Arizona Allspice (37 page)

“I’m going dancing, too,” she announces. “Peace.”

I wave glumly. She turns around to sternly say, “And don’t
ever
do that again.” I smile angelically and nod. She rolls her eyes with an almost imperceptible smile on her lips and walks out into the night.

******

 I curl up in Manny’s bed with his notebook computer in my lap. The house is quiet. Uncle Frank is out joyriding in his rented Firebird for all I know. I search the Pima County Jail website to find out when the family visiting hours are. The simple webpage informs me that visitation takes place only once a month with a limit of two people per visit. That sheriff or whoever sets the rules for that jail is a criminal himself for only allowing one visit per month. It means we only have one chance to visit Manny: next Thursday. Which of us should visit Manny?
Uncle Frank and I?
Or Joey and I?
My mind settles on Joey. I’m mad at him for being a jerk and tricking me this evening. He said we would watch a movie or talk and then his mother came in and he scammed me into
cuddling
with him. At the same time I am worried about him. He did have a panic attack today.
His first one.

Dad used to have panic attacks. That’s why I knew how to handle the situation. In my dad’s own words, a panic attack feels like a heart attack and asphyxiation happening to you at the same time. And every time it happens, you feel like it’s your final moments. I was a little hurt when Joey said he couldn’t look at me and screamed at me the moment my hand touched him. Hurt enough that I forgot he was saying irrational things because he was having a panic attack. I’m just used to my father allowing me to comfort him so it really bothered me when Joey lashed out at me. It made me jump, too. Joey is a strong guy and he’s uncontrollable when he’s emotional. He’s correct. Everyone does have a small fear of his anger. He’s incorrect to think his friends only stick around because they’re afraid of him. They stick around because he’s a cool person despite his anger problems.

An image of Raul’s bruised shins comes to mind. When Raul’s team, La
Tormenta
, went against
Las
Chupasangres
, Joey’s team, he would come home with black and blue shins. Joey was doing it on purpose, but Raul didn’t want to seem like a punk and complain to the ref so he’d take it most of the time. He and I both thought it was Joey being a sore loser. I can think of some other motives for his actions now. I want to call Raul. Is it wrong to call him? It’s not wrong to see how he’s getting along. Why hasn’t he called me to see how
I’m
doing? He’s probably just ashamed. I intended to call and thank him for telling the cops the truth, but never did get around to it. I search for my cell phone and find it buried beneath the blanket. Raul is still number 3 on my speed dial. I press down ‘3’ and put the phone to my ear. It rings four times.  

  
“¿
Qué
?”
A man barks into the phone. I’ve never heard this person answer Raul’s phone before“Sorry. Wrong number,” I saybut I know exactly who it is.

Why didn’t Raul tell me? Didn’t he know I was here? I’ll
always
be there for him. I promised him that. He could always talk to me and he told me what he’d
do
to that man if he ever came back. “He’s gonna kill him,” I whisper.   

The wind rushes past my face and whistles in my ears as it blows through the hollows of my hoop earrings. Shrubs and trees take on ominous forms in the darkness. Displaced stones scattered along the trail dig into my boots as I run. The trail is faster than taking the street. I run with my hands clenched tight until Raul’s trailer comes into view and I halt in the shadows. I hold my breath so that all I hear is the buzzing of the yellow light bulb that shines above their front door. As if surrendering to the power of my will, the light blinks off. Someone in the house has decided to call it a night. I will them to go straight to their room and fall asleep immediately.

I wait a few minutes to be safe and then I walk towards the direction of Raul’s bedroom window. Half way there I see movement in a lawn chair under the awning. I freeze and search the dark with wide eyes. My eyes are playing tricks on me. Nothing is there. I step quickly to the end of the trailer. I wipe the drying tears from my face with the back of my fists. I tap on his window with my knuckles, five times in quick succession.

“Raul!” I say a bit too loudly when the curtains part and his face appears. He smiles and then pushes the window up and open. “Raul,” I whisper, “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call me?” My whole body is trembling.

He shakes his head, not knowing how to answer. His jet black hair is messy atop his head and his dark brown eyes aren’t the same as I remember, not as soft.  

“
Here.
” I empty the contents of my hands into his. He eyes the steel rings in his hand blankly. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I brought those. I just want to help you.”

He jangles the rings around in his hand. “I won’t need these.” The rings glint in the faint light of the half moon. “I’ve been sleeping with
abuelo’s
gun under my pillow.”

Tears burst from my eyes.
“No, Raul,
no
.
I don’t want another person I care about locked up. I’m begging you. Don’t kill your father. Don’t throw your whole life away.”

“I won’t have to do anything with it if I can get Mateo and
I
out of here like I planned.”

“You can
come
stay with me.”

“That’s not far enough, Elaine.”  

