Apples (8 page)

Coochy coochy coo! My first brainwave was where the hell was I? There wasn’t really much room to stretch your buds, but the pipes were full of Burger Kings and strawberry ice cream and it was pretty snug. I imagined coming out to yellow sand and blue skies and a big white palace. It wouldn’t be that long. Every so often in the dark there was sunlight and a few different cocks probed around – it seemed like mammy was a bit of a slag. Gurgling, I kicked slightly then tried to sleep but she always put on Madonna when she was getting nailed, to drown out the sound of groaning probably. Hopefully when I got bigger no boys would want anything to do with her. I grinned and scoffed more draught cherry Coke. It was getting dead uncomfortable – I hoped these boys lying on top of her wouldn’t shift me out of place and miscarry me. Life was going to be so big and exciting, all I could do was float around and wait for the day.

Friday morning was the first sign of it. She coughed up blood in the bathroom, just as I was psyching myself up for my mock exam. I’d been revising the night before, but Biology was really hard and I knew I’d go and lose it under pressure, plus you had the teachers prowling round you in silence like grim reapers. Why so much testing? In the bathroom I watched Mam wash away the red and black splashes with the taps on full-blast, and I felt down. She didn’t want me to hug her because her chest hurt, but I had to. I had to stop shaking. Sniffing, I stood still for about ten minutes and I watched my watch ticking, making me late but I didn’t care. I brushed my teeth while Mam pulled herself together, bent double over the cracked sink. She looked really sick, but I believed her when she said, Thanks, hun. I’m alright now.

I followed her out of the bathroom, then buckled up my school shoes at the top of the stairs, watching in case she collapsed on the way down. I had my Motorola phone ready for 999. But she never. Sitting in the carpet, I wanted to drag my sisters out of bed to keep an eye on her, but Natasha was at Dean’s and Laura needed her beauty sleep before college in the afternoon. Mam was still pretty intent on going to work, and I grabbed my Warehouse bag and asked, Are you going to be okay?

Yeah, don’t worry; it’s happened before, she said, but you didn’t want to hear that. Isn’t it your Science test today?

I nodded as she handed me a pound for my dinner, and I pulled my Duffer top over my head while the sun plopped through the windows. It was startling. My crappy multiple-choice seemed so silly compared to Mam’s bleeding lungs, but I cuddled her again and she said, Best of luck, love. I’m sure you’ll do fine – I’ll be thinking of you all day.

I prayed up to the sky she’d be alright. I glanced again at the heart-shaped watch, then had to quickly throw on my scarf and go for Jenni. Mam said good luck again as I kissed her goodbye, and outside in the freezy sunbeams it seemed horrible to leave her on her own like that. I watched kids and nutters walking round Keith Road at eight in the morning, and no one had a clue what we were going through. I didn’t even tell Jenni about it – I went for her as normal and we waited for the school bus in total silence. For the whole day I felt bad that I hadn’t told my mam I loved her, just in case. It was one of those days that went on for ever. Me and the girls arranged to go out, and with all the stress I was completely desperate to get mortalled. And in the end I felt like I screwed up the module test, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I wouldn’t exactly need to know about peristalsis when I was a famous glamour model, or would I? I got home at about quarter to four after the bus was late and me and Dan got Anglo Bubbly at Easterside Bells, and I found out Mam hadn’t made it into work after all. Apparently she sicked up a load more blood, drove herself to James Cook and had a ton of scans and blood tests and things. Me and Laura and Natasha were watching
Scooby Doo
when she came to sit between us, and you could tell she’d been crying. She told us that when you find lung cancer it’s already past the point of getting it cured. Me and the girls suddenly sat up straight. It was too late to change our plans, but you felt like the biggest bitch in the world going out after news like that. And to cap it off I didn’t even come home, instead sleeping with a boy named Johnny and doing a bottle of Hard. I tried to make it up to her the next night.

