Awakened Desires (22 page)

She collapsed on the bed and cried herself to sleep. What seemed like minutes later, screams bellowing through the house startled her awake.

As I lay in bed, I regretted everything that happened with Quinn. I wasn’t used to being rejected and she shut me down at an alarming rate. It happened so quickly, my bollocks hightailed it right up to my liver. I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. I sighed, closed my eyes, and drifted off. Without pause, the images and sounds of my past started plowing through my head.

-September 2002-

My thirty-year-old self was standing in front of Roger in one of the training rooms with my entire set of recruits behind me. One of which included Cock-up. Roger interrupted my class when he saw me chumming it up with Gabriel and Finlay, two of my recruits.

He was glaring at me in his black t-shirt and military-style cargoes. I wanted to gouge his fucking eyes out. He only had ten years on me, but he thought he was a fucking deity. I should have killed him for everything he had done to me, but I was scared as hell. One false move and he would have pulled out his Sig and put a hole between my eyes, painting the wall behind me with my tainted matter.

My life sucked. I was injected, beaten, tased, and ridiculed endlessly. Just once in my life, I wanted to have a pair of brass bollocks and take the motherfucker out. I was so much bigger than him. I could snap his neck in a second—my signature move.

“You didn’t perform like I needed you to today.” Roger began to pace as he spoke with venom. I would have pissed myself…if I wasn’t clenching down so hard. I knew what was coming, and I was tired of the pain. My face still had bruises from the last punches. “I need you strong and tough. I need you angry. I need you ready to fight at all times. You did not show me that today.” He stopped in front of me. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

My eyes drifted to the floor. “I apologize for my lack of trying today, sir.”

Roger chuckled. “Lack of trying. Lack of effort. Lack of bollocks. Lack of everything that I need in a trainer.”

“Again, I apologize for my transgressions.”

Roger shook his head at my statement. “This relationship will not work this way, Gunther. You came highly recommended to me from Kellan and Drew. They insisted you would make a fine trainer once you worked your way through the program. But you are failing…just as I assumed you would.” He smirked at me. I wanted to kick his teeth in, but I couldn’t. “Glad they stopped making gits like you for the program. Pulling them in off the streets is more cost effective.”

“I will try harder, sir.” I was stern-faced.

I wanted that position within the program because it would get me fewer beatings. I needed to buck up, even though I was the only one of the four in charge that got the abuse. I felt like they were hazing me and I was their whipping-boy.

“Hmm… How am I supposed to believe you?”

“I will sacrifice myself to you right now.” I looked down, ashamed.

“You will volunteer for a beating?” He sounded slightly surprised, but quite amused.

“Yes, sir. You are correct. I’m volunteering.” It was absolutely humiliating in front of every one of the recruits that I was supposed to be training. I wanted to blat like a bloody baby.

“Excellent. Drew!” Roger called out to Drew, who was lingering by the door.

“Yes, sir?” Drew said with a huge grin.

“Take this filth to the room, and the rest of these pissants can follow along. This will be fucking brilliant.” Roger stormed away. Drew grabbed me by the neck and shoved me out the door and down the hall toward the punishment room.

I stumbled into the room and Drew pushed me down into the metal folding chair. My set of recruits quietly filed in. I looked up at the mirror, staring at myself. I needed to keep my game face on and build up my stone exterior. I couldn’t let anyone get past it, no matter how humiliating it was or how much pain I was in.

Drew zip-tied my ankles to the chair, then pulled my arms around behind me and tied them together. The familiar feel of the zip-ties biting through my skin made me feel volumes of hate.

Focus
.
I needed to focus and stay tight. I shut my eyes momentarily to dial myself in. The blindfold was tied around my eyes. “Want to say anything before I gag you?” I shook my head. “Excellent.” The gag was drawn tightly through my mouth, jacking my jaw open. It was so bloody taut, I felt like my cheeks were going to tear.

My nerves raced through my body as I waited in the heavy silence. An additional pair of heavy boots enter the room. Roger. I tried to control the shudder that was coursing through my body.

“Ahhh. Very nice, Drew. Very nice, indeed.” He stopped in front of me. I have seen this done many times, participated in it more than a few times, experienced it more times than I cared to admit. “Are you sure you want to be punished?” I nodded once. “Deserving?” I nodded again. “Excellent.”

A fist connected to my jaw. Fucker brass-knuckled me! I exhaled loudly. It hurt like a hell, but I forced myself to stay tight.

“How was that? Want another?” I nodded once. A fist connected to the same side of my face. My cheek split open and blood trickled down my face. My jaw trembled as I exhaled through the gag again.

