B00BUGFFGW EBOK (8 page)

sometimes i imagine myself sitting in the corner of my bed and wall, rocking back and forth, repeating 'the internet is here to help me'

today i sat in the student center reading an essay from 'being and nothingness' and felt mentally energized. i felt like jean-paul sartre was an athlete and i was watching him on TV but instead of freaking out and yelling at the TV i sat quietly and 'cheered him on' with my eyebrows

when i walked back to my apartment i held my cigarette in a way i felt jean-paul sartre would. i think he would hold his cigarette loosely and inhale it deeply and touch his face with his whole hand when he put the cigarette up to his mouth

then i felt totally ridiculous about smoking that way and having those thoughts, then thought he would be 'proud' of me for thinking that, then i felt ridiculous again

2.01.10

i think my next relationship is going to be with a moody/depressive guy because i want to feel like 'the calm one'

lately when driving i picture myself making seemingly unrelated adjustments which all cause my car to spin out of control and impale me against another car

when walking down stairs i think i'll trip and my shin bones will detach from my knees and i'll be lying there with bloody stumps

the ligament or whatever it is that holds my knees and shin bones together doesn't seem powerful enough somehow

when talking to people i fear somehow saying something that unleashes a series of small but catastrophic events, maybe resulting in the other person's eventual hatred of me

i'm pretty sure every day i mess up really badly, conversationally

yesterday i was talking to my new coworker about alcohol

we had been having a really good, 20-minute conversation before the alcohol one

she said she has friends who drink to get wasted

i said sometimes i do that. she said 'oh' and neither of us said anything for maybe 15 minutes

then i think i said something like 'i think i drink because i'd rather not be in a social situation and drinking makes it easier and more fun, like, i worry less, but i'd rather be at home or something usually, except for maybe sometimes, i don't know'

i said 'do you think i'm an insane alcoholic with social problems'

she kind of laughed and said no

i felt really bad

last night i dreamed strangers kept approaching me on the street to ask when i was moving out of my apartment. then my building maintenance guy told me someone else had taken over my lease and i was getting kicked out. i felt scared when i woke

2.07.10

i am sitting in my living room with the TV on mute, showing 'america's next top model'

nearly every commercial break contains commercials for vagina wipes and refer to 'that itch you just can't scratch'

also commercials for pillsbury crescent rolls and cymbalta

the target demographic of 'americas next top model' watchers are depressed, carb-hungry women who are inhibited about scratching their vaginas

after a three hour nap i sat on my couch, waiting for coffee to brew

i thought 'have an interesting thought, what is happening with you emotionally right now, something must be happening'

the only thing i thought was 'unsure if the glass in front of me is considered grey or brown...'

keep thinking that as i get older i should be getting smarter or more attractive or ambitious and motivated to discover things i strongly care about and develop some kind of profound dedication to those things, like this is just some natural progression that is bound to happen

this probably stems from a semi-conscious fantasy i have that decisions i make are inconsequential and there is some kind of comforting, well-meaning mysterious force taking care of me

i don't imagine the force as 'god' at all, it's just a thing, i don't know

all i want is to live somewhere warm and drive trucks

my friend keeps texting me, encouraging me to watch the super bowl

on animal planet's 'the puppy bowl' this one puppy drank water and the announcer said '[name of puppy] has returned to the water bowl again...[name of puppy] is heading for the end zone but it appears he just doesn't care'

the announcer paused dramatically between the last three words

keep thinking 'what is my life...'

wonder if i'll ever not think that

things will happen in my life, possibly normal things like marriage/job/children. maybe 'great success.' possibly an emily grimes-like decline into a lack of self-awareness, potential homelessness (probably not)

i am currently unqualified to rate the amount of control or enthusiasm i will have for all those things, hopefully a lot

2.08.10

last night i drank laxative tea, sort of accidentally. tonight at work i felt really bad interacting with people because i was farting a lot. i would tell my coworkers to go away because i was in 'gastric distress'

i can't believe i've lived in baltimore for almost two years

thinking about how i've lived in baltimore for almost two years makes me feel like the last half of the movie 'the last samurai'

i can't remember what 'the last samurai' was about, other than tom cruise riding horses and looking reverent and stern

never thought i'd write a sentence containing 'reverent' and 'stern'

i remember watching 'the last samurai' in a dorm and disliking it enough to talk during the movie about how much i didn't like it, how i couldn't believe it was so long and how serious it was taking itself and how much i didn't like the characters

i don't hate the 'characters' of my life in baltimore

maybe i've just been seeing the same things for too long

people living here have 'mad baltimore love' that i don't understand

seems like if i could listen to the thoughts of a lot of hipsters here, like at bars or shows, there would be a significant percentage of thoughts like 'BALTIMORE i am part of something BALTIMORE BALTIMORE fucking baltimore so sweet BALTIMORE i am part of it and it is important...'

i'm not sure if changing my location would change how i feel, overall. probably not

i only have to live here ten more months, then i will graduate college

maybe someone will fall in love with me and make me want to stay. that will not happen, i really don't actually want that to happen, it would be bad and i would feel conflicted. i always have thoughts like that though

