Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead (40 page)

Anyone who questions the truth of the book can do the same thing Jody and me did – they can ask people, they don’t have to just go on me. Sometimes the reality of it was even crazier than it looks in the book. So they can ask the people who were part of it. We toned things down in the book a little. So they’d probably get a better story if they went and checked it out themselves, actually.

 

JMR
To the extent possible, I verified Frank’s memories, either against other people’s recollections, though obviously that’s not always possible, or against actual documentation. For example, the account in the book of the incident in Springfield that Frank ultimately went to prison for his role in – the source of the writing about thought process comes from Frank’s recollections, but the action in that section of the narrative is derived from police statements-I pulled case files in those situations. But the fact of the matter is that this book is Frank’s reflections on his experiences – we did the best job we could to confirm, to authenti cate. As an academic, my impulse is, “ If we can’t footnote it, it doesn’t exist,” but the flipside is that this is not a scholarly book.

 

FM
Having someone else write the book – because if I wrote my own book, who knows how it would turn out; it’d be one page long. But working with Jody, knowing she knows how to ask the right questions – that’s why I often backed off and let her do the interviews with people: she’ll ask the questions that ultimately will get the truth out. Sometimes maybe she put together their version and my version to get to the whole story. Almost all the major stories in the book are other people’s versions put together with my words.

 

JMR
Not surprisingly, certain things Frank remembered experiencing, some of which are in the book, other people
sometimes didn’t remember a particular detail. The other side of that is that I interviewed some people who told me stories of which Frank has no memory, especially from when he was a small child.

 

FM
Even from when I was a teenager-I mean, by then I was already a full-blown alcoholic – and I’m not trying to say, “Oh, I was an alcoholic and I don’t remember the story so I’m going to tell it any way I want.” But most of my life back then was hearsay – people told me what I did. A lot of stuff would happen and years later people would say, “ Remember when you did this?” And I’d say, “ I vaguely remember or I kind of remember being there,” that type of stuff. And that’s not to blame it all on the alcohol, because the rage inside me was ready to come out anyway.

 

JMR
Two things I can remember here: One is, it’s not only Frank who has that issue, we had an awful lot of witnesses to these events who, at the time or now or both in some cases, struggle with substance abuse issues. Sometimes we had not only an alcoholic primary, but some of the secondary witnesses also were severely inebriated or have become so over time. And tragically, many of them died very young. Now, that said, what is particularly interesting is how much of Frank’s memory lined up with the actual document trail that existed and also lined up with the most credible witness in particular situations – the person who wasn’t inebriated that night. I was shocked – and Frank might remember this during the first read-through – I said to Frank, “ I can’t believe how dead-on your memory is.”

Finding the bus depot in Indianapolis is a fantastic example of this. That was our first stop on our first trip together and we get there and Frank didn’t recognize the bus depot. I remember having this sinking feeling in my gut, but I told myself “have faith.” Next thing I know, Frank befriended a homeless man who became our tour guide that afternoon. The man had lived on the streets of Indy for a really long time. Frank described what
he remembered – and the description from the opening of the chapter “Caught on Tape” comes from Frank’s conversation with this homeless guy, me following them through downtown Indy, Frank’s describing the bus station as we walk and all of a sudden, this guy says, “ I know where you’re talking about, that’s when they used to let off in the parking lot.” We followed him for two or three blocks and when we rounded a corner, these two buildings opened up and Frank said, “This is it” and the homeless guy said, “ Yeah, this is where they used to drop off Greyhound.” I just stood there in amazement. It was like what Frank had been saying in this conversation appeared before my eyes. His memory of the scene was completely accurate; he just didn’t know how to find the place on foot because he’d never walked there.

 

AOR
Frank, you’ve become a well-known public speaker. What drives you to continue to tell your story to live audiences?

 

FM
I truly believe there are people who have a gift, and I definitely have a gift when I’m onstage or when I’m interacting with kids who grew up like I did; I just have a way of connecting with them. I never studied to do it or nothing like that. I just don’t bullshit them at all. My big point when I’m talking is that I want to connect with the people I’m talking to in however way I can do that. There are times in my life where I’m like, “ Maybe I should just chill out and stick with my other career doing hockey or whatever,” but whenever I think I might not want to speak anymore, I always have those kids who come up to me and are all, “Thank you; I felt the same way.” A part of my story that I get great feedback for is when I was a little kid and I used to go home from school every day and wish I’d get hit by a car. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to go home. I have so many kids come up to me and say, “ I felt that same way at one time.”

I like when I get to do the universities, because I have free reign on whatever I want to say and I can curse and yell and do whatever I want and I have tons of fun with it and people laugh
and have a good time and leave with a message. It’s funny, the way I started was speaking to little kids. A guy asked me to speak to suburban little kids in Philadelphia, like fifth, sixth, seventh graders and I’d go there and be real raw with these kids and think I was doing damage to them; I used to think my talk wasn’t good, that I was scarring these kids for life talking to them the way I did. Then I’d get these letters back and the kids would thank me and that was one of the first times in my life I thought that maybe I had a purpose, maybe I’m not going to be one of these guys who grew up in my neighborhood with a needle in their arm in an abandoned house whose family don’t know they’re dead for a month. I thought maybe I might not end up being that guy.

 

AOR
Notable figures such as Cornel West and Morris Dees have endorsed this book, even claiming that it “has the power to change lives.” What has the support you’ve received on the book meant to you?

