Ashlyn (The Highland Clan Book 5) (19 page)

“Mama, ‘twas not your fault.”

“Aye, ‘twas all my fault. Malcolm did this to you…”

“Stop it, Mama.” She stepped back to stare at her mother. “Stop. I want you to never say those awful words again. ‘Twas not your fault. Now I understand. I know what you did for us. You gave yourself to a man so Gracie and I could eat. I remember Malcolm coming in with the bag of carrots and turnips, and how he would refuse to feed us until you agreed to give him what he wanted. The way he teased us was so loathsome. How could you blame yourself for giving in to him?”

Tears covered her mother’s face. “I could not bear to see either of you hungry.”

“I know what you did for us. Oh, Mama.” She wrapped her arms around her mother as she sobbed on her shoulder. “You gave up your dignity for us, Mama.”

“He was not as bad as you think, not in the beginning.”

Ashlyn nodded and pulled away from her mother to look at her aunt. “And you, dear Auntie, I recall now. You came in and one of the bad men put a knife to your throat. ‘Twas you and Robbie who motioned for us to be quiet in the corner. And Uncle Logan came in through the back door. They were going to kill us and you, but Uncle Logan stopped them, because he said you belonged to him.”

Aunt Gwyneth, too choked up to speak, said, “Aye. ‘Tis true. He did not mention you two because he was trying to draw attention away from you. I hated your uncle then.”

“Why? How could you hate Uncle Logan? He rescued you, and he saved us from those horrid men.” She could hardly believe what her aunt had said, but she recalled they argued often on the journey up to the Highlands.

“I hated him and everything he represented for the same reasons you once hated men, lass. Because they had hurt me so much. But there are many good men, and I think you know that now as much as I do. I love your uncle and marrying him was the best decision I ever made. You can still help other women if you marry.”

“Auntie, Magnus has asked me to marry him. I love him. Would you think less of me if I married and wished to stay here? I did not like traveling to Edinburgh.”

“Nay. You are a mighty brave lass. You have protected your sister ever since you were eight. You have naught to be ashamed of. Marry Magnus if that is what’s in your heart. You will be wonderful together. He is a good man.”

Ashlyn hugged her aunt and her mother. “I love you, Aunt Gwyneth, Mama. Mama, would you mind if I went to see Gracie? She should know that I’ve finally remembered.”

Her mother and Gwyneth both hugged her again, and she took several steps toward the door. “Wait one moment.” She ran back into the bed chamber and kissed Magnus, who was still fast asleep. When she reached the front the door, she stopped and turned to her mother. “Mama, promise me something?”

“Aye?”

“Promise me you’ll never again say ‘twas your fault?”

Her mother clasped her hands in front of her and nodded. “Go see your sister.”

Chapter Twenty

Ashlyn tore across the field, running up the hill without slowing. She flew into her cottage and yelled out, “Gracie?”

Gracie emerged from their bed chamber. “What is it? And before I forget, Uncle Logan wishes to see you at the keep, but I’ll tell you my news before you go.”

Ashlyn felt her heart swell as she stared at her sister. It amazed her that Gracie could think no one would ever be interested in her. She was so beautiful and so pure of heart. She rushed over and grasped Gracie’s hands in hers. “I’ve remembered it all. Every bit of what was causing my nightmares. It came back when I started to talk to Mama and Aunt Gwyneth.”

“Wonderful! Or at least it will be if it will help prevent any further nightmares. Go ahead and tell me all about it.” She smiled and waited for Ashlyn to continue.

Ashlyn thought for a moment before deciding there was no reason to tell her sister about that horrible time in their lives. Perhaps it would be best if Gracie never knew. “If you do not mind, I would rather not talk about it again. ‘Twould be best if I never thought of the incident again. Would that be agreeable to you?”

“Aye. I do not need to know. May I tell you my news?” Her eyes shone bright with excitement.

“Of course,” Ashlyn said, curious about what had excited her sister.

“Come sit with me.”

“Go ahead. I cannot wait to hear what you have to tell me.”

“I hope you will not be upset with me. I do not know what decision you have made about Magnus, but Aunt Maddie approached me at the keep. She asked me if I would be willing to teach the wee lassies who were rescued from Castle Dubh—Maeve, Morna, and Maisie. In fact, she asked me if I would sleep in the same room as them. She’d also like me to play with them and take them for walks. We’re to have our own chamber. ‘Tis quite a large one she has chosen with a short table and stools she had built for the wee ones. But you know how important reading is to Aunt Maddie.”

“And did you agree to it?”

