’s eyes?”

“Probably a similar schedule to yours and Kyle’s. Sex, talk, sex, eat, more sex, et cetera. The only reason I’m not seeing him tonight is he had to work late.”

“Oh, right,” Yasmine said, remembering the after-hours meeting she didn’t have to attend.

“The thing is, though, I dread getting involved again, and you know why.”

“I know you’re happy without a guy, and that’s great, but why can’t you be happy with a guy, too? What’s so bad about that?”

“Been there, done that, sweetie. Happy quickly leads to miserable.”

“Maybe all those other guys were just practice for the real thing.”

“Haven’t we already had this talk? I don’t
want
the real thing. I just want an occasional itch scratched, so why should I buy a whole tree when I can just go outside and rub up against any old branch anytime I want?”

Yasmine blinked at Cass’s wacked logic. “If you really just want sex, and that’s what makes you happy…then, I guess you’re right.”

“Thank you for understanding. Now the problem remains that I like Drew and don’t really want to get rid of him.”

“Told you you’d like him!”

“No need to be smug. He’s a sweet guy. I’d hate to break his heart.”

“You have to tell him what you’re looking for. Maybe he’d be okay with just being your, um, branch,” Yasmine said, looking left and right as they started to cross the street.

She was trying to sound supportive of Cass’s choices and all, but it struck her then how different she and her friend really were. Cass might have been totally happy living alone and without a partner, but Yasmine wanted the opposite. She’d been trying to live a life without close ties, without emotional entanglements, for fear of getting hurt, and it wasn’t working. Her weekend with Kyle had given her a taste of what she was missing.

“I guess you’re right. I’m just afraid of hurting his feelings. I never would have thought I’d go for a computer geek…. But the sex—oh mama, the sex is to die for.”

“That’s all the info I need, thanks.”

“I mean, the man eats pussy like it’s filet mignon—”

“Whoa there! Lalalalalalala—I don’t want to hear
any more. I’ve got to work with Drew, and I’d like to remain friends with both of you.”

“Oh, you’re such a prude.”

“I just think certain facts about a relationship need to remain private. But regardless, maybe he’ll be happy to be at your service. You never know.”

They reached the restaurant, went inside and found a table as the Seat Yourself sign instructed.

Once they were seated, Cass leveled a look at Yasmine that made her want to slide under the table.

“What?” she hazarded to ask.

“We’ve been friends so long, I’m starting to sound like you with all these worries.”

“You don’t sound like me. You sound like a very confused woman.”

“Exactly. Your problem is, you’re afraid of everything, and I think you’re starting to rub off on me.”

“That’s crazy. What am I afraid of?”

“You might think you’re Miss Thing with your bad attitude and your rebel-without-a-cause posture, but you’re not fooling me.”

Yasmine’s lips parted, but no words came out. She wanted to argue with Cass, tell her how wrong she was, but deep down a little nagging voice said her friend might be right.

“What does this have to do with anything?”

“I’m the one with the irregular emotional wiring, not you. I’m the one who’s perfectly happy alone. You, on the other hand, are afraid that if you fall in love, you’ll be the one who gets hurt later. You’re afraid to put yourself out there.”

“So what’s wrong with not wanting to get hurt?”

“You’re not living! It’s like ever since you got out of that kiddy prison, you’ve decided to keep yourself locked up in a prison of your own making.”

Yasmine’s instincts went on alert. Cass had seen a part of Yasmine she’d been keeping so guarded, she hadn’t even remembered it existed. “That’s crazy.”

“My point exactly,” her friend said, nodding in triumph.

“No, I mean, it’s not true. I can’t believe you’d think that about me.” And Yasmine couldn’t believe she was lying to her own best friend, but she felt as though her dirtiest little secret had just been announced to the world, and she’d been caught completely unprepared.

Cass’s eyebrows quirked, a telltale sign that she didn’t buy a word of Yasmine’s story. “Okay, let’s do a little ‘decade in review’ then.”

“Let’s don’t.”

She ignored Yasmine and continued. “First, Yasmine is released from juvenile detention. Then she forgoes her plans to attend Stanford and instead goes to Cal State. While there, she lives a low-key existence, studies hard and graduates a year early. Nothing else of note happens in her life—no torrid love affairs, no unkempt treks through Europe, very little drunken excess to speak of. All of her relationships are with safe, emotionally unavailable bad boys, meaning no commitment required. Upon graduation, she takes the first job she can find at a sex software company, of all places, and she continues working there, with no notable events occurring in her life, until now.”

Yasmine frowned. “You make me sound so boring.”

“That’s just it. You’re one of the most interesting people I know, and yet you’re living the most boring life. Don’t you ever stop to ask yourself why?”