“You going to cry, you bird?” Roger said while Drew laughed. I shook my head. “Maybe you should. Let’s show these recruits how tough you aren’t.”
Oh fuck, no. Please, no.
“Everyone line up here. Single file,” he barked.

The shuffle of ten pairs of boots, then Drew’s cool breath hit my face. “Just because we know how small your bollocks are, they will get you with their bare fists.” I swallowed. “You good with that?” I nodded. “Brilliant. All right, lads and lass. One at a time. You get three shots a piece. Anywhere on his body is fair game.”

“Sir, may I opt out?”

Shit, you prat!
He would end up next to me. I willed him to keep his fucking mouth shut.

“Devon, is it?” Drew asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you want a seat next to him?”

“No, sir.”

“Then do as you are instructed.” Drew’s voice was full of venom.

“Yes, sir.” Roger chuckled over the interaction.

“Let’s get on with this,” Roger drawled. “I’m getting bored. I have meals to eat, booze to drink, and a couple birds waiting for me to fuck.”

The first pair of boots shuffle up to me. A fist connected to the side of my face that was untouched. Then again to my temple. Then once to my throat. I barked out a cough. One down, nine more to go.

The boots shuffled.

A muscled arm wrapped around my neck and a fist pummeled my abdomen three times. Once more punch and I may have heaved. Two down, eight more.

The boots shuffled.

The next fist hit my already cut cheek, under my chin, then my stomach. I dry heaved. There was a roll of laughter from Roger and Drew. I was beyond humiliated. Three down, seven more.

The boots shuffled.

The next fist beat my John Thomas viciously. Only a girl would do that. I dry heaved again. My eyes filled with tears from the pain. I was so fucking thankful for the blindfold so they couldn’t see my weakness. Four down, six more.

The boots shuffled.

The next fist was the worst with three punches straight to my mouth. My teeth decided to give way. I had no idea how many would fall out when they took the gag off, but the blood was pooling in my mouth. I tried to push it out with my tongue.

Half-way there.

The beating went on for another fifteen minutes until the boots stopped shuffling. My body shook from the pain. My face and chest were soaked in my own sweat and blood. A pair of cutters clip the wrist ties, then the ankle ties. My legs wobbled when I tried to move them.

“Get to the clinic and get cleaned up. Looks like you will need some dental work, as well.” Drew chuckled as he untied my gag. I spit out several front teeth and a mouthful of blood. Then he untied my blindfold. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a swollen, bloodied mess. I tried to stand, but cramps were building throughout both of my thighs. Another roll of laughter came from them.

Devon stepped up and grabbed my arm. “I will help you, sir.” I nodded once, completely humiliated. “Put your arm around my shoulders.” I heard another round of laughter and some jeering.

“No kissing, lads!” Drew yelled out. Devon helped me walk about five feet before I could say anything.

“Thank you, Devon.” My eyes started to swell shut.

“You’re welcome, sir.”

When he helped me into the clinic, the nurse gasped when she saw my injuries. She called in the dental surgeon and doctor.

“Set him down here.” I felt her warm hands on my cold skin, but I couldn’t see a bloody thing. “God, if I didn’t need this pay to put my twins through university, I would get out of here. I can’t believe what they do to you lads.”

“I’m all right.” My voice was a little garbled and my entire body was wracked with pain.

“Yes, it looks that way.” She jacked my eyelids open. “You need blood.” I heard her storm away and seconds later, she was cranking my jaw open and pouring vials down my throat. I almost choked. “That should help for the moment.”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.” I could barely speak through my swollen face.

“Shh… Save your energy. The doctor will look you over and we will see what we can do about your teeth.” Before I knew it, I passed out.

-November 2014-

Quinn leapt out of bed when she heard the screaming coming from Gunther’s room. She yanked open her door and met Josie in the hallway. Gage opened his door and peeked out, curious about the ruckus going on in the middle of the night. He grumbled when he realized it was Gunther and slammed the door shut.

“What’s wrong with him?” Josie asked. “Is he hurt?”

“I don’t know.” Quinn rushed to his door and banged on it several times, yelling for Gunther to open it.

I sat straight up in bed and jammed my hands in my mouth, checking for missing teeth. Shortly after the beating, the dental surgeon removed the broken teeth and put eight implants in. I didn’t realize I was screaming until I heard Quinn yelling outside my door.

“Gunther? Are you okay? Can I come in?” She didn’t wait for an answer. I was panting and sweating. She raced over to the bed. “What happened? Are you okay?”

