Awakening on Orbis (28 page)

All I had to do was jump. I had done it before.
But that was different,
I tried to reason. Ketheria was in danger. That’s what triggered my jump, and the time in the food chamber I was simply angry.
Then get angry.

I clenched my fist and snorted. Then I narrowed my eyes. I recalled every cliché I could think of to express my anger. Then I thought about Switzer and Queykay, even Odran and Weegin. I thought about the time Weegin tried to sell us, and I thought about my life on the
Renaissance.
The anger smoldered, and soon a small flame ignited all those things I wanted to say but never did. I was getting very angry now. I could feel it. I stood up and concentrated on the spot near the light chute. Oh, I was mad, really mad. . . .

Nothing.

I screamed. I guess I wasn’t mad enough. I lay back on the platform with my hands behind my head. My headache, the one always lurking just behind my eyes, raged against my forehead now. I reached into my pocket for one of the tablets, hoping for relief, but I paused before popping it into my mouth. These things weren’t stopping me, were they? I didn’t eat much or even sleep much when I took them, and it made me wonder if they were part of the problem. It seemed unlikely, but I still tossed the tablet over the edge. In fact, I turned my pocket inside out and let all of the tablets tumble into the void. I waited to hear if the tablets ever hit bottom, but I never heard a thing.
Must be too small to make a sound, anyway,
I told myself.

Then the lights went out.

I think I fell asleep shortly after the place went dark. I remember staring up at the soft blue haze in the ceiling and wondering about Max. I didn’t dream about her. In fact, I don’t remember dreaming about anything at all. I woke to the sound of Space Jumpers filing into the training area. I saw Switzer and Gora and then immediately looked up. Chausau should be descending upon my platform like he always did, but I saw nothing. Instead I heard him across the way. He had used the light chute, bypassing me completely. They were ignoring me, I realized.

I sat and watched Switzer make his first jump with the belt. After several tandem jumps with another Space Jumper, he moved from one platform to another. The others cheered and gathered around him, thumping him on his back. I could see him smiling even from where I sat. I hope he enjoyed the smell of stinky feet.

Gora was next. I watched him fidget with his belt as if he was checking and re-checking something, or everything, while the others waited patiently. When he did manage to jump, he found himself teetering close to the edge of the other platform. So close that he almost missed his mark entirely. Everyone remained breathless, even me, until he steadied himself and found solid footing. He turned and thrust his arms into the air, his tentacles wiping widely about, and a cheer erupted.

“Goodie for you,” I said.

They made it look so easy with the belt.
Why not just give me one?
I could learn the harder way later. I wanted to be next so badly. I wanted the others to cheer as I jumped from platform to platform. I knew I could skip across every one of them if they just gave me one of those stupid belts. I sat back, concentrating on the platform they were all standing on. I would show them. I’d jump over there and demand a belt. I focused hard, willing every cell of my body away from the space I was currently occupying. I dove deep inside, looking for any exit out of my current reality. Something tingled. I was close. A little more.

Nothing.

I looked up, and Chausau was making them jump again. I couldn’t hear what he said, but everyone stood still, listening carefully. I turned my back to them and started thinking about my stomach. Despite the nausea, I was starving. Right now I was so hungry, I’d even eat that slop Odran used to feed us. I tried to concentrate on the food hall. Maybe the hunger would help me. But I found nothing to grab on to. Why wouldn’t they give me some sort of instruction? This was ridiculous.

I sat firmly rooted in my self-pity and continued to watch the triumphs of the Hollow’s newest recruits. Switzer seemed more confident than Gora, jumping much faster and even able to pick up an object from one platform while jumping to another. I saw him for only a split second before he appeared on the platform far to my right. Gora was a little slower. I supposed he was having trouble setting the coordinates in the belt fast enough. Maybe he wasn’t that attuned to working with his softwire. I wanted to jump so bad that the pain was worse than the hole now growing in my stomach.

