As You Are (14 page)

As I walked up to the table in the bar, Gabby was lost in her thoughts, looking out over the dining room. I guessed the heavy rain was going to have us eating in the bar so we could still smoke.

“Boo,” I said, grabbing her arm. She screamed and grabbed onto the table as she lost her balance in the chair.

“Asshole,” she said, taking a swing at me. I dodged her fist and made a dash for my side of the table, laughing hysterically. “That's not funny. Jesus.”

I tried to catch my breath and stop laughing. “I'm sorry.”

She was beginning to laugh at me laughing at her. “Fucker.”

The waitress came over, shaking her head at us. She told us the specials, and we each placed our order and watched as she made her way back toward the bar.

“You seem much…better.” Gabby watched my face intently, as if looking for the hairline porcelain cracks hiding just under the surface.

I lit myself a ciggie and leaned back into my chair. “I'm fine. It's over now, and I can get on with my new life with Andy.”

She slowly lifted her glass and took a sip from it. “So you're still going on with that?”

“Why not?” I asked a little louder than I meant to. I took a quick puff, settling myself, and added, “Danny doesn't want me, but Andy does. Why should I let this minor bump in the road derail that?”

“Minor bump?” Gabby sat up in her chair and leaned forward. “Julian—”

“I really don't care to discuss it.” I cut her off. “I've made my decision.”

She leaned back in her seat and shook her head at me. “The way you compartmentalize everything frightens the shit outta me.”

I smiled, but I could tell by the look on her face she was worried I was going to snap at some point, taking countless innocent bystanders with me. I told her about the conversation I'd had with Andy, along with the note from Danny. Gabby was surprised, and I realized that in all the drama, I'd neglected to tell her my mother was coming. I asked if it was okay if we brought her to the dinner party.

“Of course I don't mind. I love your mother.” She readjusted her position in the chair.

“With Mom in town, I don't know how much help I'm going to be with your party.” I took another puff off my smoke.

“Who asked for your help?” she said indignantly and took a sip from her martini. “I'm going to do this all by myself.”

“Oh sure.” I rolled my eyes. “So who are you getting to cater?”

She finished off the last of her martini. “I am cooking. There will be no caterer. I am doing it all myself.”

I turned my cigarette in the ashtray, knocking off the loose ashes. “You can't even make mac and cheese without burning it.”

“Funny. I'm going to make a meal that will knock you on your ass. It's just food. I can do this.”

I looked at her, worried. The waitress had returned and placed our salads in front of us. “I'll make sure we eat a little something before we come over.”

“Bastard.” She smiled at me. “I can do this. I
will
do this.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” I asked, taking a bite of my chicken Caesar salad.

“Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins. Just you wait.”

I laughed and then prayed: Please let her be serving Hot Pockets or pizza rolls. “If you say so, darling.”

As we finished up our lunch, I was grateful Gabby left the Danny subject alone, despite the fact that I knew it was killing her. She would much rather have sat there with me and dissected it like a high school science experiment. To her credit, she for once let the reporter side of her personality take a backseat and was simply my best friend.

As we left, she asked me to be sure to invite my mother to lunch tomorrow. I told her Mom would probably love that, and if there were any problems, I'd call and let her know. When we hugged our good-byes, I held on a little longer than usual, and Gabby gave me that one extra squeeze of love I needed before going to pick up Danny.

* * * * *

I sat in the parking lot of Paoli's with my hands gripping the steering wheel. The engine was humming softly, and it was very quiet and peaceful. I seriously thought I might actually just stay right there and wait, hoping to wake up from the nightmare. A full twenty-four hours hadn't even passed since Danny had broken me. How was that even possible? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Getting a flash of Danny kissing that twink from the night before, I quickly reopened them.

I slammed the gear into reverse and began singing, “
I am homo, hear me roar
” under my breath as I backed the car out of the spot. The tires squealed a little as I pulled out of the parking lot.

Weaving the car through traffic, I began to calm myself back down. For my mom's sake, I was going to hold everything together. I knew she was also the closest thing Danny had ever had to a mom, so despite the fact that I was imagining myself skewering his ass with a spit, shoving an apple in his mouth, and slowly turning his body over a barbecue pit, I couldn't seem to muster the cruelty it would require to hurt him the way he'd hurt me.

