Attack of the Mutant Underwear (10 page)

Wait until they get halfway through the first verse and then knock over the music stand Claire left right behind you. It will crash to the floor and distract Libby, who will then forget the lyrics and get really embarrassed. Amy will keep smiling and trying to keep the song going, but it won't work. Libby will be lost. Amy will get lost, too, and finally they'll just sort of fade to a stop. People will clap, but Amy and Libby will walk offstage looking like they want to crawl into a hole and hide … right after beating you with a big stick.

STEP 9. Which pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the talent show. Even if you start to goof up and do things just the way they are written on your instruction sheet, people are now so sure their act is going to go bad that it will, even without your help!

STEP 10. True, your sister Molly the Creature is immune to your really good disasters. She'll do her Elvis impersonation perfectly, jumping around onstage with her hair slicked back and lip-synching every word to “Hound Dog” right on time. But most of the sequins she glued on will fall off, and she'll be disappointed when a talent scout doesn't offer her a movie contract after the show. So don't worry, things are still going your way. And keep in mind, the best is yet to come!

STEP 11. That's right. Just when you're thinking it couldn't get any better than this, out onto the stage comes Amy again, this time with juggling balls. You are so surprised—you didn't know she had signed up for two acts—that you just stand there with your mouth hanging open. Of course you are supposed to be turning on the spotlights. But who cares? Amy is tossing juggling balls under her leg. And flipping them behind her back. And throwing them really high. And you're thinking, Wow, she's good! And that maybe you made a mistake about her and you two should make up.

Until Libby hisses right in your ear, “Spotlights, numskull!” And you jump and flip the wrong switch and the stage goes black.

Amy shrieks and you hear three juggling balls hit the floor. Libby screams at you to “Do something!” So you do. You begin throwing every switch you can get your fingers on. Finally, you know you've found the main switch, because every light on the stage flares up in a blinding flash. There is a sizzling sound in the lighting panel, and the whole auditorium goes black. Cool! Now you've
really
done it. You've blown a fuse!

STEP 12. People start to panic. Shouts fill the air. All you can see out there is the red glow of the exit light over the auditorium doors, and you remember that there is a light switch nearby. Maybe it's on a different circuit. You've done a great job of creating a really good disaster, but there could be one last thing you can do to make it even better!

“Don't worry!” you shout. (Which is very funny coming from you.) You jump off the stage and stumble to the exit door, grabbing blindly for the light switch, forgetting that there is a fire alarm right beside it.

Yep, a fire alarm. When all else fails, pull that for a really good disaster. Just ask me. I'm an expert.

Friday, March 9

This morning it felt like spring for the first time, so I decided to ride my bike to school. It was great. The sky was clear blue, not a cloud in sight. The air smelled fresh, and the sun beat warm on my back, and—

Okay, okay, the real reason I rode my bike was because I was seriously thinking about skipping school. Maybe even skipping town, after the disaster last night. I rode along completely ignoring the blue skies and smells of spring. All I could think about was getting away and starting a New Life in a New Me place. But where? Australia would work. Nobody would know me.

Anyway, I was so caught up in planning my great escape, I didn't see Zach and the sixth-grade boys standing with their bikes at the corner of Cedar and Twenty-third Street until I'd about run into them. I braked hard. “Hi, guys,” I said, trying to hide my embarrassment. Yep, Australia, I thought. ASAP.

Zach looked over his shoulder at me and nodded, but quickly turned back to the sixth graders. He was right in the middle of telling them something. “You won't believe what my brother did to me last night,” he said.

Whit, the biggest of the sixth graders, said, “If you're talking about Travis, I'd guess he gave you another wedgie, right?”

Zach glared. “Yep. Jerked my underwear up so high I could have used it for a T-shirt.”

At the word “underwear” I flinched so bad I almost fell off my bike. To me, it's like someone yelling, “Shark!” at the beach. None of the guys noticed, though. Zach was too much into his story. “I got Travis back this time, though,” he said with a big grin. “And the best part is that I didn't have to lift a finger to do it. Mom did it for me. Came right up behind him and gave
him
a wedgie! She told him, ‘There, now you know how it feels.' I couldn't believe it. It was great!”

