Appointment with a Smile (16 page)

Esther took a drink of coffee. “Did you?”

My hesitation was longer than I would have liked. “Maybe I do love art more than anyone. I love art more than I love myself. Perhaps my art is me, and I love that part of me more than any other parts.”

“I’d like you to tell me why you believe you couldn’t have a life with Bethany.”

“first, Molly’s complaint. I love my art too completely. Bethany deserves more.”

“You can’t believe a woman could understand about your art. That’s part of the human condition to want to be the most important part of a lover’s life. But some women can admire and respect talent. Okay. What’s the other reason?”

“Second, I’ll always love Molly. Although I’ve resigned myself to our love being impossible, I can’t ever stop loving her. How is any woman going to accept that, along with being ignored by me and my art?”

Esther slammed her coffee cup against the saucer. “Bethany isn’t just any woman. She’s a woman who has already fallen in love with an artist—an opera singer. And they struggled together for her lover’s dream. For the nearly twenty years they spent together, they shared that hope. They achieved that dream together. Then six years ago, Bethany’s lover was killed in a car crash. That leads me to your second qualm. If you think you can accept the fact Bethany will always love her dead partner, she can certainly accept that your love for Molly can’t end.”

I sat back in my chair. “I didn’t know…”

“I believe you and Bethany just might have a wonderful foundation for love,” Esther said. “You both come with a boatload of baggage.”

I couldn’t remember much else about our conversation. A solemn shadow accompanied me back to my suite. Painting the duration of the day was not only my passion but also my therapy. By late afternoon, I was exhausted.

The telephone rang. I was expecting a change of plans about this evening with Bethany or maybe Fiona reporting gallery business. I hoped that it might be Bethany, and I would suggest a quiet evening of dinner in and conversation.

It was Molly.

“I must talk with you again. If we can arrange lunch for tomorrow, I’d appreciate it. I was unfair and would like to explain.”

“Of course.” My hand gripped the telephone as if it were a lifeline.

We hung up after making arrangements. I sat for a long time staring across the room at Bethany’s portrait.

I didn’t want to navigate my way through a lunch where strained conversation was on the menu. But I also didn’t want to miss an opportunity to rekindle the flavor of life I once knew. I surrendered to the fantasy that I’d once again feel enriched by Molly’s love.

Chapter 28

Having sent a text message to Bethany earlier mentioning Molly’s surprising phone call, I half expected her to break our date that evening. But I needn’t have been concerned. She arrived on time.

“No worries.” Bethany’s arms surrounded me as she entered the hotel suite. “Danielle, there have never been any expectations on either of our parts. You’ve certainly made that clear. I’ve accepted the fact that you have feelings for Molly. And if there might be a chance of reconciliation, I know you would be there in a shot.”

“We aren’t talking about reconciliation. She said she wants to meet for lunch tomorrow. Maybe she wants to leave it on a less final note. A friendship. Or maybe Samantha talked her into it.”

“I find that rather dubious.” Bethany took off her light raincoat and tossed it on the back of the sofa. “It isn’t a problem between us. I’m resigned to the fact you’ll always love her. If it is love to begin with, it remains.”

“Are you talking about Molly or from experience with your lover?”

She looked surprised. “I thought Carrie might tell Esther about Tricia.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’m feeling as though I’m constantly the one in the dark.”

“I didn’t mention it because it always hurts. I’ve chosen not to hurt by not going through it all again. Tricia had been my life for twenty years. It’s taken six years to get to where I am now. And where I am now—well, I’ll always love her. Knowing what a splendid human being she was, I’m aware she would want my happiness.”

“Would it be too painful to tell me about her?”

“No. You’ve divulged your relationship with Molly. I feel I owe it to you to tell you about my life with Tricia.”

The dinner that I’d ordered arrived. Fortunately, Bethany began as if taking the bookmark out and reading her life aloud.

“Tricia and I met twenty-six years ago. We fell in love, lived together. We made every effort to see that she attained her goal of achieving stardom as an opera singer. Great reviews, notices, a couple of terrific CDs. And she had leads in several important operas.

