Baby My Baby (A Ranching Family) (21 page)

But as tempting as it was, she still shook her head against it, maintaining her denial. “I just don’t believe either of us could pull it off. Old habits die hard—I’ve heard you say that a million times over the years. And no matter how honorable your intentions, I know you’ll be drawn back into it all. And even if I could live with it, it isn’t fair to the baby. The baby deserves more than that. It deserves a father who’s there for it.”

Too vivid in her mind was the memory of the past night, of letting herself think he would arrive any minute when the truth was he was gone, that in spite of his claims that he wanted to be a part of her pregnancy, a part of everything that was going on with her and the baby, he’d left at the drop of a hat.

Much as she loved him, she couldn’t risk it happening again.

“I don’t understand,” he said harshly. “Are you saying it’s better for the baby if its parents aren’t together?”

“In this case, I’m afraid that’s so. Not the way we’d be together.” Beth willed herself to keep from crying.

“And that’s it? Your final answer? To hell with me. To hell with your own feelings for me. To hell with being a family.”

His words made her shudder internally. But all she could say was, “For the baby’s sake, if not my own, I just don’t think I have a choice.”

This time it was Ash who shook his head. Clearly disgusted. Frustrated. So furious his jaw clenched once more.

But he didn’t say anything. It was as if he couldn’t trust himself to.

Instead, he stood and walked out, slamming the front door hard.

And the sound of that slamming door toppled the bricks of the dam that held her feelings contained, and they all suddenly came flooding out to drown her.

“A
re you all right?” Jackson asked Beth as he came out of the kitchen a moment later.

Beth didn’t know her brother hadn’t left the house after letting Ash in, and the realization that he was about to witness her falling apart jolted her back into control. She sat up straighter, squared her shoulders and blinked away the tears so perilously close to the surface.

“Sure. I’m fine,” she managed.

But Jackson didn’t seem convinced. He perched on the arm of the sofa, hooked a boot on the edge of the coffee table and frowned at her. “Shag would have been proud of you,” he said, though it didn’t sound like a good thing.

“You were listening?” But of course he had been, she thought. It was just like Jackson to be on the alert in case she’d needed him.

But all he said was “Voices carry.”

Once more she found herself under a man’s steady, unrelenting stare. And she was getting tired of it. “You look like you’re busting to say something, Jackson. If that’s the case, spit it out,” she said peevishly.

That was all the invitation he seemed to need. “I don’t mind tellin’ you, Beth, I was worried that Ash wasn’t doing right by you. But the truth is, it’s you who’s doing wrong. By Ash. By the baby. By yourself.”

“Overhearing one conversation doesn’t give you a complete picture.”

“Gives me enough of it. Don’t forget, I was raised by the same man, in the same way you were.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with this.”

“Maybe,” Jackson allowed. “Then again, maybe it does.”

Beth frowned back at him, wishing he’d leave her alone with her misery.

No such luck.

Jackson went on in that slow drawl of his. “Listening to Ash’s side, it seems to me that Shag taught you too well to keep things to yourself.”

Beth rolled her eyes at that, but began to be grateful for the rising anger that helped block the pain of having made what she believed to be the right decision against marrying Ash. Somehow it hurt even more than her earlier decision to divorce him. “Don’t tell me you’re advising me to turn into some simpering fool.”

“Me?” he asked, shocked. “I’m the last one who’d do that. I’m just sayin’ that when keeping your feelings to yourself means it costs you what you want most, it can’t be all good.”

She looked away from him and said flatly, “What makes you think I want Ash?”

Jackson blew out a derisive breath. “I was with you last night, remember? I was the one you kept sending to call him every five minutes. To find out anything I could about where he’d gone, if he’d be back, how to get hold of him. I was the one who watched you wishin’ he was there so much you were nearly comin’ apart at the seams. Now I hear you telling him to get lost for the baby’s sake. But you and I know that’s not what it’s really about.”

“It’s all more complicated than you think, Jackson.”

“Sounded pretty simple to me. Ash finally sees that he worked too much and is willing to hire some help so he can fix that. You’re not willing to give him another chance because you’re terrified of what it will do to you if he fails.”

“That’s an oversimplification.” But was it?

Jackson ignored the comment. “Seems to me old Shag would have whupped the tar out of you for sitting back like some martyr and just being the silent, long-suffering wife.
Speak up for yourself
is what he’d have said.”