It took me a few seconds to respond. “Just a nightmare,” I panted out. She grabbed a towel off the back of the chair and lovingly blotted the sweat off my face. “Thank you.” She looked magnificent in the dimness of the moonlight. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I swallowed hard.

“Are you sure you are all right? Do you want to talk about it?” She took a hard look at my face.

“I’m fine, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. It was just a nightmare.” She rested her hand on my bare shoulder and got up off the bed.

“Okay, well… I hope you can fall back to sleep. Goodnight,” she whispered as she left the room. After she closed the door, I fell back on the bed.

I respected Devon…until the day I was forced to make him turn. Roger said he wasn’t fit for the program. My instructions were to force him to turn, then pick a recruit to make him true dead. I chose Cock-up. It affected me tremendously, but it prepared me for the next one a week later.

My face screwed up into a cry. I was such a motherfucker. In silence, I cried for what felt like an eternity. My stomach hurt so badly from trying to keep my cries in. In effort to muffle any sound that was escaping, I pulled my blanket over my face. I laid there clutching it until I calmed down enough to doze back off.

Awkward conversations and glares filled the next week. Once again, I was in dire need of a fix and was on the verge of snapping. I’m not sure whose brill fucking idea it was for all of us to go out looking for supplies together, but it wasn’t mine. Not a good time for someone in my predicament.

“What’s going on with you, Gunther? You look like you’re in pain. You didn’t get bit or anything like that, did you?” Josie asked, concern in her voice.

“No, Josie. It’s nothing,” I snapped. “I’m fine.” I rubbed my temples, hopelessly trying to fight off the blaring headache that was coming up on me like a stampede of giant elephants. I closed my eyes and continued to rub, hoping it would subside. I knew better, though. There was only one thing that would cure my ailments, at least temporarily.

“Maybe it’s just some stress.” Josie was showing concern for me, but I was far from being receptive. She had asked me about my obvious pain issues quite often over the past several days. “Can I get you something?”

I burst out laughing. “I can think of one thing…”

Josie’s jaw dropped. “You are such a pig! I already told you I’m not like that!”

I sighed. Children. They always thought everything was about them. “Scotch, you twat! I was thinking scotch. Bloody hell.” I definitely wasn’t thinking scotch. I was thinking of some fresh, clean blood straight from the vein. Although, a few fingers of scotch would have been nice.

Josie looked down at the ground and pushed the dirt around with her torn sneaker. I felt a little bad about snapping at her, but my symptoms were coming on hard. I hadn’t had a fix since those vials I snuck when I rescued her. I also hadn’t had a large volume since I picked up Gage. I was in desperate need and was seriously contemplating telling Quinn.

“Maybe it’s a bit of dehydration.” Josie blushed. I don’t think she meant to imply anything, and neither did I. “Here, take mine.” Josie held her bottle of water out to me. I grabbed it and took a few sips to make it look good.

I was sitting on a large boulder next to a guardrail, looking around at the riff raff that was tagging along with me. An innocent young girl; a power hungry, douchey lad, who was always eyeing me; and, the best of my crew, a rather beautiful, experienced woman…who was married, as she reminded me
repeatedly
.

Stupid fucking married. I swear I wanted to find her husband and choke the life out of him, living or unliving.

I shook my head, wishing I had found others who had military or survivalist training, but I was stuck with what I had found thus far. In the near future, I hoped I would find some better equipped candidates to help me continue the program and finish up my mission. I should have planned better instead of not planning at all. That was my number one mistake.

“So wha’s the plan, cap’n?” I was a bit surprised that he moved on from Grunt and Tough Guy speak, to something sort of understandable. Gage was pissed off all the time. He stood, arms crossed, waiting for a response, ensuring that I saw his bitty bulging biceps. I wasn’t impressed. Apparently, he hadn’t had a good enough look at mine. Quinn and Josie were nervously waiting for a response.

I muttered, “We should press on, of course.”

“So you expect us to walk through this heat?” Josie chirped. I still didn’t understand why it was so bloody hot in the fall.

Gage turned around and stepped into Josie’s face. “You’d rather us hang here and be sittin’ ducks for other humans or undeads?” Gage never disappointed. He towered over her small frame and was practically spitting in her face, which went white from fear.

“No. I-I-I j-j-just…,” she stuttered.

“Jus’ what? “Jus’ what, Josie? Answer me!”

“All right, Gage. Dial it back.” Quinn went over and grabbed Josie by the arm, pulling her over to the tree she was standing under.

Quinn hardly ever spoke up against Gage or me, unless we were out of line or in each other’s faces, but she didn’t like seeing Josie getting bullied. I’d done worse to others, so I had no room to talk.

