B0038M1ADS EBOK (44 page)

The next thing that this soldier would probably benefit from doing
is examining how his mind is trapping him in an endless cycle of selfblame, "should" statements, and "why" questions, which strongly connect with the complex emotions of worthlessness, guilt, and shame.
Perhaps a friend can help him see that the marriage had difficulties for
a long time, and that the one episode of shoving his wife was not the
main problem, but rather the excuse (or catalyst) for his wife to make a
decision she had already been contemplating. Perhaps he can come to
accept that he really did the best he could to save the marriage, and that
his wife was just as accountable for its failure as he was. Hopefully, he can
let go of the repetitive mind games and realize that ultimately, he can't
figure it all out.

His wife will do what she does for whatever reasons, and he has very
little if any control over her decisions. Hopefully he can appreciate how
precious his children are in his life, and will continue to build a strong
connection and relationship with them through shared custody. The key
for this soldier is to reach the point of believing in himself and his ability
to independently move on in life while living with this loss, as painful as
it is, and to recognize and accept that he has value-not only to himself,
but also to his children and everyone else in his life who matter to him.

Looking at his wife's perspective is also helpful to put this soldier's
experience in context. His wife had also experienced many of the same
primary and complex emotions leading up to the above incident. For her,
the marriage had been strained since well before the deployment, and
the long separation only added to this. In addition, her husband seemed
more distant, withdrawn, and angry since his return. She was tired of being
blamed and yelled at for little things. Although she still loved her husband
and wanted him to be part of the lives of their children, she knew that she
didn't want to remain married to him. She felt like she had put her life on hold for years, and wanted to move on with educational and career goals.
She felt like she would be able to get more support for her plans from her
extended family. She also didn't think it would be helpful going to counseling, wanted to move in time for the kids to start school, and was somewhat angry with her husband for not accepting or supporting her decision.

Coming to this decision was difficult for her, filled with sadness (both
over the loss of the connection with her husband and the loss of time in
her life); fear of being alone and making it on her own; fear of how her
plans would affect the kids; and some bitterness over how her husband
had changed as a result of wartime service, and how much she sacrificed to
support him. She experienced feelings of guilt, hopelessness, and depression. She blamed the military and herself for the marriage not working
out, and asked herself a lot of questions about why she was feeling the way
she was. Ultimately, she came to accept how she felt, and realized this was
what she needed to do. For her, what will likely help most in continuing
to feel secure as she moves forward in her life include acknowledging and
expressing her feelings (including her fear and sadness), valuing herself,
reaching out for support from her family, and letting go of any lingering
guilt, self-blame, or "why" questions.

SKILL 3. LETTING GO OF UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS

The above description of the couple dealing with a serious marital problem is also a good example of the skill of letting go of unanswerable questions that fuel complex emotions and make us feel worse, particularly
starting with "Why?". Go back to the original "Loss Worksheet" to the
question of whether you're blaming, using "should" statements, or asking "why" questions. Are you blaming yourself (or someone else) in some
way for the losses that have occurred in your life by asking various "Why?"
questions? "Why me?" "Why is this happening?" "What could I have done
differently to prevent this?" "How could he/she have done that?" "Was it
my fault?" Are you using a lot of "should" statements (e.g., "I should have
done that instead.")? If you are, list them out on the same worksheet.
Once you've identified them, it's time to let go of them, because they're traps that can demoralize you and bring you a world of hurt tied tip with
complex emotions.

Letting go of persistent and repetitive unanswerable questions can
be very difficult. The brain has remarkably tenacious programming that's
built to not let go of any nagging question until it's answered. Strangely,
the parts of the brain having to do with trying to solve nagging questions
(even if they're unsolvable) seem to be much more developed than the
parts of the brain having to do with formulating the questions in the first
place. Nagging questions are plentiful, and we instinctively and immediately engage in trying to solve them without even considering why we're
asking them or if they're answerable (or worth answering).

We're particularly prone to being caught up in unanswerable dilemmas; we do it all the time. "If I break up with this person to be with that
person, will I be happier?" "Which of these two jobs will be more satisfying?" "Is this a good decision to join the military or not?" "Which road will
have the least traffic?" "Which university will be the best?" These seem like
they have a "right" answer (often the one we come up with), but in fact
are unanswerable at the time that they are posed. You might leave your
current partner to be with someone else, only to discover a year later after
the passion starts to wear off that you feel you would have been much
better off staying with your original partner; or it might be the best thing
that you ever did. Joining the military could have ended up being the best
decision you ever made (or not), but you couldn't know this at the time
that you made the decision, no matter how much research, consideration,
or contemplation you put into it. Your GPS might tell you that if you take
a detour you'll avoid all the traffic, but an accident might happen the
moment you take the turn and you end up getting stuck in a bigger traffic
jam. The point is that we love to ponder dilemmas, but we can't know what
will happen or how we'll feel; we just have to make a decision to the best of
our ability now, go for it, and not look back.

