Asperger's and Girls (10 page)

Concluding Thoughts

Adolescence can be an exciting time for kids as they grow and develop into adults, and learn more about themselves and others along the way. But it can also be a time of confusion, insecurity and loneliness. We need to do all we can as adults to help our children and students with Asperger’s traverse this period in their lives. This is especially important since this is a time that will mold their personalities for many years to come.

We want our teenagers to be independent and safe. We want them to be true to themselves, and yet also be like their neurotypical peers. Parents can help their daughters fit in by learning about the appropriate fashions and hairstyles and giving their teenagers a makeover, if necessary. Sometimes it’s strategic to get teen coaches and assigned “buddies” to help with that process. We need to urge our daughters and students to join clubs, organizations, and teams where they can develop friendships and explore their interests. We should encourage them to find others like themselves, by joining or forming Asperger’s support groups. We need to help them to accept themselves and celebrate their strengths. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to help them become happy, safe and productive individuals as we guide them into adulthood.

The Launch:

Negotiating the Transition from High School to the Great Beyond

Meet Teresa Bolick, Ph.D.

D
r. Bolick is a licensed clinical psychologist, dynamic public speaker, and author of
Asperger Syndrome and Young Children: Building Skills for the Real World,
and
Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Helping Preteens and Teens Get Ready for the Real World.
She earned her BA at University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, and her MA and Ph.D. at Emory University in Georgia. She has many years of experience working with children on the spectrum. She now lives in Massachusetts and consults with schools in her home state as well as in New Hampshire, where she is in private practice.

Dr. Bolick focuses on what happens as a young woman with Asperger’s launches into the world. She’s graduated from high school, and confident that she can make it “on her own.” But what happens when she leaves the nest, goes to college—and doesn’t perform up to your (or her) expectations? How much “help” should you offer? And what happens when she lands a job, only to discover it’s not all she thought it would be?

Dr. Bolick provides commonsense answers to these questions to help young women with Asperger’s and their caregivers survive this phase. She offers these encouraging words: “... almost everyone muddles through (some more gracefully than others).”

I still remember the day, though it was many years ago. When my mother dropped me off at my college dorm for the first time, I couldn’t wait for her to leave. Didn’t she know that I could handle this on my own? Did she think I needed her? Indeed, she finally read my signals and bid me a not-too-tearful goodbye. “This is great!” I thought. “I’m ready for anything!” My euphoria was quickly dashed when I discovered that I had left all of my “hanging clothes” at home. So much for independence! When I called to ask my mother to come down again the next day, she resisted her urge to comment. Looking back, I imagine that she was both relieved and amused that I still needed her. But she never voiced that “I told you so.”

M
any women have similar stories of their own “launch” into the world outside the confines and safety of their parents’ homes. And much is made of the “failure to launch” when young adult offspring come back to the “nest” (as humorously portrayed in a recent movie). But the “launches” of young women with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) and related challenges are often much more prolonged and frustrating. I’d like to share some of the trials, tribulations, and lessons learned from young women and parents whom I know.

Young Women, Parents, and “Home”

Whether we call it “launching” or “emancipation” or “empty nest,” the period after high school graduation represents a young adult’s opportunity to prove that she can handle life without the daily supervision and guidance afforded by parents. Making one’s own decisions becomes paramount, whether the decisions are about when to go to bed, what to eat, when (or whether) to study, or what to do about friends.

When a young adult is able to move away from home during this transition, many successes and failures occur without the watchful eyes of Mom and Dad. And, while more nervous than they might want to admit, almost everyone muddles through (some more gracefully than others).

