Archaic (17 page)

I would probably only have a week, maybe more, and I still hadn't made my mind up about what I was going to do to stop myself from becoming a killer. Letting the change take place and becoming something I detested wasn't an option, so it only left me with one choice. There was no way I was going to become like Mason and, as far as I knew, there was only one way I could stop it.

My breath felt heavy in my lungs as I exhaled. It wasn't an easy option to think about. I still needed more time to wrap my mind around what I had to do and I needed to do it before I didn't care anymore. I felt the weight of the world on my small shoulders, and I had to carry this burden alone.

Somehow I managed to get a restful night's sleep. Today wasn't going to be easy, because I wouldn't be in some Hue-like emotionless state. I would see how much I hurt Jared and I would feel every emotion linked to it. For both of our sakes I needed to hide my true feelings, but it was easier said than done.

I was still rushing to finish my breakfast when Andrew arrived to take me to school. By the time I made it out of my front door with my school bag in my hand, he was by the passenger side with the door open.

"Hey," he greeted, with his usual smile.

"Hi," I greeted back, trying to portray my usual self while inside I was so nervous and agitated. I got in and he closed the door.

When he got into the car, I was a bundle of nerves.

"You okay?" he asked, taking in my hand that was tightened around the strap of my bag.

"I'm fine."

He didn't seem to believe me, but he shrugged after a few moments and started his car.

I kept telling myself that I'd done everything I could. Jared would keep his distance as well as the rest of the Archaic. There wouldn't be any more attacks by Mason. All of that seemed inconsequential compared to what I had to do before I was too far gone to care. I bit my nail as I tried to contemplate it, but at that moment it was just too much to deal with.

The familiar sight of the school heightened my nerves as Andrew parked his car.

He walked by my side through the entrance. This was really going to destroy my reputation. Three different guys had brought me to school in the last three days. The only good thing was that in less than two weeks I wouldn't care about my reputation, or anything else for that matter.

Stacy and Kennedy raised their eyebrows when they saw Andrew and I walk in together. They didn't say anything but I knew they'd be asking questions as soon as he left.

We were all exchanging greetings when I felt Kennedy tug my arm and point in the direction of the entrance. There was Jared, and attached to his arm was Felicity. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Somehow I kept the heartbreak hidden as my friends scanned my face for my reaction. They didn't have to see it to know that it had hurt.

I couldn't let anyone see how much it affected me, but inside I was falling to pieces. It hurt. My gaze was fixed on them, and nothing could make me look away. She whispered something into his ear and he laughed. In that moment I felt my anger ignite and I wanted nothing more than to hurt her, but I had to smother the emotion. Letting him go had taken away any right I had to be jealous.

It hurt that it hadn't taken him that long to move on to someone else. Just yesterday he'd wanted to kiss me and today it looked like he was enjoying Felicity's company. I turned away from them. It hurt too much to watch. Stacy and Kennedy watched the whole scene closely. Unbelievably, I'd managed to keep my emotions under control, and to anyone who didn't know me I looked unaffected, but my friends knew me too well. Their sympathetic looks told me they knew it had hurt me.

Andrew looked at me to see my reaction and I smiled at him, trying to hide the hurt beneath.

"I've got to get to class. I'll see you later," he said. I nodded and he walked down the hallway.

Before I could do anything, I got hijacked by my friends, who pushed me toward the girls' restroom. Once inside, they both stood in front of me with their hands on their hips.

"What's going on?" Stacy demanded.

"This is worse than any soap opera I've ever watched, and believe me I have pretty much watched them all," Kennedy remarked with an arched eyebrow.

"Nothing," I lied with a shrug.

I wished they would just leave it at that, but I knew them too well. They were going to keep digging until I came up with a good excuse, but the problem was that I didn't have one.

"Monday you came to school with Jared. Tuesday you came to school with Tyler. Today you came to school with Andrew. And I just watched Jared all friendly with Felicity. What's going on?" Stacy asked, tapping her foot on the floor and her hands on her hips.

"I know it doesn't make sense," I said, tightening my hold on the strap of my bag.

"You're right, it doesn't," Stacy added, with narrowed eyes on me.

"I can't tell you what's going on. You need to trust that I know what I'm doing." I was trying to explain as best as I could.

I just needed to be able to hold them off for the next couple of weeks and then it wouldn't matter anymore. Stacy and Kennedy looked at me, turned to look at each other, and then both looked back at me.

"Please trust me," I pleaded one last time, hoping it would be enough to convince them.

There were a few moments of silence.

"Okay," they replied in unison.

I was grateful that I wasn't going to have to explain.

"We trust you, but if you decide to change your mind and you need someone to talk to, you come to us. Do you understand?" Stacy said as she pulled me into a hug.

"Yes, I understand," I said while I hugged her back. Kennedy joined us in a group hug. They were good friends.

We left the restroom and split up to go to our different classes. I felt someone's presence behind me and I turned to see Tyler following me. They were still trying to protect me.

Lunch was the worst part of the day. I sat next to Andrew in the cafeteria. Stacy and Kennedy kept the conversation light. All was going well until I glanced up and saw Jared. He wasn't alone--Felicity was seated beside him. He had her undivided attention, and it made me want to throw up. I could feel the fierce jealously growing within me. I bit my lip to keep my focus.

Nearly every time I glanced over at Jared's table, the two of them were talking or laughing together and it hurt to watch. Jared didn't seem to have any problem moving on to someone else and it hurt. Eventually I couldn't pretend anymore; I needed to get out of the cafeteria.