Jackson sounded so much like their father when he mimicked him that it made her smile in spite of herself.

But he wasn’t finished saying his piece. “Hell, Beth, even old Shag gave in to feelings for the opposite sex. You know he had a soft spot for Momma, and then there was Margie Wilson over at the café. And what about his lady friend in Denver those last years? He even left a full quarter share of everything to her, he must have loved her. You didn’t see him counting it as a weakness and fighting against it the way you are.”

Beth didn’t have a comeback for that because it was true. It just hadn’t ever occurred to her before.

Jackson stood then, apparently drawing his lecture to a close. “You have a baby to think of now,” he said firmly. “And a whole life of your own stretchin’ out ahead of you. You may think you’re doing this for the child’s sake, but are you? Have you considered that a second marriage
could
work? Have you considered the fact that Ash
could
change, that you might be depriving your child of a damn fine daddy after all?” He finished with a clear note of challenge in his voice, leaving her to think about it.

And she did think about it, because her brother’s last comment rang in her ears.

Was she refusing to believe Ash could change because she was worried how she could bear it if he let her down again? Was she afraid of expressing her feelings to him and still coming up empty-handed?

But what had been accomplished by hiding them? she asked herself suddenly.

Sure, as a kid it had kept her from her father’s wrath and harsh punishments. But as an adult it had cost her her marriage. It had caused her to walk from the lake so Ash wouldn’t see her heart break and that had caused the fall that had put the baby in jeopardy.

Lord. She’d never thought of it like that before. But there it was now, frightening her to realize just how high a price she’d paid, how much more she could have paid.

And what about Jackson’s perception that she wasn’t standing up for herself?

That made sense, too.

But recognizing it and doing something about it were two different things.

Could she do it? Could she voice her needs to get them met if she and the baby began to slip down Ash’s list of priorities? What if they got back to the reservation and being there, in the thick of the foundation’s works and the problems that went with them, pulled him back in just as thoroughly as he’d been before? Would she really be able to pull him out again with complaints that would always ring in her ears as things she shouldn’t be saying?

She didn’t know.

And yet, when she really thought about what Ash had promised, she also realized that she should consider the kind of man she knew him to be. A man of intense pride and honor. A man who always kept his word. And he’d given her his word that he would do all he could to be a better husband. In fact, he’d given his word again and again that he’d try. If only she would...

Sitting there on that couch where Ash had left her, Beth had never felt so desolate.

She was facing the rest of her pregnancy and the birth of their baby alone—the way she’d been the night before.

She was facing raising the baby on her own.

But worst of all, she was facing the rest of her life without Ash. Without his love. Without his touch. Without sharing their child.

What she wanted, what she needed, was Ash as her husband. And as an active, full-time father to their baby. And there was only one chance of having that—if she met him halfway. No matter how tough that might be for her.

“Jackson!” she shouted in the direction of the kitchen, hoping her brother hadn’t left the house.

Because she wasn’t supposed to drive just yet.

And she needed to get to Ash before he really did give up on her.

* * *

One advantage to living in a small town was that Beth had no trouble getting a key to Ash’s cabin at the lodge once she’d showered, dressed and fixed her hair and Jackson had driven her there.

She expected Ash to be asleep by then, so after assuring her brother he could go, she slipped quietly into the small, rustic room.

Ash was in bed, on his back, one arm across his eyes, the other over his bare chest, a sheet covering his lower half.

He’d taken a shower himself before he’d gone to bed. Beth knew because there was a faint lingering of steam from the bathroom. The smell of his soap was strong in the air, and the towel he’d used to dry off was on the floor beside the bed.

She wanted to crawl in with him, curl up close to what she suspected was his completely naked body under that sheet, and content herself with lying with him while he slept. But she knew she’d disturb him, so she merely sat in one of the chairs at the table, intent on waiting until he woke up.

No matter how long that might be.

Just being able to look at him helped her feel that it wasn’t too late for them. That she could rescind the rejections and mistrust and doubts she’d heaped on him recently and make everything all right again.

“What are you doing, Beth?” His deep voice came then as he lifted his arm enough to let her see that he’d been watching her from beneath it.

“I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“I wasn’t asleep yet. I was having trouble getting there. For some reason I seem to have a lot on my mind.”

“Like why in the world you ever thought you wanted to remarry someone so worried about being a fool for love that she was just a plain fool?”

