Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (12 page)

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How to handle this
: Assertive Earth Angels will stop someone the first time he or she interrupts them and say “Excuse me, I wasn't finished talking” in a very calm and peaceful way. If you touch the person's arm while saying this sentence, the impact is even stronger. Remember that you're helping the other person become aware of a habit that's likely blocking him or her in all other relationships, personal and professional. You're teaching how to be a better communicator.

Correcting

Correcting is similar to interrupting, except worse. People who are prone to this behavior not only interrupt you, but also “correct” what you've been saying. They may point out errors in your grammar or pronunciation, like your old English teacher. Or they may tell you much more about the topic you're discussing.

While it's great to learn new facts and proper grammar, it's this person's
continual
correcting that becomes tiring. No one likes to feel small or stupid, and that's how you feel when you're with this person. You always feel “one-down” from him or her. Some people engage in correcting behavior because that's how they show that they care about and love you. They believe that by “improving” you, they're helping you. Other times, correctors conduct this behavior out of an unconscious habit.

— How this relationship affects you
: Anxiety around a corrector is a normal response. You walk on eggshells, worried about the next mistake you'll make. If you live with one, it will affect your self-esteem. You may doubt your own intelligence, and give your power away to the other person, because you believe that you can't do anything right.

— How to handle this
: As an assertive Earth Angel, you must face these situations head-on, so you'll need to tell the corrector how you honestly feel. By giving candid feedback to the corrector, you help him or her develop better relationships. If his or her correcting style annoys you, it annoys everyone else, too. So, the next time this person corrects you, take a deep breath and say: “Sometimes I feel that you're more my teacher than my friend. And while I appreciate you adding to my body of knowledge, I'd prefer to have conversations where it's just us sharing our feelings instead of you trying to teach me.”

One-upmanship

People who one-up others have done everything better than you, on a larger scale, and they want to tell you about it! Any story that you relate will be scarcely digested before it is regurgitated in a more grandiose version—starring
them
. Such people only listen enough to hear the topic of discussion so that they can immediately go to their memory banks and extract their experience of that situation, which was over-the-top amazing. They're so insecure and desperate for attention and approval that they step all over other people's spotlight to grab it back for themselves.

— How this relationship affects you
: Your body exhibits signs of tension and resentment. You feel unheard and unappreciated. In this sort of relationship, you feel lonely because it's a one-sided conversation at all times. You also feel disappointed that the other person won't share in your excitement or other emotions concerning the experiences you're relaying.

— How to handle this
: Such people have no idea that they're upsetting, annoying, or pushing others away with their superiority complex. They're extremely lonely and wonder why people aren't impressed with their accomplishments. They believe that if people are impressed, they'll be loved and valued. Once you understand the depth of such a person's loneliness and desperation to be loved, an assertive Earth Angel can go from there.

The heart of assertiveness is being honest and taking responsibility for your feelings. So never point the finger and claim that the other person is making you angry. It's his or her
behavior
that's triggering you. Let the one-upper know that you value and admire him or her, as long as that's sincerely how you feel. You don't offer these compliments unless you really believe them, or else you're manipulating and trying to control the other person's reaction to you, which is dysfunctional and dishonest. Explain that you'd love to share your own experience and enjoy the details, without turning the tables to talk about his or her experience right away. Tell the person that sharing experiences is like enjoying a really good meal, and you want to savor each course one at a time.

Clingy Neediness

Clingy people are insecure individuals who latch onto whoever will acknowledge their existence by giving them attention. As a caring Earth Angel, you can sense that such people need love. The problem is that they're a bottomless pit of neediness, which neither you nor anyone else can fill. This person is constantly texting, calling, and e-mailing you. He or she may even pop over unannounced for visits. This individual may have a misconceived notion of the degree of your friendship, and mistakenly believe that you're best friends when you're actually casual acquaintances.

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How this relationship affects you
: This person has you looking over your shoulder constantly in an effort to avoid him or her. You start to feel guilty because you know that this person enjoys your company and feels he or she needs you, even though in a spiritual sense no one needs anyone as their Source.

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How to handle this
: It's important for you, as an assertive Earth Angel, to always tell the truth with love. So you'll need to summon the courage to tell this person that you're quite busy with projects and need more space. This insecure person will likely feel wounded and take your words personally, but you can't put your whole life on hold to coddle someone. You're enabling unhealthy behavior by pretending to be friends. Perhaps there's someone else who would genuinely enjoy this person's company, and if you get out of the way by being honest, it leaves room for that new and more appropriate individual to come into his or her life.

Stalking

Stalkers take the needy and clingy behavior to a whole new, and sometimes dangerous, level. Almost always, this is an ex-lover who won't let go. He or she shows up at work, your home, or your friends' homes; calls you constantly; and incessantly begs you to return to the relationship. Very often, these pleas are accompanied by promises that he or she has “really” changed this time. If you don't comply with the person's wishes, the behavior may escalate to abuse or threats.

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How this relationship affects you
: For some people, having a stalker is a misguided boost to their self-esteem. But make no mistake, stalkers don't love you. They want to own and control you, which is the opposite of true love. If the stalker is telling you that his or her life is ruined without you, or threatening to commit suicide if you don't come back, you may be racked with guilt and worry. This person has probably caused you great anxiety and even sleepless nights. In extreme cases, you may have had to file for a restraining order to keep him or her away from you.