The first time Mom laid eyes on Danny, her eyes got as big and greedy as mine had the first time I'd seen him. Hearing about Danny's family life and the way he'd grown up was all it took. From that point on, he was her son too. She sent him care packages when she sent mine. He'd get chicken soup overnighted when he had a cold, and she'd even tried to buy him a car.

This was not to say that Danny needed her to buy him a car. Danny made a good living—certainly enough to take care of himself. I'm not really even sure why he'd decided to take on a roommate. But my mother hated, loathed, and despised Danny's motorcycle. She fretted over him getting hurt on that bike more than anything else. She made Danny promise to never take me anywhere on it and jabbed at him every chance she got to get rid of what she deemed “the deathtrap.”

As I pulled up in front of the bookstore, I caught a glimpse of the shiny chrome and black bike sitting under the awning, out of the rain. Damn, he looked hot straddling that thing. I spotted him inside the store, walking around the counter with his keys and coat. No, wait. He most certainly did
not
look good straddling anything, I reminded myself. He was a man-pig from hell.

I felt my chest begin to ache as he opened the passenger-side door and slid into my car. My toy car, he called it. I felt my resolve begin to slip as he locked eyes with me, holding my gaze as if by force.
Fuck me, Christina, the smell of him…those goddamn books.

“Hey.”

Not the apology I was looking for, but it was soft-spoken, sweet even. “Hey.” I'd tried my hardest to make that come off as light, upbeat even. The expression on his face told me I'd missed the mark. He looked both guilty and ashamed.

“I'm so sorry, Julian.”

“It's…it is what it is.” I watched him, praying he'd take my hand or kiss me. Anything to let me know he cared.

“I shouldn't have done it.” He looked down at his hands as they fiddled with his keys.

At least he seemed to genuinely feel bad about it.

“I honestly don't know what came over me.” Danny glanced back up at me. His expression told me what mine was saying as he reacted to the softening of my resolve. “That's not to say it wasn't incredible, but I shouldn't have done it.”

I felt that cut through my chest, and he noticed my reaction. How could he sit there and tell me his little dalliance with his trick last night was incredible? How sick was this asshole?

“Honest to God, Julian, it wasn't planned.” He turned away from me. “I don't understand it. You just looked
so
good all of a sudden, and it was like I couldn't control myself. In that instant I just had to have you. It was a mistake, and I'm so very sorry.”

I took in a sharp breath and began to pull the car away from the curb. And I'd thought it was bad when I'd assumed he'd been talking about his trick from last night. It was much worse realizing it was his Sunday-night trick he'd been to referring to the whole time.
Me
. I was the terrible mistake. I felt light-headed, but I knew the only thing that might keep me sane was having to concentrate on driving.

“Julian, please…”

“I'd really like it if we could not talk.” I was shocked by how tiny my voice sounded. I glanced over and could see Danny was tearing up. I knew he had to be doing his level best not to, but his eyes were becoming watery. “Look, Danny, if you really want to help me right now, let's just each agree to let this all go for now. I don't want Mom's visit to be ruined, so let's just keep it all held together for the next few days, and once she goes back home we can sit down and try to work this all out.”

“You know the last thing I'd want is to hurt you or her.”

“So let's put on smiley fun-time faces so she won't go home worrying about anything.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Great!” I forced a smile and a laugh that sounded a bit manic. I sat up straight in my seat and dug deep down into the back of my mind, trying to shove all the Danny drama into a large closet, forcing the doors closed. I exhaled heavily and turned to smile at him. He smiled back with what seemed like the tiniest tinge of fear over my amazing transformation.

One thing Danny would probably never understand about me was that when it came to my mother, I was capable of superhuman feats when it meant keeping her from seeing things I didn't want her to. And where Delilah was concerned, the only way to hide anything from her was to constantly keep my guard up.

