B0038M1ADS EBOK (45 page)

Now we shift to a very painful topic: coping with grief and survivor's guilt
stemming from the loss of buddies or unit members you have known
who were killed or seriously injured. Although this discussion focuses on combat, this could also relate to loss or serious illness involving a loved
one, family member, or friend outside of the military.

Losing a buddy on the battlefield is like losing a member of your family. The personal bonds in combat are some of the strongest anyone can
experience, and warriors won't hesitate to die for their buddies, just as any
of us would not hesitate to die protecting our loved ones. Their love for
one another and commitment to each other on the battlefield is absolute,
and their main "mission," in addition to neutralizing the enemy, is to protect each other and get everyone home safely.

No amount of training can prepare a warrior for losing a close buddy.
Intellectually, they know that this can happen, but when it happens it's
as devastating as losing any other member of their family. It's normal to
immediately feel dazed, shocked, in pain, angry, helpless, empty, hollowlike there's a gaping hole inside; it's normal to feel physically sick, to be
unable to function, and to cry and well up at the slightest reminders of
the person who was injured or killed. Grief (also called bereavement and
mourning) is one of the strongest of human emotions, and one that connects all of us together because we all experience it at some point in our
lives. Grief is not a sickness or a disorder, though it can feel like one.

The Mystery of Grief

One of the problems with grief in the war zone is that there isn't any time
to express it. Grief doesn't respect time and can't be conveniently locked
away so that we can get on with our next mission. Grief doesn't just resolve
itself and allow you to "move on." There are many myths about grief. Contrary to what people believe, grief doesn't gradually diminish over time,
and time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. The loss remains; waves of
grief come and go with an intensity that rises and falls like the tides. However, over time the waves of grief generally come less frequently, and it
becomes possible to live life with the loss and memory of the loved one
who has passed on. How this happens is a bit of a mystery, but it does.

Unfortunately, warriors are expected to lock up their grief immediately after a tragedy on the battlefield because they have to remain focused
on the mission. This is necessary for their own survival and the protection of other team members. However, what this does is delay the full expression of grief, not resolve it. Trying not to think of a buddy who died or was
injured doesn't help in the long run with learning to live with the loss and
memory of this precious individual. The grief process is put on hold until
eventually the warrior is forced to face it. Grief has to run its course. This
is part of its mystery.

Sometimes when grief is put on hold or "locked up," as warriors have
to do in combat, it starts to get expressed in indirect and unhealthy ways,
such as alcohol or drug use, aggression, rage, hostility, avoidance, risky
behaviors, withdrawal from close friends and family, and all of the complex emotions. Unexpressed grief can lead to depression, despondency,
despair, feeling that life has no purpose, and thoughts of wanting to die.
Suicidal intentions may not be conscious. Sometimes warriors become so
self-destructive from alcohol, drug use, rage, or driving recklessly that they
end up killing themselves accidentally.

Grief is often intimately connected with guilt and the feeling that there
should have been something that could have been done to prevent this tragedy. It's normal for warriors to feel survivor's guilt, and to feel that it was
they who should have died or been injured. One warrior told me, "I don't
know why he was killed. It would have been better if it was me. I'm single
and don't have any kids. He had a wife and three kids waiting for him."
Another warrior tore himself up with guilt over not spotting a trip wire to
a roadside bomb that blew up his vehicle, killing the driver and seriously
injuring two other soldiers. Here's how my dialogue with this soldier went:

Soldier: I keep going over what happened in my mind, looking at every little detail,
trying to figure out what could have been done differently. I should have been
able to see the wire and yell to the driver to stop.

Dr. Hoge: What was your position in the vehicle at the time that this happened?

Soldier: The gunner.

Dr. Hoge: Which vehicle was yours in the convoy?

Soldier: The third.

Dr. Hoge: How many vehicles were in the convoy?

Soldier: Three.

Dr. Hoge: What time of day did this occur?

Soldier: Probably around midnight. We were returning to our COP [combat
outpost].