You’re a star, Mam shouted as I boiled two cups of tea, but I didn’t feel that special. I whizzed up the teas with two spoons, while Mam made herself comfy in the other room and got the TV on the right channel. We liked watching game shows and stuff on a Saturday night, although we didn’t know many of the answers. Laura and Natasha had a weird way of dealing with bad news, and they went round munching a frozen pizza and waiting for phone calls. That night they were pretty downcast though. I juggled the full cups into the lounge, then bounced onto the sofa and gave Mam a huggle. At about 8:06 I got a text from Claire – she seemed a bit lonely, and she was asking if I was coming to the UGC or somewhere. She reckoned she’d split with Shane again over something or other, but I had too many lost souls to look after. In Year Nine me and Claire had a few daft slumber parties, and I remembered when she first started going with Shane and told me all about his dick and his positions and his noises. It was funny, and it was a little bit after that I started seeing Fairhurst.

Your tea okay? I asked Mam, but I knew all along I was the cup-of-tea queen. She nodded, then we messed with each other’s hair once my phone finished vibrating. Mam was originally blonde like me, but she needed to dye again. Me and Laura only had a couple of years between us, and we had twin faces but her eyes and hair were a lot darker – I’d call it gerbil blonde. Natasha took after our dad, since she was taller and more Scandinavian-looking than all of us. I wanted to ask Mam if she’d told our dad about the cancer yet, but it was too tough to get the words out. He lived in South Bank with his new girlfriend, but she had nothing on his old one. Mam used to be pretty glamorous back when we were getting born – in old photos she looked like Diana Dors or someone like that, and I wondered if she ever did Page 3 or the sixties version of it. Debbie and Claire were always going on about modelling topless, and I imagined having that amazing lifestyle and getting out of Middlesbrough. I wondered what it’d be like going to all the crazy parties and snogging footballers or splitting up marriages. I laughed in my stupid head.

So how did your test go? Mam asked, and I wished she didn’t remind me. My blonde hair fell back to earth, and I sighed on my chest.

Not so good, I replied, and left it at that. I wished sometimes I could be clever as well as adorable – after all your brains last a lot longer than your face. In the end we turned off the quiz shows. We stared through a few adverts, then put on the
Sex and the City
DVD but none of us were in the mood for all that talk of willies and dildos though. Dean came round for a short while, and we considered going out to the Viking but the wind was yelling and I think Natasha wanted to go upstairs for a smooch instead. I couldn’t face Natasha and Mam leaving Beechwood Avenue. I shivered a tiny tornado, picturing me and Laura getting orphaned like in
Oliver Twist
and moving to S/Bank. In all the commotion I started to feel sad, which wasn’t like me – everything was going quite badly that day. I tried to focus on the TV set, hug my mam tighter, but it was a stupid weekend. Some people some places had pretty amazing lives, and they didn’t even know it. I got up to make another cup of tea, but all I could do was swan around with stuff on my mind. The pink security light was blasting through the kitchen window, and as the water boiled I swivelled about in the colour. I could hear Dean and Natasha bouncing the bed upstairs, and Laura and Mam were laughing like idiots in the other room. At least they’d be around in the morning, and there was loads of time left to tell them I loved them. I felt myself tingle. We had a pretty amazing life and I knew it.

I was the boy who left home to learn fear. Instead of getting aggro at home for the loft wank, I wandered to Blockbuster where the Prick worked, stacking up boxes with him the next two nights, but it was fucking torture there and all. The videos got boring by six o’clock, and I made a sharp exit when the Prick went for a coffee in the back. Sometimes your friends aren’t even that friendly, and the Prick was so boring I just couldn’t waste my life flicking through Arnies or Rockys or even the X-rateds. He kept informing me which birds he’d love to put his knob up their bums. I felt crappy waiting for a bus back to Easterside, sitting alone at the top of a double-decker with the town getting ghostly around me. I’d started joining the Prick at Blockbuster after school-time, avoiding my parents but starving to death and just moping around dead depressed. I still hadn’t seen Dad since I put my foot through the ceiling, and it was hard to gauge how cross everyone would be. I knitted my eyebrows all the way back to the estate, undoing my purple tie and hoping to god the night ahead would explode with happiness and lucky stars.

At Burny’s they were all eating pepperoni pizzas, and I had to stand at the door until he was finished at the table. Eventually he came out with a glass of orange and vodka, glugging it while we talked and he nodded me in.

‘You’re early,’ he said, but he wasn’t holding it against me. I laughed nervously then kicked off my school shoes, feeling fucking stupid for being an awkward little devil.

