Asperger's and Girls (7 page)

From a scripted and cordial greeting to a classmate, a girl can establish herself as present at an event. From presence at that shared event she can talk with the classmate about a shared experience (excitement, delight, shock, etc.) and then move to common interest topics that can build friendship and rapport.

Responsiveness

Sometimes people with AS have a harder time distinguishing responsiveness. A typical peer’s claims of being “stalked and smothered” are a sign that a person with AS has a difficult time telling when interactions with a peer are responsive or avoidance behaviors. Friendship is like a game of tennis; if you are the one serving the ball all the time and no one is hitting it back—it is not a real game. Girls need to learn to wait for a friend to call or message back to avoid making her feeling nagged. If the girl’s “friend” never calls back and she doesn’t want to wait anymore, she needs to figure out if there is a reason the other girl does not respond. Friends should treat a girl nicely and make an effort. Teen girls are not likely to be confrontational about disliking a girl; more often they slowly and silently ignore and exclude. It is important for a girl with AS to brainstorm with a parent or professional a list of ways that teens show disinterest. If she sees these signs she should determine if she should confront her “friends,” or take the hint and look elsewhere for friendship.

Some ways teens show disinterest:

• Avoiding
  
• Not returning phone calls
  
• Pretending not to see you walking by
  
• Ignoring
  
• Not responding to emails, text messages, or instant messages
  
• Not inviting you when the clique hangs out.
  

Circular Conversations

Teens hang out in circles to chat, which makes greeting and entering a conversation more complex than a one-on-one formal adult “say hello and shake hands,” because everyone is facing inward. It is possible to tactfully enter a circular conversation.

Step 1.

The first step to being allowed into the circle is to silently and quickly survey who is in the circle and think about their Level of Relationship to you. Friend? Acquaintance?

Step 2.

When approaching the group casually walk up to the person with whom you have the highest Level of Relationship. Stand near them so you are in their peripheral vision. Greet them, and make eye contact.

Step 3.

If they are interested in making small talk they should open their body language to you and greet you. When you also open your body language toward your conversational partner you become a greater part of the circle. Greet others in the circle and then listen to the conversation that is already going on. Join in when you can contribute to a topic.

A Close Friend is more likely to open the circle to a girl than an Acquaintance or a Familiar Face. If a girl with AS stands next to or tries to break into the conversation through an Acquaintance or Familiar Face, she will have less success. If a girl with AS sees a friend but does not stand near to her she will not open her body to let the girl in. Positioning is key. Some Teen Greetings: “Hey” “Hi” “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey, how’s it goin’” “Hey guys! What’s goin’ on?” “Hi, how are you?” Find out what teens in your town say. Ethnicity and gender are also determining factors as to what greeting are appropriate.

Lunch Table Trauma

This idea is also suitable for lunch tables. Pick the person sitting at the table that you know best and greet them. If there isn’t room to sit next to her, sit at the end of the table where you can talk to her and be integrated into the conversation. If they say there isn’t room, don’t appear upset; say, “Oh, okay, maybe next time.” Move around the lunch area casually greeting your next Close Friend, then ask Friends, then ask Acquaintances. If no one will let you eat with them, go to a friendly teacher’s classroom, the library, a club/organization that meets that day at lunch, or find a place out of view and read a book and eat. Work on a strategy to be proactive, make a plan, and figure out whom to eat with next time. If you have a Friend in the class period before lunch, walk with her to lunch and eat together. If she is reluctant, perhaps you are only Acquaintances, or she worries about the structure and lunch plan of her existing social group. Sometimes girls plan to meet each other at a certain location before walking to the cafeteria together. Some groups of friends have an understood location where they eat lunch every day together as a group.

What if They Aren’t Interested?

If they are not interested in saying anything beyond, “Hi, how are you?” or ignore you, if they do not open up their body language to include you, it is time to make an exit. Do not stand for more than ten seconds with no one responding to your existence. Say one of the following to the person you greeted:

“Okay, well, I’ll see you later.”

“Be right back.”

“Excuse me for a sec.”

“I have to go to___.”

“Well, nice to see you, I’ll talk to ya later.”

“I think I’m gonna go ____(get a drink, get something to eat, go to my locker, etc). See ya later. “

Do not come back to talk to them later. It is an exit, to save face, and to let them know that you have better things to do than be ignored by them.

Kelsey suggests:

When you go up to a group of people and say “hi” if the person you greet only looks over their shoulder to say “hi” and doesn’t open up the circle, they don’t want to include you. Instead of standing there, say, “Talk to you later,” “See ya later,“ or “Bye” and leave if the conversation fizzles. Go get a drink, snack, visit other acquaintances until you get a responsive group.

Sticking Together

Younger teen girls generally equate being seen by peers without friends as being momentarily friendless. This accounts for their desire for their friends to accompany them everywhere. Being alone = being a-loner. Also, accompanying a friend is a way to show interest with little effort. Girls show interest in accompanying each other places, such as the classic, “Will you come with me to the bathroom?” and also, “Will you walk with me...[to my locker, the cafeteria line, to talk to guys, to class, to ask a teacher a question, etc.]. None of this accompanying seems to be too interesting to the girl who is the accompanier, but it is a show of security and support to the friend she accompanies. It is also a gesture of interest and friendship. However, girls with AS need to know for safety reasons in what situations accompanying a friend somewhere could be a manipulation of her friendship and a dangerous, illegal, or criminal situation.