After nearly a cycle, they all left, not a single one of them acknowledging me or even glancing in my direction. I curled up on the floor, hoping sleep would come quickly. I did try to jump once more, but it was useless. I didn’t know what to do.

“Wake up,” something shouted as I felt the weight of a boot push against my ribs.

I opened my eyes to find Chausau standing above me.

“I can’t do it,” I mumbled, and curled back up.

This time Chausau kicked me. “That’s because you’re weak.”

“No, it’s because no one has shown me how to do it. You show Switzer and Gora how to work their belts. Everyone is there helping them learn, but I’m supposed to figure it out myself. Why?”

“You were given all of the skills to perform your task. In fact, you have already done it. No one can show you because you are the only one who can do it. Yet you sit here as if someone owes you something. As if it is our responsibility to take your hand and do it for you. You are pathetic, and you are lazy.”

“Yeah, well, you’re ugly.”

Five other Space Jumpers appeared on my platform. Each of them was carrying some sort of teal-colored piece of metal. The strain in their muscles told me that the pieces were heavy.

“On your knees, Jumper,” Chausau ordered.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“On your knees!” Chausau kicked me again, lifting me off the floor. I got on my knees. Two of the Space Jumpers moved in and placed their pieces of metal on either side of me. They pushed them together, slamming against my knees. I lifted my knees, and the pieces slid together perfectly, stopping at my waist, with barely enough room left for me. I could feel the rough iron against my legs, my hips, even my feet.

“Chausau, what are you doing?”

“Put your arms out in front of you.”

“Why?”

“Do it!” Chausau screamed in my face, and my arms shot forward, a survival reflex.

The other two Jumpers placed two more pieces of the puzzle around my chest, shoulders, and arms, locking me in the metal cocoon. The only part of me that was exposed was my head. I couldn’t hold the weight of the thing, and I toppled forward, slamming against the platform. The sound of metal striking metal rang across the void.

“What are you doing, Chausau?” I pleaded.

I tried to look up, but the metal was too close to the base of my skull. All I could do was stare at their feet.

“You wanted help. This is how I will help you.”

“By locking me up? I already can’t get off this platform.”

“You’re not staying here,” he whispered.

I watched the feet move away from me. “Where are you going?” I screamed.

Then I heard a clink, and then another. I felt myself lift off the platform. Something was pulling me into the air. When I cleared the platform, I could see the other Jumpers watching as I pulled away. Chausau was not there.

“Chausau, where are you?”

“I’m right here,” I heard him say from somewhere behind me. He must have been standing on me as I was pulled into the air.

“Please tell me what’s going on.”

“Your mind is your worst enemy, Softwire. The Nagools tried to bring you through your awakening their way, but now we will do it my way.”

This is what Ketheria was talking about. What were they going to do me? I could hardly see the platform below me as the mist around me grew thicker. I could feel the cold moisture against my face, but then it was gone, as if we had slipped through some atmospheric cloud. I pushed against the metal cocoon, but there was no wiggle room. The metal fit as close as my own skin. But the more I pushed, the less I began to feel the metal. I couldn’t move, yet I could no longer feel anything pushing against my skin. It was maddening.

In front of me I could see the plate metal wall, scarred with hooks and bare bolts. The space closed in, tapering as I rose higher and higher. Then I passed another metal cocoon bolted to the wall. It looked identical to the pieces that were placed around me. Was he going to mount me to the wall like some trophy? My metal mold swung toward the wall. Then I heard the sound of a small motor as I rotated up, my hands and knees now pointing toward the wall in front of me. To my left was another one of the metal molds. It was empty.

My cocoon hit the wall with a clank, and Chausau was now balancing himself on my arm. I heard more whirring and clicking as I was fastened in place on the wall.

“Please, Chausau, don’t do this,” I begged.

“A disciplined mind is a Space Jumper’s best ally.”

“I don’t want to be a Space Jumper, Chausau, really I don’t.”

“Hush now. You will thank me when it is over.”