“I did. I’m quite excited. You know how I love the wee ones, and this way I will meet more people in the keep. All the guards eat there a few nights a week. Mayhap I will meet someone. Plus, Aunt Maddie said Aline would take over for me one day a week so I could come home and spend the day with you and Mama and Da.”

Ashlyn got up and tugged her sister out of the chair. “Gracie, I think this is a wonderful idea. I’m so happy for you.”

“You are not upset? I did not know if you were planning to stay here or marry Magnus.”

“Nay, I am not upset. This will be wonderful for you. And I think I will marry Magnus, though I’m still thinking on it.” Ashlyn believed it was just what Gracie needed to meet more people. “Have you talked to Mama yet?”

“Nay, but I think she’ll be agreeable. Aunt Maddie said she plans to ask Cook to teach us all how to make a few things. She promised the lassies they could learn how to make sweet pastries.”

“Aye, I think Mama will be quite pleased.” Ashlyn loved the glow radiating from her sister’s face.

“Uncle Alex was there, too, and he said that while their hearts are big enough for the young ones, he’s found their bones are not. Wee Maeve is verra busy, and Maddie cannot keep up with her without exhausting herself. I was thinking of some games we can play in the snow. Forgive me. I need not blather on so. I shall return to my packing. Do not forget to go visit with Uncle Logan. He wanted to see you within an hour.”

“I’ll go now.” She grabbed her mantle and hurried out on her horse. She had no idea what Uncle Logan could want, especially since Aunt Gwyneth had not mentioned aught about it.

Riding in the wind made her realize how much better she felt. There were no niggling fears in the back of her mind, no questions about who had tried to attack her, or who could be returning to find her. Those two men from the hut were dead; they would never bother her or Gracie again.

Her decision was made, and she felt quite confident about it, she just didn’t wish to share it with anyone until she talked to Magnus. She loved him, and she was beginning to believe she belonged by his side. If he would just get through this fever, they could discuss marriage. Listening to Aunt Gwyneth speak about Uncle Logan had opened her eyes.

The stable lad helped her dismount and then stabled her horse. She tore up to the great hall, anxious to see what her uncle wanted. Mayhap MacNiven had been caught, though it was a little too early for a messenger to have arrived.

She knocked on the door to the solar, and Uncle Logan swung it open, a smile on his face.

“Ashlyn, so pleased to see you. Come in. Jake and your uncle Alex and I were just discussing you.”

Ashlyn stepped inside. Uncle Alex, Uncle Logan, and Jake were the only three inside. It took her a moment to realize she was kneading her hands from nerves.

“How is Magnus this morn?” Jake asked. “I’ll stop by later to check on him.”

“He has a fever. Mama gave him some herbs and he’s sleeping, though she thought his wound did not look any worse.”

Uncle Logan nodded. “Good to hear that his wound should heal. He’s a strong man. He’ll beat the fever.”

Ashlyn nodded and allowed Jake to usher her into a seat in front of Uncle Alex’s desk. He gave her shoulder a quick squeeze before stepping back. She supposed her face was still a bit red from all the crying she had done with her mother.

Uncle Logan crossed his arms and leaned against Uncle Alex’s desk. “I suppose you are wondering why we have requested your presence.”

“Aye.” She could think of naught else to say, so she just decided to wait for him to speak. She knew it was rare for a female other than the laird’s wife to be called into the laird’s solar. Granted, Aunt Gwyneth had been here many times.

“This is at the request of our king. He has given me strict instructions to do everything in my power to catch MacNiven. You and Magnus have seen the bastard; you have wounded him. By the instructions of King Alexander, I am to request that you return to Edinburgh with me and assist in our quest to bring the man to justice. He cheated his hanging by paying someone to die for him—probably someone who had been sentenced to die anyway, and wanted coin for his family. Either way, our king means to see him hang.”

Ashlyn could not believe what he had just asked her to do. She would be returning to Edinburgh?

“I know you have just returned to Clan Grant, and at your own request, Ashlyn, but you are the only one who was able to wound the man. The king has asked us to send out the team most likely to take down MacNiven. You are the obvious choice.”

Uncle Alex said in a quiet voice. “Ashlyn, ‘tis rare for a lass to be requested to represent the king on any type of mission. Your aunt is the only other female I know of who has been asked to serve the king in such a way.”

For some reason, this was not settling in to her brain. What exactly were they asking her to do?

Uncle Logan said, “You could probably be put in charge of the group of guards sent to retrieve him if you are interested. In my opinion, you’ve earned it. Men like MacNiven are hard to kill. They know how to hide and they know how to make sure they are always protected. The fact that you wounded him earns you the right to lead. ‘Tis your choice.”