I stood up. “Obviously, we need to find gas. We’ll go back to the house, make plans to press on, and keep moving north and try to find Henry.” I wanted to get to the previously arranged meeting place up in North Carolina and wipe that bitch face of his all over the ocean.

Gage threw his arms up in the air. “Henry, Henry, fuckin’ Henry. That’s all we ever hear about. Goin’ ta find Henry!” He stalked off into the woods that were adjacent to the highway where the truck ran out of gas.

“Damn it! He’s such a fucking prat,” I growled to myself. “Quinn, go to the truck and see if you can scrounge up something to eat. I’ll be back in a few.”

My knees popped as I stood up and stormed off after Gage…leaving my weapons behind. In hindsight, I should have at least brought my knife.

Every step to find Gage caused me to cringe in pain. “Gage! Gage! Goddamn it. Come back here!” I was extraordinarily pissed.

Gage taking off not only put him in danger, but it put the rest of the group in danger, as well. I felt responsible and needed to go find him. Not that I cared if something or someone ate him. It would serve him right, the arse.

Suddenly, I was in a headlock, had a gun to my temple, and my nose was crammed right into Gage’s foul armpit. “Fuck you, Gunther. Struggle or yell and I’ll blow your fuckin’ brains out. Got it?”

“Yeah,” I said, muffled.

He was pretty rank, making me gag. It’d been a several weeks since anyone had a proper shower, and obviously deodorant just wasn’t a priority for some people in these mad times, even though we had plenty in our supply stash. At the very least, he could have washed up.

“I’m goin’ ta let you go and if you holler, run, or fight, you’ll find yourself with a hole in your head.”

“All right,” I coughed.

Finally, Gage let me out of his death pit. It took me a few seconds to catch my breath and force back the pain that I was in. I was pretty sure that I would rather smell rotting undeads versus that atrocity again.

“Now, see, I knew you’d follow if I left. Chalk one up fer me.” He licked his grime-stained forefinger and drew an imaginary tick mark in the air. “So here’s wha’s gonna happen. Number one: I’m in charge of this gang of shi’heads. Number two: You and my gang of shi’heads will listen ta wha’ I say. Number three: There’s no Henry. And last but not leas’: I’m in charge. Have I mentioned that yet?”

He had a smug grin on his face. I didn’t want him anywhere near Quinn or Josie. In a snap, I slipped into program mode. The fucker had no idea what was about to hit him. I stood there showing no emotion, just as I was trained to do.

“Let’s march, shall we? Go on. You in front. Remember, one false move and you’ll find yourself undead dinner.” I nodded, still showing no emotion.

I felt like I was back in training. I had a flash of Roger spitting in my face. The anger burned through my insides, but I forced myself to stay calm.

As we marched back up to the road, all I could think about was keeping the women safe and getting my fix. Each step brought me more pain than the prior one. My head was really pounding. I knew if I went much longer, everyone would notice what was happening.

Think fast, arsehole.
Two paces away was a long section of rusty metal reinforcement bar.

Bing-
fucking
-o.

I pretended to trip, and as I tumbled to the ground, I grabbed the rebar and tucked it under my body. Not noticing, Gage ran up to me to force me back up. I flipped over and brutally drove the rebar straight into his chest.

I held him there for a moment, staring into his deadening eyes. I could see the life rapidly draining from his face. Gage collapsed on his knees, gasping for air, as I sat up. The feel of warm blood running onto my hand had juiced me up even more than knowing he was history.

A shudder ran through my body as the intoxicating bouquet filled my nasal passages. I took a moment and licked the trail of red glory that was collecting in the crook of my arm.

Fuck, yeah.

I looked back up at his face. He was choking on his last breaths, but I had to make something perfectly clear before he walked through the fiery gates of hell. “Fuck you, Gage,” I growled. “I do believe we’re even now. Just a few things for you to remember: I’m the beginning and the ending of this, and now
you’re
undead food.” Then, so quickly that Gage never even dropped, I pulled the rebar out and forcefully drove it up under his chin and straight through his brain. He gagged for a moment, then went completely limp. His flame went out and I got busy.

The fresher the blood I drank, the stronger and better I felt. I tore open his throat and drew as much out of him as I could. It was an instant euphoric feeling and J.T. went painfully rigid.

My headache was retreating and the buzz in my mind was quieting. I had my fill and released Gage’s body, which face-planted on the ground. I stumbled back and crashed arse over tits to the ground myself.

I needed to stay still for a minute and enjoy the fresh life running through my tainted body. “Bloody hell. That was brill,” I whispered.