“I’m a people person, and if I say so myself, excellent at what I do, but I have no aptitude for the fine arts. I have enormous admiration for those who possess creative talent.”

“I would imagine Tricia also had enormous appreciation for your support.”

“She was a great deal like you are, Danielle. Compulsively drawn to find her very best. I have a great respect for those willing to give their lives over to their arts. You give a gift to audiences, to spectators, to celebrators, or to lost souls. To all of humanity.”

“It isn’t so much that I’ve been willing to give my life to art. I’ve needed to do so. Tricia probably couldn’t have helped being a singer. She was fortunate in having you at her side.”

“Tricia was so full of life. I was blessed to share her exuberance. Although there were times when I felt left behind, I wouldn’t trade a single day.”

“She sounds like a wonderful person, Bethany. To be with you, she must have been wonderful.”

“I remember the last morning I spent with her. I insisted she take our auto, telling her I would take a cab to the airport. She wanted to do some shopping for my birthday gift. We kissed goodbye, and I told her to be careful. A car filled with teenagers sped through a Yield sign. Our auto was broadsided. Tricia was killed upon impact.”

I reached across the table to hold her hand. “Losing Tricia must have been the worst time of your life.”

She swiped her wet cheeks. “Thankfully, I had Carrie’s support and the support of other friends. For the last six years, it seems as if I’ve been waiting for Tricia to come back. So I know how you feel about Molly. At least Molly’s return is a possibility. Tricia isn’t coming back. But it was so hard. For the first couple of years, I’d see something relating to music in a store and I’d want to buy it for her. Then it would strike me. She’s gone.”

“I’m glad you had people around you who cared for you.”

“Friends and family. Carrie was especially wonderful. Like a younger sister to me.”

“She and Esther have an excellent relationship. I think they’ll visit one another.”

“Travel is nearly all paid by both my profession and Carrie’s travel agency. So I’m sure she’ll be traveling to Denver.”

“And you’ll visit me?”

Bethany smiled. “I’d like that very much. Danielle, we’re all frightened of giving our love. I have been. Until now there hasn’t been anyone I truly wanted to love.”

We were quiet for many minutes. I tightly held her hand in mine. I then stood in front of her and leaned down. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders. We embraced as if we might lose one another if we let go. I was acutely aware of how complete she made me feel.

Chapter 29

It was noon. Same place—Fav’s. Same woman—Molly.

I looked across the table and into her somber brown eyes. We’d greeted each other cordially.

She’d dressed casually, yet with elegance. I’d also dressed casually but didn’t pull off the same sharp fashion look.

Our server brought our lunches of pheasant salad with cranberry vinaigrette

She tasted hers. “Yes. It’s as delicious as I remembered. Since I recommended it, I hope you like it. This is my favorite restaurant in London, as well as my favorite lunch.”

I trickled a dollop of dressing over the variety of herbs and greens and placed the slices of pheasant breasts onto the salad. I took a bite and my taste buds ignited. “This is absolutely the best salad I’ve ever had. Great choice.”

“I’m pleased you like it.”

“We’ve always liked similar things.”

There was a moment’s pause, before she finally spoke. “After meeting with you last time, I realized I might have heaped some cruel accusations on you. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt you. I tried to explain my feelings to you. Certainly not to bring you pain.”

I decided to be honest. “Naturally, I’m wounded. I honestly had no idea there were
problems in our relationship.”

“I didn’t realize you had no idea about what I was experiencing. Even if you had recognized the difficulty, there wouldn’t have been anything you could have done.” She hesitated. “When I got home after our meeting, I spoke with Samantha.”

“Samantha is a lovely young woman. She looks like her mother.”

“How do you know?”

“I saw Pamela’s photographs on the jackets of her books. Their resemblance is close. But when we met, I wasn’t thinking in terms of a book’s dust jacket photo I’d seen thirty years ago.”

“You were right that raising her is the best contribution I’ve made in life. At any rate, she took your side. She thought I’d been heartless in how I treated you. She’s very fond of you.”

