Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (38 page)

I almost come out of my skin when I feel his fingers at my core. He slides a digit through my folds and stops at my entrance. A cry leaves my lips when he plunges two fingers inside. Unconsciously, I grip his hair tighter and he snarls. I reach down for his pants, impatient to release the part of him I need.

I must move too slow because he knocks my hands away and yanks at the button and fly. He springs free and my mouth waters at the sight. I remember the taste of him in my mouth, and I want that again. Not right now though. Right now I need him inside me like I need my next breath.

“Nick, please,” I beg him with a needy voice.

“Fuck,” he hisses. “I know, Sugar. Me too.”

Once his jeans drop to the floor, his hands move to my ass and lift me. My legs automatically wrap around his waist and my back hits the cool wall behind me.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters against my lips.

His words confuse me. I pull back to look at him.

“What for?”

“Because this is going to be rough and fast,” he says, and slams his hips forward, impaling me on his hardness.

I cry out at the sudden pleasure-pain of being filled by him. I dig my heels in his ass as I tighten my legs around him. Having him in me again feels like coming home after being gone for years. There is no better feeling.

I lean my head back against the wall and hold on as he slams into me over and over again. He buries his face in my neck, and his lips latch on to the skin there. I know it’ll leave a mark. Having his mark on me sounds heavenly and makes me even wetter. His hips pump up while I grind down; my clit rubbing against his pelvic bone sends vibrations through my stomach. There is no way I could ever get enough of this man.

“Fuck, woman. You feel so good,” he groans. “I won’t last much longer. Please tell me you’re close.”

“Yes!” I hiss. “Oh God, Nick.”

One hand tightens on my ass, while the other goes to my hair. Gripping it tight, he pulls my head back so I’m forced to look at him.

He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine. “I want to see your face when you come. Keep your eyes on mine.”

I hold his stare, biting my lip when his thrusts become stronger, deeper. My walls start clenching him and a growl erupts from the back of his throat.

Flutters start forming in my stomach and move throughout my body. I feel weightless and the same time my limbs go numb. Starbursts start flashing in my eyes, sending sparks over my skin. The building orgasm leaves me gasping for breath, but unable to pull in enough air.

Nick lets go of my hair, but I keep my eyes on him as he watches me. The intensity and emotion in his gaze are so overwhelming I almost look away. I know he sees my own feelings in mine. There’s no way I could hide them from him in that moment and there’s no way I can look away. My heart and body belong to him and he has to see that, which scares me.

His hands move between our bodies and he pinches my clit. I scream his name as an explosion of sensations rushes through me. I feel like I’m flying. It takes me higher than I’ve ever been before. I clamp down on him as my release slams into me, sending me soaring and exploding into a million tiny pieces.

My back slides up and down the wall as he aggressively fucks me. He grunts and growls with each thrust forward. A moment later he throws his head back and lets out a low groan as he finds his own release.

He hunches his weight against me, pinning me against the wall. But I don’t care. Knowing I was able to do this to him sends immense pleasure through me. I’ll gladly take his weight anytime he needs.

After several seconds, he pulls back to look at me. “You okay?”

I give him a soft smile. “Yeah.” I smooth my fingers over his face. “Just please don’t let me down. My legs are jelly, and I don’t think I can stand.”

He chuckles. “Wanna shower? I can hold you while we do it.”

“Can’t,” I tell him tiredly. The stress of the last week is getting to me, and I’m suddenly exhausted. “Just want my bed.”

He leans forward and places a soft kiss to my lips.

“You got it,” he says, and with him still inside me, turns to walk to the bedroom. I bury my face in his neck.

“Shit,” I mutter. “Forgot the food.”

I feel him stop and turn. I look up as he heads to the kitchen. Without setting me down, he grabs an oven mitt, opens the oven door, and pulls the food from it.

“You can put me down now,” I say with a giggle.

“Nope. Where’s the tinfoil?”

Holding me while he puts the food away is completely ridiculous, but I can’t find the wherewithal to care though. It’s certainly interesting to feel, because he’s still inside of me. I can’t help the couple of moans that slip free as he moves around. I point to the shelf beside the stove. He grabs the box of tinfoil, tears off a piece, and covers the pan. After, he places it in the fridge. He flips the light off and we leave the kitchen.

Entering the bedroom, he puts me down on the bed, dislodging himself from me. I whimper at the sudden loss.

He smirks at me and says, “Be back.”

A minute later, he comes out holding a rag, just as I knew he would, just as he has every time we have sex. After he cleans his release from me, he tosses the rag aside and climbs into bed beside me.

Guilt starts eating at me when I remember I still haven’t told him about the baby. I shouldn’t have let what happened happen. I should have told him first. I feel his arms come around my waist. Tears appear in my eyes, but I blink them away. I want one more night with him. Just one more night, before I destroy the one thing I want most in the world.
 

Nick

My head tilts back, and I feel the sun shining down on my face. Opening my eyes, I see the leaves blowing in the wind and the sunlight filtering through the canopy of trees.

A giggle off to my left grabs my attention, and I look that way. I take a few steps closer when I see a little girl on the tire swing in my yard. I’m standing to the side of her, about fifty yards away. She has beautiful long brown hair. She’s too far away to see her eyes. The yellow dress she’s wearing sways back and forth with each forward and backward motion of the swing. She looks to be about five years old. She’s absolutely gorgeous and when she laughs, her whole face lights up.

“Hi, Daddy!” she yells. I stumble back a step in shock. My throat clogs up when I realize this precious little girl is mine. A big smile breaks across my face and the instant love I feel for this amazing child is so fierce it’s indescribable. I just saw her for the first time, but she already owns my heart.