 

JMR
I don’t let a lot of people read stuff in progress. Frank has shared drafts with several people and received a lot more feedback on it than I have, because it’s just not the nature of how I work. I love working with a good editor, but I’ve got to be ready for that stage. I’ve only had maybe six people read very early drafts, and they were colleagues who I asked to give feedback on particular issues and they’ve like it, but they haven’t seen this final version. What I’m trying to say is that my first feedback on the final book is from Morris Dees and Cornel West, and that’s really cool. Though I’m only truly concerned about one audience on this, and he’s sitting next to me right now, and he’s comfortable with it, so if he feels that I sound like him, I’ve achieved that.

 

AOR
Do you agree that the story has the power to change lives?

 

JMR
Absolutely – if I did not agree with that, I would not have become involved in this project.

FM
And I would say the same thing: talk about how I am today, that I’m not a religious person but consider myself spiritual. And if I put the two together, being religious or spiritual – for me only now – religion is“I live this life afraid that when I die, I go to hell if I’m bad.” Spirituality is“I feel like if I’m bad now, I’m going to go back to the hell that I’ve already come from.” And I don’t ever want to go back there. I don’t want to feel the feelings I felt before, and if one person reads this and understands that – you always hear that expression, “ If this will only help one person,” and I think this book will help more than one and people who read it will also be able to help people in similar situations.

 

JMR
That was a large part of my motivation to get involved with this. Creative nonfiction was not the genre in which I was schooled to write. But having gotten to know Frank and to work with him over the years, I’ve watched his story develop live. I’ve watched it impact people, whether it’s maybe a young kid who’s into the skinhead thing, but it has very little to do with the skinhead part per se. It’s about – maybe it’s a kid who hates for those kinds of reasons. Maybe it’s an African-American kid who hates the guys from a block down in a rival gang. Hate is hate; that’s a big issue. And addiction is addiction. That’s the other big issue in this book and in his story. Frank is living proof that simultaneously those issues are unbelievably difficult to overcome and it’s a constant battle – you’re always recovering, never “recovered” on all those fronts – but also that it’s possible to keep getting up after getting knocked down. That is the power of his story, not only for people trying to get up now, but also for people trying to reach out a hand of assistance.

 

AOR
While this book is titled
Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead
, it isn’t just a book about the white supremacy movement. It is at different times a memoir about: child abuse, the tragedy of a broken American family, a gang member, a prison story, drug addiction, a love story, a coming of age story,
the power of sports, and finally, a man’s redemption. Besides the skinhead story, what are the other most important parts for people to look at?

 

JMR
The first time I heard Frank speak in long form was in front of about 400 college students. He did a great job, and college students are a hard audience to keep, because unlike high school students they can get up and leave whenever they want to; it’s not like there’s attendance for an evening open lecture. People were riveted by the presentation and then they started in on questions and we were there for a really long time. This kid asked one of those questions that just sticks with you. He asked, “ What do we do?” And Frank didn’t even pause – his answer was brilliant. He said, “Just love them.” This is the most important issue in the book. When you start looking for some of the cause and effect patterns in Frank’s life, what you see is the patterns of so many issues that plague American youth. The skinhead issue happens to be what Frank wound his way into, but the same would be true of other gangs. The same would be true of certain kinds of cliques. It would be true of the recent phenomenon of shootings in high schools. When you see neglected or physically abused kids, you see this negative path that begins to spiral out of control, and you go back and ask yourself what would’ve happened if at some point in Frank’s life, someone had loved a little more. So many things that should have been safety nets for Frank – not all, because Nanny and Pop and a couple of other relatives did the best they could – when he started falling, they weren’t there, whether it was the schools or some family members or certain neighbors; too many people turned the other way and didn’t act – as Frank would say, “Just love them.”

 

FM
One part right in the beginning of the book, when I start getting into the movement, I talk about how these two older skinhead guys ask me what it was like going to school in Philadelphia and how it must’ve been so hard for me – that was
one of the first times in a long time that someone asked me about myself. To me, that was someone asking, “ How was your day?” “ How’s your life?” Because my mom or dad or no one, when I got home from school, never asked “ How was your day at school? What did you learn?” Never. And for once someone was asking, “ How was your day?” And I think that’s what made me love them guys first and foremost is that they asked these questions no one had asked in years. It comes down to just asking the kids in your life, whether it’s your own kids or neighbor kids – don’t let them get off with “ Uh, it’s okay.” Make them answer you, “ What teachers do you like? What teachers don’t you like? Why don’t you like them?” Get kids talking – at least they know that someone knows something about them, because maybe they’re not getting that at home.

 

AOR
Family is a subject that runs all through this book – family brings you into the skinhead movement and is instrumental in your drug addiction, but family also helps you get out of the skinhead movement and helps you stop using drugs – has family been supportive of you since you left the movement? Are they supportive of the book?

 

FM
Like everybody, I have two families, my dad’s side and my mother’s side. And they never talk to each other, so I’ve always had that tear. My dad’s side of the family, they’re amazingly supportive. Loving, loving family. My grandmother just passed and I flew home for her funeral. The first thing that made it weird was when they brought out the old pictures, we’re all eating at my cousin’s house and she brings out the old photo albums, and you see the years that I’m gone. You see where I stopped coming around for Christmas when she pulls out the Christmas pictures. And that kind of hurts, but then you see where it picks back up. They’re very supportive of the book, supportive of me getting out of all that stuff and happy I don’t drink or use because they know my dad, so they know what I am potentially if I do drink or use –
and my dad’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, and they love him – but he doesn’t live to his full potential, he still lives to hang out with his friends and he’s fifty-something years old, and that’s where I was headed.