Whit and Nate and Deshawn and Theo all laughed. I did, too. “That's so awesome!” I said, louder than I meant to.

All the boys stopped laughing and looked at me. There was a long moment of silence, then Whit said, “Hey, aren't you Cody, the kid who pulled the fire alarm at the talent show?”

“Uh … well …” I started backing my bicycle away from the curb.

“My third-grade sister was in the choir,” Whit said, walking toward me. “She said you ruined the whole thing.”

I kicked my bike pedal around and put my foot on it. My heart was pounding as I looked around for the best escape route. Australia,
now
!

“Cool,” Whit said.

I blinked. “Huh?”

He grinned. “
Very
cool!” And all of a sudden Whit and Nate and Deshawn and Theo were gathered around, giving me high fives, and telling me what a great prank I'd pulled off, and how I had “potential.”

Finally, the sixth graders headed off for middle school, but Zach let me ride with him to Garfield. We made a game out of trying to spit in the little holes in the manhole covers. Then in the distance I heard the bell ring and started to pedal faster.

But Zach said, “Cool, we're late.”

So I said, “Yeah, cool,” and slowed down again. I was tardy and had to go to the office, and got into Old Me double trouble. But you know what? For the first time in my life, I didn't care. It felt … well, it felt good!

Saturday, March 10

Mom got kitty litter at the grocery today. Since it's my turn again to clean out the box, I had to completely empty it, scrub it—disgusting!—and put in the new litter. In the meantime, Emma decided it would be fun to pee under the dining room table.

Mom said, “She's still upset from the Kitty Whiz.”

“Yeah,” Dad said, “probably Kitty Whiz posttraumatic stress syndrome.” He laughed like that was supposed to be really funny. I have no idea what he was talking about. But I do know what it all boiled down to: guess who had to clean up the pee in the dining room, too?

Yours truly.

Who has truly had it with that cat!

One more time and I'm putting her up for adoption!

Tuesday, March 13

During science Ms. B said that with a long-enough lever and a pivot to set it on, you can move just about anything, even planet Earth!

Zach said, “Cool! I'm gonna give it a try!”

Libby said, “Where would you move it, Mr. Smart Guy?”

Zach said, “What difference does it make?”

Libby said, “A lot. I live here.”

Zach said, “Oh, so maybe I should put a lever under you!”

Later, Ralphster got out again. Emerson found him this time, so he got a thank-you note from Amy. He was grinning from ear to ear, like it was some kind of big deal. He's clueless.

Thursday, March 15

Made farting sounds under my arm today in PE. Emerson said, “Peeuw!” Amy rolled her eyes. But Zach laughed! I had to sit against the gym wall for ten minutes of time-out, but it was worth it.

Friday, March 16

MC and Jordy practiced for St. Patrick's Day, which is tomorrow, by sticking green ribbons up their noses and swinging them back and forth as they marched around the living room.

Mom did
not
think this was funny.

Jordy went home early.

Saturday, March 17

St. Patrick's Day. Not one nostril ribbon in sight. MC actually cleaned out the litter box, but it's my turn again come Monday. Which I don't want to do!

So I got back on the Internet and typed in “cats” and “litter box” again. I surfed around in some different places, and up popped the answer to my dreams: the Littermaid Self-cleaning Deluxe Litter Box! It said, “Never touch, toss, turn, scoop, or clean your cat's litter box again!” Plug it in and an electric eye senses when your cat has used the box. Ten minutes later a rake moves forward, scooping the clumps into a “sealed, airtight container.” When the container is full, you just throw it away!

All of which sounded too good to be true … until I saw the price: $144.95. Ouch!

Sunday, March 18

Printed out the info on the Littermaid Self-cleaning Deluxe and showed it to Mom and Dad. Dad said, “Sorry, bud. Way too expensive.” Mom said, “Not a chance.”

“How about as a birthday present?” I said. (My birthday is pretty soon.)

“No, Cody.”