Ashlyn could not believe she had just been asked to lead a group of warriors in the search for Ranulf MacNiven, criminal and abuser of lasses.

Her dream job. Or at least it had been.

They were asking her to do what she’d always wished to do, this time for her king.

She was so stupefied, she could not think of the right words.

“Why do you not think about it before you give us an answer?” Jake said, clearly noticing her inner torment.

“Aye,” Uncle Logan said. “Think on it, but we leave on the morrow, early in the morn. I’ll need your answer by then.”

She nodded, more confused than ever. “I’d like to speak with my parents, but I will return before this eve to give you my answer.”

“Accepted.”

They all stood. Before she left, Uncle Alex said, “Lass, it pleases me to tell you how proud I am, not just as your laird, but as your uncle. You found and injured our enemy when no one else could. Well done.” He moved to her side and kissed her cheek.

She’d just received the one honor she’d always wanted. Her laird and Uncle Logan had congratulated her and were rewarding her for the job she’d done as a warrior. This was more than she’d ever thought possible. Her eyes misted, but she kept her tears at bay. Somehow she knew this to be a turning point in her life, a moment she would always remember, always cherish. She’d done it. She’d not only performed as a man, she’d
outperformed
many men. What more could she ask for? She had to go, did she not?

But her heart was not leaping with joy, and the main reason was someone with arms the size of tree trunks and a heart just as big.

Before she left, Ashlyn spun around to ask, “What about Magnus? He was with me.”

“He would be invited if he were hale and hearty, but he is not,” Uncle Logan replied. “At least not to leave on the morrow. We have not decided on the final team yet, but you are the only one presently at the Grant keep who has been asked to join. Jamie, Braden, Molly, Sorcha, Tormod, Coll, and Art may be asked to participate once we reach Edinburgh. I’ll see what we discover when we arrive at the royal keep. If you decide to lead, you will have say on the rest of the team.”

Ashlyn thanked them all and left. What the hell was she to do now?

Chapter Twenty-One

Ranulf MacNiven cursed again for the tenth time. He’d finally managed to get the arrow out of his shoulder, tip intact, but it hurt like the devil since he’d had to dig so deep. Those foolish Grants. Why in hell could they not just stay away?

How many times had a Grant or a Ramsay ruined everything for him? He’d planned so carefully each time. His first plot, which he’d hatched with Glenn and Dugald Buchan, had been for Davina to marry the new chieftain of the Ramsay clan. That would have been the easiest scheme, and it had almost taken place. He would have killed Torrian Ramsay and gained control of the Ramsay land in less than a year.

But a foolish wee lass had ruined his chances by revealing his plot before the king. He’d set it up to look like Torrian had deflowered Davina—an act that would have forced the marriage. The lassie had offered him
another
vial of chicken blood in front of the king, revealing all. Someone must have assisted her. She was too young to have planned it all so carefully and so well.

No matter. The fault lay at all the Ramsays’ feet.

Then he’d had everything set in the Highlands. He’d kept his identity hidden, found a wealthy fool who was not very smart, and convinced him to finance his venture of taking over the Grants. If he had managed to take over the Grants, it would have been an easy matter to then attack the Ramsays. Failure again. This time because his foolish partner had relations with the lass belonging to the Grant heir. In so doing, he had brought Alexander Grant and over three hundred warriors down on them just to save his son.

Fool. Stupid fool, though he’d lost his life over his foolishness. Ranulf had been fortunate to get away with a few guards and no injuries…and a bagful of coins.

His next misfortune had been when he’d lost men in an apparent skirmish at the ravine, but he hadn’t been there to see who was to blame for that travesty. He’d guess the Grants since they hadn’t been far from their land. Bastards were everywhere.

After all of that, MacNiven and his men had been ambushed by a warrior wearing the Grant plaid while they were taking shelter from an unexpected storm. It seemed there was nowhere he could escape them.

He had to get to the Buchans, and naught would stop him, though some bastard had tried by putting an arrow in his shoulder.

He knew what he had to do. He’d make them all pay. He just had to decide the perfect attack. There was only one person who popped into his mind, but he’d have to give it more thought. This time he’d be careful, not haphazard as he’d been before. They would not stop him this time.

***

She left the great hall and wove through the courtyard, so absorbed in her thoughts she spoke to no one. The stable lad had her horse ready for her, so she mounted and headed back to her hut.

