At the Brink (39 page)

“We’ve got a steamy little cunt down here.” She lowered her voice and, leaning in, whispered softly. “You’re such a sweet morsel.” She nibbled on my earlobe. “I hope he lets me fuck you several times in a row.”

The shiver that ran through my body left me breathless. How? When? In what way? Such were the deranged thoughts that flooded my stunned brain. The closest thing to a decent thought that came to my mind was a question. Was he really going to let her fuck me?

Eva caressed my tender ass. “She’s properly rouged and ready,” she announced. “Do you want me to get her off?”

“Not on the bar,” the man said. “I’m going to need more.”

More?
I gasped. What did he mean,
more
?

“Would you like her on the bed?” Eva asked.

“The bed’s for ladies,” he said.

“This one’s a nice little tramp for sure,” Eva said. “How about the ottoman?”

“Fine,” he said. “Maybe that’ll do the trick.”

In all of our time together, Josh had always been aroused at the mere sight of me. And now, for all I could tell from his flat voice, he could’ve been watching the news.

Frazzled by his attitude, I missed the moment in which Eva stuck strips of black tape over the mask’s eye slits and left me reeling in the dark. I stumbled, disoriented, as she released me from the bar and clipped my hands together, this time in the front. I had an impulse to run toward the dark corner and find out who was the impostor using Josh’s voice, but I couldn’t see and Eva had a firm grasp on my wrists. She led my tentative steps across the room.

“Bend your knees,” she commanded. “Sit down.”

The ottoman’s cool surface brushed against my backside. Ice met fire when I sat. The sensation was soothing, exciting, thrilling and shocking, all at the same time.

“Lean back,” Eva said. “That’s it.”

The ottoman’s silky fabric caressed my back. The tufted buttons dug into my skin. My spine stretched on the firm surface, decompressing as Eva secured my hands above my head and my knees at opposite sides. The rustle of steps approached. My heartbeat accelerated. My whole body contracted in anticipation of Josh’s proximity.

“Do you wish to see her begging and squirming?” Eva said.

His voice sounded very close now. “Go ahead.”

Eva’s hands slid down my neck, kneading my breasts, cupping the aching flesh around my sensitive nipples, traveling over the corset to slide over my lower belly and my thighs in a relentless advance toward my sex.

The unseen restraints fastening my knees ensured that I couldn’t shut my legs or shield myself from Eva’s explorations, even if I wasn’t sure I would’ve done either one of those things. She tugged on the stiff little bow at the front of my thong and undid the upper part, unwrapping my sex as if it were a gift. Eva’s thumb and forefinger gently pulled apart the upper part of my center fold.

Eva pressed her lips to my clit. Her hyperactive tongue glided over the tight knot until I groaned and squirmed like a fish on a hook. But it was she who seemed hooked on my clit, feeding on my fat little knob, drawing all the blood in my body to that excruciatingly sensitive spot.

I arched my back and rolled my head, pleading, for what, I wasn’t sure.

I should have been embarrassed for him to see me like this, and yet I wasn’t. In fact, a new impulse had set in and I had no control over it. The thought of him watching excited me beyond belief. I felt daring, bold and audacious, powerful, because even blind and bound, my body was the room’s centerpiece. So what if I was lewd and indecent? Wasn’t that what he’d always wanted from me?

As Eva’s tongue curled over my clit, a stern hand turned my head. I was in the middle of a feral moan when the gag abruptly left my mouth. Unrestrained, my moan echoed in the room. The gag’s absence took me by surprise, but before I could speak up, a new presence claimed my mouth, a blunt, malleable tip, a familiar flavor.

In the midst of my body’s frenzy, it occurred to me that I hadn’t really come here to talk to Josh. I’d come to make a point and that required more than words. If I was going to have a fair shot, if I was going to get through to Josh, I had to speak his language. Otherwise, I was going to lose him for good.

In that moment, it hit me. Life was not about absolute color, but rather a play of shadows. The brilliance of light sprang from the purest darkness. The genius of darkness was light. At last, I’d mastered the nuances and embraced the shadows within. And for the darkness, I was grateful.

The fear lifted. I was no longer scared. My lips tightened around his limber shaft. My tongued cradled his cock against my palate, eager to please. I went at him with the same erotic enthusiasm that Eva spent on me.

“Relax, beauty,” she mumbled. She continued to lick my clit as she peeled off the rest of my thong and slid her knuckle into me.