Then I felt a vibration at the back of my neck, and something began to crawl across my skull, then over my eyes, and then over my mouth. My lips brushed against the crimpled surface. It was more metal, but the sensation of something pressing against my mouth soon disappeared. Finally the thing sealed itself around my neck. I screamed out, “No!” and felt my own hot breath fall back against my skin. Chausau did not answer. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing, and soon I was no longer able to feel the warmth of it pushing back against my face.

“Chausau!” I screamed once more, and the material covering my face spilled into my open mouth. I clenched down, pushing whatever it was out of my mouth, but then the sensation of that slipped away as well. I didn’t know if the stuff had worked its way down my throat or if I had been successful in pushing all of it out.

My mind scrambled for some solution, rattling in my skull, bouncing around in my head as it searched for some way out of this. I pushed outward with my mind, looking for any sort of computer device to interface with, but there was nothing. Even the interface for my arm was no longer available to me.

I needed to move, but I felt paralyzed. I thought I was moving, but I couldn’t feel it. I was panicking.
Calm down,
I told myself. Think about what Ketheria said. This is their method. Chausau mentioned that the Nagools had tried with me, but they had failed. Failed at what? My ability to jump without a belt? What was it?

Relax. I can’t!

My mind was screaming again. I hated it. I wanted out, but I couldn’t think of a single thing to do. I felt like I was going crazy. I wanted out of this contraption so bad, I would rather die than spend another parsec in this thing.

Then die.

What do you mean?

Give in.

Give in to what?

Just give in.

I can’t!
my mind screamed.

I think I fell asleep. I’m not quite sure. Maybe my brain had simply shut down. When I awoke, the futility of my situation poured back into my metal mold, but I did not panic. I was surprisingly calm. I would not let it control me this time. I knew the only way out of here was to jump, and the only way to do that was to discipline my mind.

I noticed that even the sound of my breathing was gone. I could see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing, and smell nothing. Every part of me was completely deprived of stimuli, and I was left with only myself to talk to.
This is how Vairocina must have felt,
I thought.
Now I understand why she searched so desperately to find a real body.
But
I
was not my body. I could still think. In fact, I was talking. Talking to myself. What was this sense of self that was left to wander about my head? As if I was talking to someone else entirely. It had no physical form, yet it demanded attention. It argued with me, influenced me, praised me, and even berated me, more often than not. But where did it come from? Who controlled it? Me?

“Hello?” I said, as if to call out that part of me, to identify it as a separate entity.

It did not respond. Or did I not respond?

Despite my lack of contact with the physical world, “I” still existed. “I” existed independently of my race, my job, my clothes, even what others thought about me. For so long, I had defined myself by those things, but here, now, they meant nothing. They served no purpose whatsoever. Suddenly, I craved to see something, feel something, or hear something. I needed to know that I still existed.

But why?

Maybe
I
didn’t even exist. For all I knew, I could be dead. Was this what death felt like? I hoped not. But then it struck me. I realized something about the “I” alone with me in this mold. I realized that this was the person who loved Max, who loved Ketheria and Theodore and even the Keepers. Suddenly, despite the lack of stimuli, I felt a flood of love and warmth rush through my body. I did have a body! If I could have felt it, I know I would have felt tears against my skin. I imagined my tears rolling down my cheeks and dropping off my face. In my mind, I reached down to the puddle of tears with my fingertips and raised them to my mouth. The salty teardrops touched my tongue, and I slept again.

I awoke to a blinding white light. I closed my eyes, but the light persisted, boring through to the back of my skull. Was someone doing this, or was I hallucinating the light? I tried to will the light away, but it remained. I even imagined myself lying at the bottom of a lightless tunnel, but still the white light pierced its depths. Who was doing this?
Please stop,
I begged them.

“JT? Wake up. JT?”

“Hello?” I croaked.

The light was still there, but softer somehow, as if someone had managed to gray the edges.

“Are you all right?”

“Who is that?”

It sounded like Ketheria, or was it Brine Amar? The voice seemed to change pitch every time I recognized an inflection or the speech pattern.