At Peace (42 page)

Suddenly, the door popped open and Cal was in
my house, he’d forced the door open with his shoulder.

I stared at him in his black t-shirt, his
motorcycle boots, his jeans but he didn’t stare at me. He came at
me.

I ran.

I ran over some glass, feeling it cut open my
bare foot but I didn’t cry out. There was no pain. I felt it, but
it wasn’t pain. The pain was in my heart, my gut, my head; there
was no room for any other kind of pain.

Before I could take another step, I was
swung up, finding myself in Cal’s arms and instantly I fought him.
Out-of-control kicking, punching, bucking, if I could get my mouth
on him, I would have bit him.

“Vi, baby, calm down,” he muttered,
struggling to hold me and control my flailing limbs.

I didn’t speak, just grunted through my
thrashing.

He sat in a recliner in the study, easily
subduing my struggles with a big hand wrapped around both my
wrists, he locked a strong arm around my waist and he yanked me to
his chest, my hands held fast between us.

I snapped my head back and glared into his
sky blue eyes.

“Fuck off, Cal!” I shouted in his face and
watched him flinch.

I kicked out with my feet but I felt my
ankles get caught in a firm grip and I looked that way.

Colt had hold of my ankles. He was in a
squat, looking at my foot then he looked at Cal.

“She’s bleedin’.”

“The glass,” Cal muttered.

Colt looked to his right. “Baby?” he called,
not letting go of my ankles.

“Gotcha,” I heard Feb say but I didn’t look
her way.

“Violet, honey,” my Dad’s voice drifted to
me.

I kept my eyes glued to Colt, not looking at
Cal.

“
Get him out of here,” I ordered Colt. “Get
them both
fucking
out of here!
”

Colt’s expression registered surprise, he
looked to his right again then to Cal.

“That your Dad?” Cal asked me but I didn’t
look at him so his hand tightened on my wrists. “Look at me,
buddy.”

I looked at him and demanded, “Let me
go.”

“That your Dad?” he repeated.

“Yes,” I spit out.

“What’s the deal here?” Cal asked.

“Sam’s dead,” I announced and I watched Cal
close his eyes. I watched it and it was slow. So slow, it felt like
it took a year for his eyes to close.

“They found him yesterday,” my Dad said
softly, Cal’s eyes opened and he looked over my shoulder but I
didn’t see anymore. My Dad confirming with words what I knew in my
soul went straight through me, so devastating, its wake was
immeasurable. It made my eyes close and my body went slack on
Cal’s.

“We told Melissa we’d tell you. We drove down
last night, didn’t want to do it on the phone. We got here late.
Stayed at the hotel by the highway. We thought –”

“She’s good, Colt, get him outta the house,
get his story,” Cal said to Colt, cutting off my Dad.

Colt dropped my ankles and I dropped my head.
I couldn’t hold it up anymore and I could feel it coming. I needed
my energy because it was going to rip me to shreds.

Cal let go of my hands and both his arms went
around me, my forehead hit his shoulder and he pulled me close so
my face was in his neck.

Then they came, they were silent but my tears
shook my whole body in great, fucking quakes.

“Clean her up, call Dane,” I heard Cal order.
“He’s probably with Kate. If he isn’t, he’ll know where she is.
Tell him to get her, they get Keira and tell him to get them
home.”

“Okay,” Feb whispered. I felt wetness on my
foot and I heard glass being swept up but I had moved my hands to
Cal’s shoulders, my fingers digging in, holding on, pressing in, my
body to his, my face in his neck, as the tears kept shaking me,
making it hard for me to breath.

I sucked breath and even to me the effort
sounded painful. Cal’s arms tightened and Feb worked on my
foot.

I lost time, having no idea how much slid by
and not caring as I cried.

Sam was dead, my beautiful brother was gone.
Tim had been doing his job but Sam had been doing what he was doing
for me.

“He was doing it for me,” I whispered into
Cal’s throat.

“Quiet, buddy,” Cal whispered into my
hair.

“He was trying to make me safe.”

“Stop it, Vi.”

“Mel,” I breathed, thinking of her for the
first time, fresh pain sliced through me. My body jerked with it
and Cal’s arms gave me a squeeze.

