As It Is On Telly (21 page)
Authors: Jill Marshall
The studio itself was a complete let-down. What Bunty had always imagined was actually someone’s cosy living room with odd acres of space surrounding it turned out to be an aircraft hanger with a couple of sofas in one corner.
Pearl and Finn, however, were even more magnificent in the flesh, with the same easy banter that was so evident on the screen, and which Bunty now shared with Dan. She listened, bemused and bedazzled, as Pearl listed her IVF treatments to her while discussing Charlotte, as cameras whirled by and one of the men behind a monitor said, ‘In ten.’
‘Yes, so after the whole turkey-baster thing wasn’t going to work, we decided in for a penny, in for a pound, and I booked in with the top gynaecological person in Harley Street, but could I find a woman? No …’
‘Five, four …’ said monitor man, holding up three fingers, then two.
‘… and I really don’t want a strange man staring up my crotch and …’
One finger. They were on.
[PLAYSCRIPT]
Pearl
: Welcome back, everybody. We’re here on the sofa today with our brand new feature, ‘Drains for Dames.’ We’ve got Dan, Dan the Drainage Man – give the ladies a wave, Dan.
Finn
: He’s very handy with a plunger, ladies.
Pearl
: Now, Finn! And with him, to demonstrate that we women can sort out our own plumbing … Finn! … is Dan’s lovely assistant, Bunty McKenna. And Bunty, you’re really his assistant, aren’t you?
Bunty
: (
grinning
sheepishly
) Actually I’m his apprentice, so it’s all set up through the Enterprise Agency, and I go to college on day release to learn the ropes properly.
Dan
: I keep telling her it’s pipes, not ropes.
Finn
: Oh. Like to handle the ropes, do you, Bunty?
Bunty
: I have to handle all sorts in my job, Finn.
Pearl
: Now, while Finn stops giggling … Finn … we’re going over to Dan’s Drains corner where we’re going to learn … What is it today, Dan?
Dan
: Today, Pearl, we’re going to clear out a U-Bend.
Finn
: Do you do U-bends too, Bunty? Oh … sorry … (
folds
up
with
laughter
)
Pearl
: We were just talking about U-bends off camera, weren’t we, Bunty? Okay, show me what to do.
Bunty
: Well, the first thing to do, ladies, is to find your stopcock. Finn! You need to turn off your water.
Pearl
: (
leaving
them
demonstrating
) We’ll be back to see how Dan and Bunty are getting on later in the show. And now, back to the sofa. Don’t forget that tomorrow we’ve got Ryan from Farradays Finance for those pension tips. Join us after the break.
*
As the adverts ran, Pearl grinned her familiar toothsome smile at the pair of them. ‘Dan and Bunty, you’re naturals. I think you’re going to go down a storm.’
‘Don’t you mean a storm drain?’ chipped in Finn.
‘Finn …’ they said in unison.
Bunty beamed. It was a dream come true – literally, in some respects, and in other ways, a dream that she’d never even known she had. There was only one thing left.
Surprisingly, even Graham got used to the idea after the fourth or fifth sighting of Dan’s van had started to cause suspicion. ‘You sure there’s nothing going on there?’ he asked over the fence, one Saturday, several weeks later.
‘There’s nothing going on anywhere, with anyone,’ said Bunty firmly. ‘Just working. Does it make me a bit more interesting?’
Graham stared at her, his ears turning pink. ‘You have a seriously weird idea of interesting.’
Must be spending too much time with Charlotte, mused Bunty. Great. ‘You can talk,’ she ventured a little cheekily. ‘Mr I-love-things-on-spreadsheets.’
‘I love things on bed sheets as well,’ said Graham, ‘but the financial ones were the only things I could get into for quite a while. I’m hoping that’s going to change. Soon.’
‘What does … oh, Graham. What does that mean?’ Bunty didn’t really want to know, but she had to ask. His new-found TV career and honed physique could probably get him laid at the drop of a Personal Equity Plan.
‘Just … you know. I’ve joined one of those dating things. Thought you should know. Mypeople.com, number 45620.’
‘You’re …’ Bunty started to cry. ‘You’re really moving on?
Graham took hold of her hand across the fence to stop her crying. ‘Well, I can’t stay here for ever. The sex is driving me mad.’
‘You … you pig!’ Bunty wrenched her hand away. ‘You’re having sex already?’
‘Not me. Them,’ said Graham, nodding back towards the house. ‘Mary and Mallory. It’s awful. And sort of amazing. I hope we’re still at it like that in our seventies.’
And with a quick peck of her hand, he ducked below the fence line and disappeared.
Bunty stared at her hand for a very long time, a maelstrom of fear and elation swirling beneath her breastbone. Hang on, she thought. He’d been very specific about that dating site. She ran inside at breakneck speed and turned on the computer.
‘Come on, come on … There. Mypeople. Yes, I’ll pay. Credit card details. Yes, yes, oh bloody hurry up! Yes! Number … what did he say … 45620.’
And suddenly she started to laugh and cry, both at the same time, much to the consternation of Charlotte who was watching something terrible on MTV. ‘Are you all right? Have you see this woman’s outfit? Can I have ten quid, I’m going to the movies with Saffron tomorrow night.’
Bunty laughed louder. ‘Have twenty. Stay out for ages. I’ll be out anyway, I think.’
Charlotte shot upright. ‘Who with? Not like a … a date?’
‘Yes,’ said Bunty. ‘With this man here. I think you’ll like him.’
She and Charlotte read the advert together.
*
‘Totally bloody boring accounts person, looks like Shrek, never been in band or sailed boats or done anything remotely interesting other than marry a fabulous woman and have a marvellous daughter.’
‘WLTM short dark woman who looks and thinks like a pantomime Peter Pan, works in drainpipes, preferably with a marvellous daughter. Looking for a date for Valentine’s night.’
‘All right,’ said Charlotte, ‘I’ll let you.’
‘Thanks,’ said Bunty. And together they worked out how to send Graham a mighty big smile.
*
From: [email protected]
To: Unnamed recipient – all clients.
To whom it may concern,
Please be aware that the Croesus Club referrals agency will cease to operate as of this Friday, 17 February. The sister agency, Croesus Club NZ, will begin on Monday 20 February, as I am going to join my new partner, Ben, that weekend.
All outstanding monies will be deducted from your credit cards forthwith.
It’s been lovely working with you,
Priscilla.
From: [email protected]
Cilla, you poor bugger. Good luck with that!
Bunty, Graham and Charlotte x
