As You Are (19 page)

Danny should be out here groveling an apology at my feet for being mean to the man I didn't love! I flung my arms out into the air, shaking them in disgust. Danny came around the corner, and I froze for a second before dropping my arms. I could tell he was irritated as he looked me over suspiciously. I made sure, with the look I gave him, that he knew I felt the same way about him. We stood there for what began to feel like a very long and uncomfortable moment. I finally opened my mouth to speak, only to be cut off.

“I'm not sorry!” Danny blurted out. “That dude isn't for you!”

That sent me over the edge. “I sure would love to know how everyone but me seems to know what is and isn't right for me.” I harrumphed out a frustrated sigh as I twisted off the lid to the water bottle. I suddenly had the urge to get back into my car, drive across town to Andy's, and ride his cock all night until I passed out from exhaustion.

“He's bad. He's a bad, bad man!” Danny yelled, looking seriously pissed. He quickly backed down a little when he saw what must have been a shocked look on my face. “No, you're right; I don't know that, but—”

“Shut up!” I snatched up my phone and rounded the island to head for my room as Danny watched me, mouth slightly agape. I was so angry and yet strangely turned on at the same time—and that made me angrier. “Get a tissue for your issue, dude!”

Danny's head cocked to one side, and he seemed genuinely curious as to my dismissal of his feelings. I charged past him to my bedroom and slammed the door. I sat my phone on the bedside table and took a swig from the bottle. I kinda needed to pee but didn't particularly want to get into it with him any further. I placed the water bottle next to my phone and jumped as I heard his bedroom door slam. I was breathing heavier than normal, and my skin felt like it was on fire. My eyebrows rose at the sound of another loud bang from inside his bedroom. I craned my head and strained as I tried to suss out Danny's undecipherable muttering through the wall.

I hate mutterers
. “Say it or don't,” I muttered and then rolled my eyes and fell face-first onto the bed, irritated by my own hypocrisy.

Walking along the bar at Paoli's, I said hi to Joe and picked up my glass of wine, which he'd already poured and had sitting on the bar waiting for me. I passed through the archways onto the patio and spotted Gabby already seated and smoking a cigarette.

“Well, I broke it off with Andy last night,” I said with a sigh of resignation, flopping down in the chair across from her.

“Wow!” Her shock was apparent.

“You told me I needed to do it.” I snatched away her smoke and took a drag.

“I know, and you did. I figured you'd wimp out and just never call him back until he got the hint.”

I smiled and felt my face flush. “That thought had occurred to me, but all in all he was a nice guy, not some asshole who jerked me around.”

“The way you did him?” She snatched back her ciggie.

I cringed, and my tummy turned. I was usually the dumpee, not the dumper, and the few times I had dumped a guy, he'd given me just cause to do so. “I wish you'd stop with the whole guilt thing already. I didn't maliciously try to screw with him.”

“I'm only doing it 'cause you feel bad about it.” She laughed and took one last puff. “You dated him for less than a week. You had two dates. Well, three if you count my party from hell. All in all, I think you cut it off quite reasonably in the grand scheme of things. I seriously doubt you did any real damage.” Gabby looked around, suddenly aware I was alone. “Where's your mom?”

“She said she had some stuff to do. I think she's upset with me over my behavior last night.”

“Well, I'm not; the dinner was the best part.” Gabby grinned like she'd been ringside at a boxing match watching sweaty, muscled men beat the crap out of one another. “I was just waiting for the two of you to fuck.”

“Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.” I placed an elbow on the table and reminded myself that it
wasn't
going to happen. “Danny Wallace had his chance, and he blew it. He's dead to me!” Gabby laughed, and I soon followed, realizing how ridiculous I sounded. “On top of it all, I find the only log cabin slash Baptist wannabe in the tristate area.”

“Julian, people who have different convictions can have successful relationships. You just need to draw the lines and respect each other's beliefs. You act like you found a head in his freezer.”

“I should be so lucky.” I took a big gulp of wine. “What a sad commentary on our times when religious fanatics trump a head in the freezer.”

“For the love of…well, God.” Gabby sighed. “There are probably lots of Baptists out there who don't think gay people are going to hell.”

I looked at her as if she were trying to convince me she'd just returned from a joyride with a wild pack of space aliens. Despite my skepticism, the world-peace lover in me hoped
she
was right and I wasn't. Oh, how the optimist in me wanted to be wrong. “Regardless…he voted for Bush, for Chrissake,
and
left his religious propaganda lying all around the house. Out in the open. Where people can see it! I have no intention of spending the rest of my life with someone who'll be trying to convert me…dragging me to tent revivals.”