“I just want to stay out of trouble.”

Oddly, unexpectedly, Yasmine was struck with a wave of sadness. It was as if she felt that she needed to mourn the life she’d been failing to live. All this time she thought she’d been a bad girl trying to be good, when really she’d tamed herself to the point of being no kind of girl at all. Just an empty shell, devoid of all the stuff she hoped people would see in her. No wonder guys focused on her outward appearance—there wasn’t anything left inside to appreciate.

She felt her lower lip quivering, which was possibly the most idiotic thing she’d done all week.

“Oh, sweetie, what is it? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Yasmine took a sip of the water a hurried waitress had placed on the table before rushing off. The drinking gave her a chance to regain her composure.

“How did this go from your Drew dilemma to a dissection of my life?”

Cass made a little half smile. “You know how I hate being under the microscope. I’m sorry I upset you.”

“You were hoping I’d jump for joy at the news that my life is dull and meaningless?”

“I just thought you needed to hear the truth. I don’t want you to throw away your life trying so hard to stay out of trouble. You’re a good person who made a mistake.”

“No, I’m a bad person who’s learned how to control my impulses.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

“And what?”

“You can grow old bored and alone. Is that what you want?”

Yasmine downed the rest of her water as she stared
across the room at the restaurant full of couples and friends smiling, talking, looking happy. When was the last time she’d sat in a restaurant looking happy with a guy she was in love with?

The awful truth slapped her in the face. She’d never been in love. She’d dated, she’d had lovers, and she’d sat in restaurants with them, probably on the outside looking as though they were a happy couple. But in the end, those affairs had always fizzled out, fueled by nothing more than the quick burst of passion that faded as quickly as fireworks.

“Of course not. I don’t want to be alone.”

“So do you think you’ll be ready to tell Kyle the big
L
word anytime soon?”

Yasmine couldn’t help it, she smiled. “Who knows. Anything’s possible, right?”

“Like maybe…On New Year’s Eve, as you ring in the new year?”

“Ohh, that’s way too soon. But it would be romantic. Assuming he feels the same way.”

And what if he did? What if he felt some kind of heavy emotions, too? She had to know for sure, so she decided right then and there that yes, she’d see Kyle again soon, and she’d take a risk. She’d tell him how she really felt.

She couldn’t think of a better way to start off the new year.

A
LEX RUBBED HIS EYES
and leaned back in his desk chair, tired of working and tired of being alone. Avoiding Yasmine sucked. Not having her around sucked, not making love to her sucked, and leaving all his lies hanging between them sucked most of all.

He couldn’t focus on work until he told her the truth—that much was becoming painfully apparent. He needed to call her, go see her, find the guts to tell her everything and ask her forgiveness. Maybe once she finished being pissed off at him, they’d have a chance. Or maybe not, but he had to tell her regardless of the consequences.

He had just picked up the phone and started dialing her number when the doorbell rang. Alex put down the phone and went to the door, his heart pounding in his chest when he saw that it was Yasmine.

As if she’d been reading his mind.

“Hey,” he said when he opened the door.

“Hey, yourself.” She smiled and reached for him, stood on tiptoes to give him a long, hot kiss.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I hate not seeing you at the office, and I was in your neighborhood for an exercise class and thought I’d stop in.”

“I’ve missed you,” he said as he closed the door behind her.

She shrugged off her green leather jacket, and he took it and hung it on the coat rack. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“No, I was just sitting here thinking about you, actually.”

She flashed a smile. “You were?”

“Yeah,” he said. “We need to talk.”

She slipped her fingers into his belt loop and pulled him toward her. “Did I mention that I’m really, really horny?”

This was where he should put some distance between them, stay his course….

“I’ve been thinking of you all day.” She slid her hands around his waist and gripped his ass, massaging as she talked. “Thinking about what I’d like to be doing with you.”

“Oh, yeah?” His cock went erect against her, and when he recalled her peep show performance, he wanted, more than anything, to have her again.

He’d never met a woman so hot, so right for him, so absolutely tempting….

He summoned his deepest reserve of willpower, but a voice inside his head said this was his last chance with her. That the one thing that could best remind her how right they were together was to make love to her.

He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself from this wanting that wouldn’t be controlled. Not when the woman he wanted more than air was right here in his arms, warm and willing.

He gave in and kissed her, a kiss that was all want
ing and hunger. He dragged her over to the couch, and they fumbled with buttons and zippers, undressing in a frenzy until it was just skin on skin. Yasmine pushed him back onto the couch, climbed on his lap.