Her fingernail clicked against glass.

“Oh, my,” Eva said. “What’s this?”

“What?” the man said.

I might have said something if my mouth hadn’t been so full with his cock.

“She’s got a little surprise stowed in there.”

She dug out the little string, which was hidden from view because it had gotten trapped between my cheeks. She pulled. My pussy held on, but when Eva tugged again, I widened, yielding the load in two small releases.

“What beautiful ben wa balls.” Eva deposited her discoveries on my belly. “Custom made, I’m sure. Look, they have a pair of initials etched on them.”

“Jesus Christ.”

The cock in my mouth straightened into a solid beam. The color blue, cobalt blue, overtook my mind’s darkness. Josh Lane had finally arrived.

Chapter Forty-Four

Josh

Mayday, mayday, mayday.
I recognized those glass balls. I recognized the initials on them as surely as I now recognized the woman lying before me. My mind spun like a chopper about to crash. My body, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do. My cock hardened to steel. I could have come on the spot.

“What the hell?”

I withdrew my cock, tucked it in my boxers and fumbled with my pants, zipping them up in utter confusion. I wanted to do something I’d never done before: I wanted to bolt. And yet my legs wouldn’t move, my erection tightened and my eyes were glued to the extraordinary sight before me.

Lily?

It couldn’t be.

The woman on the ottoman was lewd, sexy and provocative, willing to engage in the decadent practices I’d resorted to in order to erase Lily’s loss in a way that Lily herself would never condone. Strapped to the shimmering ottoman, with her blushed ass and her lustrous sex glimmering beneath the chandelier’s silver lights, this woman was hot, all the way to her erotic scent. But she couldn’t really be Lily. Could she?

Was I hallucinating?

Yes, hallucinating, that had to be it. Or maybe I was drunk. My mouth tasted sour with whisky. My stomach burned with the sting. But no, I wasn’t drunk and I knew it. I hated the taste of alcohol. I’d only taken a couple of swigs to punish myself. So what if my liver shut down? I needed the heat to counter the chill claiming my soul.

You’re going to make it, Commander
, the corpsman’s voice screeched in my mind.
Do you hear me? You’re going to live.

And to think at this late junction, dying still figured like a tempting alternative to living without Lily.

God, but I was tired. I could barely keep my thoughts straight. I’d made a huge effort to function through the last few months, but returning to Boston required a total break with Lily’s ghost. There was only one way of getting over the hardship of her loss. There was only one way to survive. I had to go back to being the person I’d been on the day I met Lily, the callous son of a bitch who’d kept me going for so many years.

That’s why I had called Rachella as soon as I landed in Boston. That’s why I had come to this place. That’s why I dragged myself out of the leather chair where I’d been witnessing the erotic spectacle with cold indifference.

Moments before, as I’d stood above the ottoman, watching the action, I’d known the problem wasn’t Rachella. The problem was me. I had latched onto the only woman who could destroy me with her pity. And now, all my plans went astray because madness had overtaken my senses and Lily’s ghost had materialized before me.

“Josh?” It was Lily’s voice, I was sure. “Josh, is that you? Please, don’t leave me here. Please?”

The tone of her voice. The sight of her snared on the ottoman. The craving in me. The pain in my heart. I was useless. My feet wouldn’t move. For all I knew, I was down for the count.

“Is there something amiss?” Eva said.

Damn it. Eva had no idea of what was going on. She stared at me while still toying with Lily, licking her plump little clit as if it were fashioned out of caramel.

What the hell? That was Lily she was touching,
my
Lily! Shock, fury and jealousy coursed through me in a surge of raw emotion.

I growled. “Leave.”

“As you wish.” Eva’s face betrayed disappointment, but she got up promptly and marched out of the room.

My thoughts scattered in all directions. Lily was here. On the ottoman. Eva had been fondling her just a moment ago. She’d whipped Lily. At my request. Christ, what had I done? I’d called Rachella but it was Lily who came.

“Josh?” Lily said.

I took a tentative step in her direction and then another. I reached out and removed the sequined mask. The sight of those indigo eyes struck me like a bullet to the heart. I staggered.

I forced the words out of my throat. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I came to find you,” she said.

“
You
came to find
me
?”

Those eyes, they never lied. “Yes.”

“How the fuck did you get in?”

“Um, I—well—I kind of, um, borrowed Rachella’s card.”