“Oh my goodness, you are a mess. I think I'll refrain from writing an article about this topic.” Gabby laughed. “I think Andy will make someone a nice BF in a few years, once he's actually acclimated to being completely out of the closet.” She thanked the waitress who'd dropped off her second martini. “None of it really matters to begin with, since you're completely heels over head in love with Danny.”

“Well, why don't you write an article about throwing a dinner party, or better yet, the boyfriend who makes one needless comment after another?” I smiled sweetly. She hadn't appreciated my comment any more than I'd appreciated hers.

“Speaking of,” she continued while giving me a nasty look, “after everyone left last night, he said something that was very well thought out and made a lot of sense.”

“I can't wait,” I said. “What, pray tell, was that?”

“He asked me to marry him.” Gabby took a bite of her spinach salad. She made better eye contact with the leafy greens than she did with me.

I gasped, clutching my napkin in my hand. “How horrible for you! What did you tell him?”

“I told him I wanted to think about it.”

“Oh, good one.” I grabbed my wineglass and sighed. “Buy yourself a little time to think up a good reason, and let him down easy.”

“That's just it, Julian. I don't think I want to turn him down.”

“Are you fucking losing it?” I asked a little too loudly. Several heads swiveled to look at our table. I smiled weakly and pulled a cigarette out of her pack. “We
are
talking about Bran Boy, right, whose idea of spontaneous sex was asking if you felt like having a little spontaneous sex? What's to think about? Hello?”

“Hello,” she snapped back, mocking me. She scowled and took a sip from her martini glass. “You really don't see anything past your own opinions, do you?”

“Okay, enlighten me. What is it about him that would make you even consider marrying him? And please don't tell me about the damn nine inches.”

“Well, let's see.” She placed her glass down. “He puts the seat down on the toilet, he never leaves an empty roll of toilet paper on the holder, and he rubs my neck every night before we go to sleep. On top of all that, he's considerate of my feelings, and everyone else's, for that matter. I've never met anyone who cares as much for others as he does, Julian.”

I sat back as her arms began flailing into the air.

“He grounds me. For all of my sarcasm and feeling that the entire world is falling to shit around me, I get to come home every night to someone who sees kindness in others and the inherent goodness in the world. Those are things that I'd overlook if he weren't there pointing them out to me. If you stopped judging him for his social faux pas and the admittedly uninteresting things that sometimes come out of his mouth long enough, you might have picked up on that.”

I sat there looking at her, tumbling down a shame spiral. I couldn't think of a single instance where I'd actually given the poor man an honest shot. “It's not my fault. He shouldn't have come along and messed around with my womenfolk!”

Gabby looked a little surprised at my retort—though she probably wasn't any more surprised than I'd been by my own words. A smile spread across her face. “You're jealous of him?”

“Yes!” I was suddenly very embarrassed, and I laughed, slamming my arm onto the table. “And all this Danny business wouldn't even be an issue if he hadn't swooped in and absconded with my best friend. I probably wouldn't even have met the rat bastard if it weren't for Bran! I forbid it!”

Gabby leveled a calm stare at me and waited for me to hear my own words again. Then we both burst into laughter.

“Brad's jealous of you, you know.” Gabby ripped off a piece of bread. “We make him nervous. He says we share a brain or something like that.”

“Well, I obviously need to speak with him immediately.” I took a puff off my ciggie. “Like
you're
worth all this fussing over.”

She chucked the chunk of bread at me and calmly picked up her glass. She downed the rest of her martini. “Besides, if I don't say yes, you won't get to be my maid of honor.”

“I'm glad you have someone.” I smiled. “It's painfully obvious that you've found the one you were supposed to.”

“And don't think I'll ever let you forget who found it first.” Her grin was evil.

“Oh, and about this whole maid-of-honor thing.”

“Yes,” she said.

“Don't think for one goddamn minute you're going to stuff me into pink taffeta.”

She tore off another chunk of bread. “You'll do as you're told.”

* * * * *

I still hadn't heard from my mother by the time Gabby and I finished lunch. I tried to call Delilah as I left the restaurant, but she didn't pick up. I was beginning to get nervous or worried; I couldn't quite figure out which. I knew that she was either up to something or something was wrong, so I decided to stop by the hotel to see if she was in her room.