Danny and I were standing at the end of the terminal as my mother glided along the corridor wearing a muted yellow skirt and jacket with a wide-brimmed black hat. She looked stunning, her blonde curls framing her face. She smiled immediately upon seeing us, and my heart nearly burst with pride. She looked exactly like an excited little girl when she smiled. I still to this day can't ever remember seeing any woman who appears to have one-tenth of the effortless glamour and beauty that my mother seemed to possess in abundance. To look at her, you would never guess that she was in her fifties. Her voluptuous figure still had men turning for a second glance. She easily passed for ten to fifteen years younger, and I couldn't help but pray that I'd inherited her genes.

I threw my arms around her. “Mother, you look exquisite.”

“Julian,” she said in her singsong tone, kissing my cheek. “I am so glad I came. I've missed you, honey.” She pulled away from me and added, “I want to get a look at my boy. I swear, every time I see you, you look more and more like your granddaddy.” She turned to Danny, who was smiling from ear to ear. “And you, you handsome devil, you.” She snatched him by the arm and yanked him over, giving him a hug. “Are you taking care of my baby?”

Oh yes, Momma. I'm one tiny-ass shove away from the crazy house. He's doing an excellent job of taking care of me.

“Yes, ma'am.” Danny hugged her while shifting his gaze over at me. “It's good to see you, Delilah. We've missed you.”

“You boys!” She pulled away. “So sweet, I could just chew you up.”

“You look lovely, Delilah,” Danny said.

“Danny,” she scolded before tossing on her sweetest, most innocent smile. “I told you to call me 'Mom.' You're
practically
my son-in-law anyway.”

It was going to be a lot more difficult than I'd thought. I felt my chest expand and my stomach drop. I looked at Danny. His face had turned bright red, just not for the reasons my mother was probably thinking. “Mother, you haven't even been here five minutes. Honestly.”

“Well, no sense in wasting time, sweetie. You know I don't mince words. Now let's go get my luggage, shall we?”

As we walked through the airport toward the baggage claim, I turned the attention back onto her, asking if she was seeing anyone. It wasn't that I cared if she had been, so much as I wanted to keep the topic away from me and Danny.

She seemed to hesitate for a moment as she wrapped her arms around Danny's and my waists. Then she told us all about the new man she'd been seeing. I marveled at the way she lit up, smiling away as she told us stories and giggled. She'd met her new man at a PFLAG meeting, and she wasted no time informing me that he had a son in Seattle who was a chef at some hip, new restaurant and happily settled with a stockbroker. I rolled my eyes. I swear, she acted as if I'd been trying to dodge the draft. I couldn't think of anyone I knew more committed to getting a commitment than I was.

After we'd all climbed into the Mini Cooper—Mom in the passenger seat and Danny scrunched into the back—we headed for her hotel. I told her about Andy and the plans I'd made with him before she'd called to let me know she was coming.

“You're still going—” Danny sounded surprised as he cut himself off. I caught a glimpse of him fidgeting in the backseat. “So…um, I was going to take you to dinner tonight,” he continued.

“Of course I should probably cancel—” I started before Mom held up a hand.

“I insist you keep your date,” she said. “I'll have myself a night out on the town with my other man.”

I laughed a little, seeing Danny smile and blush in the backseat. It broke my heart a little more seeing him care so deeply for her. I knew full well he had it in him; it was right there on his face. He just didn't have it for me.

I told her all about Gabby's dinner party the next night, and she seemed excited about the prospect of having lunch with Gabby and me the next day.

“That all just sounds lovely.” She was stealthily looking over my car. I wasn't sure if she was snooping or sizing it up because it had been a gift from Dad. “So I'll get to meet this new man you're seeing?”

“Yes, Mom. He'll be there.”

“Good,” she said. “How is Gabby? I just love that girl. She always reminded me of myself when I was younger.”

“Don't worry, Mom. She's still as mouthy as ever.”

“Julian, women aren't mouthy; they're opinionated.” She opened a compartment and spied the pack of ciggies. “If you don't stop it with these things, I'm just—”

She was getting herself all worked up.

“I keep telling him they're going to kill him,” Danny piped up from the backseat. He shrugged an apology as I gave him the evil eye through the rearview mirror.

“I'll quit right after you leave.” I smiled sweetly at her.