For the young woman who is not yet ready to move away from home, however, the process of independent decision-making can be more stressful. First of all, the at-home daughter can’t get away with things as easily. Not that she’s doing anything that bad; it’s just there for all to see. Staying out too late, eating too much junk food, picking the wrong boy to date— all are there for parental scrutiny. Secondly, the “errors in judgment” then fuel the parents’ anxiety that their daughter truly is not ready for the real world. Parents become more vigilant and daughters rail at the “micromanagement” (which of course fuels the parents’ belief that their daughter needs more guidance). Some daughters respond to these stresses by resisting parental guidance of all kinds and angrily shutting themselves off. Others respond by “succumbing to parental wishes” (their words) and depending upon parents for all decisions. Obviously, neither of these extremes is ideal.

The young women I know have offered some advice for parents during the “launch” process:

• If you’re going to encourage me to do something, you have to let me do it. Even if I make a mess in the beginning, let me follow through.
  
• It’s okay to express your concerns, but don’t get mad if I disagree.
  
• Work with me to set up some house rules and responsibilities. Then step back and let me follow them.
  
• Don’t expect me to just “look around and see what needs to be done.” My mind isn’t on our house and family anymore; I’m thinking about my new life.
  
• Don’t feel hurt if I don’t want to hang around the house. Remember that you wanted me to learn to have a social life.
  
• Remember what you were like at my age.
  

Young Women, College, and AS

High school students with AS typically present with intellectual and academic skills that make them excellent candidates for college. Even those who have some academic gaps (such as in math) frequently find college or technical school programs that are well suited to their strengths and passions. Thus, for many young women with AS, the search for a post-high school program is quite manageable.

The difficulties emerge when it’s time to go. These challenges tend to fall into three overlapping categories: self-management, academics, and relationships. In all three areas, parents and daughters can easily come into conflict. Here are a few illustrations:

Scenario #1:

Jane was scheduled to start college in the fall. She and her parents agreed that a summer school class would help her ease into the new routine. But when Jane started classes, she did not adjust her late-night bedtime. She overslept unless prodded by her parents to awaken. When she did make it to class, she fell asleep. At the end of summer school, she had a D in a class that should have been easy for her. Her parents asked, “How can we trust that you’ll be able to get yourself up and to class if you’re living on your own?” Jane was insulted that they did not trust her.

Scenario #2:

Maria was enrolled in a rigorous art institute. Her experience as a painter and sculptor stood her in good stead in her studio classes. Her physical and mental stamina allowed her to “do art” for many hours a day. Her challenges arose in the non-studio classes. Maria was not prepared to read and integrate fifty pages a week of art history. And her professors didn’t give out lecture notes as her high school teachers had done. Maria was “drowning” in art history by the end of the first week. When she mentioned her 504 plan to the professor, she was met with a blank stare.

Scenario #3:

Becky, her parents, and her advisor decided that a single dorm room was the best option for her freshman year at a small women’s college. The single would ensure that Becky could have the quiet that she needed for studying. It would also give her a refuge from the social demands that college life entails. They also agreed that Becky should sign up for the meal plan to make sure that she spent her meal times with others. At midterms, Becky was doing well academically. She enjoyed her work-study job in the library. But she didn’t know the name of anyone in her dorm. Worst of all, she stopped going to the dining hall and subsisted on ramen noodles cooked in the hot pot in her room.

In all three of these scenarios, the parents’ first inclination was to rush in to help. In each case, they made well-intentioned phone calls to college personnel. And, in each case, they were told that no information could be exchanged without the student’s permission. (The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, or FERPA, prevents schools from disclosing information without permission of the student or family. Since all three women were over 18, they “owned” their educational information and the right to disclose it or not.)

Young Women, Parents and Working Partnerships

Despite the well-intentioned parental inclination to fix, it won’t work once daughters are “of age.” Even if the law allowed a parent to fix things, what would that do for the ultimate goal of independence in the real world? In all three situations described above, the parents quickly realized that their best bet was to re-negotiate the terms of the “working partnerships” that they had established with their daughters earlier in adolescence. They took a step back from their natural “I will fix this” strategy to a more collaborative approach. They not only recognized their own anxiety, but they also listened carefully to their daughters’ ideas about what they needed.