Dr. Hoge: Why do you think that the two front vehicles didn't trip the IED?

Soldier.- I don't know. They ran right over it and for some reason didn't trip it.

Dr. Hoge: As the gunner of the rear vehicle, weren't you covering the rear?

Soldier: Yes.

Dr. Hoge: Let me get this straight: It was nighttime, the vehicles in front ran over
the trip wire without triggering it, and you were in the last vehicle facing
toward the rear of the convoy. How on earth could you have seen the trip wire
before your vehicle hit it?

Soldier: Sometimes when I'm the gunner I turn around and look toward the front.

Dr. Hoge: How often do you do this when you're covering the rear?

Soldier: Not very often.

Dr. Hoge: Like 1 percent of the time, 10 percent of the time?

Soldier: Maybe 1 percent.

Dr. Hoge: So how would you have known to turn around at that instant?

Soldier.- Sometimes I just sense things. I get feelings. One time I ducked the moment
a round went over my head. Sometimes I have a feeling and it makes me turn
around.

Dr. Hoge: And you blame yourself for what happened because at that moment, you
didn't get that feeling and turn around to look toward the front?

Soldier: Yes.

Despite the fact that this soldier wasn't facing in the direction where
he could have seen the trip wire, despite the fact that it was nighttime, and despite the fact that two other vehicles in front had cleared the way,
this soldier was convinced that he should have been able to do something
at that moment to prevent the tragedy. He blamed himself for what happened, even though he had no accountability for it and his responsibility
was to cover the rear. He blamed himself for the tragedy because he failed
to have a premonition in that instant and turn around. And his mind was
able to construct this belief and rationalize why he should have been able to
turn around in that moment. His self-blame for the death and injuries of
his buddies contributed to depression and PTSD symptoms.

You may ask why this type of illogical thinking occurs. The interesting thing when we talked about this tragedy is that this soldier could
clearly see that his thinking was illogical. Yet, he was not able to accept
this or let go of this way of thinking. He said, "I know it's crazy to think
this way, but I can't stop it."

Distinguishing Between Grief and Survivor's Guilt

It's important to distinguish grief from survivor's guilt. Although they can
be closely connected, with grief being a primary emotion beneath survivor's
guilt, they aren't the same thing, and can occur independently. Survivor's
guilt, a complex emotion, is tied to illogical thought processes involving selfblame, self-punishment, second-guessing, and a belief that I should have died
also (or instead). The fact that I'm alive means that I made the "mistake" of
saving myself, that I "chose" to live while my buddy died.

Frequently, when a serious illness or injury brings someone near death,
people around them will comment on how they're "choosing" to keep fighting, or alternatively have reached a point where they've "chosen" to let go
and pass on. This reflects the pervasive believe in our culture that we're in
control of our destiny and can "choose" our path, even when lying in a coma.

If we're able to control our destiny-as our culture and our own minds
lead us to believe-then it's inconceivable why my buddy died and not me,
and the reality that I'm alive is unforgivable. Guilt and self-blame is how I
punish myself.

The reason that survivor's guilt can hold so much power over us has to
do with how painful and confusing it is to come to terms with a tragic loss of this magnitude on an emotional and rational level. The loss confronts
our confidence in our value and ability to determine our lives, and to protect those we cherish and love.

The soldier could understand intellectually that he wasn't responsible
or accountable for what happened, but on an emotional and rational level,
he couldn't stop blaming himself. Being stuck in the process of trying to
figure out what he should have been able to do differently was actually less
painful and more reasonable to deal with than the irrational, arbitrary
unfairness of the loss itself. The degree to which the belief was illogical was
related to the strength and intensity of the unjust loss, and the inability of
the mind to reconcile what happened.

In a strange sort of way, illogical thought processes also help to keep
us connected in our minds to the loved ones we've lost. It can be tremendously difficult to reach the point of acceptance-to be able to let go of
the one we loved. If we keep the person present in our thoughts through
re-creating the event over and over in our mind, as if to undo it, we don't
have to say good-bye or accept the reality of our lives, and can manage to
some degree the waves of grief and other emotions that wash over us.