Girls with AS who spend lunchtime by themselves should practice looking content and busy in being alone. No typical peers want to befriend a person who is a sulky “loner.” The only legitimate reason teens accept for being alone at lunch is because of school obligations—forgot to do reading or an assignment and need to catch up quickly before class. Reading a book confidently or starting homework early is better than sitting alone or staring at people. Another way to stay included is to find out when clubs and organizations meet and join the ones that are interesting, or start a new one.

Some skills that girls with AS need to master in order to be friends with typical girls are related to emotion, confidentiality, loyalty, and self esteem. Girls like to be with girls who make them feel good about themselves, and enhance their self-esteem.

Girls with AS should practice conversational skills so they know: where to stand, signs of disinterest, how to contribute positively to conversation, how long and often to make eye contact, appropriate loudness, personal space, and how to exit a boring conversation politely. Girls should also know the facial expression and eye contact cues that peers give when they are bored with a topic of conversation.

Facial Expressions

Know what facial expressions and body language mean, “I am friendly and approachable,” and those that look like, “I am angry, don’t interact with me.”

In conversation she should nod her head to show she is listening and casually make eye contact every 10 seconds and look away for 5-10 seconds. She shouldn’t stare, but she should also not avoid eye contact. She should glance at the speaker occasionally to let her know that she is still attentive to the coversation topic.

In consoling a friend she should be able to appear concerned and show support.

Kelsey used to hunch back in her chair and dart piercing stares at others around the room:
I didn’t know that I was frowning a lot and had an angry look on my face in class. When you look mad, no one wants to talk to you or be friendly.

4. Bullying and Mean Girls

Facing bullies is really intimidating and unfortunately some girl bullies are relentless. Gossiping, rumor spreading and cattiness are so prevalent that popular movies such as
Mean Girls
have been made as a response.
Mean Girls
popularized the term and also the title “Queen Bee.” Now the term “Mean Girls” is freely used to express girl bullying in a new way. The movie
Mean Girls
is based on the book
Queen Bees and Wannabees.
The book is a great resource for parents and adolescent girls. It has in-depth strategies for handling girl bullying, fitting in, and related issues. Another great resource for helping adolescent girls through tough friendship and school situations are the award-winning American Girl books,
The “Smart Girl” Guide to Friendship Troubles
,
Guide to Sticky Situations
and
Guide to Middle School
. They are wonderful books that were compiled from the questions received from hundreds of girls. They tackle every friendship issue imaginable with advice from peers and experts.

From
Queen Bees and Wannabees
:

Teasing:
Bad teasing happens both inside and out of the clique, and either way, it’s ugly. The teasing is done precisely to put the recipient in her place. First, she’s relentlessly teased about something she’s insecure about; girls always seem to know exactly what to say to cause the most humiliation. Second, she’s dismissed or put down when she defends herself (“Can’t you take a joke?” “What are you making such a big deal of this for?”). Often the result is that she ends up apologizing for speaking up in the first place (“I’m sorry, I’m such an idiot”) or swallowing it lest she lose her place in the clique.

Gossiping:
Along with teasing, gossiping is one of the fundamental weapons that girls use to humiliate each other and reinforce their own social status. Gossip is so humiliating because girls’ natural self-focus means that they literally feel like the whole world notices everything they do, and what’s said about them and their social status in school often serves as the basis for their self-identity. What do girls gossip about? In middle school: conflicts with friends, rivalries between cliques, boys and crushes; in high school: who had sex at the last party, who got drunk or did drugs, who’s getting used.

From
Queen Bees and Wannabes
by Rosalind Wiseman, copyright © 2002 by Rosalind Wiseman. Used by permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.

Author Rosalind Wiseman suggests to parents ways that a girl can solve a situation involving gossip or rumor spreading:

• Your daughter can confront the Mean Girl.
  
• She can ask a teacher or counselor for help.
  
• You can call the Mean Girl’s parents.
  
• You can talk to the teacher.
  
• You can talk to an administrator.
  

The book provides in-depth ways to approach each confrontation.

Sometimes it is easier for girls to think that a Mean Girl brings out someone else’s insecurities to mask her own troubles. In the dozens of people I asked, most people thought these were reasons girls bully:

• Jealousy
  
• Self-esteem
  
• Power building
  
• Status and respect through fear
  
• Insecurity.
  

Comebacks

The only way a comeback to a Mean Girl can be effective is if it is said with fearless but non-confrontational confidence. It needs to be said matter-of-factly with ease in a “so what?” kind of way. Not questioning her power, but just affirming that you obviously know about the insecurity she is pointing out. Girls with Asperger’s Syndrome need to practice conversation-stopping comebacks with adults to build their confidence against bullies.

Mean Girl Insult: “You have the ugliest glasses and you’re so fat.”

Megan, a girl with AS, suggests a conversation stopper like:

“Thanks for letting me know.”

Megan also suggested ignoring:

I was bullied for having an under-bite and some guys made fun of me. I just ignored them and continued on with what I was already doing. They couldn’t tell if I was really ignoring them or if I didn’t hear their remarks and eventually stopped.

Typical Girls Overcome Bullying Too

I asked my typical friends and acquaintances who had been victims of bullying how they stopped it and what advice they would have for girls who were being bullied.

In Trying to Make Friends

“Joining Band in junior high really helped me connect with lots of different people, I always had friends and people that I had similar interests with and that really helped me to fit in during high school.”