April Loves Black Coffee: First Impressions (46 page)

“Goodbye Sangwoo.” I remove the seat belt. I avoid eye contact with him, committed to making a hasty retreat. 

Sangwoo remains as still as a statue. He waits until I am out of the car before he guns it. The Honda Prelude squeals down the street, whipping its tail around the bend. The race car leaves a cloud of smoke in its wake.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I
am torn and lost. I cannot articulate the emotions trampling on my constricted heart. I want to cry and desperately cling to something that is tangible. My knees feel like noodles as I walk to the apartment. However, with every step, I am unraveling. As I flee, foreboding and ominous feelings course through my system.

Don’t cry May. Hold it together. You are stronger than this!
It cannot be this easy and simple to leave a gang leader. This cannot be the conclusion to the past two months. Why am I feeling this way when I am the one who said goodbye first? I realize with absolved hope that I want more out of Choi Sangwoo. I want him to fight for these feelings. If he is so willing to let me walk out of his life, then there is nothing more we can do for each other. Sangwoo said so himself–he doesn’t want a relationship with me. Inexplicably, Sangwoo has always seen me as Misun. By turning down his initiation contract, I am rebelling against everything that Sangwoo wants me to be. 

By the time I reach the apartment door, the tears are a mess against my hot skin. I close the door behind me, anxious and exhausted. Fortunately, Eunhye is not home from the hospital yet. It is dark, but I manage to stumble into my bedroom. My cold and welcoming bed greets me. A lump of emotion is in my throat. I want to cry, but the tears constrict in my tear ducts. I am out of tears.

The walls feel as though they are caving in. With resolution, I allow the darkness to swallow me up. This is the third night in a row.

M
ONDAY MORNING IS BETTER AND
worse. By the time Tuesday comes around, Lina is less than happy with my decision to cut Choi Sangwoo out of my life. My cousin predicts karma will come back and bite me where it counts. Lina warns me that no one can run away from a gang leader unless he wants them to. Ironically, I am doing a better job than my cousin predicts.

On Wednesday, I begin the hunt for my next job. I consider school as I look for a part-time job. Working two full-time jobs this summer has taught me to prioritize and focus on my goals. I want to graduate early and start my career. I regard it as my self-improvement goals. I scour the local paper looking for part-time waitressing jobs. I end up scheduling an interview at a small restaurant downtown. It is less shady than The Trax, so Eunhye will be happy about that.

On Thursday, I clean the entire house and even manage to squeeze in some time for a jog. Eunhye is amazed by my change of attitude and determination. Things are still tense between us, but Eunhye is too busy working double shifts at the hospital to reconcile with me.

By Friday night, I am slightly stir-crazy. I am surviving post-Sangwoo. The anger, resentment, and bitterness I have for him slowly recede. I realize I
can
go on because Sangwoo brought more misery than joy. Now that I am free from the constant apprehension, I feel liberated and vindicated.

Lina and I make plans to go out. My cousin wants to go dancing. It’s been months since I have gone out with her, so I agree. I am in a blissful mood anticipating a night of dancing and drinks until I receive the phone call. The call belongs to an unknown number. “I want to see you. I need to see you,” he slurs into the phone line–a clear indication that he’s been drinking.

I don’t know what else to do. I should answer him, but I don’t. Choi Sangwoo was so strong in letting me go, so why is he relenting now? By Sangwoo’s own omission, he was determined to end the beginning of us. He likes the idea of us, but the reality can never compare. In the end, I delete Sangwoo’s call and put my phone away.
Out of sight, out of mind.
My intuition already has her dancing shoes on. Choi Sangwoo who?

I
GET BUSY PREPARING FOR
the night out with Lina. I own very few dresses, so I pick a simple black number with a boat neck and sleeveless arms. I have a hard time deciding what to do with my hair, so I let it hang in long tresses. I choose to go with the all black theme and wear dark, liquid eyeliner. When I am done with myself, my outside mirrors my dark, murky insides.

I am hunting for shoes when Eunhye makes her way into the apartment. My mother is still in her blue scrubs. The look on Eunhye’s face is a mixture of surprise and interest.