“You did what?”

“I stalked Rachella, followed her here, told her I was your assistant and stole her membership card right before I sent her home.”

I had to close my mouth. “Have you gone crazy?”

“Um, no?”

“Goddamn it, Lily, the things you do. This is no place for you.”

“It is if you’re here.”

Her words hit me like an IED. For a full ten seconds, I didn’t know what to do.

“Could you...if you want...could you maybe...um...release me?”

What the hell was wrong with me?

I went to my knees next to the ottoman and groped with the cuffs until I managed to unclip them. My hands fumbled clumsily as I tried to undo the rest. “Lily...” My heart burned with fresh pain. “You need to leave this place.”

“I’m not leaving without you,” she said, massaging her wrists.

“Forget me.” I unfastened the knee straps. “Forget I ever existed.”

“And you?” She sat up. “Did you forget me so easily?”

She might as well have gutted me with a blunt kitchen knife. No. I had tried to forget her, but all my efforts had been for naught. Tired. I was so damn tired. My leg wobbled and my knee hurt like hell. I pushed away from the ottoman and sat down on the bed. I couldn’t deal with this, not right now, not when I was so shell-shocked and confused.

“Be smart, Lily,” I said, wearily. “I’m not good for you. You get hurt when you hang out with me. You get mad too. I’m bad news. Look at what happened to you at the cove.”

“What happened at the cove wasn’t your fault.”

She seemed so sure of that.

“Look at you now,” I said. “Look at what Eva did to you. This is my fault too.”

She raised her chin in the air. “I liked what Eva did to me.”

I could only stare at her.

“I liked it because it was for you.”

She looked powerful as she stood up. Her mouth set in that stubborn line that drove me insane. And the way she was dressed—or not. She was my erotic fantasy made flesh. How was I supposed to ignore those little tassels dangling from her nipples?

The dam containing the flashbacks gave way. I couldn’t patch up the breach. My mind went off, detonating with random images, bursting with pain, fear and rage.

CLEAR!. There was Lily at the gala, at the cove, on my plane, at the house. I pushed Riker out of the way, but Roberts and Santos were dead. I dug Riker and Mac out of the rubble. Amman’s hand was blown off, but I managed to tie a tourniquet and hand him over to Riker. Back, I had to go back into the smoke. Mac shouted for me to stay out. Fire. The smell of charred flesh. Chavez’s bloody face was a mess. I could barely drag him out. He was so heavy.

Get a hold of yourself.

At the gala. Lily defended Chavez and Marie Therese. Poe leered. “Fuck my wife,” he said. “Fuck her hard.” You matter to me. The Vagabond exploded. Lily floated in the ocean. And all that pain, burning through my heart...

A sound rose from among the dead. Someone praised Allah. The grenade wobbled out of the pile and bounced into the Vagabond, blowing Lily to pieces...

The only easy day was yesterday.

Lily dead on the deck. Me, blowing breath into her lungs, pressing hard on her heart—shit—Lily bruised and battered at the hospital. The frag, detonating among all those rigged explosives. I could save Lily or I could save the guys, but I couldn’t save them all.

Put the pedal to the metal!

I wanted to run but I couldn’t. Something was wrong with me. I tripped. On my boot. My foot was still in it. Shredded muscles and spurting arteries dangled from it. I clutched it against my chest.

Put it back, I said. Put it back, damn it!

Can’t, the corpsman said.

Got to give it up. Got to give them up. Got to give her up.

Darkness. CLEAR! Jolt. Light, and pain, pain so bad I wanted to die again.

“Josh?” Lily’s voice broke through the racket. “Look at me. Stick with me.”

“Lily,” I mumbled, raking my fingers through my hair. “I—I can’t do this. You have to go. Won’t work. What you want—I tried. Nothing to give.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to dispel images, sounds, scents, memories, all those flashbacks pummeling me at once...

“Josh, listen to me.” Lily’s voice cut through noise. “You’re wrong. You’ve shown me before. You have so much to give.”

“When?” I said. “How?”

“Before you left,” she said. “You showed me that you’re loving, caring, generous.”

“Moody,” I said, “short-tempered, rude and insensitive.”

“Thoughtful, smart, diligent.”

“Selfish and harsh,” I countered. “Blunt, OCD
and
controlling.”

“Okay,” she said. “There might be some of that, but—”

I scoffed “Some of that?”