The pent-up desire of the past few days apart had them all over each other like starving people, and Yasmine’s naked body was his feast. He devoured her breasts, savoring her hard nipples in his mouth, but he needed more—needed to drink her juices, taste her all over.

He stretched out on the couch and urged Yasmine on top of him with her legs straddling his neck, but she turned around, found his cock as she offered him her pussy. And as he thrust his tongue into her, she took him into her mouth, giving him twice the pleasure he’d imagined, twice the intimacy.

He drank her in until she was quivering against him, but if he let her continue pleasuring him, he’d explode. And so he had to stop. Had to work his way inside her. He lifted her off and sat up, then pulled her onto his lap. In his wallet was a condom, and Yasmine found it before he did, slid it on him, and he eased into her slowly, savoring her sweet tightness.

Cupping her ass, he set the rhythm of her rocking hips, and he watched the pleasure play across her face as he quickened their pace.

Her flesh against him, his flesh inside of her, their shared pleasure—it was perfect. It was what he’d always imagined sex could be with the right woman. This was as good as it got, and more than he should have taken.

Banishing the truth edging in on his fantasy, he pulled her closer and held her face in his hands as he kissed
her through the last delicious thrusts. Her body tensed, tightened around him, and she cried out in release.

His own orgasm came on the heels of hers, almost violent as it shuddered through his body. He clung to her, spilling into her, wishing this closeness wouldn’t end.

When they’d both caught their breath, he kissed her deep and slow, then eased her onto the couch beside him, tucking her against his body, where she fit all too perfectly.

“I’m glad you stopped by,” he said.

She smiled. “I noticed. I like the way you say hello.”

“I didn’t mean for us to get carried away like that, but we seem to have a certain effect on each other.”

“What’s wrong with getting carried away?” she asked, nudging him with her hip.

“Normally, I’m all for it. But I need to talk to you, and I’ve been putting it off too long.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, too,” she said. “I was going to wait until New Year’s Eve, but after what just happened, I think now is as good a time as any.”

She turned her body toward him and sat up on her elbow, looking him in the eyes.

“What’s up?” he asked, fear churning in his gut. What if she was already on to him, and he didn’t get a chance to come clean first…?

“This might sound crazy, but you and me—us, this thing that’s happening between us.” She sighed, smiling as she traced a finger along his lower lip. “I think I’m falling for you.”

The fear in his stomach turned to stone, and suddenly he couldn’t remember how to breathe. The words, spoken aloud, made perfect sense, and he knew in that
instant he was falling in love with her, too. But she didn’t even know his real name, or the impact he’d had on her life.

He’d never meant for it to happen this way.

“I’m falling for you, too, Yasmine. But you have to hear me out.”

Her smile faded. “You sound so serious.”

He sat up and pulled her up with him, holding her hands in his. “This is serious,” he said, then took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I haven’t been honest with you, and I need to explain why.”

“What haven’t you been honest about?”

“I’m not who you think I am,” Alex said.

She expelled a nervous laugh. “What? You’re really a secret agent, infiltrating my life to see if I’m hacking into government computers?”

When he didn’t laugh, her expression went from tentative to concerned.

“Not exactly,” he said.

“Kyle? What the hell does ‘not exactly’ mean?”

Damn it, he hated himself right now.

“My name’s not really Kyle,” he said as he held her hands tighter, hoping she wouldn’t run away, forcing himself to breathe evenly. “It’s Alex. Alex DiCarlo.”

She blinked and shook her head, as if her brain was circling his words, trying to make sense of them. Did his name sound familiar to her?

Did it linger in her mind as a sentence in the worst chapter of her life? Did she ever see his face in her memory, on the witness stand?

Her mind registered the words, and she jerked her hands away, then crossed her arms over her chest.

“Why the hell did you lie to me about your name? Who’s Kyle Kramer?”

“Just a name I made up. I lied because I didn’t want you to recognize me,” he forced himself to say.

“I don’t get it.”

“Do you remember the FBI agent who testified against you during your trial?”

Two vertical creases formed on her brow. “Sort of. I mean, I have a vague memory….”

Her eyes widened as she stared at him. And her mouth opened as if she were about to say something, but no words emerged.

“Do you recognize me now?”

“You’re the one?”

“That was me. I testified against you. I worked on the case and gathered the evidence that helped convict you.” He said the words in a gush of air before he could stop, lose his nerve, forget all about honor and honesty so he could hold on to this woman.

She sprang up from the couch, her gaze searching him for some hint of his old appearance. “You? But you don’t look the same.”

“I grew my hair longer, it got bleached out in the sun, and I got colored contact lenses.”

He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, get rid of that growing look of betrayal darkening her features, but it wouldn’t do any good.