Scenario #1 Continued:

Jane’s mother began with “What’s up with you and school?” Expecting a lecture, Jane snapped, “I can handle it, Mom.” Rather than giving the “Don’t talk to me that way, young lady” lecture, Jane’s mother took a deep breath and said, “I know you can handle it. I’m just wondering if I can help you handle it more efficiently.” Over the next several weeks, Jane and her mother talked off and on about the organizational supports that had kept things on track in high school. Jane’s mother let Jane experiment with her “PDA” for a week. They also tried instant messaging and email reminders and different types of alarm clocks and timers. By the beginning of fall semester, Jane was comfortable with a PDA that had built-in alarms (even reminding her to go to bed at night). Jane completed first semester with a 2.5 grade point average and much improved sleep habits!

Scenario #2 Continued:

Maria talked with her mother about the “witch” of an art history professor and tossed out strings of choice swear words. Like Jane’s mother, Maria’s mom resisted the urge to correct her disrespectful language. After Maria calmed down, she asked her mother what to do. Again, Maria’s mother had to practice self-restraint, realizing that it wouldn’t do any good for her to rush in and advise. Instead, the mother inquired about Maria’s advisor as a source of assistance. Reassured that she could go to her advisor, Maria was then able to create a list of her concerns. Initially, she asked her mother to go with her to speak with the advisor. After a day or two, though, Maria decided that she could tackle this with just the advisor. Much to her surprise, the advisor agreed that this professor was a problem and that he had already taken steps to change things. The subsequent semesters continued to be challenging for Maria work-wise. But she regularly sought the assistance of her advisor and then announced the latest plans to her mother. Maria is now hard to distinguish from her classmates—exhausted, paint-covered, but passionate about her immersion in her art. (And her mother proudly pays the bills.)

Scenario #3 Continued:

Becky’s parents faced greater obstacles when they tried to create a working partnership. By Becky’s own admission, she was testing her parents’ authority: “I didn’t rebel in high school. I have to do it sometime.” For months, Becky insisted on keeping to herself. She resisted going home on weekends. She stopped attending church (a serious violation of family tradition). Becky’s parents disagreed about what to do. Her father maintained that Becky needed to remember that her parents were still the bosses and that they were paying the bills. Her mother hesitated to take such a rigid stand, fearing that Becky would drop out of school. After a month or so, opportunity arose. Becky needed to visit the allergist to get new prescriptions and she had no transportation. She called her mother for help. In the car, Becky began to talk about the pressures of school. She admitted that she was afraid of the social scene, because she didn’t drink and she didn’t want people to pressure her. She also told her mother about the social slights she had endured in high school and never revealed. After filling the prescriptions and stopping for ice cream, Becky’s mother “casually” mentioned that a speech/language pathologist (SLP) whom Becky had liked in middle school was opening a practice near the college. She also told Becky that the SLP’s new specialty was social pragmatics groups for young adults. Back in her dorm later that evening, Becky called her mother and asked if their insurance would pay for her to see the SLP. She also asked for the phone number. With the SLP’s assistance, Becky set up a “circle of friends” at college. These young women got together with Becky once a week for a meal (not ramen noodles) and chatted about the trials and tribulations of college life. Becky was able to stay in the dorm and to complete her associate’s degree. When she moved back home after college (due to low wages in her chosen field), Becky was able to be a working partner with her parents, paying room and board, helping out with cooking and housework, and going out with her friends from college.

Young Women, Parents, and Work

As tricky as college or technical school can be for young women and their parents, the world of work is often trickier. Young women and men know how to “do school.” After all, they have been in school for most of their lives. But they often don’t know how to negotiate the complicated world of work. Their sensory and regulatory challenges can make it difficult for them to tolerate work clothes or the workplace. Their inefficient nonverbal and verbal communication skills can interfere with every aspect of work, from the interview on. And their difficulties with organization and planning often slow productivity. For their parents, the urge to advise and fix is nearly impossible to contain!