I knocked on the hotel door, and Mom opened it, stepping aside to allow me in.

“Well, I feel just wretched.” I noticed that her luggage was packed and sitting next to the bed. “Are you leaving?”

“Yes, honey.” She snatched up my hand and walked me over to the bed. With a gentle shove, she had me sitting down. Then she was next to me.

“I thought you were staying until tomorrow.” I gestured loosely and let my hand flop back down into my lap.

“I was, Julian, but I think I need to go today.” She placed her hands in her lap. “Maybe you can take tonight and go home and sit down and have a nice long talk with Danny.”

“Mother, for God's sake.” I got up off the bed. “I know how much you like Danny. I do too. But he just isn't someone who's capable of the kind of commitment that I want. He's too busy running away from reality by chasing men. He doesn't want to be in a relationship at all, let alone one with me.”

“Danny runs from reality?” She shook her head. “Julian, you are my son, and I love you more than my own life. But, honey, you're a flake.”

She stunned me into silence.

“People don't come in the perfect mold that you're out looking for. You keep expecting to find something that doesn't exist. There isn't a person in the world who isn't going to come with some type of baggage or an aspect of their personality that you're going to have to make concessions for.” She reached out a hand, and as I took it, she pulled me back down onto the bed. “Relationships are compromise. You say that Danny can't commit. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he has a problem with commitment because his mother died when he was just a little boy? Do I need to remind you that his father disowned him because he was gay? Perhaps he's afraid of giving himself to another person for fear they will eventually leave him too.”

“Well…no.” I felt really stupid suddenly. “I mean, if it were me, I would think that would make me want to find someone to fill up that empty place in my life.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, Julian, but not everyone in the world thinks the same way you do.” She reached up, placing her delicate hand on my cheek. “You have to stop making assumptions about why other people do the things they do and think the things they think, and start
asking
them why they behave the way they do. Quite frankly, Julian, I think both you and Danny are hiding from what's right in front of you.”

I nodded at her and chewed my lip. “None of this means you need to leave.”

“Yes, it does, baby.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I realize that your daddy and I may have allowed our own issues to overshadow you. Hell, it's a miracle you're as normal as you are. I wasn't the best when it came to keeping my opinions to myself.” A rueful smile spread over her face. “I can only imagine it was no different when you stayed with him.”

I smiled back at her. “You guys got on so well at Granny Grace's funeral. What happened there?”

Mom took in a deep breath and exhaled. “Your father and I are back together.” She smiled after saying it out loud. “He's going to murder me for telling you without him.”

“What about Mr. PFLAG with the Seattle son…and the stock boy?”

“Sweetie, I was just makin' that all up. Asking me who I was dating, like I wouldn't see through that attempt to deflect the attention away from yourself. Your father and I agreed to wait and tell you together. I only made up the fictional man in an attempt to subtly prod you into action with news of his fictional happy son.”

I shook my head at her. It was kind of my own fault. I'd purposely not asked about it since the funeral for fear they'd already reverted back to being the McHatersons. Instant illness gurgled up in me at the thought of them back together; then I realized it was from the fear that it might not work out once again. When I thought about it as if they might actually make it work, I instantly felt like a teenager again. I'd forgotten how much I'd ached for my parents not to hate one another.

“If you really think he'd be mad, we could pretend like you didn't tell me.” I smiled at her, ready to lie my ass off if it meant not stirring up any trouble between them.

She squeezed my hand as if to say thanks. “Now you listen to your mother. You may wind up being content with a man like Andy, but you need a Danny if you expect to have any chance at being truly joyous.” She looked blankly at the wall for a moment, fumbling with the top button of her blouse. A smile slowly spread, taking over her face, and she looked back into my eyes. “And oh, my baby boy—
believe
me when I tell you—you want joyous.”

“If he really wanted me, Mom, then why hasn't he ever told me?” A sense of desperation swept over me as I began to consider the possibility she was right.

“Probably for the same reason you've never told him that you love him. It's a lot scarier when it's for real.” She reached up, brushing a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. “I suspect that if you were to sit down and think back over the time the two of you have spent together throughout the past year, you'll find that he has let you know. Time and time again he's shown you in little ways. You just never noticed it because it didn't come in the form of that perfect declaration you imagined it always would.”

I gulped down a sigh, loving what she was saying, terrified that it might be true…and more terrified that it might not.