Atheism For Dummies (For Dummies (Religion & Spirituality)) (89 page)
Read Atheism For Dummies (For Dummies (Religion & Spirituality)) Online
Authors: Dale McGowan
But knowing quite how to accommodate diverse beliefs is sometimes hard for those accustomed to thinking all of those around them believe as they do. I’ve had well-meaning religious friends say “bless you” when I sneeze, then go wide-eyed and apologize if they offended me! Honestly, if my skin is
that
thin, I’d better not get caught in the rain. Others ask if it’s okay to say grace or to keep me on their Christmas card list. It’s a very nice attempt to accommodate me, and I appreciate that, but there’s no need to worry.
That’s
my
reaction, you understand. As I say in
Chapter 8
, atheists vary in their allergies to religion. I don’t mind in the least having someone express their religion around me. There’s no need for somebody else to climb into a box so I can climb out. But someone with a more painful history regarding religion may have different sensitivities.
Recognizing what we share: The Belief-o-Matic Quiz
One guaranteed conversation starter is the Belief-O-Matic Quiz athttp://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic_OLD.aspx. The quiz asks 20 multiple choice worldview questions, then spits out a list of belief systems and your
percentage of overlap with each.
It’s a powerful and fun way to show that everyone has more in common than they previously thought.
I take it every year. Last time I came out 100 percent Secular Humanist and 92 percent Unitarian Universalist. But I was also pretty darn Buddhist (73 percent) and shared 60 percent with the beliefs of mainline Protestants. There’s some nice common ground with my family! For some reason I’m less Jewish than I was three years ago, but a little more Catholic (up from 16 to 18 percent).
No matter what your own perspective, e-mail the link to all family members before your next gathering. The conversation it generates is wonderful. (Of course, some family members will enjoy learning about their overlap with other religions more than others. Be ready to catch evangelical Grandma when she learns that she’s 70 percent Islamic.)
That said, I could do without a few of the more aggressive gestures. The grace at dinner that includes a request that the Lord “open the hearts of some members of this family” isn’t respectful coexistence. And I don’t see the statement “I’ll be praying for you” as something benign when it’s directed at an atheist. Praying for me is fine, even thoughtful. Announcing to me that you’re doing so often has a very different purpose — expressing judgment and disapproval rather than care and concern.
Many secular families adopt mealtime rituals that serve the same emotional purpose as grace — slowing down, reflecting, acknowledging — without the religious overtones. Inviting a secular family member to offer a meditation instead of grace at a family gathering is a nice inclusive gesture. Give him or her a heads-up in advance, of course. And when an event is at the home of a nontheistic branch of the family, it’s respectful to ask first before launching into a religious grace.
In general, creating a safe space for difference and doubt isn’t about tiptoeing. What’s needed is the opposite of tiptoeing, a willingness to allow discussions to go where they will, respecting people but letting ideas fend for themselves, and making sure no one is shutting down the honest expressions of anyone else. It takes a bit of getting used to, especially if a family is accustomed to thinking of itself as one big happy point of view. But being aware of the presence of difference and valuing that diversity is really half the battle.
Defusing family pressure
Even if everybody has good intentions, religious differences can cause real tension in a family. And if intentions aren’t so good, it can tear a family apart.
If tensions are high in your family, direct communication is crucial, and it can start from either side of the religious divide. The key is to frame the conversation not in terms of winning and losing, but
détente.
Many people think
détente
is the same as a ceasefire. It actually means
a reduction of tension and building of mutual confidence.
If I’m approaching my Baptist mother-in-law with the intention to “win,” I might tell her why her religion doesn’t hold water and demand that she show me the proper respect, adding that I won’t let her see the grandkids until she agrees. That’s hardly a tension-reducing approach. Whether I “win” or “lose,” the tension just went up to 11.
If instead I approach with the goal of reducing family tension, I can start by honestly telling her that our relationship is important to me, which is why I wanted to have this talk. I can empathize with her concerns, showing that I understand how she feels, and that I know it must feel like I’m rejecting the family itself. Then I do what I can to reassure her that I’m still the same person, I still value honesty and feel love and compassion, and I still love my family and want what’s best for them. Instead of building tension, this approach can drain tension away, replacing it with confidence and a strengthened relationship.
These things may sound obvious to some, but for others they can be an eye-opener. Family conflicts like these aren’t mostly about ideas or beliefs. They are about people and relationships. Honoring, empathizing, and reassuring is exactly what’s needed in that moment, and countless families have found this approach to be incredibly effective at cutting through the tension around these issues. It isn’t the end of the process, of course — it’s just an excellent beginning.
Connecting with others
Before the turn of the 21st century, atheists, agnostics, and humanists had difficulty finding each other, which led to even greater isolation. In the past ten years, thanks mostly to the Internet, the ability to connect with other nontheists has been revolutionized.
National organizations like the American Humanist Association and American Atheists have grown in numbers; social networking sites like Atheist Nexus and Meetup have made it easier for atheists to connect locally and in areas of shared interest; and blogs and discussion forums have allowed for an exchange of ideas and stories that was unthinkable a decade ago. To explore these resources in greater depth, turn to Chapters
13
and
14
.
Feeling included for the first time
A few years ago, in January 2009, nonbelievers in the United States suddenly appeared, shivering and blinking, in a place they’d never been before — a major presidential address. Twenty minutes after being sworn in as the 44th president of the United States on that bitterly cold morning, Barack Obama described the diversity of worldviews in the country: “We know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness,” he said. “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews, and Hindus — and nonbelievers.”
I’m not sure how long I remained frozen in front of my television. I may have missed a birthday or two.
If you’ve never been part of an excluded minority, I highly recommend it. For most of the country’s history, if you weren’t a white male Christian, the US presidency seemed to be a private club for somebody else — and just one symbol of a larger, deeper exclusion in the culture. Obama’s election was an enormous breakthrough for African Americans. It wasn’t the end of their exclusion, but it was an earthquake.
The president’s willingness — in the inaugural address, no less — to include nonbelievers as part of the nation may not have been quite as revolutionary as his race. But for those of us hearing our name called for the first time — believe me, it was huge. In the eyes of our own government, we were no longer invisible.
Trying not to disappear
As I say in the “
Coming out
” section earlier, atheists differ quite a bit in their desire to make their atheism visible to those around them. Some are happy to go along for years with everyone assuming they’re part of the religious majority. But at some point, many begin to feel it’s dishonest. Others become uncomfortable with people thinking they hold beliefs that they actually find harmful, or they start to feel resentful about having to hide like a second-class citizen. Still others want to come out so they can help change the public image of nonbelievers, even if just in the minds of their own family and friends.