She decided to stop to see who was there. More than anything, she wished to talk with her mother, but she also hoped to find out what Aunt Gwyneth and Robbie thought of the offer she’d been given. Gracie was happy, so she wouldn’t disturb her, and she could always count on Gracie’s support.

Her stomach did a strange flop whenever she thought of the other implications if she were to accept this challenge.

She would have to leave Magnus—mayhap for a long time. Uncle Logan and Uncle Alex wanted to put their team together immediately, and she had to agree with them that time was not on their side. Even if his fever was gone by morn, Magnus would not be ready to fight. His wound was too fresh. But was she ready to leave the man she loved?

When she arrived at her cottage, she was surprised to see an extra horse there. She stepped inside and froze. All eyes were on her—her mother’s, her stepsire’s, Aunt Gwyneth’s and Gracie’s.

“Well?” her mother asked. “What did you decide?”

“You know?”

“Aunt Gwyneth told me after you left. Magnus awakened for long enough to eat something, and his fever was better, so we left Mada and Sim there as his protectors. He was going to try to sleep a bit more.”

“I hope you know how proud we all are that you have been invited to do this,” Robbie said. “Whether you choose to go or not, Uncle Logan will tell all the Ramsays and the Grants that you were the first choice to lead the group. He believes in you as much as he does in his own wife and his daughters.”

“But I do not know what to do.” She removed her mantle and stood in the middle of the hut as if she were lost.

Robbie said, “I understand your confusion, but is this not what you have always wanted? You will be fighting alongside the king’s warriors.”

“You have worked so hard at your archery,” Caralyn added. “If ‘tis what you want, you deserve this honor. You are as good or better than many of the men out there, but you know we will support you no matter what you decide.” There was a knowing look in her eyes, but Ashlyn did not know what decision her mother thought she would—or should—make.

“How did you feel when you were in Edinburgh?” Aunt Gwyneth asked. “I know ‘twas what you wished for more than aught, but ‘twas not quite what you had thought ‘twould be, was it?”

“Aye and nay, does that make sense? Aye, ‘twas invigorating when we tracked the bastard and when I was able to put an arrow in his sorry hide. But there was much of it I did not like at all.” She stared at the dear faces of her family. “I did not like being away from home. I cannot explain why.” Her mother’s face shone bright at this confession, but she continued, “Being attacked, being kidnapped…it frightened me more than anything has except for when…when…well, I think you know. Much of my past has returned, and I would prefer to put it all behind me and live for this day. Yet ‘tis such an honor. Mayhap I could go this once.” Ashlyn moved over to the fire to stare into the flames, rubbing her hands together to warm them. “I know not what to do.”

No one said a word until Gracie came forward and gave her a hug. “Congratulations, sister. I knew you would prove your worth to everyone. Well done.”

Ashlyn stared at her sister. “But I do not know what I should do.”

Gracie took her sister’s hand in hers and said, “I’m not verra experienced in life as the others are, but I think you should be asking yourself what you want to do, not what you think you
should
do. I accepted Aunt Maddie’s offer because I love bairns. They make my heart sing. It was not because I believed everyone else thought I should do it. So what makes
your
heart sing?”

Ashlyn thought about what everyone had said, and suddenly, she knew she needed to speak to someone else before she made her final decision.

“Thank you, Gracie.” She kissed her sister’s cheek and grabbed her mantle. “Forgive me, but I must confer with someone else.” Before she stepped through the door, she stopped and said, “I love you all so much, and I thank you. I promise to let you know my decision before I go talk with Uncle Logan this eve.”

When she reached the bottom of the hill, she knocked on the door of the wee cottage. Mada and Sim barked, but she heard Magnus’s bellowed greeting, so she stepped inside the hut.

He was still abed, but his coloring had improved.

“You are better, Magnus?”

“Aye.” He sat up in bed, propping himself up with a pillow, and opened his arms toward her. “You have a difficult decision to make. Tell me about it.”

She climbed into the bed, tucking herself next to him, her favorite place. “You heard about it?”

“Aye, I overheard your mother and your aunt discussing it. When do you leave?”

“On the morrow if I choose to go.” She rested her head on his shoulder, wishing to memorize everything about this man to keep her warm at night on the journey.

“What do you mean if you choose to go? This is what you’ve always wanted, is it not? You must go. You’ve worked so hard at the archery field.”

“Aye, ‘tis all true, but I have mixed feelings.”

“We are all proud of you. Why the mixed feelings? I hope ‘tis not due to any concern over me. I am improving. And you need not answer my proposal until you return.”

Ashlyn cupped his cheeks in her hands. “I must admit ‘tis what I’ve always dreamed of, yet now it does not hold the same appeal without you. Am I a fool?”

She gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, but he changed it into a kiss that told her how much he cared about her. Would she risk losing him if she left for a moon or so, or worse yet, if the snow prevented her return until spring?

“You are not a fool, but I do not understand your hesitation.”

She snuggled against him and took a deep sigh. “You know how much I respect my aunt Gwyneth and Molly and Sorcha. I respect all warriors, but the female warriors even more.” She paused. This next bit was hard to say, but she had to come out with it. “And yet, now that I understand what warriors deal with every day, I must admit I am not as excited about it. I was so frightened when I was attacked… I do not ever wish to feel that way again.”

“Your cousins would give their lives for you just as I would.” His thumb brushed across the sensitive skin on the back of her hands. “‘Tis not your nightmares that hold you back?”

“Nay, I do not believe so. I have conquered my fears there, yet something deep inside me tells me to stay here.”

“I think you should go. This is a chance you may never get again. What is one sennight or fortnight when you could have regrets the rest of your life?”

His voice sounded thick with exhaustion, so she climbed back out of bed and kissed him. “Aye, you are right. If you promise me not to fall in love with another while I’m away, then I will go.”

“I promise. My heart is in your hands, and we will wait for you.”

As if on cue, Mada looked up at her and gave a short bark.

“You see, Mada and Sim agree.”

“I must give my answer to Uncle Logan, and then tell my mother and stepsire.”

When Magnus told her he loved her this time, it felt like a promise. Her heart was completely lost to him, and she prayed he would guard it well.

***

The following morn, Ashlyn delivered her instructions to the men after first discussing her plan with Uncle Logan. The men had contained their surprise well when Uncle Logan had announced she would be in charge of the group of warriors heading to Edinburgh. Of course, they had all heard about Ashlyn’s feats on the first mission.

A moon ago, she would have been bursting with pride at this change, but a wee voice in the back of her mind continued to niggle at her, urging her to stay. She hadn’t slept well, but she hadn’t had the usual nightmares either.

The snow had mostly melted, probably making room for more, as the saying went. She’d said a few prayers last night that she’d get back to Grant land before the heavy snows fell. As they rode out, many of the clan’s young lads and lassies followed them toward the Grant border, running and yelling and cheering.

One lass with long, dark hair stayed beside her for as long as she could. Ashlyn waved at the lass, and they smiled at each other. When the lass finally tired, she slowed her steps but yelled after her, “Promise you’ll come back, my lady? You belong here, do you not? You’ll not go back to your home when you were young, will you?”

A few more horse lengths, and the voice still carried to her. “Promise to come back?”

She jerked her head around as a memory stole over, so vivid it brought her back to a forgotten moment in time.

She was back in Ayr near the beach. She and Gracie sat on a rock, Gracie’s head in her lap. Her wee sister was crying because her mother’s boyfriend had yelled at the two of them to leave. Ashlyn had tugged on Gracie and pulled her outside while their mother argued with the cruel lad.

She brushed the white curls back from Gracie’s face, then leaned down to whisper to her. “Gracie, mayhap someday Mama will find another. And he’ll take us far, far away from here. We’ll have a new home, one with a big hearth in it, and a fire every night to keep us warm.” She moved her hand to Gracie’s back, softly rubbing her skin under the coarse cloth of her gown, doing her best to calm the wee lassie. “Mama will cook for us every night, and we’ll help her chop the vegetables and throw them into the pot on the hearth. We shall never go hungry again. Mayhap they will marry, and her new husband will love us and always be kind, and he’ll have brothers and sisters so we’ll have a big family full of aunts and uncles.” Oh, how she wished it could be true.

Gracie, who rarely spoke, sat up and gazed into her eyes and whispered one word, “Promise?”

Ashlyn had kissed her wee sister’s cheek and replied, “If we ever find a home like that, I promise we’ll never have to leave.”

Promise.
The very same word Gracie had said to her when they’d discussed her marrying Magnus. This was the memory that still haunted her, not the nightmares. How fortunate they were to have come to Clan Grant. She remembered her words and her feelings as though it had just happened.

A lump in her throat kept her from speaking, but once she was able to control it, she steered her horse over to Aunt Gwyneth’s mount. “I’m sorry, Aunt Gwyneth. I do not wish to disappoint you. You know how much I love you and appreciate all you’ve done for me and Gracie, but I cannot do this. This is not me.” She turned to Uncle Logan and said, “I must go back. Forgive me, but I do not belong here. I belong on Grant land with my family and with Magnus.”