Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (13 page)

Accusatory Tendencies

Accusatory people constantly deflect their own feelings of guilt onto others. They never listen to reason, and they jump to conclusions. They're very unpleasant to be around, because they're always causing drama with their unfounded accusations and blaming.

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How this relationship affects you
: If you're not attuned to accusers' games, you may play right into their hands. If that's the case, you'll accept their blame and feel guilty and bad about yourself. If you have caught on, though, you'll understand that you're not at fault. And your reaction will be anger, hurt, or confusion. You might engage in blaming wars, where you both hurl accusations at each other in an unending battle.

— How to handle this
: This person is always looking for a fight, so virtually anything you say will be put into the blender of his or her mind and turned into something that's completely different from what you've said. This person is usually out of touch with reality and only listens to his or her own ego's twisted logic. Therefore, the assertive Earth Angel handles the situation directly but also realizes the futility of argument.

On the one hand, if you don't stand up to accusations, they may grow in size and scope within your family, company, or community. However, you needn't engage in a merry-go-round of defending yourself continuously. Usually, the only way to deal with accusers is to be very firm and even loud as you tell them that they're mistaken in their accusation. Don't hurl counter-accusations or put-downs. Keep the conversation clean, brief, and on-topic. If this is a business situation and you're certain of your innocence, you may need to state that inaccurate accusations are slander that is illegal.

Victimhood/Martyrdom

Martyrs are perpetual victims and complainers. Their view of the world is that it's “them” against “poor-little-me.” Probably for their whole lives, they've felt picked on and singled out. They've grown up to believe that they're especially victimized by everyone and every system. Such individuals will tell you, in minute detail, every instance in which they've been taken advantage of. These are usually people with very low energy, bordering on depression. They're not looking for solutions—only acknowledgment and poor-baby sympathy.

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How this relationship affects you
: It's draining to be around victim-martyrs, because they're constantly talking about the deep dark hole in which they live. At first, you'll be shocked by how much this person has been mistreated throughout his or her life. And you might lose sleep worrying about him or her surviving in this world. But after a while, you catch on that this person has an amazingly long string of bad luck, way beyond statistical chance. You also notice that this person rejects suggestions and advice. He or she will say, “Oh, I've already tried that, and here's why it didn't work.”

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How to handle this
: Since victim-martyrs look for rescuers, and then eventually start to resent their rescuers and persecute them, avoid investing a lot of time in this relationship. There are plenty of true victims who sincerely want help, and who desire to improve their lives. There's no sense in wasting time on someone who only wants to complain. A direct and assertive approach would be to tell this person sincerely that he or she is in your prayers, and that you'll meditate about receiving Divine guidance as to how you can be of assistance. Don't let victim-martyrs tell
you
how you are to help them. Make it clear that you get all of your guidance directly from God. And then stick to this intention. Please don't worry: The victim-martyr is a professional at finding rescuers. If you don't assume that role, another person will come along shortly who will.

Controlling Behavior

Controlling people need to be in charge of everyone and everything. If they aren't in charge, they'll act out immaturely and angrily. They'll pout and they'll shout until everyone bends to their will. They're terribly unpleasant to be around, and they have underlings instead of friends or loved ones.

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How this relationship affects you
: If this is a relationship that you feel like you can't escape, you'll be perpetually anxious around this person, particularly if it's someone who insists on your doing everything his or her way. These are usually people who have a hidden rulebook, and if you accidentally violate one of their rules, you'll be punished either directly or via passive-aggressive behavior on their part. This could lead to dangerous abuse.

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How to handle this
: Controlling people usually have deep-seated fears of abandonment, and the only way that they can control their world is by trying to control everyone and everything in their midst. It's unlikely that you alone could help them with their insecurities, without the long-term help of a professional. But since the controlling person thinks that everyone else is the problem, it's unlikely that he or she would agree to the amount of therapy needed. If this is a person you're related to and so will of necessity be in contact with, there's no need to get into a power struggle. There's no point, and it's a no-win. As an assertive person, you have an obligation to your own self-esteem to be honest and direct with everyone about your feelings. Just don't expect to change the other person by doing so. Keep your conversations with the controlling person as brief as possible, and spend your time with more pleasant and easier-to-get-along-with people instead.

Perpetual Clowning

This person jokes instead of listening to you and diverts every serious discussion with humor, and sometimes inappropriate humor.

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How this relationship affects you
: Perhaps you were initially attracted to this person's sense of humor, but it's gotten old now. Now you view him or her as immature, and incapable of sharing deep and serious discussions.

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How to handle this
: Everyone has a deep side and real feelings. Perpetual clowns defend themselves against deep-seated painful emotions by staying on the surface of life. Recognize that you have a style difference, and don't try to change this person or yourself. Assertive Earth Angels recognize that not everyone is like them or even compatible with them.

With the perpetual clown, it's best to share your feelings honestly. Touch the person's hand, look him or her in the eyes, and say, “I was hoping that we could have a deeper and more serious side to our relationship, to balance the playful side that I so much enjoy with you.” The perpetual clown, who probably got in trouble for goofing off in school, will be pleasantly surprised that someone is taking the time to get to know him or her on a deeper level. This is an example of a toxic relationship that you
can
detox with persistence and a dose of honesty.