“Why? Why are you here in disguise? Sleeping with me, pretending you’re someone else!”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I lied to you. You were one of the suspects in a case I was investigating before I left the FBI. I had to know if you were really involved, and
I had to know if I’d really let myself miss the facts because of my attraction to you. I’ll admit, there was some desire for revenge involved at first. If you were guilty, I wanted to be the one to prove it, out of some stupid sense of pride.”

“And you slept with me to find out the truth?”

“No. Not exactly.”

“Are you still an agent?”

“No, I was forced to resign six months ago.”

“For your creative investigating methods?”

“I didn’t intend to sleep with you. At least not at first, not until I realized how attracted we were to each other.”

“Why are you all of a sudden coming clean?”

“Because this has become a hell of a lot more than a weekend fling. I know you’re not involved in any illegal activities, and I just want us to have a real chance together.”

“Why the hell are you still investigating me if you’re not an agent anymore?”

“I lost my career over this case. I needed to know the truth—”

“You bastard,” she said, her voice barely controlled as she grabbed her clothes from the floor and started putting them on.

“Let’s not end it like this. Please don’t leave. Stay and talk to me.”

“Still hoping I might know something that could get you your job back? Or are you angling to get another farewell screw?”

“No, I just want a chance to prove to you I’m not a bad person.”

“And then what? We can reminisce about old times?
You can remind me what it was like during the trial? How you were so busy lusting after your sixteen-year-old suspect you could hardly pay attention to the facts of the case?”

“That’s not true. I was just doing my job, and I never let anything interfere with that.”

Finished dressing, she tugged her boots on and grabbed her coat from the rack. “I can’t believe you just slept with me,
before
you told me your big fat secret. What the hell kind of move was that?”

“A damn stupid one. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking with the right head.”

She jerked open the door and turned back to him with fire in her eyes. “Go to hell,” she said. “And when you get there, don’t even think of calling me with a weather report.”

He watched as she closed the door, the weight of failure sitting on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He couldn’t have messed this up any more than he already had. Couldn’t have made things much worse or had any crappier timing.

Damn it, he’d screwed up.

And yet, even in his failure, he felt a tiny sense of relief that he’d been right all along. She wasn’t involved, wasn’t the criminal he’d suspected. He hadn’t let his attraction to her cloud his judgment, as had been claimed. He’d been right.

It was cold comfort.

Y
ASMINE DROVE HOME
with tears streaming down her cheeks, a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel and her foot too heavy on the gas pedal.

She’d been so stupid.

Everything made more sense now. The eerie feeling that she’d known Kyle—Alex, whatever the hell his name was—from somewhere before, his odd behavior at his apartment that first night, as if he was trying to hide something from her, and his midnight use of her computer.

She’d been an utter and complete fool.

She’d let down her guard, had sex with him as though he was the last man on earth, and even let herself start falling in love with him.

With a guy whose name she hadn’t even known. A guy who’d once testified against her. A guy she’d been foolish enough to think could see past her surface, when really he’d been obsessed with the way she looked for a decade.

She should have trusted her instincts. He was just like every other guy who’d been mesmerized by her appearance to great detriment. And maybe she’d brought that on herself, unwilling as she was to change the way she looked. Maybe she liked being pretty, but she hated that no one bothered to look deeper.

When she pulled into the parking spot in front of her apartment building, she couldn’t remember how she’d gotten there. She went to her apartment and undressed without thinking. Went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, undressed and got in to wash off every trace of Alex DiCarlo from her body.

She jerked the shower curtain closed and submitted to the assault of the showerhead’s spray of near-scalding water. She wanted to wash away the past week, wash away the emotions, wash away all the hope she’d managed to build up in such a short period of time.

How she’d let herself be lied to so brazenly, seduced so thoroughly, she couldn’t begin to understand. And how could a relationship built on lies have felt so good and so real to her? How could she have had the feelings she did for a man she barely knew, if it was all lies?

The lengths he’d gone to—changing his name and his appearance, insinuating himself in to her workplace and then in to her bed—horrified her. Her stomach churned, and she closed her eyes as the water sprayed her face, washing away tears.

To think of how far she’d gone in their sexual relationship…. Her face burned as she recalled the peep show. She’d never put herself so far out there, never acted with such a lack of inhibition. Alex had made her feel comfortable enough to do almost anything, and now everything they’d done embarrassed the hell out of her.

She didn’t want to remember any of it.

Old memories crowded out new ones as she tried to picture Alex ten years ago. She’d been so young, so scared, so far in over her head back then. Remembering the time of her trial always brought back a feeling of loss. She’d known she was losing a year of her life, a year that should have been filled with senior portraits, parties, prom, football games—all the normal stuff kids did.