“You wouldn't have to get me anything else, or anything for next Christmas, either.”

“No, Cody.”

“Plus I'd throw in all the money in my sock drawer, too—twenty-three dollars and fifty-five cents!” (I was desperate.)

“No, Cody.”

“Pleeeease!”

“No, Cody.”

“Don't you know anything else to say besides ‘No, Cody'?”

“No, Cody.”

Monday, March 19

Tyler's name got drawn out of Ms. B's hat, so he gets to take Ralphster home for spring break. Amy looked disappointed. What does she think, it's
her
hamster?

Tuesday, March 20

I was worried about not having my homework done for science today until Zach said, “Just act like you've got it done.” Then he gave a great demonstration. It's pretty easy, actually. All you have to do is keep your eyes to the front of the class, like you're paying attention. Nod your head every now and then. Raise your hand a few times, too, like you want to give the answer. But don't raise it first, only after you see Ms. B is going to call on someone else. Besides that, look confident and smile.

I tried it. It works!

Friday, March 23

Last day of school before spring break. Tyler hit a foul ball at recess that landed on the flat part of the cafeteria roof. Nobody knew what to do about it, until I noticed that the big tree by the cafeteria had a limb that had grown out over the building.

So I climbed up the tree and got the ball. As I was about to climb back onto the limb, Zach said, “Bet you won't jump off into the Dumpster.”

I looked down. It didn't seem that far. And besides, the Dumpster was almost full. The trash would cushion my landing. I said, “How much?”

Zach said, “A buck.”

After our beloved principal, Mrs. Mead, helped pull me out of the Dumpster and sent me to the bathroom to get cleaned up—lots of leftover spaghetti in that Dumpster, as it turns out—she called Ms. B into the office. Ms. B couldn't believe it when she heard what I'd done. “What has gotten into you lately?” she demanded.

It was a very Old Me moment, until I went back out in the hall. Kids I didn't even know came up to me and said it was the most superstar Dumpster plunge they'd ever seen. I was famous! Plus a dollar richer!

Saturday, March 24

Spring break. So far, so boring.

Later, Saturday, March 24

Ran into Tyler and Zach at the park. We talked for a while, then they had to go to Tyler's house. Still, it was cool.

Sunday, March 25

Saw Tyler and Zach at RJ's restaurant. They were playing the new video game Doom Tomb. Like Zach said, it was “over the top!”

Spring break—so far, so good.

Monday, March 26

MC came running into my room—without knocking, of course—and said, “Amy and Libby just rode by on their bikes!”

I went and looked, but they were already gone. MC giggled, so I had to set her straight and say, “Like I care?”

Which is the truth.

Almost told Zach and Tyler about my birthday (it's this coming Sunday) but chickened out. They've probably got plans anyway. And besides, Mom and Dad haven't even asked what I want for a present, much less if I'd like to have a party.

Tuesday, March 27

Mom and Dad announced at breakfast that we are going to the beach. “A surprise vacation,” Dad said. “We were both able to get a few days off work.”

I said, “I don't want to go.”

Which actually surprised me as much as it surprised Mom and Dad and MC. I love the beach. But when I thought about it, I figured that my mouth was just ahead of my brain, that's all. It already knew that I'd rather stay home and hang out with Tyler and Zach, and maybe even the sixth graders, than go anywhere with my family.

We leave tomorrow.

Friday, March 30

Got sick of MC bugging me at the beach and yelled at her to take a long walk off a short pier.

Mom said, “Watch it, Cody. You're headed for trouble.”

We finally got back home and found the kitty litter box full to the brim. MC laughed and said, “It's your turn, na, na-na, na-na!” And I sort of … well, I guess you could say I really lost my temper and threw a scoopful of cat turds at her.

So now I'm grounded for the rest of spring break, which includes my birthday.

Sunday, April 1

Okay, here's a riddle for you. Picture this: I'd been grounded in my room all day, on my birthday (which seemed about as mean as parents could get). So when Mom called me to come down for dinner, I wasn't in the best of moods. I walked into the dining room, and there was MC piling a mountain of brown sugar on top of … a waffle.