She continues to laugh as she swings her legs, making the swing go higher. All I can do is stand there and watch, completely mesmerized by the sight before me.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” comes a quiet voice beside me. I look over, not surprised when I see Anna standing there looking at the little girl. After all, if this little girl is mine, then she has to be Anna’s as well.

I look from her to my daughter, then back to Anna.

“She is. But I always knew our kids would be.”

Anna brings her eyes to me and they hold sadness, but beneath that sadness lies what looks like a glimpse of hope. She takes a step toward me and lays her hand on my chest, right over my heart. I want to pull her into my arms, but I stop myself, not liking the sorrow in her eyes. What is there to be sad about?

“She’s not ours, Nick,” she whispers softly.

Her words confuse me. How can she not be ours? She called me daddy, so that mean she has to be mine, and there’s no other woman who would bear my child. I would never allow that. Anna is mine and I’m hers. How can she say that the little girl isn’t ours? It’s not fucking possible.

Anna looks away from me and back toward the girl on the swing. I follow her line of sight and my breath catches. My brows pull down into a frown when I see a lone figure off in the distance. Her red hair blows in the wind and her black dress whispers across her legs. Her head is bent as she looks at her clasped hands. When she looks back up, her green eyes land on the girl on the swing. Even from this far away, I see tears sliding down her cheeks. Seeing the anguish on Chris’s face sends a sharp pain straight to my heart.

“This can be your future, Nick,” Anna says gently, gesturing to the girl.

I whip my head around to face her. Her stunning blue eyes capture mine.

“What? No! This is
our
future, Anna!” I implore, then feel a pinch in my stomach when I realize that can’t be true. Anna is no longer here.

“Be happy for me, before it’s too late. Don’t give up on love,” she says, ignoring me.

“Anna—” I start, but don’t finish. I want to repeat to her what I said the night she died. I want to tell her I could never be happy without her, could never love another. That she is my one and only and my world is dark without her in it. But the way she’s looking at me, pleading with her eyes, stops me.

“Please don’t leave me,” I beg her instead with a broken whisper. “Please stay with me.”

She smiles sadly. “You know I can’t. But you can be happy if only you’ll let yourself. This can be your future, if only you’ll grab on to it.”

I look back at the little girl on the swing and then to Chris beyond her. Something shifts in my stomach and my chest feels tight. I want to run to Chris and take away her pain. Panic sets in, and I swing my eyes back to Anna.

“I don’t want a future if you can’t be in it. I want only you, Anna.”

“Let me go, Nick,” she says in a voice that sounds faraway. My breaths come faster when I realize she’s starting to fade.

“Anna!” I yell and run to her, only to have my fingers slide through her. “Please, don’t leave! Anna!”

“Let go, Nick, before it’s too late,” she says again, her voice carried away in the wind.

I drop to my knees and scream to the sky…

I jackknife up in bed and clutch my pounding head, pulling at my hair. My stomach flips at the dream I just had. There’s no fucking way that will come true. No way Chris and I are ever having kids. Even as I think it, I hear Anna’s voice in my head telling me to be happy. The image of the little girl comes to mind and pain slashes through me. And ache forms deep inside.

You
do
want that dream to come true
, my own voice says in my head.
You want it so much you ache for it
.

“Nick?” Chris says from behind me.

When her fingers graze my back, I jerk away and jump out of bed. I stumble in my haste to get my clothes on. I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t be near her right now.

“Nick, what’s going on?” Chris says, her voice laced with panic.

I pull my jeans up my legs, and without looking at her, I tell her, “I’ve got to go.”

My shirt comes on next, when I sense her getting out of bed. She comes to stand beside me.

“Tell me what happened. What is it? Another dream?” She lays a hand on my arm, but I snatch it away.

“I just need to leave. I can’t be here right now.” I go for my boots next. Sitting on the side of the bed, I yank them on.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Chris says, her voice cracking. I look at her and see the same pain I saw in my dream. My stomach plummets at the sight. I yank my hands through my hair. “I can’t, Nick. I thought I could, but it hurts too much.”

I walk to her on numb legs. I know this is it. I knew from the beginning it would end. I also knew I would end up hurting her. The one woman who could give me everything, and all I’ve ever given her is pain. I’m a bastard, and I hate myself for every bastard thing I’ve done to her.

She doesn’t look at me as I stand in front of her. Needing to see her eyes, I put my hands on her cheeks and bring her face up to mine. Resting my forehead against hers, I watch as silent tears fall down her face.

“I’m so sorry, Chris,” I tell her with a thick voice. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. For every pain I’ve caused you. I wish so much I could be different, that I could be the man you deserve. The man who could give you every part of himself. I can’t be him. I don’t possess all the pieces of me to give. You deserve someone whole, and I’ll never be whole again. I’ll never be brave enough to take that chance on love again. It broke me last time. This time, with you, it would destroy me.”

A sob escapes her throat. She brings her hands to my stomach and clenches her fists into my shirt. I lean down to kiss her lips softly one more time. Pulling back, I look at her face and see the heartache I’ve caused.

I let her go and walk away. I’m at the door when she stops me with her words, making my heart pound rapidly inside my chest and my lungs freeze.

“I love you,” she says on a sob.

I squeeze my eyes shut, so fucking scared of her words. I drop my head and keep my back to her.

“I just wanted you to know. I love you, Nick. I have for a long time. And I know if you had let me in your heart I could have made you happy. I know you think you don’t have any love left to give. But what you don’t get is, love is endless. There’re no measurements or an end to love. The heart can hold any amount. It can be scary and frightening and it can be hard, but it can also be beautiful. The beauty comes after all the scary and hard stuff. You just have to work through it and earn it. I may not be what you want, but I could have given that to you. We could have given it to each other. I hope one day you can find your happiness, even if that isn’t with me.”