"I need to get something from my locker," I mumbled as I stood up.

I waved my friends off and walked out of the cafeteria. I had hoped I'd managed to fool Jared into believing my lie, although the way he acted with Felicity, I wasn't sure he cared anymore.

The familiar presence of Tyler followed me as I walked to my locker. He waited patiently while I got the books I needed and he didn't say anything as he followed me to my next class. He was doing his job. He was told to protect me and I understood that.

I wished I could tell them that they were wasting their time. It was too late to save me.

It continued for the next two days. Andrew gave me a lift to and from school. I kept my act together and made it seem as though seeing Jared and Felicity together didn't hurt me. It was easier when I was emotionless, which was happening more often, and when it did it seemed to last longer each time. It increased the feeling that I was going to run out of time.

I knew what I had to do but the thought scared me and I wrestled with the fact that I might not be strong enough to go through with it.

Tyler followed me around at school and he made sure I got to each class safely. The only time I saw Jared was when he was at school and he was always where Felicity was. It was still so hard to watch when I wasn't having an emotionless episode, but kept reminding myself why I was doing this.

Friday afternoon arrived quickly and I was at home finishing up my homework. I would have a break from seeing Jared, which was a relief. I hadn't made any plans to go out because I planned on staying at home for the whole weekend, so I didn't need anyone to babysit me.

Besides, I needed to make peace with what I had to do, because I wasn't going to let myself become a psychopath. I had the weekend to think about how I was going to do it.

Later that day, when I was lying on my bed, I finally thought about what I had to do. It hadn't been an easy decision to make. I had to end my life before I became a monster. I didn't want anybody else to do it, so I needed to do it myself, and I had to do it before I became entirely emotionless, as otherwise I wouldn't care whether I killed someone.

There was stuff beyond my control, but this was within my control. I could stop myself.

An image of my parents smiling at me with the love for me evident in their eyes was enough to make my eyes glisten. Brushing the tears away, I shoved the memory of them aside. I thought about how it would affect Anne.

I couldn't make it harder by allowing myself to feel the guilt of my actions.

In my heart and in my mind, I had to believe that it was something they would get through, or I didn't think I would be able to do it. It sucked. Life at the moment really sucked.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I knew that it was going to be hard to try and kill myself. I also knew that, the longer I left it, the more difficult it was going to become. Like all the Hue characteristics, as time went past, they grew stronger and stronger. It was the same for the healing, and the longer I left it, the quicker I would heal. If I left it too late it would be harder to kill myself and I couldn't let myself lose my conscience before I could go through with it. I didn't want to be stuck living as a monster and having no control over it.

Anne was away for the weekend. She'd made plans to see an old high school friend who stayed in a town nearby.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" she'd asked.

"I'll be fine," I'd assured her. I doubted there was anything out there, human or not, that was more evil than what I was about to become.

I'd practically helped her pack and pushed her out the door, telling her to enjoy her trip. Her absence would give me a break from trying to keep my secret.

While sitting in the kitchen eating a sandwich, my eyes fell to the knife I'd used to cut the tomatoes. For a few minutes I set my half-eaten sandwich down as I kept my gaze transfixed on the knife. It was one thing to think about what I was going to do but to actually go through it was something entirely different.

Something I didn't quite understand propelled me to stand and walk over to the knife. Maybe it was the fear that I wouldn't be strong enough to do it. I picked it up and washed it before I walked upstairs to my bedroom with the knife still clutched in my hand.

I think I was scared of the pain it would entail when I stopped myself and, by confronting it now, I was making peace with the fear so when I had to do it I wouldn't hesitate.

Even though I healed quickly, it wouldn't stop the pain. This was going to hurt.

In my bathroom I put the knife down on the counter and stripped down to my underwear. I picked up the knife and climbed into the bath. I didn't want blood all over the floor of the bathroom.

Sitting in the bath, I held the knife in my right hand and held my left wrist out. I took a deep breath as I felt the knife against my skin. Before I could lose my nerve, I squeezed my eyes shut and cut my wrist as deep as I could.

I gasped.

The pain was unbearable and I bit down on my lip to keep from screaming. Tears of pain squeezed from my eyes and I opened them to watch the blood flow out of the deep cut on my wrist and onto my stomach. Hesitantly I lay back in the bath and closed my eyes.

One deep breath in and one breath out, I was trying to breathe through the pain. I began to feel lightheaded as the blood poured from the cut, and I became weaker. Despite the pain, I felt a weird relief that I would be strong enough to do this properly when the time came.

"Ava." It was Jared. I sat up, my right hand covering the cut as I held my breath, hoping he'd think I wasn't home. Then I remembered the tracker. He would know I was here.

What the hell was he doing in my house? He shouldn't be here.

I tried to get up but I felt my head swim. He knocked on the bathroom door.

"Ava, are you in there?" he asked. I tried to keep quiet so that he would go away, but I accidentally knocked the knife that was lying on the side of the tub into the bath. The metal against the bath made enough noise to alert Jared to the fact that I was in the bathroom.

"Ava, are you okay?" I could hear nervousness in his voice.

"I'm fine," I replied as calmly as I could even though my heart sped up with the fear of being discovered. "Go away."

There was a minute or two of silence and I thought he might have actually left.

"Open the door," he said in a firm voice. He didn't believe me.

My wrist throbbed and I bit down on my lip to help deal with the pain. I had no idea how much blood I'd lost, but I felt so weak.

"Go away," I said with a hoarse voice as panic set in.