“The girls’ll be here soon, baby, you gotta
get your shit together,” Cal said gently.

My mind was running away with me. “I don’t
even know this man.”

“Focus, baby.”

“Why does he want me to suffer so much?”

“Baby, focus.”

“Why can’t he leave me alone?”

“Shit,” Cal muttered and he did it in a way
that my head came up to look at him and he was staring across the
room at the front door.

“Mom?” I heard Kate call.

I looked where Cal was looking and saw Keira,
Kate and Dane standing just inside the door.

Myrtle had my vacuum cleaner out. I didn’t
even know she was there. I could see through the window that Colt
was standing on the front porch, Jack to his hip, his phone to his
ear, his head turned, his eyes on the girls.

Before I could move, Cal stood, me in his
arms, and he carried me halfway across the study then carefully, he
let my legs go but his arm at my waist held me close to his body.
So close, I was suspended, my feet barely touching the floor.

The girls watched this without moving a
muscle.

“Girls, come to your mother,” he ordered and
both looked at him then they moved hesitantly into the room.

I tried to push away but he held me firm and
when they got close they only had eyes for me.

I put my hands on both of their necks and I
pulled them closer to Cal and me.

Then I bent my head to them, pulling them in
further so we were in a little huddle.

“Something’s happened to Uncle Sam,” I
whispered.

I clutched at their necks but they knew, they
knew, just like me.

Kate tore free, taking two steps back, her
face colorless, her eyes wide with pain.

Keira fell to the floor.

Cal let me go and went after Kate.

I dropped to the floor and gathered Keira to
me.

“
No!” I heard Kate screech.
“Nononono
no!
”

I looked to her to see her beating Cal’s
chest, his arms around her, letting her do it.

Keira just shoved in close, burrowing into me
and cried in my arms.

“Oh baby, my baby, my sweet baby,” I cooed,
gathering her as close as I could and rocking her.

“Hush, girl,” Cal murmured and my head came
up again and I saw Kate clutching Cal, her arms wrapped around his
waist, her hands bunching his t-shirt, her face buried in his chest
and he had his arms locked around her too, holding her close.

I watched as it overwhelmed her and her legs
buckled. Cal caught her, bending, he shifted her into his arms and
carried her into my room.

I had no idea why but I got up, pulling
Keira with me. She didn’t struggle but she was hard to control, her
tears still coming, violent, unrestrained. I guided us into my
bedroom and Cal was in my bed, his back to the headboard, Kate
curled into him full-body, her face again shoved into his chest,
her arm tight around him, her legs curved and tangled with
his.

I moved Keira to the other side and instantly
she crawled in, moving straight to Cal, to Kate, she burrowed into
his other side and locked her arm around Cal and Kate, her head to
Cal’s belly.

I slid in behind Keira, holding her close,
having no where to put it, I rested my head on his shoulder and did
my best to wrap both my girls in my arms.

Cal’s one arm was around Kate’s waist, his
other arm slid around my shoulders. I couldn’t help but hope that
he was holding Kate as tight as he held me. It felt steady, strong,
safe when life had just knocked us right back down to our
knees.

“Should I call Doc?” I heard Feb ask.

“Her foot that bad?” Cal asked back.

“It’s deep. I wrapped it up but I can see
it’s still bleeding,” Feb answered.

“Call him.”

“Okay.”

Feb closed the door but I heard, in the
living room, Myrtle turning my vacuum on.

I bent and kissed Keira’s head then
reached to kiss Kate’s.

“We’ll see this through, babies, we will.
Promise,” I whispered.

Keira’s body bucked with the next wave of
tears that my words caused and Kate’s breath hitched so hard, it
made me wince.

“Hang on tight, babies, we’ll see this
through,” I kept whispering then my tears came back and I forced my
face into Cal’s neck and his arm curled me closer.

“We’ll see this through,” I mumbled and then
my breath snagged as I felt Cal’s lips on my forehead.

I should have pushed him away, forced him out
of my bed, kept my girls to myself. He had no business being
there.

But I couldn’t. He was warm and strong and
solid and big enough to surround us with all of that and we all
needed it, we needed something to hold onto.

He could go away later.

And anyway, he would.

