Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4)

Awaken Me

The Jaded Series, Book Four

Alex Grayson

Awaken Me

The Jaded Series #4

By Alex Grayson

Copyright © 2016 by Alex Grayson. All rights reserved.

Cover Design by Kim Black at TOJ Publishing Services. Editing by Hot Tree Editing.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

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Please purchase only authorized editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrightable materials.

All characters and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dedication

I dedicate this book, the final of the Jaded Series, to all the wonderful readers out there who have taken a chance on me and read my books. It is you all that make this possible for me. Thank you.

Blurb

What do you do when you lose the single most important thing in your life? You grieve. You sink so deep in a hole, you can no longer see the top. All you see is dark. Your life becomes dull and dreary. You withdraw from your friends, lash out at the ones you’re closest to, and become so absorbed in your pain, you feel the only way out is to end it permanently. Your heart no longer pumps properly and you can never get enough air in your lungs. You drink, you neglect your health, and you rent dirty hotel rooms with the sole purpose of ending your pain in them. Guilt eats at you for not being at the one place you were needed the most. And you become angry because you were left behind.

Or at least, that’s what I did. Until she came along….

Chris, the bane of my existence. She’s always there in the background, watching me, trying to “be there” for me. I don’t want her help. I don’t need her to butt in where she’s not wanted. I just want to be left alone in my grief. But she’s not giving up, even when I throw insult after insult her way. Every time I turn around, there she is. And what’s worse, she’s starting to make me want things. Things I never thought I could have again. She’s making me forget the pain and bringing color back into my life with her fiery red hair, bright green eyes, and the silly faces she makes at herself in the mirror. But what happens if I let her in? Could I be brave enough to open myself up, knowing the possibility of having it snatched away again? Once I know the feeling of touching Chris, of having her heart and soul blend with mine, I would never survive losing that.

Can I take the chance of her being my savior, even knowing that she could also be the one to push me over the edge of self-destruction?

Disclaimer

I was informed by a beta reader that I needed to put a disclaimer stating Xanax and/or alcohol is needed while reading
Awaken Me
. Sooo… here is your last warning before proceeding. Oh, and tissues, boxes and boxes of tissues!

Nick

“Nick.” I hear the soft broken whisper and whip my head around.

The once beautiful eyes I see staring back at me are now dull and almost lifeless. The stark pain radiating from them sends a sharp pain to my chest.

“I’m here, baby,” I whisper, my voice no longer sounding like my own.

A whimper leaves Anna’s lips when she tries to move. I have to force my body to relax at the sound, when all it wants to do is lock up and seize. I look down at Anna’s broken body, covered in a dirty piece of cloth I found on the floor of the house, and every part of me aches with her. Every mark on her body, I feel on mine.

“No, Anna, stay still,” I tell her, and take a deep breath before continuing. “The ambulance is on their way, okay?”

She ignores my plea to stay still and lifts an arm that’s covered in marks. A flash of rage runs through my blood at the sight, but I push it away. My focus needs to be on her right now, not the fuckers that did this to her.

My gut clenches and my stomach plummets when she winces in pain and drops her arm. I gently grab her wrist and bring her hand to my lips, kissing the back, before placing her hand on my cheek. Her hand is ice cold and fear almost cripples me.

She closes her eyes and takes a few shallow breaths before opening them again.

“I love you, Nick.” Her voice is barely audible.

As much as I love hearing her say those words, they scare me. They’re too final. I know the broken woman lying in front of me is dying. I know that her condition is dire. But I refuse to think of any other outcome other than her surviving. This is my Anna. She can’t leave me.

I bend over and lay a soft kiss on her forehead. “I love you too, Anna Banana,” I whisper.

My lips are still at her forehead when I hear her weak voice say, “Be happy for me.”

I close my eyes, and pull in air that no longer feels life sustaining. All it does now is remind me that I’m whole and safe, while the woman I love with my entire heart lies broken and bleeding in my arms.

Anger at the injustice of it all has me pulling back and growling, “Don’t do this, Anna! Don’t you dare die on me! You hang on goddamn it. You can’t die on me!”

My voice cracks and rises with every word I say. By the time I’m done, I’m panting. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be! She’s not supposed to leave me! We’re a fucking team!

“It’s… too late… for me, Nick. I need… you to promise… you’ll be… happy. Promise… me. Please.”

My heart cracks wide open at her words. She doesn’t realize it, but pieces of my heart lie right beside her, a ruined and bloody mess. She’s asking the impossible. There’s no way I could ever be happy if she’s not with me. She can’t expect that of me.

