Are You In The House Alone? (plus: Love Me) (11 page)

CHAPTER 6

So, Ryan became my very first
boyfriend. And though we did a LOT of kissing that day (Tons!!) it wasn’t
something we went around doing on a regular basis. I mean, after that day we
were actually kind of shy about it. But we went on to do a lot of holding
hands, and he suddenly was amenable to do anything I wanted—
anything
—whenever I wanted. No more
making me wait for a timer to go off.

He was very sweet and made me
birdhouses and stuff all the time. (He’d make things like that in Boy Scouts,
and then bring them over to me with poems. Poems!!) He was a very wonderful
boyfriend and I was filled with happiness and in heaven.

Then once, we were on his bed,
wrestling around having a tickling fight (I think we were thirteen by then). I
was on top of him, getting him good, then I jolted back, shocked, and truly
alarmed.

“Something moved!” I gasped.

Ryan laid his head back. He sort of
laughed, “Yeah, me.”

“No, in your
pants.”

“Yeah me, my dick.”

My eyes widened, huge. “It
moves?”

“It does that when it’s
happy—and when it gets attention. You were giving it both.”

I stared at the bulge, mystified.

He raised his eyebrows. “Do you
want to see it?”

“No!”

His eyes twinkled. “It kind of
seems like you do.”

“Well, I don’t.”

I eyed it again, still mystified,
“Is it going to be okay?”

He grinned, “If you stop staring at
it.”

CHAPTER 7

So, that was
that
day. But the next time it happened (well, the next time that I
noticed
that it happened) it did it
while we were kissing.

I jumped away from him, startled.

“I’m going to go,” I told him
quickly and
ran
out of his room.

I waited out in our car for my mom
to finish cleaning,

Ryan texted me:
“I
wasn’t going to
attack
you with it, Lexi.”

I didn’t text him back.

Instead, I texted with this boy I
was doing a science project with—Devin. He
kept
texting me, everyday—constantly. Ever since he became my
partner he was obsessed with me. Well, not in a
bad
way, not exactly. Normally, it was just a little bit baffling.
But while I was in the car, I was grateful for his continual babbling, because
I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened up in Ryan’s room.

… or stop thinking about all the
conversations I could hear his mom sternly having with him about
me—behind closed doors, when she thought I couldn’t hear.

She was always talking like were
going to have sex.

And have babies.

CHAPTER 8

The next day I told Ryan I wanted
to break up.

He leaned his head back against the
locker. “Yeah, I figured that,” he muttered. “Since you didn’t answer any of my
texts.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, wincing.
Turning white as a ghost. “You’re really breaking up with me? All guys have
one, Lexi. Even that dufus, Devin.”

I bit my lip, hurting just as much
as him. Probably even more. But his mother’s words haunted me. “We’re too
young, Ryan. I’m not ready.”

“I don’t feel too young. I feel
ready,” he said.

“I know,” I whispered. Then I
ran
from him. Literally. I ran to my
next class and I turned off my phone so I wouldn’t get his texts begging me to
change my mind. Because I knew I would. But I didn’t want to ‘ruin our lives’ …
and Ryan’s mom was sure that we would.

I just needed time to … I don’t
know what.

Digest?

Grow up?

???

CHAPTER 9

After I broke up with Ryan, he
started flirting with girls. Constantly. It huuuurt. So bad.

I would look up in the school
hallway and find him watching me from across the crowded corridor. Whenever he
caught me noticing, he wouldn’t look away, not even slightly. Sometimes he
would wince, but never look away. Instead, with his eyes still on me, he’d kiss
the girl that was with him (and a girl was
always
with him now—always). He would kiss them, like to prove to me—he
could get another girl, easy. Or maybe it was more to prove to me that I missed
his kiss. Because I did. Everything inside me would shrivel and die every time
I saw him kiss a girl.

Once he even called me on it. He
texted:
“You looked like you were going to faint while you watched me kiss
Kara.”

He said the “watch me” part like as
emphasis—I would
watch
him kiss
girls, my heart aching and yearning. But yes, I’d watch. Couldn’t take my eyes
away from him any more than he could take his eyes from me. Sometimes he would
raise his eyebrows afterwards, as I just stood there, staring.

That always snapped me out of my
heart-wrenching daze—his eyebrows going up, as though to say, ‘You’re
watching me, Lexi.’

When I didn’t text him back about
his remark about me almost fainting as I ‘watched’ him kiss Kara, he texted
more:
“I only kiss them to get you jealous. It seems to work though.”

When I didn’t text him back, he
wrote more:
“Are you only hanging out with that dweeb Devin to get me jealous?”

When I still didn’t answer he
texted:
“Well, if you are, it’s working … even though he’s a dweeb.”

Then he texted:
“He
has a dick too, Lexi.”

After a moment, he added:
“He
wants to use it, Lexi. Don’t let his dweebie-ness fool you.”

CHAPTER 10

Even after we broke up, Ryan would
make me come while my mother cleaned.

His mother arranged it, but I know
he had her do it. Every Wednesday while my mom was at their house, I had to
speak French with Ryan.

“It’s for practice,” his mother
told my mom. “Ryan needs the constant conversation—and they flow well
together, don’t you think?”

She paid for me to
come—calling me his ‘tutor’ … though Ryan was in my French class, and
better at it than me.

One day, he had his latest girl-toy
over when I got to his house. “Oh, it’s your ex-girlfriend,” the girl exclaimed
to Ryan when she saw me in the doorway, watching them kiss, pale and tortured,
and hurting. (The scene would haunt me forever. Until the day I died. Him
fervently kissing another girl.)

Ryan’s eyes darted to me and he let
go of the girl, like pushed her away. “You need to go now,” he murmured to her.