“You’re right.” I shift my weight nervously from foot to foot. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’ve got this aunt upstate. It’s his sister. She knows he’s worthless. I’m going to take the Greyhound bus there and I’m taking my brother and I don’t care what happens to my mom anymore. I need to get it through my head that she don’t care about us so why should I worry ‘bout her? He might turn on her when he finds out we’re gone.” He slips a ring on his finger and then slips it back off. “But all I can do is hope she survives it.”

“How are you getting to the station?”

“Marisol might be able to work something out.”

“Might?” I ask alarmed. He asked Marisol for help and all he got was a
maybe
? “Forget that. I’m giving you a one hundred percent guarantee right now that I’ll be here to take you and
Teo
wherever you need to go, whenever you need to go.” He nods slowly. His messy hair falls all over his forehead and I fight the urge to fix it, to run my hands through it like I always did. “I don’t want you staying here any longer, Raul.” My voice breaks. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” Raul reaches out of the window and cups my face in his hands.

“No one will get hurt. I promise I’ll be careful.”

“When can you leave?”

“I still have arrangements to make. I’ll call you when we’re ready.”

“But how will you call me without him knowing? I called and he answered.”

“I’ll find a way to tell you.” We gaze at each other. Our eyes mirror the other’s concern. Raul leans forward across the window sill. I meet him half way. In the middle we rest our foreheads together and I shut my eyes.

“I’m scared,” I confess.

“Don’t be.
Murciélagita
, you’ve always been able to fly me right out of this place.”

Somehow I found my way back home through the sinister night.

******

I woke up this morning yearning for my ex-boyfriend. I’m having second thoughts about breaking up with him and I don’t know where this is coming from. Not from a place of reason, obviously. Since morning all I’ve been able to think about is him.

My thoughts were becoming extremely annoying. If anything, Joey is distracting. I adjust my maroon corduroy vest as I walk towards Joey’s house which is near the heart of the development. I’m not wearing a shirt under the vest. It’s too hot. The time being 3 P.M., the Arizona sun is beating down full force. I didn’t want to call and ask Joey if I could come over because that would make me look pathetic. I figured I’d just drop by unannounced and say I was taking a walk and decided to check on him. I arrived at the door and turned the doorknob. It was unlocked so I walked right in like I usually do if I come pick him up to go to therapy. But today was Saturday. He had no therapy today. It wasn’t a normal Take Joey to Canyon Outpatient day so I shouldn’t have followed my usual routine. Otherwise, I would never have stepped into the house just in time to see Amelia and my uncle locking lips in the kitchen.

I almost trip over my own jaw on the floor as I watch my uncle and Joey’s mother kissing so intensely they hadn’t heard me walk into the house. My legs begin moving backwards. Maybe I can sneak back out of the house without them seeing me. Then my cell phone rings. All three of us jump and stare at each other flabbergasted. The only sound is the loud chiming of my phone which I am too stupefied to turn off.

“Um, what are you doing here, Elaine?” Uncle Franks asks.

“I was
,
I was looking for Joey. I’m so sorry. Oh gosh. I’m sorry Miss Amelia. I just walked right into your house. I’m so stupid. I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Elaine. We should have been more careful,” Joey’s mom assures me. My phone keeps ringing in my back pocket.

“I’ll just leave you two…” I trail off and start heading to the door.

“Wait,” Miss Amelia calls.

“Yes?”

“Joey’s at the field. Please don’t tell him about this. I know him. He can’t take this kind of news right now.”

“Of course.
Okay. Bye.” I quickly step out the door and bound down the front steps. My phone is still chiming. I pull my cell phone from my back pocket. It’s Joey. Does he have impeccable timing or what? My shoulders slump with the weight of this additional secret.

“Hello?” I answer, trying to sound upbeat and normal.

“Um, hi, it’s Joey. Are you okay? You sound…tired.”

He can still hear it in my voice? “I’m fine. I’m just worried about a friend of mine. What are you doing at the soccer field? You’re not supposed to be doing anything soccer related. Remember?”

“How did you know I was at the soccer field?”

“Your mom told me.”

“Well, it’s my body. I know what it can handle and what it can’t handle.”

“Tell me you didn’t try to do one of your awesome overhead kicks or something.”

“No. I sat morosely in the grass and watched the lucky people play.”

I frown. “Good.”

“What’s going on? Are you having secret conversations with my mother?”

I respond with a tired laugh because it’s true. “Why the
phone
call?”

“I was walking home and I thought I’d drop by. Your truck is here so I thought you were home. But you weren’t. So I declared I would wait for you forever. But after two minutes I got annoyed. So I’m calling to complain.”

I smile.
“Uh huh.
Sorry, but you’ll have to wait two more minutes. Bye.”

“I will not!” Joey huffs. I hang up and stick the phone in my pocket. When I reach the house Joey is sitting on the front step wearing a baby blue soccer shirt and black soccer shorts, tapping his foot impatiently. He sees me and his foot stops moving. I pause because of the look he’s giving me. I laugh it off and start walking towards him again. His eyes keep falling onto my bare shoulders.