‘Yeah, well I haven’t been home or nothing,’ I said, scratching an eyelid. ‘I’ve been up Blockbuster, but there’s not much going on. What you been doing?’

‘Nowt, just getting ready and all that.’

‘Oh yeah, you haven’t got a shirt I could lend?’

‘Er, yeah, howay up,’ Burny went, charging up the brown staircase. ‘Donna’s here and all.’

I tried to grin when we made it into his room, but it didn’t come out right. Donna looked ace out of her Brackenhoe outfit, but she didn’t really look at me and I felt myself slowly crawling back in my shell. Burny threw a plainish whiteish shirt at me then changed into a sky blue number himself, and occasionally I glanced at Donna who was undressing by the stretch mirror. She tugged off her red sweater without hesitating, then adjusted her boobs in a white bra and slipped on a shiny green halter-neck thing. She had a load of different outfits round Burny’s, and I gazed out the corner of my eye as she changed tops, swapped skirts, and twirled round to pieces of music. It was hornifying. Eventually Donna settled for the green, and I broke out of the trance and hurled on the white shirt in an embarrassed whirl. Burny poured a few cups of absinthe, and I swilled one straight down thinking it was only lime juice. I almost coughed my insides out, and I just nodded when he went, ‘You ready? We might as well get going.’

It was my first night on the tiles. I left a bit of my school stuff on Burny’s floor, then we slipped outside. Donna was kitted out in lizardy high-heels and a bag with her name on it, and it felt good walking around with a girl. I breathed my cheeks full of air, Burny and Donna yelled bye-byes to his family, and we set off into the night.

I shut the door gently four times then chased those two down Broadwell Road, where the dull semis bulged into terraces as the street swept out. Easterside had a fair amount of green space – unlike some other estates which were more cramped and jail-like – although you could still hear the sounds of rogues and screaming girls on the wishy-washy wind. I sniffed up that freezing smell of the night, and a shiver went down my back as the streetlights spun our shadows round and round while we stepped forward. There were knots in my belly about getting into the pub, but there was also some excitement there somewhere and a sexy little feeling in my long-johns.

‘Cheers for bringing me out,’ I murmured, once Burny and Donna stopped swinging and kissing each other. Occasionally couples were annoying, but only when you’re not in one. I caught them up again as we crossed over, and Burny said, ‘It’s alright. We’ll get dead wrecked.’

‘Have you brought lots of money?’ Donna asked, with a glinty look in her eyes.

‘Eh, about fifteen,’ I replied, cars bouncing over speed-bumps at our sides. I was the dictionary definition of a gooseberry.

‘You looking forward to tonight?’ I asked her, but she couldn’t be bothered answering. The Grove was smarter than the Viking, though it had to be done up every time it got torched. It was busier than I imagined but Burny burrowed to the bar, his arms round Donna’s waist like she was a shiny shield. All I got was stares and a brick of paranoia. Often these places were like the OK Corral, except the cowboys in Middlesbrough were all on steroids and dressed in Sherman and trackies. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to drink, so I asked for whatever Burny was having when he got the first round. Me and Donna went into the corner and got some stools by the pool-table, and I found it really hard to say anything to her. We ended up talking about the carpet and the sound-system, and it was a big relief when the drinks came over. I managed to loosen up though the getting drunk part was lined with a feeling of being lonely and bored. Me and Burny had a conversation while pool-balls clattered, but sometimes him and Donna had to go kiss and whisper sweet-nothings, and I felt shitty. I glanced at sexy groups of girls getting pissed, but how the hell were you supposed to go up to them? They were all rowdy bints getting chatted up by blockheads. After a bit more sitting it was my turn to get some drinks, and I paced across the room trying not to bump into anyone. I spotted Dan Williams in the corner with all these wide-boys he knew from school, but we never really talked to each other so I pretended not to see him. Waiting at the bar my tummy was stuttering and I felt panicky, but what an anticlimax – I was expecting to get chucked on the street by bouncers in bomber-jackets for being fifteen years old, but the barmaid just smiled and squirted my pints of lager. She looked about twenty or thirty with dark frazzled hair, and I grinned back but she didn’t fancy me or anything. It was nice to get some bit of recognition though, and walking back to the pool- balls I started feeling better and kept my eyes peeled for anyone I could get my hands on.