—
How to handle this
: Don't give this person the satisfaction of any form of reaction. Any reply that you offer encourages him or her to continue stalking you. Have the stalker's number blocked from your phone, or change yours if you have to. Block him or her on your e-mail and social-media sites. Have no contact with the person whatsoever. If there's any history of violence, contact authorities and file for a restraining order. Don't take threats lightly. Stalkers have committed violent crimes many times. Call upon Archangel Michael to cast this person permanently out of your life, and vow that in any future relationships where there are signs of extreme jealousy, controlling behaviors, or stalking, you'll run the other way.

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-trippers are practically professionals at getting their way through manipulating other people. They won't take no for an answer. They have a well-rehearsed bag of tricks they use to cajole others and get what they want. They might cry, threaten to hurt themselves, say that no one loves them, or remind you of the times that they helped you.

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How this relationship affects you
: You feel resentful or even enraged that you're being pushed against your will, but you feel you have no choice but to comply with the guilt-tripper's wishes. If you feel yourself being pushed to help someone through guilt or implied obligation, this is a sign that you're being manipulated.

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How to handle this
: By facing this situation directly, you will accelerate your spiritual growth. Guilt-trippers aren't accustomed to hearing “no,” but it's good for their spiritual growth to have that experience. After all, they have no close relationships because they don't have authentic one-on-one connections with anyone. All of their relationships are egocentric. So, by telling this person no and sticking to it, without guilt or excuses, you're giving the guilt-tripper the opportunity to have a spiritual-growth experience of his or her own. The guilt-tripper will either find another victim to harass or will realize that these methods aren't healthy or effective. This is especially true if everyone in your circle agrees to stop enabling the behavior, and all of you say no to guilt-based requests.

Angerholism

“Angerholics” are addicted to being angry. They get mad at the smallest and slightest provocation, and must immediately announce that they're angry. Such a person has a short fuse and a hot temper. He or she may inflict emotional, verbal, or even physical pain on others. Angerholics always have a justification for why they're angry, and rarely take responsibility themselves.

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How this relationship affects you
: As an Earth Angel who greatly dislikes conflict, you're highly sensitive to the energy of anger. You therefore walk on eggshells around angry people. You do everything you can possibly think of to appease them. You may even take the blame for their anger, especially if they're yelling that it's all your fault.

—
How to handle this
: Angerholics usually come from a dysfunctional family, and require professional therapy in order to confront their addiction to anger. For this reason, you and your love alone will not unravel their angry tendencies. These are people who get angry at everything. Release the fantasy that you'll find the winning combination that will finally make them happy and peaceful. Stop bending over backward and twisting yourself into knots in order to please such a person. This is a relationship that you may need to leave or distance yourself from, unless the person commits to intense therapy.

Unreliability

Unreliable people promise to help you, but forget to follow through. They miss appointments with you, are never on time for your get-togethers, and can't be counted on to honor their commitments.

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How this relationship affects you
: For the Earth Angel with low self-esteem, this relationship leaves you feeling unloved and not valued. You start to think that this is your fault, and that if only you were “better,” then this person would be more reliable. For an Earth Angel with high self-esteem, you realize that this is an unreliable person, and it's not your fault. Therefore, this relationship may make you angry and prone to complain about your unreliable friend.

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How to handle this
: The assertive Earth Angel handles all situations directly. With the unreliable person, you must set firm and clear boundaries. The next time the person makes an appointment with you, explain that your time is valuable and that if he or she is not there within 15 minutes of the appointed time, you'll need to leave. You must set boundaries with the person ahead of time, or you may end up feeling like a victim—which you're not.

Nosiness

Busybodies entertain themselves by putting their noses into everyone else's business. They boost their own insecurities by taking pride in knowing the intimate details of everyone's lives—which they will share as the latest gossip. They may even create drama among people in their circle, just so that they have more entertainment to watch unfold. That particular behavior pattern is known as the
pot-stirrer
. They often use subterfuge and deceitful tactics to get you to admit personal details to them, which they'll then immediately blab about to others.

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How this relationship affects you
: This type of relationship may confuse you, unless you're in touch with your feelings and trust them. An Earth Angel who's new to this sort of behavior may mistake prying questions as being a sign that someone actually cares.

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How to handle this
: If you have the feeling that someone doesn't care about you and your life but is just pressing for details to entertain him- or herself as if you're a reality show,
trust that feeling
. Stop feeding the shark! Don't share any further information about your life. When you're asked intimate questions, the direct and honest answer is “I'd rather not discuss this.” If you say this enough times to nosy people, they'll move on to another target. Or, in the best-case scenario, they'll wake up and discontinue their dysfunctional and hurtful behavior.

Grumpiness

Grumpy people are frequently in a foul mood, either due to physical pain, because of hangovers from addictions, or because they blame everyone for their unhappiness. In extreme cases, grumpiness can lead to psychological or verbal abuse.

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How this relationship affects you
: It's never fun to be around a grumpy person, especially if you take it personally and blame yourself. If this individual starts name-calling or attacks you verbally, your self-esteem will be wounded and depression can set in.

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How to handle this
: No matter what reason a person has for grumpiness, he or she is still not allowed to violate your deal-breaker boundaries. There's never an excuse to abuse someone with unkind words. So, state your boundaries clearly and then make no exceptions. If the person continues to violate them, you must leave or distance yourself. Give any guilt to heaven for healing and transmuting (and read about “
Getting Rid of Guilt
”).