“You pointed out my shortcomings. They’re accurate.”

“I knew how much you loved me, Danielle. My intention in seeing you was to give you closure.”

“
Love
you. Molly, I still love you. I might’ve been young and arrogant about the breakup and wrongly placed blame with you. It doesn’t matter who was at fault. It was my responsibility to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I wasn’t successful at continuing on. You aren’t responsible for closure. Your truth is your reality, and you owe me nothing.”

“I should have known how
my
truth would impact you. When I left, I believed I was leaving to make it best for both of us. Maybe so we wouldn’t need to begin battling to save our relationship. There’s agony in that.”

“My parents gave up on their love and their marriage,” I said. “If you’ll recall, I told you I’d never give up. No matter what happened, I would never have left you.”

She suddenly became angry. “Ah yes. I recall how you forever sanctified fidelity and hated betrayal. Do you think your life would have been better if your parents had remained in a loveless marriage? That Samantha turned out as wonderfully as she did was a miracle. I was in a loveless relationship. Believe me, it’s toxic.”

“I suppose it was best that I wasn’t raised by my parents. For many reasons. But I didn’t consider our relationship loveless, Molly. Everyone we knew believed our relationship was good.”

“It might have been good. But it wasn’t great. I opted for great. After I left, I discovered great doesn’t exist. Maybe I shouldn’t have left you. For my own reasons, I did. I regret having left you. Well, I regret everything with the exception of Samantha.”

“I believed you loved me. After you left, I found that reclaiming the innocence of trust was difficult if not impossible. I’ve still never loved anyone as I love you.”

“Nor I you. I did find that perfection is unattainable.” She took a bite of salad but probably wasn’t enjoying the meal anymore than I was.

“I’ll always believe there was only one completely true reason for your leaving,” I said. “You found someone better.”

“Pamela was certainly not better. I found someone who needed me. Emotionally, she was an invalid. You never needed me. You had your art.”

I scrunched my napkin and dropped it on the table. “If I had been needy, would you have considered staying with me? If I had been an alcoholic? Maybe I could have thrown in drugs along with an alcohol problem so that we might have remained together. That would have made me even more pathetic. As well as more like my mother.”

She dabbed at the tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry you went through so much pain.”

“I’m pathetic enough and empty enough to still be experiencing that pain. Did you ever experience hurt?”

“You were the only woman who was ever in love with me and that I was in love with. Have you ever considered the consequence my leaving had on me? But I needed to leave.” She held her left arm out. “The itch is here.” Then she held up her right arm and said, “You only scratched here. You were always a mile from where I needed reassurance. Sadly, you didn’t even realize I had unfulfilled needs. But if you had concerned yourself with my emotional deficits, maybe you wouldn’t have found the depth of your soul that you paint with such eloquence now.”

I picked up my napkin and smoothed it into its original shape. Would that this situation could be smoothed as easily. “Have you ever considered I might have reached success faster with you at my side? I wanted my success for you as well as for me. Instead, my struggle has been a lifetime’s suffering. There were times when I didn’t even want to live. So please don’t insist on playing some guiltless what-if game. I confess I was too preoccupied with my art. I concede I wasn’t delicate enough about my sexuality. I have the feeling that no matter what I changed, it wouldn’t be enough. I begged you not to leave me. And I would have done anything for you. I would have tried to help you with your emotional deficits if I had known they were there.”

Molly poked at her salad. “That was the problem. You couldn’t have helped me. We weren’t on the same path. We lost our way. I didn’t understand your commitment to art. And you didn’t have a clue about my passion for philosophy.” She stabbed a chunk of pheasant with her fork. “We were going in separate directions. Growing apart.”

“Molly, I agree I didn’t get philosophy. I always figured we’re all philosophers. Each individual. One’s own belief system. Not the universal kind that elevates those who espouse other people’s philosophy. But we accepted one another’s chosen fields.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I revered philosophy as much as you did art? Philosophy has saved me. It gave me a way to interpret life. Philosophy is my way of viewing life. When you marginalized philosophy, you marginalized me as well.”