“No!” I tell her angrily, and bring her body closer to mine. “I can’t promise that! I can’t be happy without you. You’re my happy. Please, Anna, just hang on a little bit longer.”

“Promise me, Nick,” Anna says, her voice weaker than it was before.

“Fuck!” I snarl to the sky.

How can she think that I could ever be happy again? I’ve loved this woman from the time I was old enough to know what love was. We’ve made plans together. We were supposed to grow old together. Without her, my life is useless.

As I glance back down at Anna, I know I have to give her what she wants, at least in words. Her eyes are begging me. I’ve never been able to say no to her.

Gathering up every bit of courage I have, and praying to God that he and Anna forgive me, I utter the lie. “I promise.”

The smile that graces her face almost has her looking like my Anna again. My heart pounds in my chest, and I freeze when she slumps in my arms, her eyes closing with the smile still on her lips.

Ah, fuck no!

“Anna?” No response. “No, no, no! Jesus Christ! Please, Anna, baby, answer me!”

She still doesn’t respond. The breath I’m holding whooshes out, and my lungs won’t allow me to bring in more air. A piercing pain shoots daggers in my chest where my heart used to beat. It just feels hollow now.

I can’t believe she left me. The reality of it hits me, but I still don’t want to accept it.

I gather her in my arms and bring her body against mine. Her limbs hang like dead weights and her head rolls to the side. I bury my face in her hair and breathe in her unique scent. Even through the filthy smell of the bastard, I still smell my Anna.

I gently rock her back and forth, waiting and praying she comes back to me. I know in my head it’s in vain, but the place where my heart is supposed to be won’t believe it.

“Please come back to me,” I murmur in her ear, my tears soaking her hair. “I can’t do this without you, Anna. Please, baby.” I continue begging her, but she stays quiet in my arms…

I jerk awake and snap up in bed. My chest heaves up and down from the hard work of trying to pull air into my lungs. My heart’s pounding so hard I can hear the
thump-thump
in my ears. Breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose, I try to settle my churning stomach. I release the death grip on the sheets, lean back on my hands, and let my head fall back on my shoulders.

That damn dream is going to be the death of me. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to push back the images. It doesn’t work. They slip through the cracks and crevices I never manage to seal shut when I sleep.

“Fuck!” I snarl to the ceiling.

Frustrated, I yank the damp sheet off my lap, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and plant my feet on the floor. I lean forward and drop my head in my hands, squeezing my hair so tight I feel the strands biting into my knuckles and hear the pop of them coming loose of their follicles. My body is covered in sweat and the cool air in the room sends goose bumps across my skin.

No matter what I do, I can’t escape the visions. I’ve relived Anna’s death hundreds of times and each time it feels like the first. I wake up smelling her scent, and I swear I still feel her limp body in my arms. Memories of her still body play out in my head over and over again, bringing the crippling pain of losing her to the forefront.

I lift my head and look around the barren hotel room I’m in. Overall, it’s a shitty room with its germ-infested linens, outdated tube TV, stained carpet, and shower and toilet that barely function. I can afford better accommodations, but with what I plan to do in these rooms each time I rent one, this type seems like it fits more.

I look to my right and see the single bullet and 9mm pistol lying on the nightstand. Picking up the gun first, I release the clip and let it slide into my hand. The metal is cool and smooth. I reach over without looking and pick up the silver bullet with a gold tip. I flip it around a few times before I push the bullet in the clip with my thumb. The clip slides smoothly into the gun next with a click.

Memories of Anna sitting on the tire swing I have in my backyard flash through my mind. She always loved that tire swing. She used to say that when we got married our kids would play on the same swing. At the time I could picture Anna pushing a little girl with sandy-blonde pigtails.

Another memory surfaces of Anna and me playing house in the fort we built in her backyard. I built the unsteady frame out of leftover two-by-fours from my house and sheets, and she decorated the inside with unused items her mom let her have. We even had hand-drawn family pictures hanging from the walls. Most boys my age at the time were out playing sports and riding their bikes, and sometimes I was, but I always made time for my Anna.

From the time I reached twelve years old, I knew I was going to love Anna. She was my everything. She was the air I breathed, the reason my heart beat, and everything I saw. She was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. She was my sunshine, my moonlight, and my stars. There was absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for her and nothing I wouldn’t give her. She had my heart so tightly wrapped around her that I’m surprised it didn’t suffocate her. Anna was my reason for living, and with her gone, I no longer have anything to live for.