B00BUGFFGW EBOK (3 page)

i wish i could hang out with lil wayne, but i feel like he doesn't 'hang out' with girls, he mostly has sex with them. if we could just kick it and drink cough syrup and spit 16 bars it would be good

1.27.09

i'm cleaning out my liquor cabinet tonight

i went to the gym at 9:30PM. i walked 3.2mph on the highest incline for one hour and burned 650 calories. then i did things to stimulate 'muscular toning' in my abs and thighs. i stretched. on the treadmill i read the first 70 pages of 'the easter parade' by richard yates. i burn calories and read richard yates books at a similar rate

today i sat in the student center for maybe three hours and finished 'a good school' by richard yates and 'introduction to evolutionary psychology' by someone named oscar. i liked both books. the evolutionary psychology one was for a class and easy to read, i finished it in two days. i read 'a good school' for fun. i almost wanted to cry at the end, when this one main character cries. i felt sad that it was over. i think richard yates is bill grove. he is also probably several other characters, in different ways

i just read another 30 pages of 'the easter parade' in the bathtub. someone i sometimes have sex with text messaged me. i am never going to be the woman he wants and he is never going to be the man i want, but we will probably resemble 'ultimate things we want in a mate' to each other for awhile and may continue having casual sex

i'm bored and tired of relationships. i feel like emily grimes, except i'm not naturally 'very skinny' like she is. i have to make an effort to be skinny. if i didn't monitor my food intake, i would probably be one of those 'chubby art girls.' i've lost almost ten pounds. i can wear a size four again. i feel good

today i ate: odwalla 'food bar,' orange, handful pistachios, five triscuits with hummus, four almonds. i drank coffee, green tea, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, vodka lemonade, amaretto lemonade. i'm trying to drink all the shitty alcohol i have so i can replace it with better alcohol. it feels hard to concentrate on one subject right now. i'm getting drunk. more drunk

it is snowing. snow alleviates my mood 10% automatically

i like night better than day

i don't know if i can drink all this, i'm starting to feel sick/dehydrated

some dynamics in my family and interpersonal relationships relate 100% directly to dynamics in 'the easter parade' in a way that almost feels eerie. i don't think this book will have a happy ending and i will probably over-identify with it

i want to eat chinese food

i want to wrap myself in a burrito of bedding

i want to skip classes and work tomorrow

i want to be quiet for 50 hours

i want to eat ten chicken nuggets

2.05.09

last night i ate a quesadilla, crab dip, and garlic fries with my coworker and felt sick and threw up

tonight i ate some kind of cheese sandwich and now i feel sick and want to throw up

i think i have a dairy problem

john stamos is on 'e.r.' right now, what is he doing on 'e.r.,' seems really bizarre

i had my poetry workshop tonight

everyone in workshop is very nice to each other and no one says negative things. seems like people are afraid of each other

at my old school i took a poetry workshop and it seemed like everyone wanted to attack each other and i felt afraid

i said some 'negative' things tonight kind of, i think. i would say when i didn't understand the intention of a poem. i felt nervous every time i talked. when i read my poem i couldn't see anything but the paper and i became visibly anxious, like shaking physically and vocally

things happen in my life now kind of

there are people who call me

i am always 'doing something'

there is always 'a place to be'

i feel 35% positive about it

sometimes being with people is fun but other times it feels like i'm operating myself from a distance, telling myself i'm having a good time

i am an introverted person but i like approval

john stamos probably thinks he’ll be the new george clooney someday

2.09.09

getting drunk by myself and watching 'america's next top model'

there is a restaurant near me called 'thai landing'

i want to start calling it 'thailanding,' like the verb 'to thailand'

national bohemian beer and rum and diet ginger ale

loud noises have been coming from my ceiling all night

the people who lived above my first apartment used to play 'dance dance revolution' and stomp their feet loudly

one time i used a broom to hit the ceiling to make them stop

chunks of plaster fell and then there was a hole in the ceiling

not a big enough hole to see upstairs

my jeans smell like saltine crackers

tyra banks has a very different view of reality than mine, i think

we learned about the relationship between sensation and perception in my history and systems of psychology class today

that is my favorite class

i take notes for deaf people in that class because when the sign language interpreter asked me on the first day it felt too hard to tell her 'no'

2.11.09

when i go outside i try to mentally will the world to 'missed connect' me. i make subtle eye contact with people and think 'you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me' at them very hard

i was in baltimore's b magazine because of something i tweeted on their twitter page

i like wavves, especially the song 'teenage super party'

i drank two full moon beers and fell asleep watching MTV

i woke two hours later

i have been wearing the same thing for four days

i live in constant fear of obesity

most of my time on the internet is spent refreshing the same pages repeatedly

most of the appeal of smoking cigarettes is that it gives my hands something to do. smoking directs my attention from otherwise distracting mental processes. i make better eye contact when holding a cigarette. their taste has progressed from 'horrible' to 'tolerable' for me

today i have work and class, i have to take notes for deaf people

my evolutionary psychology professor calls all living creatures 'critters,' including humans. he has a desert tortoise named 'yortiss' (or 'yortoise,' i don't know). tomorrow is charles darwin's 200th birthday so he is bringing us a cake. i have urges to hug him during lecture. i think he is a good dad, if he has kids

the more busy my life is, the less interesting thoughts i have, i think

i tried reading tom robbins the other day but i can't anymore. he is irritating. i think he looks at himself in the mirror for a long time after masturbating. i have a tom robbins tattoo of the cover of 'still life with woodpecker.' i don't want to talk about it