* * * * *

Keira fell asleep first, Kate next, Vi
last.

All their weight was heavy on him, Keira’s
head still at his gut, her arm tight around his hip; Kate’s head at
his chest, her legs still tangled with his, her body dead weight
against his side; Vi’s face in his neck her arm around Keira.

Cal’s back was still to the headboard, his
head tipped back and resting against it, his eyes on the ceiling.
He was fucking uncomfortable but he didn’t move a muscle.

He heard the door open and he righted his
head.

Colt was leaning, shoulder against the
doorjamb.

“Doc’s here,” Colt whispered.

“Tell him to come back,” Cal whispered
back.

Colt nodded, his eyes did a sweep of Cal
under a pile of exhausted, grief-stricken, sleeping females in Vi’s
bed.

Then he looked at Cal, shook his head,
grinned and walked away.

Crazy fuck.

Keira made a noise in her sleep and pushed
closer.

Cal closed his eyes, trying to blot out the
feeling.

But he couldn’t blot it out, it was
insistent, not to be ignored.

It hit him the minute he saw Vi standing,
shoeless, carrying a dust rag, wearing shorts and a tank, the first
time he’d seen her in two and a half months and she was shrieking,
fuck, the sound of her shrieking the word “no”. He’d never forget
it, not in his life. That word, the way she said it, seared a path
straight through him.

And it kept coming when he ran to her house
after the crashing sounds came from it, the Dad pounding on the
door.

And more of it came when he forced his way in
and he saw her, that loss claiming her expression, fresh this time,
so difficult to witness he felt it settling on his fucking
soul.

And more of it came when she pressed into
him, giving him her grief.

And more, when Kate beat at him, and more
when she collapsed into him under the weight of her sorrow.

And more when they all curled into him, one
by one.

And now, that feeling in the left side of his
chest wasn’t nagging

It was constant, but it wasn’t pain.

He felt full.

Christ, the way it felt, he was full to
bursting.

Vinnie’s Pizzeria

“Mom!” Keira yelled and I sighed.

“
I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back
and looked in the full-length mirror on the back of my bathroom
door.

I was tired, so fucking tired, and I looked
it. I hadn’t slept deeply since Cal disengaged himself from us so
Doc could take a look at my foot, give me a couple of stitches and
then proclaim in a heavy way that held more than one meaning,
“You’ll be just fine.”

I’d looked into the old man’s eyes and I
couldn’t help but believe him. I’d never met him but he seemed a
man who knew what he was talking about.

This didn’t last very long, believing Doc
that everything would be fine, but at least it helped for
awhile.

By the time Doc left, Cal had disappeared.
Colt had already called some guy who was fixing the door and Mike
had come over and he’d stayed over. He spent the night sleeping on
the couch in deference to the girls. He didn’t give me a choice
about this, he just did it and I was glad he did, it was good
knowing he was there.

He made us scrambled eggs, bacon and toast
the next morning. While doing it, and while we were eating it, Mike
was demonstrative to me, firmly demonstrative in a way the girls
hadn’t seen him be before and in a way it felt like he was fed up
with the waiting game and staking his claim.

I let him. I was too overwhelmed to fight it
and his demonstrations of affection felt so good, I didn’t want to
fight it. In fact, I needed it. The girls were in a fog of grief
anyway. They barely noticed.

I slid through the day in a fog too, talking
to Mel, who sounded like I felt; taking a few calls from friends
from home; Feb, Cheryl and Dee, coming over, spending time. Myrtle
popped by with a casserole. Pearl brought homemade brownies with
walnuts.

I noticed Cal’s truck didn’t leave his drive
and I noticed this when, surprisingly, a bigger truck backed into
it and two men loaded it with Cal’s furniture, what appeared to be
all of it.

This was a surprise but I didn’t care. It
wasn’t my business. He’d been cool the day before and, as much as
it hurt when it ended,
he
didn’t hurt me. I’d done it to myself. He’d been honest
with me, he’d told me the way it was. It was me who had again taken
it further than he ever intended to go. Why he was sitting on his
couch the night it ended, drinking something I couldn’t see, just
could see it wasn’t beer, I didn’t know but that made no never
mind. He was, it ended, that was it.