Considerations for Coping with Grief and Survivor's Guilt

Given this, how does a warrior who has lost one or more buddies in combat (or anyone who has lost someone close to them) cope with grief and/
or survivor's guilt? Is there anything that they can do to ease the burden
and be able to live life with the loss and memories?

The answer is to go back to the primary emotions and allow them to
run their course, believe in yourself, and try not to get stuck in the complex emotions and thought processes. However, not having a clear navigation strategy in this case is what this process is also about. You can't figure
something like this out. You can only ride the waves of emotion, with the
support of loved ones, and eventually they will settle down in you; instead
of constantly thinking about the events surrounding the tragedy, you'll be
able to live with the loss and keep the memory of your buddy alive in other
ways. It's a mystery how this happens, but it's a universal experience that
we face as part of the human condition.

Here are some considerations that you may find helpful:

A) Do whatever you need to do to express your grief. Don't lock it up or
allow it to cause you to engage in risky or self-destructive behaviors. Don't
isolate yourself. Talk to people you're close to. Write about how you feel.
Share your memories. Accept the tides and waves of whatever emotions
are present. Don't let others tell you how you should feel. Don't tell yourself
how you should feel.

B) If you experience survivor's guilt or blame yourself in any way, look
beneath the blame at what other emotions are present, and understand
how blame and fault are traps of your mind. Try to figure out any illogical
thinking and let go of unanswerable questions.

If you blame yourself, imagine a conversation with your deceased
buddy and ask them if they blame you for staying alive. They don't, and
would be very upset with you if they could express it. For their sake, stop
blaming yourself. For your sake, stop blaming yourself. For the sake of
everyone you love, and for everyone who loves you, stop blaming yourself.
Stop punishing yourself. Let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for not spotting a trip wire. Forgive yourself for holding on to a capsized boat while others perished. Forgive yourself for getting out of a burning vehicle that others were trapped in. Forgive yourself
for something that you had no accountability for and could never have
done anything differently about. Forgive yourself for whatever you did or
didn't do that no one, including you, could ever imagine needing forgiveness for. Forgive yourself for staying alive.

C) Don't try to find "meaning" in what happened beyond what is. Every
life is precious and that's the meaning of it. Whether or not you believe in
God (and most of us do), or believe in the greater good of a country, everything in God's miraculous creation of nature, including human creativity
and the workings of government, has randomness in it (at least from our
perspective).

We live in a world of haphazard events that somehow work together
for us as a species, although not always for the individual, whether it's
random mutations that result in some people getting cancer, the random
sperm that carries the genetic material for Down syndrome, the random
thought arising in the mind of a scientist that an atom can be split, the
random accident or hurricane that destroys a life or home, the random
electrical failure that causes the traffic light to fail, or the random sniper
round that kills a warrior as he's handing a gift to a child.

A war zone is about as chaotic as anything we humans can create, and
a warrior's death on the battlefield isn't something we can understand or
find a greater meaning or purpose in, other than to honor how precious
this warrior's life was, and how great the loss and sacrifice is.

D) For any buddies who were seriously injured, go visit them. Keep in
touch. Reach out and make yourself available to them.

E) For any close buddy who was killed, find a way to honor and remember them. This is very personal, and can involve visiting the grave site;
setting up a small place to honor the memories with photos or stories;
building a memorial Web site or contributing to one that the family has
established; making a list of all the things that you appreciate or remember most fondly about your buddy; asking yourself what your buddy would
want to be remembered for; doing something you know your buddy would
have enjoyed doing with you; and finding a way to say good-bye through a
ritual of some sort. If you're going over events that happened or blaming
yourself in some way, find another way to keep your buddy alive in your
mind through the memories of the relationship that you cherish, and what
you appreciated and loved most about this person. Honor the memories
and the love for your buddy that continues.