“—but you mean well, Josh, and you do well by others, and you’re also brave, trustworthy and passionate, all qualities that I want and admire.”

Logic had deserted my world. She didn’t make any sense. “You sent them away, all my people.”

“That’s because I can make it on my own.”

“You’re doing fine.” I dug my fingers into the mattress. “You don’t need me.”

“I might not need your people to manage my affairs.” She took a step toward me and then another. “I don’t need your money either. But you? I need you. I definitively want you in my life.”

“
You
want
me
?” The racket in my mind went dead silent. I was able to hear myself thinking again. Could it be true?

“Mac was right.” She tilted her head and smiled. “You might have the IQ of a genius, but you’ve got the EQ of a freakishly small lizard.”

“Jesus, Lily, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re doing yourself a disservice. I... I can’t do this. I’ll drive you crazy, just like I drive myself crazy.”

“I think we could manage.”

“What you want... I can’t talk about it.”

“Then we’ll have to tackle it some other day,” she said with mind-blowing pragmatism.

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I can’t have you halfway. I have to have you all in and all for myself. I can’t live with the certainty that, sooner or later, you’re going to walk away.”

“Josh.” She held my face between her hands and, staring into my eyes, planted a kiss on my lips. “I’m not Gloria Renez.”

My heart soared but my gut floundered. “You know?” I stared. “About Gloria Renez?”

“I know everything that I need to know.”

I gulped. “Everything?”

“Yes.”

Her gaze consumed me with the passion I’d discovered in her soul. I knew at that moment that she saw me, not as I wanted to be, but rather exactly as I was.

“Gloria Renez is in the past.” Her certainty blew me away. “I’m here, now.”

“But you’ll leave me.”

“So instead you walked away first?”

Wham.
She had a brutal way of kicking me in the gut.

“What if I end up screwing up your life?” I muttered. “What if you get hurt again? What am I supposed to do then?”

She shrugged. “You’d have to deal with it, like you did before, minus the running away part. If we stick together, we’ll live through sadness, anger and grief at some point. But that’s life, Josh, and I’d much rather live a short life with you than a long life without you.”

Were my ears playing tricks on me? Was I hearing right? From all the people in the world, Lily wanted to spend her life with me?

“All my life people have been telling me what to do,” Lily said. “First there were the problems with my dad. My mom, she saw me as someone weak who needed to be protected. Then came Martin. Well, forget Martin. At first, I thought you were more of that and yet you weren’t. You taught me to be strong, Josh, like you are. You taught me to face my fears and tackle my anxieties. You made me think. And you were right.”

“About what?”

“She has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.”

“Caesar?”

“You forced me to figure out the cause of my fears,” she said. “I know why I get panic attacks every time I have to go a big party or a fancy event.”

“Why?”

“My dad,” she said. “He took me to the opening of his exhibition at the Museum of Art. I was twelve. I was standing next to him. We were surrounded by all these people, talking, asking questions, laughing. He began to sweat. He loosened his collar. He said, ‘Lily, I don’t feel too well.’ He collapsed right there on the floor. He died. All those faces pressed around me, screaming, shouting, staring...”

“Hell, Lily.” I wanted to hug her, but I didn’t dare. “I didn’t know you were there when he died.”

“Because of you, I can face my fears,” she said. “And for the first time in my life I know what I want and need for myself.”

Was this the same tentative woman I had met at the gala? Was this the same shy and reluctant girl I’d taken to my bed? Was she the same person who couldn’t stand eye contact and suffered panic attacks at the drop of a hat?

“The chemistry. The jolt. The intensity.” Her fingers traced the line of my jaw. “You and I, we were never an accident. We were sketched on the same canvas by a great master. We’re contrasts but complementary in the color wheel. We were put in this world to be with each other. Not just to heal, Josh, but to heal each other, to heal
together
.”

I knew in that instant that she was right. She’d cut through the white noise in my head and identified exactly how I felt. The moment I had laid eyes on Lily I’d sensed she had been created for me. That’s why I’d reacted to her so strongly. That’s why she’d felt so damn good to my soul. That’s why I’d had gone to great lengths to create a situation in which she had to be mine.

It wasn’t just the Chavezes of the world that needed people like Lily. It was me who needed her, this woman. She was the reason why I’d survived, the link between my past and future, the bridge between me and my life. She’d been meant for me and I’d been meant to find her.