2.14.09

i'm at the computer lab and this window says 'blogger.' people might be reading over my shoulder and perceiving me as 'blogging loser'

i wonder if they're going to tell ghost stories about social networking websites someday, like someone will find out the 'groups' part of their facebook profile was haunted

usually when i start craving cigarettes i stop smoking but today i bought another pack instead

i sat in starbucks today and studied for my evolutionary psychology exam. the man sitting next to me had long grey hair and many bags. there was an 87% chance he was homeless. as we sat next to each other both 'everybody hurts' by r.e.m. and 'somewhere over the rainbow' played and i knew we wouldn't say anything to each other and both of us have parents somewhere

i like the idea of early humans developing upright posture in the grasslands of africa. i like imagining people bent over, barely making noise, surrounded by very tall grass. sometimes a human head would appear above the grass and over thousands of years the heads grew taller and taller until everyone's spines were finally as straight as they would ever become

what is 'being in love,' are the feelings present when i feel like i am 'in love' of the same quality and quantity that other people feel when they feel like they are 'in love?' if i was never told there was something i needed called 'love' would i feel like i need to have it?

2.16.09

when i showed the man at the liquor store my ID he said 'shit girl, i don't wanna see that, just gimme the money,' and i laughed a little and handed him my credit card

there were three black teenagers sitting in the bed of a truck i followed on my way home. at a red light i made eye contact with one of them and grinned, then pretended to look for something on the floor of my car. when i looked up again all three of them were looking at me and waving. i smiled and waved vigorously at them. we continued smiling and waving for one and a half traffic lights

i imagined rolling down my window and saying 'what's going on guys, can i party with you guys?' and wondered what it would realistically be like to party with them. we would probably get forties and hang out in someone's basement and it would be an okay time. i almost wish i would have done that

today i took an exam. i felt strong feelings of 'i am a piece of shit, what am i saying, who do i think i am, i don't know these answers, fuck' during the exam. i sweat a lot. probably actually got somewhere between 86-93% on it

my phone keeps making the 'text message alert' sound but i have no new text messages

i hope cats can't die of a catnip overdose

the friend i have casual sex with never logged out of his account on campusfoods.com. i could potentially charge a gigantic food order to his credit card. i know i won't

2.18.09

sushi disgusts me most of the time but i wanted it tonight

what i ate probably wasn't technically sushi since it didn't contain raw fish

most people love sushi

most men seeking women in baltimore on craigslist say they like hiking, sushi, and movies

most women seeking women in baltimore on craigslist like posting photos of vaginas

today i walked around my neighborhood thinking 'baltimore. baltimore. i am in baltimore. this is baltimore'

i'm not sure how the world outside baltimore perceives baltimore

it seems impossible to ever objectively know what other people think

my cat acts offended when i put wasabi peas near his face

3.01.09

i am kind of a disgusting person

i do not do dishes for a long time

shrimp and green peppers are shriveling in my refrigerator

i do not clean my cats' food dishes regularly

they do not seem to mind

after lying in bed for awhile i like to smell under the covers

if i see food in the trash that looks okay i'll eat it

i eat old food

i haven't cleaned my toilet yet and i have lived here for four months

i pick my nose in traffic and wipe it on the floor

3.02.09

i want to fall in love or something

i want to jump off a diving board into a large vat of pudding

and the pudding fills my mouth and nose and asshole and vagina

and there is just a lot of pudding and i feel full of something nice

i will spend an afternoon in the vat

the sky will turn from blue to orange to black

i will still be in the vat

sometimes a nerve will twitch in my hand

a lamp post will light the vat

my head will be covered

i will have a straw for breathing

'dancing in the moonlight' by king harvest will be playing

there might be children playing soccer on a field nearby

3.03.09

i slept from 5PM until 2AM

everyone is searching for something on petfinder and craigslist

what does everyone look like after their 'after' pictures are taken

bacon egg and cheese english muffin

i feel like there is about to be a bomb attack, or should be

i told myself to write a letter to someone at 5PM but slept for nine hours instead

i have jet lag but i haven't been on an airplane in months

i want to be on an airplane

my life feels hopeless

no it doesn't, i don't know what i mean

there must be a fire somewhere near me, it smells like burning in here, helicopters and fire trucks

living in a cave seems appealing but realistically it would be scary

the only way to stop complaining is to pretend you're not complaining

there is one light on in my apartment

i hate my existence on the internet

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salty foods would be good right now

3.10.09

it feels like my hair has stopped growing or something

i have had no sleep

i stop thinking about my purpose in life when my life is filled with 'things to do'

i am writing things

i am rarely on the internet

i might change my facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship'

i am dating a man who is skinny but used to weigh 350 pounds

he responded to a craigslist ad i posted

i wish you could take a 'plan b' pill for after you eat a lot of organic cheese puffs and your stomach hurts and you don't want to be fat tomorrow

i have to buy 'plan b' pills tomorrow because it's right before my period, i heard that's when girls are the most 'fertile,' and there were no condoms

3.11.09

i have a midterm for history and systems of psychology in two hours and i have not studied

the study guide says 'the wise student will take time to prepare written answers to all these study questions and then study for them. prepare carefully'

most psychologists/philosophers we've learned about have experienced severe depressions, attempted suicide, were considered 'freaks' or 'insane' by their peers, locked themselves in their rooms, felt socially isolated, were either celibate or extremely promiscuous, and rarely found 'love'

most of them took a long time to finish school, dropped out of school, or never went to school and taught themselves

edward titchener trained people called 're-agents' to do his version of introspecting which consisted of writing every thought they had, then assigning a positive or negative value to each thought based on how they remembered experiencing it. he was severely depressed. his brain is preserved in a jar at cornell university right now