“How is the job hunt going?” Eunhye’s tone is subdued. 

“I have a couple more interviews lined up.” Since our blowout, Eunhye continues to be short with me.

“Where are you going?” Eunhye finally addresses the elephant in the room.

“I’m going out with Lina,” I reply quickly.

“I would like for you to stay home May.” Eunhye’s tone is slightly harsh.

I close my eyes. I don’t want to fight. “I promised Lina I’d go.”

“May, we need to talk. You can’t avoid this conversation.” The hurt in Eunhye’s eyes resurface. “Have you forgotten your own father? Have you forgotten who I am to you? Have you forgotten what you should do?” I can’t say I don’t expect it, but it takes me a few seconds to realize what she is talking about.

“Why? What for?” It is disrespectful to talk to Eunhye like this, but I cannot help myself. “I thought you promised I would never have to do anything I didn’t want to do.”

“It would just be nice for us to all be reunited. Ever since–” Eunhye starts. Her eyes are wide as if she’s looking for the May underneath all the makeup I have on.

“I don’t want to reunite,” I cut her off. “Can you not bring this up anymore? Do what you want.”

“You better lower your voice, young lady,” Eunhye warns me.

But I am overdue. I am tired of being hustled and pushed into doing people want. “Just leave me alone Eunhye. I don’t want to talk about the end of the month. I don’t want to talk about
her
.”

“I have been leaving you alone! I let you go do whatever it is you want to do. I want you to be happy! But I also just want you to remember–” Eunhye stares at me in disbelief when my cell phone rings.

I cannot do this right now. I am not in the right mindset. I am too angry and hurt. If I don’t stop, I might say something I will regret later. So I answer my phone as a form of distraction. It is Lina on the line. “Hello? Yeah, I’m leaving soon. Give me ten minutes.”

“May . . . don’t leave. Not now.” Eunhye tries to stop me. Her voice is broken. “I was hoping we could spend some time together. You can’t keep avoiding the situation and me. You can’t keep denying it every single year. Sometimes, we have to face the pain and hurt. It’s the only way we can move on.”

“I’m sorry, but you’re right mom. I’m too selfish. After all these years, I’m still too upset. The therapy didn’t work for me.” Without another word, I leave the apartment. 

After all this time, it still hurts and is an overwhelming memory.

“
L
ET’S GET OUR FREAK ON
!” Bryan is shouting at the top of his lungs. He is too embarrassing to be out with. The flamboyant outfit he is wearing doesn’t exactly help either. Why did I decide to do this to myself?

“You lied to me!” I scream into Lina’s ear. My cousin is too lost in her own world to respond. She is busy making make-out eyes with a guy across the dance floor. Lina invited me out, but conveniently forgot to mention that Bryan is tagging along too. Even though Lina and Spyder are over, my cousin still keeps in touch with Bryan. Now, I am stuck on the crowded dance floor with him. In no way, shape, or form am I ever a club girl. It’s just one of those nights where it’s better to be out than to be at home wallowing in misery. It is part of Lina’s idea to get me out of the house, away from Eunhye and Sangwoo. It sounded like a good idea, but now that I am being herded on the dance floor, I am rethinking everything.

Club Groove is a new dance club that opened a few weeks ago. Bodies pack every nook and cranny of the venue. It also doesn’t help that it smells like fresh paint and old money. The venue is extensively designed with a grand dance floor, three fully loaded bars, and scattered seating areas throughout the club. The theme tonight is white and purple.

“Lina, I need to get away from Bryan.” I tug at my cousin’s arm, making gestures at Bryan who is gyrating inappropriately on the dance floor.

Lina doesn’t hear me clearly through the loud hip-hop music in the background. My cousin nods her head and replies, “Yeah. That guy over there wears sneakers and he’s at the bar.”

Huh?
I don’t have time to gape at my cousin. Bryan yanks at my arm roughly. “May! Let’s dance!” He has a large, mouthy grin. Fortunately, Bryan hasn’t brought up what happened last time we hung out. The club only buys me time from his inquisition. Right now, Bryan is in full swing and nothing can stop him.