My mind was swirling with a flurry of activity. I felt my body temperature rising slightly, my joints were loosening up and, for the first time in a few weeks, I felt as if I were alive. I was high—absolutely and utterly high. The endorphin rush was making my nerves dance all over my body.

Fuck me.
Time was moving slowly. Tick-tock. I felt like I was tumbling down the rabbit hole in slow motion. My thoughts were dragging and my eyelids were half-closed. It was the most glorious feeling, and I hadn’t felt it in such a long time.

I waved my hand in front of my face and it left a trail of hands behind it. I chuckled. My skin felt super sensitive against my dirty, gore-stained clothes, making me itch. I shifted around in the brush, trying to scratch that impossible itch. I closed my eyes, trying to settle down.

“Gunther! Gage! Where are you?”

My mind clicked back to reality. It was Josie. “Shit.” I sat up. I looked down at myself and saw I had blood splatter all over me. In a panic, I wiped my face on my sleeve, trying to rid myself of any evidence of the mind-blowing ingestion of Gage’s blood.

“Gunther! Gage!” She sounded more worried.

“Shut it, Josie! You will attract them.” I struggled to a standing position and my brain spun opposite of the earth. “Shit.” I leaned down and put my hands on my knees to help catch my breath and steady myself. I heard a branch snap a couple feet away. I turned around and Josie was standing there, jaw dropped and trembling all over. “Josie, it’s not what you think,” I mumbled. For a moment, I thought I had been exposed.

She raised her gun. “Stay away. Don’t come near me.” I held my hands up in front of my chest, noting the haze around her. I was still in a euphoric state. I did my damnedest to focus on her. I jammed my forefinger and thumb into my eyes in effort to coax them into working properly.

“Josie, please, let me explain.”

When I was finally able to get close enough to get a proper look at her face, she had tears running down it. “You killed him?” Not that she liked Gage, or he liked her. He didn’t like anyone. “What’s wrong with you? You look weird.” Her voice was shaking as much as the gun in her hand. Obviously, she had seen enough death to last a lifetime.

I needed to think fast about the euphoric look on my face. “When I came up on him, he clocked me in the head. Josie…put the gun down.” I spoke calmly, but assertively as I tried to collect myself.

“Why did you kill him?” she trembled.

“Put the gun down and I will explain everything.”

“No.” She seemed somewhat empowered standing there, holding it.

“Josie…” I started walking toward her again.

“Stay back!” she screamed.

“Okay, okay.” I took a step back. I didn’t feel like eating lead for dinner. A nice filet would have been delectable, though. “I had to kill him. He tackled me from behind and threatened all of us. I was out of options. It was either let him take us over, or I would be dead. I had to protect you two.”

I knew I sounded believable. After all, it was the truth. My feelings for Quinn were developing into something more than I understood, and I couldn’t let anything happen to Josie. She was too young and too innocent in all of this.

“Why should I believe you?” she was shaking all over.

“I would not betray your trust. You trust me, don’t you?” Josie swallowed hard.

Quinn came down from the road. “What’s going on?” She gasped when she saw me all bloodied, then let out a loud scream when she saw Gage in a crumpled pile on the ground behind me.

“Shhh!” I said. “Please don’t scream again. You will attract undeads.”

“What the hell happened?” she asked in the most heated voice I had heard from her yet.

“He claims Gage tackled him from behind and threatened to kill him and take over,” Josie retorted.

Quinn examined the situation, and you could see she was running the words over and over through her head. She put her hands on her hips and thrust her chest out, chewing on her bottom lip. Jesus Christ, she was sexy as hell, even in her tousled state.

Come on, beautiful. Side with me. I need you to side with me, my love. Wait. What the fuck was that? My love? Shit.
I scrubbed my face with my blood-stained hands.

“Is that what really happened?” Quinn questioned.

“Yes. You’ve got to believe me.” My eyes ticked back to the barrel pointed at my head. “Please, Josie, lower the gun,” I plead.

Quinn turned to her, placing her hand tenderly on Josie’s forearm. “We have to trust him. It’s okay. I’m sure he’s telling the truth.” Quinn stepped in front of the gun and locked eyes with the girl. She reached out and tucked a strand of dirty hair behind Josie’s ear. “Hand me the gun, sweetheart.”

Josie reluctantly handed Quinn the gun. I breathed a loud sigh of relief. Quinn tucked the Sig in the back of her pants as Josie fell into her and cried. “I’m sorry,” she said through her tears.

“It’s okay. This is a lot for someone your age. Frankly, for anyone.” Quinn was trying to console her as she would her own daughter. I admired her ability to be compassionate. It was something I needed to work on more.