Awakenings - SF1 (70 page)

"It felt okay," she replied after she took a minute to think. "I'm not sure how I would feel if we were sitting down like we were then. And I don't think I could relax enough to sleep," she admitted.

"How do you feel about testifying?" she continued. "It's coming up pretty soon."

Jamie was well aware that they were scheduled to testify at the trial of her attacker in 2 weeks. "It's kind of weird for me. I mean I didn't see him until after it was over, and he was unconscious, thanks to you." She shivered a bit as she said," I'm not nervous about the actual trial or anything, but I don't like to have to talk about the whole thing."

"I know what you mean. It's not my favorite thing to think about either," she said slowly.

"Does it still bother you, Ryan? I mean, I know you had trouble sleeping for a while. Are you okay now?" she asked gently as she touched Ryan's hand.

"I'm mostly fine," she said. "Every once in a while I have a flashback though. It still scares me a little bit," she conceded.

"Tell me what bothers you," Jamie coaxed her friend.

"I flash back to the helpless feeling that I had when I thought he was going to drag you into the woods. I knew I couldn't put the baby down in case he was working with someone. It might have been a ruse to steal Caitlin," she smiled down at the gurgling baby on her lap. "But I also knew that I couldn't take her with me if I had to run after you. I couldn't risk getting her injured," she shook her head at the memory. "It was just the most awful feeling of powerlessness. I knew I could stop that guy in a second but I couldn't risk it, " she said as she stared at her hands. "I don't think I could have lived with myself if he had hurt you, Jamie," she said softly.

Jamie smiled at her in sympathy. "Sometimes I forget that this whole thing is probably harder on you than it is on me," she said gently. "You saw everything and you had to make the hard decisions." She gripped Ryan's hand now, "If anything had happened, it would not have been your fault, Ryan. You did everything just perfectly. When you are trusted with the care of a child she has to come first. I would have been very angry with you if you had not secured her safety first. But you know, I'm still impressed by the hurt you put on him. Tell me about your training."

"When I was about 12 I started taking martial arts. Da was worried about me, justifiably, as it turns out. I ran around all over the city on my skateboard and I had many opportunities to get into trouble. I studied for about 6 years and I was pretty good," she reflected. "I haven't had to use it in a long while, but I did teach a kick boxing class at
my old gym."

"You know, I might feel more confident if I learned some self defense. What do you think?" Jamie asked.

"I think that anything that empowers a person is a good idea," she replied. "That would help your physical preparedness. But what about your emotional health? Have you considered talking about it to anyone else?" Ryan asked.

"Funny you should ask that," Jamie replied. "I had my first appointment with a therapist on Friday morning."

"To talk about the attack?" Ryan asked.

"Um...
I guess that is a part of it. I need to talk about Jack and my parents and a bunch of stuff that's been on my mind."

'How did you decide to try this?" Ryan inquired.

"My grandfather actually persuaded me. He didn't like all of my weight loss and he thought that a therapist could help me be less nervous."

"Was he able to recommend someone to you?" she asked.

"Um, actually I asked Professor Levy for a referral. I mean, I know she knows people in Berkeley so I thought it would be easier."

"So, what did you think? Did you like him or her?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, I did like her. Her name is Anna Fleming and she seems pretty cool. She's down on Telegraph by Andronico's."

"I hope she can help you get rid of some of your stress," Ryan said as she patted her hand. Just then Caitlin let out a yell that drew the attention of the entire store. "I think Caitlin has been still long enough. Ready to go?"

"Yep, let's go."

As they rode along Jamie brought her bike alongside Ryan for a little while since Caitlin was sound asleep in her carrier. "Have you ever been in therapy, Ryan?"

"Yeah. I've had short term counseling a couple of times to get me through some rough periods. After my cousin Michael died I had a really hard time. He and I had always been close, but we got a lot closer during his illness. I tried to go see him every day after school and help out in any way that I could. I think I believed that if I worked hard enough, and we all did everything possible that we could save him. In retrospect I think I was re-experiencing the trauma of my mother's death." She looked over at Jamie with her big blue eyes clouded over with grief. "I had a hard time eating or sleeping for a long time. Da didn't know what to do, but luckily someone from the S.F. Aids Foundation referred us to a grief workshop for kids. I went for almost a year. I can't tell you how helpful it was to talk to other kids who had lost someone to AIDS. Most of the others had lost a parent, and some of them had lost both parents."

"God, I can't imagine how horrible that would be. To watch your parents just waste away," Jamie said empathetically. "Wasn't it tough to listen to that?"

"Yeah, it was really hard. But some weeks the only peace I got was at that meeting. It was one of the most worthwhile things I've ever participated in."

"I'm really glad it was available to you," Jamie said. "I hope therapy works for me, but I guess it will take a while to adjust to it."

"I'm glad you've decided to do it, Jamie. You've had an incredibly stressful year and it just makes sense that you might need some help to get through it."

"You've helped me more that I can say, Ryan. You've really been my rock and I thank God every day that I have your friendship."

"I do that too," Ryan admitted with a shy grin.

"What?" Jamie asked.

"I thank God for your friendship every day," she said. "You're part of my roster now."

Jamie beamed over at her for a moment as she said, "Best team I've ever been on."

Two weeks later they emerged from the rather stately entrance to the Superior Court of San Francisco. The entire day had been consumed by the 'hurry up and wait' atmosphere of the trial and for reasons they couldn't understand the prosecutor stuck the policewomen in between them to testify, forcing Ryan to hang around for an additional 4 hours to wait for Jamie.