“Like how I was going to prove to you I meant what I said about putting work into line behind you so I could convince you to marry me again.”

“And how were you going to do that?” she asked, her curiosity piqued.

“I’m moving to Elk Creek, for starters,” he said without anything hypothetical in it.

That surprised her. “What do you mean?”

He sat up in bed, raising one knee under the sheet at the same time to brace an arm on. “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier this morning, and you’re right. As long as I’m in the thick of things on the reservation, I’ll be drawn into everything in spite of the best intentions. But I can run things from here if I hire some help, and then I won’t be tempted to rush to every little fire that starts. And when I do need to leave to take care of something, you’ll have your family and Kansas and—”

“But you’d be leaving your grandfather, your home, your roots, your traditions.”

“In my tribe,” he said with a tired smile, “it’s the custom for the man to join the wife’s people when they marry. I may be a little late, but I’ll be upholding tradition to move here.”

“But Ash,” she persisted, still as if this whole idea was just conjectural, “what about ceremonies, the community, being a part of your heritage—”

“I can still go back for special occasions and participate. Being here won’t make me less an Indian. Just more of a husband.” His expression sobered then and he pinned her with those black eyes of his. “Because that’s what I want to be, Beth. So if you came here to run me out of town on a rail, you’d better know you’re going to have some trouble.” Which led them back to his unanswered question about her being there. “Is that why you sneaked in here—to try to get me to leave?”

“No, it isn’t,” she answered quietly.

He nodded his approval of that and made a sound that was part sigh, part laugh, as if that were the most he expected to hear from her in the way of an invitation to stay or a statement of her commitment. “Tell me you love me, Beth,” he said, sounding as exhausted as he looked. “If you never do it again for as long as we live, tell me now. Tell me that’s why you’re here and that it’s enough to work out our problems.”

“I do love you,” she obliged, finding it easier than when she’d said it before. “Jackson gave me a good talking-to and pointed out a few things to me, but that was the one thing I knew even without his help.”

The more she said, the higher his eyebrows arched, as if he couldn’t believe she was speaking so freely. “Jackson’s a good man, but what did he say that I didn’t?” he asked, as if testing to see if she really was going to open up to him.

“Among a lot of things, there was one that really struck home—that I was so busy hiding my feelings from you I was refusing myself what I really wanted. I was so afraid of being disappointed again that I was denying the possibility that things could be different.”

“An excellent observation. So here you are,” he said then, tossing the ball into her court again.

“So here I am.”

“And what happens now?”

She took a deep breath, shoring up her strength. “I decided that I’d like to give marriage a second try after all. That I know you’ll do your best to keep your promise about not being swallowed up by the foundation—especially if you move here—and that I’m willing to wrestle with whatever I have to to do my part.”

She stood and went to sit on the edge of his bed, facing him. “Because I really do love you, Ash. More than you’ll ever know. And I want us to be together when this baby is born and through all the good and bad that comes with raising it, and—”

He reached up and cupped her cheek in his big palm and she lost her train of thought as she melted into his touch.

“You know, I’ve been pretty dumb myself, missing out on all we had together by not putting you first,” he said. “I don’t plan on letting that happen again, so there shouldn’t be a need for you to do much complaining about my not being around. But there can never be enough of this kind of talk.”

“You want me falling all over you, is that what you’re telling me?” she joked through her third flash of tears, though now they were from happiness and the swell of love for him that rose from her heart to her throat.

“Physically you can fall all over me anytime,” he joked back, caressing her face. “But verbally? Just a little will do. Just a periodic
hey you, I’m glad you’re my husband.
”

“Will you be?”

“Will I be glad or your husband?”

“Both.”

“Is that a proposal?” he asked in mock surprise.

“I thought you had one coming since I’ve turned down so many of yours.”

“Yes, I’ll gladly marry you and be your husband, a real one this time. And the best father I know how to be.”

He pulled her to him then, capturing her mouth with his in a long, slow, deep kiss.

“I love you, Beth,” he said when he ended it.

“I love you, too.” She looked into his tired eyes and smoothed a finger along the dark shadow beneath one of them. “But you’d better get some sleep.” She kicked off her shoes and raised the sheet, trying not to notice just how naked he was, and slipped into bed with him.

“I suppose sleeping is all we can do?” he asked, sounding resigned.

“For a few days, until the doctor gives us the go-ahead again.”