“You said that last time I was here.” She slammed the compartment door shut. “Boys who lie to their mothers—”

“Go to a very special bad place in hell,” I finished for her with an overly melodramatic sigh. “Yes, Mother. I know. I'm very sorry.” Not that there'd be much point in regard to the cigarettes, but there was never any sense in arguing with my mother. She was right, whether factual or not, and there was nothing anyone could say that would change her mind.

Once we got her all checked in and settled into her room, we hugged, and I told her I'd call her later. My mother would require a little beauty nap after the stress and strain of travel. Danny gave her a peck on the cheek and told her he'd be by at seven to pick her up. She smiled like a greedy child once again as we started to leave, obviously very happy to have come.

* * * * *

“I think that went well,” Danny said, breaking the silence as I drove him back to the bookstore.

I huffed a little puff of air. “Yep, she didn't seem to suspect a thing.” I reached down and turned on the radio, hoping it would stifle the apparent need Danny felt to break the silence. Odd behavior from him, considering that was generally my role in life, not his.

“It's great you're keeping your date,” Danny blurted out.

Apparently my evil radio plan hadn't worked after all. “Why wouldn't I?”

“Oh…no reason, I…uh… Never mind.” I caught his eye, and he quickly turned away to look out the passenger window.

What in the name of Sam Hill was his deal? Then I had to smile a bit. Was it possible that it wounded his ego to know I was able to move on so quickly? My victory lasted mere moments. Deep down I knew he couldn't care less.

“I guess we're okay, then?” he asked but continued to keep his face turned away.

Fuck no, we're not okay
. “I guess, I don't—” I stopped because I wasn't sure anymore, and I was beginning to feel like Sally Field in
Sybil
, flitting from one extreme emotion to another. “We'll just have to see where things stand after Mom goes back home. Right now I just want to concentrate on keeping her…out of it.”

“You're not thinking of moving out or anything?” He finally turned to look at me and seemed…concerned?

I was pretty much leaning in that direction but couldn't for the life of me understand why he'd care either way. “I don't know, Danny. Can we please…?”

“Right, sorry, you don't want to talk about it.” He stared back out the window.

I shook my head a little. I felt very irritable and was dying for a cigarette, cursing my refusal to smoke in my car. We finally made it to the bookstore, having spent the rest of the ride in blessed silence.

He started to get out of the car, then stopped. “Have a good time tonight.”

He was looking at me all smiley, and I wanted to kiss him—or punch him, I wasn't quite sure anymore and perhaps it was a little of both. “You too.”

He started to reach over to do something and then stopped. He finally grabbed my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze before exiting the car.

I began driving away from the curb before the door was even shut all the way. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My shoulder felt tingly from where he'd touched me, and I decided I couldn't take it a second longer as I fished out my smokes. I steered the car with my knees as I lit one and inhaled, feeling an instant calm begin to wash over my body. I rolled down the window a bit despite the drizzle and exhaled. For the first time since before lunch, I was allowed to feel what I wanted to without having to worry about anyone else's feelings. The only problem I had was that after all my emotional shuffleboarding, I no longer knew what that was.

* * * * *

I picked up the printout with the directions Andy had e-mailed after we'd talked that morning. Studying them momentarily, I picked up my keys and walked over to the mirror next to the front door. As I checked myself out in jeans and a plain white button-down, I heard Danny's bedroom door open. My mouth fell open a bit seeing him through the reflection of the mirror. He was wearing that Hugo Boss suit that we'd bought him for Granny Grace's funeral. I'd forgotten how damn good he looked dressed up, because otherwise his entire wardrobe consisted of jeans, T-shirts, and leather jackets of different styles.

“About to head out?” he asked, walking over to the island and flipping through the mail.

“Ya-huh.” I stared at him like a cobra mesmerized by the snake charmer. I blinked and went toward the door, then turned back. “You look…great.”

“Thanks, Julie.” He looked up at me and smiled. “Have a good time.”

“You too.” I spun around just in time to walk face-first into the front door. Shit.
Good God, you dork, get a grip. It's just a man in a suit
. I opened the door, and as I was pulling it shut behind me, I heard Danny chuckling. I shook my head, wanting to go back in and deck him.

At least that's what I told myself I wanted to go back in and do.