2.12.10

whenever i smell wasabi peas i think 'brine shrimp' and feel kind of uneasy, but i still enjoy eating them

one time i heated v8 and pretended it was soup. it was good

my dad and i used to go to diners when i was little and i'd always get a new york strip steak because of the word 'strip.' i thought i was being 'bad' because it contained a word that was also in 'strip clubs,' strippers probably ate a lot of strip steak

a former roommate of mine liked to dip pork rinds in hummus

i once caught another former roommate eating clorox. she acted really embarrassed about it, but told me she always eats a little bit of it when she cleans because she likes the way it smells. i thought it was endearing

i've been eating oatmeal that expired august '09, seems okay though

from october '03 to january '04 i probably consumed the most calories per day in my entire life. i was really depressed. mostly i ate chicken strips and fries from this place in philadelphia across from my apartment

when i moved back to maryland i think i ate at mcdonald's and wendy's 3-4 times a week. gained 30 pounds (then lost it)

i have four different kinds of mustard in my refrigerator

i bought dulse awhile ago and i'm afraid of it

i drank coconut water once and it reminded me of semen

cilantro is my favorite herb. it makes me nervous to chew mint or other leafy herbs. it feels dangerous

i have licked chocolate syrup off of a penis

a few nights ago, i was drunk and started eating this olive hummus with 'pretzel crisps.' i watched the last ten minutes of 'the other boelyn girl' on HBO as i ate. since then, every time i try to eat the hummus/chips i have a mental picture of natalie portman looking sad before her head gets cut off, which doesn't really bother me, but it's not what usually happens when i eat hummus/chips, so i feel kind of disoriented

i've eaten an entire jar of pickles in one sitting

i used to eat ketchup packets from fast food places. i still do sometimes. not all at once, i like to suck on them gradually

kind of can't believe sprite is a successful soda. how is that a successful soda? it seems so much less 'hard' than cola or fruit flavored sodas. i like it, though

i probably consume an average of 800-1400 calories per day

if i had to have sex with any food, penis-shaped things aside, it would probably be rice noodles. rice noodles with no sauce. the texture is kind of 'sexy,' i think

2.13.10

there was a big snowstorm and i didn't have school or work last week

minimal contact with other humans, minimal showering

on thursday night i drank a bottle of wine by myself and some old friends from high school simultaneously texted me '14/m/md wanna cyber'

then we had text message cyber sex

they would send me text messages at the same time

think i took it up the butt and got it in the mouth and face too, said i wanted to be 'blinded with cum' then 'sat on their faces'

i asked where they were and they were too far away for me to hang out with them

a few minutes later i drunk dialed my mom and told her i loved her and didn't want her to die, ever

the light in my living room looked pretty from the snow at night

2.27.10

one time a guy i dated told me i should 'be careful' because if i gained weight it would mostly happen in my thighs

then he said 'just kidding' or something

one time at a bar a stranger passed me and said 'you're cute, too bad your bangs aren't'

one time at a club, an acquaintance said to me after putting amyl nitrate under my nose and telling me to smell it, 'you have like the worst footing of anyone i've ever danced with'

an ex-boyfriend said he would rather have me lose ten pounds than gain ten pounds

i told him if he shaved his head i would gain ten pounds to spite him

approximately five men have told me, unsolicited, that i give 'the best' blowjobs

approximately three have told me that, solicited

the last guy i had sex with invited the man who lives above me to bring his dog down to my apartment

the dog jumped up and down and breathed really hard and fast and scared my cats

now the man who lives above me asks if he can bring his dog over every time i see him

two men have given me their phone numbers in the past week and a half

one of them interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me to call him 'if i was bored'

the other one repeatedly insisted we were going to eat ice cream together. his name was vinnie. i stored his name as 'vinnie do not answer' in my phone

i think i've masturbated four times in 2010

3.14.10

today i was supposed to go the beach with people from school

i tried on a bathing suit earlier and am still wearing it

according to my mom's scale i have lost 13 pounds since christmas

i watched a christian bale movie with lots of 'explicit movie sex' while eating leftover sushi and trying not to feel offended by its texture

i wanted to have sex with christian bale

his nose is good

his mouth and eyebrows are also really, really good

i have no conception of his nipple orientation

his nipples could be on his stomach somewhere

they showed his penis in the movie briefly, it was shocking, like the camera was definitely not supposed to show his penis, it just kind of panned down 'curiously'

i can't believe i'm still wearing the bathing suit, i think it's been over six hours

if i ever woke next to christian bale i would make jokes about batman and he would get mad and leave, probably

i reply to text messages too fast, i might sound too eager

the optimal window of time to respond to a text message is three minutes to two hours

going to the beach tomorrow

it will be 48 degrees and rainy

i don't know anyone very well

3.27.10

'nights in rodanthe' is playing on TV

richard gere is tenderly holding diane lane's face while he kisses her

after he did that the people filming them probably said 'good job guys, good kissing, nice work'

today i only left my apartment once to buy a turkey sandwich from the subway next to my building

last night i woke at 4AM on the couch and took breaks from watching parts of 'the shawshank redemption' to stand over my sink and use my fingers to eat really old, damp ravioli from a colander

i think people asked me to do things both tonight and last night but i was like 'i have plans...'

i feel like i see people constantly but i also feel something like extreme loneliness at the same time

people seem to like me, they tell me i'm funny and act disappointed when i don't attend events

seems like there is an algorithm for how i interact with people. the algorithm does something like 'ask weird questions and try to make everything funny but also convey that you are intelligent and capable of empathy, do this by moving your eyebrows and mouth and nodding your head sometimes'

i felt distressed when i found out i lost my wallet but now i accept that it's gone

i can't picture myself as an old person

sometimes i feel like nothing matters and i have no idea what is going to happen to me or human life in general and i don't care

sometimes i feel like my interactions are maybe the only things that matter and i might be failing at them and i want to be better

richard gere is kissing diane lane again, like spinning her around

i am unsure of this movie's plot but it feels like someone has cancer

4.09.10

in my philosophy class we had to form groups and interview each other about whether we thought we were 'living life to the fullest'