“Lina! Help!” I scream over the loud music when Bryan drags me deeper into the crowd. The sea of people quickly swallows Lina. Before I know it, I am in the middle of the dance floor. Flashing lights of white, purple, and yellow wash over the bodies around me. 

“Come on May.” Bryan puts his hand down the small of my back. I quickly swat his hand away. The club is deafening loud. The bass of the music hits my chest every time it drops with the whining techno beat.

“What are you doing?!” I squeal at Bryan who starts dancing. The spinning disco ball jerks wildly above the dance floor, showering us with glittery light. Bryan places his right arm on his hip and starts wiggling a finger at me.

Despite all the troubled thoughts I have been having, and the rude-awakening of the conversation with Eunhye earlier, I let out a laugh. It is just a simple laugh, but it does the trick.

The girls who are dancing around us stop to watch Bryan in amusement. Bryan has his attention to me. As foolish as he is, Bryan knows something is bothering me so he goes all out to make me laugh.

“Come on, May. Dance with me!” Bryan places both hands on my shoulders and pushes me side-to-side.

“I’ll show you how you dance!” Forgetting that I am a social turtle, I crawl out of my shell for the first time in a long time.

I am not one of those girls who know their hands from their feet. I am more of an awkward turtle who chooses to bob her head in a simultaneous manner. So there I am on the dance floor causing a scene with silly Bryan. I rock my body to the beat of the music. Bryan comes closer and I turn with him. Our backs press together as we pump our arms up and down. Bryan’s laughing in my ears; he thinks it’s hilarious.

“I’m doing a turn!” I announce over the loud music. As I spin, I catch sight of someone standing near the bar. He is dressed in all black, sticking out blatantly in the club. He is drinking from a black mug in his hands. I can’t tell if he is watching me or not, but the familiarity of his presence is unnerving.

“May!” Bryan bumps into me. I nearly stumble on the dance floor, but catch myself just in time.
Bryan!
I want to shout at him, but I quickly turn back to the bar.

The individual is gone.

My dancing mood vanishes. My heart thuds against my rib cage, seeking release.
Who the hell was that?
My intuition wipes the sweat off her forehead.

“I’m thirsty.” I tap Bryan on the shoulder. Leaving him behind, I push through the crowd of people to find a way out. The girls who have been watching us take the opportunity to pounce on Bryan.

I make it out of the dance floor and scan the area. Lina is occupying a table nearby with make-out boy. He is dressed in a sleeveless white linen shirt, casual blue jeans, and dark sneakers. He’s definitely different from Spyder. I’m not sure if he’s an upgrade yet.

“You feel better now? Letting loose after all that drama?” Lina asks. She offers me a glass of water and then settles back in her new friend’s arms. “This is Kim. Kim, this is my cousin May.” 

Kim smiles at me and I notice the dimples in his cheeks. Judging from the alcohol bottle on the table, he and Lina are reaching their limit.
Isn’t Kim a girl name?
I resign to biting on my tongue. I don’t trust my judgment, especially since I am under the influence. My heart thumps wildly and my face is sweaty from the heat and the dancing.

I gulp the shockingly cold water down my dry, desiccated throat.

“What drama?” Kim asks Lina. He’s a nosy body.

Lina gives Kim a look that lets him know she is not about to get into it. “Let’s dance. I wanna dance now.”

I leave Lina and her boy toy to their own accord. I have a pressing need to use the bathroom now. As I walk by the poolroom’s entrance, it is crowded with people watching a billiards game in action. The line to the bathroom is short, surprisingly. My head spins in a strange, unwavering way. When I am done, I make my way back to the bar to get more water.

The bar is overcrowded. Bodies wrap around its obscure shape. I attempt to get the bartender’s attention, but fail miserably. The flashing lights in the background are not helping either.

A dark figure stands next to me. Without any effort at all, he waves to the bartender. “One glass of water.” Without a word, the bartender scurries to get the order.

My eyebrows crease together. Only one person in this club has such power. A thrill shoots down my spine. “What are you doing here?” I blurt out. Aside from being shocked that the dark crime lord is here, I am also pleasantly surprised. It is a strange mix.