Loudness

There will always be those who speak and laugh inordinately loudly. They're the loudest people wherever they go. When you try to have an intimate discussion, these individuals shout all the details for everyone within earshot to hear. They were usually raised in a loud family where they had to fight for attention.

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How this relationship affects you
: If you're highly sensitive to sounds, this person's voice may be physically and energetically painful to you. If you're in public together, you may feel embarrassed because his or her loud voice and laughter annoy other people.
You
, especially, may become annoyed because you'd like a softer and quieter relationship with this person.

—
How to handle this
: Because loud people don't realize the effect that they're having or believe that it's not that bad, they need a reality check. If you deeply care about such a person and want the relationship to continue, you'll need to tell him or her the truth. Usually someone who's loud has a tough exterior but a delicate interior. So you'll need to be direct enough so the person hears you, but not so blunt that you'd crush his or her insecure core. And sometimes, people who speak loudly have difficultly in hearing, so your honesty may compel them to seek appropriate medical or hearing-aid assistance.

Substance Abuse

This is a person who is addicted to a mood-altering substance such as alcohol; prescription or street drugs, including marijuana; or even socially acceptable chemicals such as those found in sugar, caffeine, nicotine, or chocolate. His or her personality changes as a result of using or not using this substance. He or she may be aggressive or lazy; have mood swings; or be jittery, anxious, or argumentative.

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How this relationship affects you
:
Codependency
is a term describing the relationship of a person who loves a substance addict. The codependent person blames him- or herself for the addiction, a scenario that is often reinforced by the addict's blaming the codependent person. He or she says, “You made me so mad, and now I have to drink.”

Codependent people tend to be anxious, filled with guilt, shame, and remorse. They often turn to their own addictions, particularly food such as sugar or white flour, as a way of stuffing down their own feelings. They want to leave the relationship, but they feel afraid and guilty. If they do leave, they often go right into another addictive relationship until they do deep analysis of their reasons for choosing an addict.

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How to handle this
: If you have had even one relationship with an addict and you still harbor hurt and pain over this, or if you are currently in a relationship with an addict who is still using and abusing his or her chemical of choice, you need support. The free 12-step groups called Codependents Anonymous and Al-Anon are wonderful forums for getting strength, support, and sanity. You can find Codependents Anonymous or Al-Anon meetings internationally by searching for them on the web, as well as free online virtual meetings.

Lack of Boundaries

A person who doesn't respect any boundaries has no sense of personal space. This individual will often “borrow” your possessions without asking, and then won't take good care of them or won't ever return them to you. He or she will also disrespect your emotional boundaries by offering you unsolicited advice, judgments, and opinions.

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How this relationship affects you
: You'll feel a lack of control when this person is around, and you'll want to run far away and never see him or her again. If you must have a no-boundaries individual in your life because he or she is your relative or has some other close tie, this type of person can be crazy-making. You'll be frustrated whenever you must spend time with him or her. Such people can be lovable and show you that they really care, but the way in which they do so is disrespectful.

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How to handle this
: Since this behavior style was probably learned in childhood, it's unlikely that this person is going to change much in adulthood. The best you can do is to be honest and repeat yourself about your parameters and boundaries. For instance, if you live with this person, it's very important to have your own personal space and bedroom. Put a lock and a DO NOT DISTURB sign on your door, and without being passive-aggressive, clearly outline what behavior you will and won't accept. This person usually will hear repeated directness, even if he or she doesn't agree with what's being said.

Name-Calling

Name-callers are verbally abusive, and frequently pepper their conversation with profanities. Sometimes they pretend that they're doing this as a joke and insist that people who get offended don't have a sense of humor.
“I was just kidding!”
they'll say defensively. Other times name-callers hurl these insults and epithets with the energy of anger behind their words.

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How this relationship affects you
: Name-calling can hurt even more deeply than physical abuse, especially for someone who has a sensitive, trusting, open heart. The wounds from verbal abuse can last a lifetime and result in low self-esteem or addictions, which are used to cover emotional pain.

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How to handle this
: Verbal abuse is never okay in any circumstance. If the person calls you a name one time during a heated argument and then sincerely apologizes and doesn't repeat the behavior, this relationship may heal. However, if the verbally abusive behavior continues, you need to seek help and support from a trusted person, counselor, or support group. If the verbally abusive person is a parent or someone with whom you live, it's very important that you ask for help right away so that you don't develop deep-seated emotional scars. The sooner you receive help and support, the greater your likelihood of coming through this experience strong and healthy.

Rudeness

Inconsiderate people are always texting when you're trying to have a conversation with them, take another call when you're on the phone with them, and look at other people instead of you when you're talking.

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How this relationship affects you
: If you're related to the rude person, you might feel emotional pain that his or her behavior signals a lack of love or respect for you. If the rude person is a friend or romantic interest, you may have fantasies about telling him or her off or leaving the relationship.

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How to handle this
: Although you might argue that there's nothing you can do to change a rude individual, this is a perfect example of the fact that as an assertive Earth Angel, you are honest for the sake of honesty, and not in order to change the other person. You'll gain in personal strength and confidence by having an assertive and frank conversation about how you deserve and need respect and attention from the people in your life.

Betrayal

A betrayer breaks your heart and your trust by engaging in hurtful behaviors such as infidelity, flirting with others, lying to you, or exercising extremely poor judgment.

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How this relationship affects you
: Since the foundation of relationships is trust, discovering betrayal is devastating. It makes you question yourself and your reality.