"Well, at least we're done with it," Ryan observed as she filled her lungs with the cool, moist fresh air.

"I don't know what you're planning on doing for a living but you should consider becoming an expert witness in whatever it," Jamie told her with admiration. "You were just phenomenal."

"Thanks," Ryan said, blushing a little. "I wrote down a very detailed description of what happened that day right after we got home. It helped me sort things out a little. I've reviewed it a couple of times when I was having problems sleeping...in a odd way it calmed me down...so the details were pretty well set in my mind."

"I sounded like the village idiot compared to you," Jamie smirked. "The jury must have thought I had brain damage."

"I think they understood that it's a little hard to remember details when you're unconscious," Ryan teased. "I think you did great."

"I guess we just have to hope we convinced them," she said soberly. "I want him to be put away for a very long time."

"Well, we should know within a couple of days. The prosecutor thinks they'll have a verdict by tomorrow or the next day. Do you want to know what the outcome is?"

Jamie thought for a moment as she leaned against the large base of a statue near the front steps. "Surprisingly, I don't. I don't think they can put him away long enough to suit me, so I think I'd rather assume the best. How about you?"

"I'm interested, but only so I don't have to worry about him for a while. I see him in my dreams enough without being worried about seeing him on the street," she said as a shudder raced up her spine.

"I'm so sorry that you're still bothered by it," she said softly as she leaned in to wrap Ryan in a gentle hug. "I hardly think about it anymore, thanks to you."

"I'd trade a lifetime of nightmares for your safety," Ryan said softly, right into her ear.

Jamie had been seeing her therapist for 3 weeks when she finally had the nerve to bring up her sexuality. Since cost was not an issue they had decided that twice a week sessions were a good idea, at least until Jamie felt some relief. After only 4 sessions she actually felt significantly better. But she had spent nearly all of those sessions talking about Jack and her distress over the breakup. Now it was time to open up fully.

After 7 sessions she finally broached the subject. "There's something that's bothering me, Anna," she said hesitantly.

"Tell me, Jamie," she replied neutrally.

"I think that I might be gay," she replied as she stared at the pattern on the rug.

"What makes you think so?" Anna asked.

"I'm incredibly attracted to my closest friend, Ryan," she revealed. "I haven't told you the whole story about why Jack and I broke up," she admitted shyly.

After going through the entire story Anna asked, "Have you ever acted on any of your feelings for Ryan?"

"Sort of. On my birthday I gave her a kiss on the lips," she replied.

"How did she react?"

"We both acted like everything was normal. But right after that she said she thought we should leave because we were both a little drunk." After a moment she added, "Maybe it made her uncomfortable."

"Did she act any differently towards you after the incident?"

"No, not really. She's pretty much the same."

"So it must not have bothered her too much," she observed. "Do you want to pursue her, Jamie?" she asked.

"I really think I do, Anna. But I just feel so overwhelmed by everything that's happened. I'm afraid of what I'll do if she isn't interested."

"Is there any reason that you feel compelled to do something right now? Or could you wait a while until you feel more grounded?" she queried.

"I guess I'm not in a rush," she said as though this were the first time she had considered this. "She just broke up with someone and I don't think she wants to get into another relationship right away. You know, it makes me feel better to think that I don't have to hurry."

"You might feel better if you resolved some of your feelings about Jack before you put all of your energies into connecting with another person, Jamie. And I think you would be more clear on what to do about Ryan if we spend some time really exploring your feelings."

"So you would recommend that I not tell her about how I feel right now?" she asked.

"My recommendation is that you keep your life as simple as possible until you're sleeping better and able to eat. If expressing your feelings to Ryan would cause more stress, I would advise against it for the time being," she replied.

"Well, given that I feel 100% better already I guess that's good advice," she replied happily.

Ryan was finally able to fulfill her long standing promise to take Jamie to hear Rory's band play locally. On that Friday evening Jamie drove over to the O'Flaherty house at 6 p.m. Everyone was there and dinner was a boisterous affair with lots of teasing and boasting from the boys. Rory left at 6:30 to get ready for the performance.

At 8 o'clock they left in several cars to hear the band play at Molly McGuire's, a local pub where they played frequently when in town. Jamie was really looking forward to hearing Rory and his band mates. She didn't know a thing about traditional Irish music, but she assumed she would love it because Ryan did.

There were 5 members in the band. Rory played keyboards and accordion, Terry played tenor and soprano sax, William played the fiddle and the violin, Mike played percussion and Dylan played bass. Shortly after they all arrived the band began their first set. Jamie was charmed by the very accomplished musicians. Most of the melodies were light and melodic, although the lyrics to nearly every song were sad or downright tragic. All of the band members sang, but Rory handled most of the lead vocals. He had a rich, mellow tenor which carried beautifully through the small room.

Jamie had been with Rory on numerous occasions, but she never would have guessed how much emotion he packed into his music. She was nearly brought to tears on several occasions by the expressiveness of his voice. After playing almost 15 songs the band took a long break. Rory came over to the table while the other musicians went outside to smoke.

Rory sat in the glow of the compliments being sent his way. Jamie was effusive in her praise and he soaked it all up happily. He asked her which songs she had most enjoyed. She thought for a long while and finally admitted that she liked the more poignant ones the best. They all laughed at this and asked her which songs had been happy. Together they went through the list; losing the farm, losing children to war, being forced to marry for money, having your lover stop seeing you because you were poor, and having your mate lost at sea. After much discussion they all agreed that every song had been sad in some way or another.