“Why?” She seemed wounded. “You
said she helps you with your French?
I
can help you with your French.” She kissed him on the mouth with a smile,
purring, “—French
kissing.”

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut. “You
really have to go, Maddie.”

“Fine,” she snapped. “You called me
Lexi earlier anyways—so maybe don’t call me anymore.”

He ran a hand through his hair.
“Okay.”

Maddie froze. Like, stopped in her
tracks. She whipped back to him looking stricken. “You’re not going to call me
anymore?!”

He shrugged. “Not if you don’t want
me to.”

“I
do
want you to.” She was almost crying.

His jaw muscles ticked. He glanced
up to the ceiling a moment, then back to her welling eyes. He winced.

His voice came out soft and gentle,
“Look, we’ll talk later, okay?”

She glared at
me
, like it was my fault he wasn’t begging her to stay and
‘French kiss.’ And like it was my fault it sounded as though he was going to
break up with her—though they couldn’t actually ‘break-up’ because they
weren’t even exclusive, not by a long shot. She was just one of the many toys
on his shelf. (He had
tons
of toys.)
(Too many to keep track of.) So her saying she didn’t want him to call her
anymore had probably been a relief to him. Which was not her desired
effect—obviously.

Still, he walked her to the door,
but stepped back when she tried to kiss him goodbye. Again, she looked
stricken. And again her eyes darted to me, and narrowed. Like this was my fault
too—that he didn’t kiss her. Ryan maneuvered his body between our field
of vision, so she couldn’t kill me with her eyes.

Even though I couldn’t see her
anymore, I could hear her voice tremble as she squeaked out, “I thought you
liked me Ryan.”

He ran a hand over his face looking
uncomfortable, but didn’t seem to be able to speak—or know how to
verbally communicate, ‘I was just playing you.’

But she seemed to get the message.
She sobbed and ran away.

When she was gone, we were silent.

My heart twisting, I murmured, “That
was callous.”

Ryan gave me a tiny look, “Well,
that’s me these days.”

As we dutifully switched over,
speaking in French—him telling adorable stories—my heart
dying—I just blurted out, interrupting him:

“Why do you make me do
this?—come here?” I asked him, tortured. (I mean, I’d
just
saw him kissing another girl.)

He looked into my eyes. “I want you
here. I like you, Lexi. Even if you don’t like me.”

I could barely manage to choke out,
“I
do
like you.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I know.”

“But I don’t want to come here
anymore.”

His jaw muscles ticked. “I know.”

“So will you stop making me?”

He shook his head slowly, his eyes
staring into mine. “No.”

CHAPTER 11

As Ryan left for his fencing
practice, he told me, “I’ll be thinking of you every time I get stabbed in the
heart.”

He said it with a wink and a weak
grin—in French of course.

But his mom understands French.

She heard him say it as she ushered
him and their driver out the door, hurrying them along as they were late. Then
she turned to me. “May I speak with you a moment, Lexi?”

She had me go into her office. I
sat at the desk across from her, shivering slightly.

“I take it you and my son have had
some sort of falling out?”

I nodded, unable to speak. (The
woman intimidates me.) (Also, she loves her son, of course, so I knew she
wasn’t pleased that I’d hurt him.) (Also, I was worried I was going to burst
into tears—since it hurt that we had a “falling out.”) (It hurt very,
very bad.)

She sighed. “He’s not faring well
without you.”

Then she added quickly,
“—however, certainly don’t take that to mean I want the two of you back
together the way you had been. Far from it. I think he would be better off with
distance from you.” She clasped her hands together. “Lexi, I have a proposal
for you. You love to ride horses—correct?”

I nodded.

“There’s a boarding school in
Connecticut. It’s close enough that you could see your mother on
weekends—on occasion. The school has horse stables, and a prestigious
dance curriculum. I will provide the tuition for your room and board—and
dance and riding lessons as well. On the condition you stay away from my son.”

I blinked at her. I was
trying
to stay away from him.

She mistook my stunned silence for
hesitation. “It would be a wonderful experience and opportunity for you—one
that your mother could never afford to give you. But I am truly fond of your
mother—and you, Lexi. You’re a sweet, compassionate girl. I wish you no
ill will. In fact, I wish you happiness and success. You should take this
opportunity, Lexi. And see it for what it is—a fortuitous opportunity.”

***

I took the “opportunity.”

After all, I
did
really, truly see it as an opportunity. It hurt to see Ryan
flirting with girls—even if it was just to get me “jealous.” It worked. I
was jealous. My heart ached seeing him with other girls. And being without him.
But I felt it was for the best. His mother was right—we were too young
for the stuff we were quickly getting into. Plus, (sadly) Ryan seemed to be
doing just fine without me. Plenty of girls seemed to be more than willing to
give him skanky stuff. They seemed eager, in fact.

Plus, there was this other issue
that had me wanting to leave—Devin. He was turning worse than clingy. He
was mega, royally obsessive. It had me disturbed and uncomfortable.

Ryan too—apparently.

He even stopped me in the school
hall to warn me about it one day. “Lexi, the dude is stalking you. He walks
past your classes, and watches you through the windows.”

I shuddered. Visibly.

Ryan saw me do it. It made him
squint his eyes. “Is he giving you troubles, Lexi?—do you want me to beat
him up?”

I sighed, “No, don’t worry about
it. It’s going to be fine.”

‘Cause right then I decided, for
sure—I was going to go to that school. Devin was giving me the creeps and
Ryan was breaking my heart and the boarding school had horses and dance
lessons. And although it was an all-girl school, at the moment I would take a
horse over a boy any day.

So, I went to the school … without
telling Ryan about it. It was a condition his mom made with me—she didn’t
want him to know she had anything to do with me going away.