We're raised to believe that all questions are reasonable and that there
is no such thing as a stupid question. We are also raised to believe that
merely the act of asking the question is sufficient to assume that there is
a reasonable answer waiting to be discovered. However, it's pretty easy to come up with stupid questions. Many of the "why" questions we propose to
ourselves are no less stupid than asking, "What's the difference between a
duck?" or "Is it colder in Montana or in January?"

Zen Koans

In Zen Buddhism there is a long-standing tradition of contemplating Zen
koans as one route to enlightenment. Zen koans are questions that are
posed by the teacher to the disciple, who is told that they must be solved in
order to progress to the next level of their training. The disciple may be put
through tremendous ordeals or asked to report back to the teacher on their
progress in arriving at the correct answer to these questions. However, the
"correct" answer is always elusive because koans are questions that are either
unanswerable or have an infinite number of answers. Famous Zen koans
include questions like, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?", "What
is the color of wind?", or "Who hears?" Another asks, "If not even a thought
has arisen, is there still sin?" Two koans that seem to be particularly popular
these days are, "Who am I?" and "What's the meaning of life?"

The Zen Buddhist practice of pondering unanswerable questions is a
clever way to reprogram the brain. By directly asking such questions, and
forcing the disciple to get stuck in them, this paradoxically kicks the brain
circuitry out of its propensity to get stuck in these types of questions. It can
be a very confusing moment, but when this happens, the result is often an
outburst of laughter, letting go, and reaching a place of wonder or presence in the moment where there is no longer any necessity to "figure"
everything out. If you've found this section somewhat humorous, you may
have already arrived at this state of being.

I hope no one thinks that I'm making light of difficult matters; quite
the contrary. Many changes and losses related to deployment are particularly painful, and it's necessary to go through the sadness, grief, and
anguish associated with them. What is not beneficial in the long run is
turning these feelings against yourself in the form of chronic hopelessness, guilt, shame, self-blame, depression, or other complex emotions,
where you get stuck for an indefinite period of time. There is a strong
connection between these emotions and the brain's propensity to ponder unanswerable questions. If you ask yourself "why" questions that have a
self-blaming quality to them, they connect directly to these complex emotions, making you feel worse about yourself. It's a cycle that feeds on itself.

Resilience of the Wounded Warrior

When a warrior is seriously injured, it's common for them to ask, "Why
me?" and to be self-critical of what happened or their progress in recovery.
They may blame themselves for joining the military in the first place, for
not being able to do something at the time to change what happened, or
for how much their injury is affecting their loved ones or family. There's
often guilt that they're not able to remain with their unit. Coping with
the physical injury, the pain, the multiple medications, medical appointments, and the transition to a life living with the effects of the injury can
be extremely challenging for the warrior and family members.

However, the capacity for resilience is enormous, and the same principles apply as to other losses: not getting stuck in the cycle of self-blame,
"why" and "what-if' questions, or the trap of complex emotions. Indeed,
the injury affects everyone greatly, but the only thing the warrior has any
control over is his or her own responses to it. The adversity itself is not
what defines the wounded warrior, but rather, how the warrior rises to face
the adversity. The thing that makes humans great is the ability to rise to
challenges and bounce back after tremendous adversity. There is no other
group of individuals who embody this more than wounded warriors.

Letting Go of Self-Criticism

I don't know how many times I've counseled soldiers who are blaming
themselves for not accomplishing their goals (e.g., education, promotion,
career, etc.) when the reason is obvious: a recent divorce, a new baby (or
two), multiple deployments, family illness, etc. In these situations, the soldier is often stuck in a "should" ("I should have accomplished that goal"),
and believes that they're to blame for the failure, and that the situation
provides proof that they're "worthless." This is all a trick of the mind.

The reality is that these soldiers were dealing with things outside
of their control that made it next to impossible to have the time to accomplish their goal; they could not be held accountable for achieving the goal under the circumstances. Nevertheless, even though I point
out this fact, very often the soldiers return to their original thoughts and
repeat them like a broken record.

I've also frequently counseled people who are blaming themselves for
their spouse being unfaithful or for leaving when it was clear that they did
what they could, and their spouse had major issues they were powerless to
influence. In these situations the underlying feeling the person is often
experiencing (but not acknowledging) is the fear of being alone. Instead
of identifying the fear and acknowledging it, they cast blame on themselves for the failure of the relationship.

Self-blame takes on many colors and forms. We tend to judge ourselves in thousands of ways on a daily basis: the tint of our hair, our weight,
how many pounds we can lift, success in achieving certain goals, how we
think others view us, how we think of ourselves, what we should have said
or not said, how we perform in bed, what we should have eaten or not
eaten, what thoughts or desires are acceptable to express, what we think
should have happened instead of what actually happened for every conceivable situation we can think of, asking why this is happening, etc. We
judge ourselves constantly.

In summary, this skill is to practice reducing the amount of energy
and time you spend judging yourself by eliminating self-blame, letting go
of unanswerable "why" questions and "should" statements, and noticing
every time you criticize yourself in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. Basically,
become more aware of how often you judge yourself in some critical or
negative way, and practice reducing this behavior.

SKILL 4: COPING WITH GRIEF AND SURVIVOR'S GUILT