Back To Me (10 page)

              She didn’t say a word, and her hair made a curtain so I couldn’t see her face. What I did hear was a whimper that escaped her, nearly breaking me in half.

              “I don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I added. “I hate the
way
you left, but I don’t blame you.”

              “And now?” she asked, quietly.

              “And now what?”

              “Now we just move forward? Like nothing happened? I abandoned you when you needed me! How could you not hate me? I hate myself!!” Her voice was just above a whisper, but the desperation in her tone was immeasurable. This had been just as hard on her as it’d been for me. I knew that now. All the times I’d imagined that she’d just left on a whim. That she’d gone out and partied, had one-night stands and lived the good life. The truth was she was a loner like me. She’d retreated within herself, trying to keep the world at bay even though it meant being completely and utterly alone. My heart broke for her. For me.
For us.

              “I did need you. There’s no doubt about that.” The hurt in my voice was evident as well. Just because I understood why she left didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t make the pain any less, and while I was a lot of things, a liar wasn’t one of them. I wasn’t going to lie just to make her feel better.

              Changing tactics I said, “We get to my place and get you settled. That’s step number one. Step number two, we both get a good night’s sleep because we need it. I’ll touch base with Blake tomorrow and see what’s going on, though he’ll need to be careful. If Raul gets wind he’s talking to me, another door will open that needs to stay shut.”

              “Okay,” she agreed.

              “Why don’t you stop for gas? We’ll fill up and I’ll drive the rest of the way,” I offered.

              “How much longer?”

              I looked at the mile marker we’d just passed. Mile one hundred eighty-two. “Another hour or so and we should be there. Traffic’s fairly light.” Thank the Lord for that. I needed to put some distance between us, especially after the heavy conversation we just had.

              Within minutes Heather flipped the blinker, taking a right off the interstate. I needed to get out of the truck and stretch. I
needed
to get out of the truck and get her sweet smell from my mind. Surely the stench of gasoline could accomplish that. Pulling up to a pump, she cut the engine.

              “Why don’t you go in and get us some snacks,” I said, handing her some money. “I could use a bottle of water.”

              “Okay,” she replied, sheepishly. She took the money I gave her, reluctantly.
Pride
like I said.

              I watched her as she walked away from me, her hips swaying slightly and turning the head of everyone she passed. Shaking my head, I busied myself with the task of filling the tank. Fifty-six dollars later we were on our way.

              Silence once again filled the cab of the truck and I could tell the closer we got, the antsier she was becoming. Maybe throwing her into a mosh pit of people wasn’t such a good idea.

              “So, tell me what you’ve been up to,” I prodded. I was trying to kill the lull, but more than that I truly wanted to know.

              “Not much to tell,” she said. “When I…..left,” she murmured, “I tried going back to school.”

              “That’s right! You always wanted to be a teacher. Elementary school, right?”

              “Yeah,” Heather chuckled. “But I flunked. I quit going to my classes and I got so far behind that I couldn’t make it all up. My grants ran out and I never went back.”

              I didn’t say anything. Honestly, I was stunned. It wasn’t like her to quit. To just give up. I waited patiently for her to continue.

              “I started working at Tommy’s right after that.” Heather hung her head, no doubt embarrassed. “I needed quick money and thought I could work there just long enough to get back on my feet. Foolish, huh? You don’t just walk away from Tommy.”

              I heard her sniffle, but didn’t look over. I didn’t want her to feel any worse.

              “No. Not foolish,” I responded. “Sometimes we have to do things we don’t wanna do. I know that better than anyone.”

              “Your job?” she questioned.

              “Yeah, my job,” I confirmed. “I did a lot of bad things just to keep whatever pretense I had to keep up to stay hidden.” I sighed, not wanting the conversation to return to me. This was supposed to be about her.

              “Well, I know you can’t tell me specifics, and that’s okay. But, I figure you did more good than harm and that’s why I was alright with it. I never looked at you any other way,” she whispered.

              Relief flooded my heart that she didn’t see me for the monster I am. Not yet anyways.

              “Well, I’m just glad to be out of it. Blake’s still in, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how the hell he can sleep at night.”

              “You said he came to see you?”

              “Yes.”

              “About me?”

              “Yes.” Might as well come clean because I knew my angel was smart. She was going to figure it out eventually. She’d probably be mad, but it was for her own good.

              “I had Blake watching you when I left California. For a while anyways. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

              “Oh,” she mouthed almost silently. “So you know where I’ve been this whole time?”

              “Not exactly. When I first moved back to Montana, he’d call me almost every week. It took him a while to track you down. He’d just give me updates, letting me know you were okay. After a while he didn’t call as much so I figured you were doing well. That it was best if I just stayed away.”

              “I was anything but fine,” she replied, ruefully. “On the inside anyhow. No one knew me and that made it easier to hide. I kept to myself. I went to work and then home. No friends. No family,” she trailed off.

              I knew the feeling well, though I hadn’t been in the slump as long as she had. I felt so bad for her, knowing she was all alone.

              “Boyfriend?” I shot out.

              She laughed softly. “No, no boyfriend.” I watched her shake her head back and forth, and before long her whole body was shaking with laughter.

              “What’s so funny?”

              “Oh, it’s nothing. Just the thought of having a boyfriend struck me as laughable. I couldn’t stand to be around anyone, much less open myself up to something like that!” Heather was still giggling, which soon turned in to hysterics.

              I mulled over what she’d said while she continued. So, if she didn’t have a boyfriend, did that mean she hadn’t
been
with anyone in over six years?
Impossible!
I scolded myself. She only said she didn’t have a boyfriend, not that she hadn’t given in to a one-night stand. The thought almost sent me boiling so I pushed it aside and moved on to something else.

              “So, what about pretty boy? Never dated him?” I asked, intrigued.

              “No. Johnny was just a friend. A dear friend,” she concluded. “More like a big brother. He watched out for me. Kept his eye on me when I had to deal with Tommy. He looked out for all us girls.”

              “I’ll bet,” I said, sarcastically.

              “Oh, c’mon, it’s the truth. Johnny never felt that way about me and I sure didn’t feel that way about him. I couldn’t keep my mind off……”

              Heather caught herself from going any further, but she didn’t need to. I knew exactly what she was going to say. She couldn’t keep her mind off me. Well, the feeling was mutual because she was the only one on my mind for all these years, too. I’m no saint, mind you. I’d had my share of women, but there’s only one who’d ever had my heart.
My angel
.

              “What about Trace?” Again, I was switching topics, trying to make it more comfortable for her. I wanted to keep the mood light and not upset her again. Starting out on the right foot was key to making this work and keeping my sanity intact.

              “Trace is a dear friend. Really the only one I had. But even she didn’t know the real me. I never told her anything about my past. I never told anybody. Guess that makes me a fraud, huh?”

              “No,” I assured. “It makes you cautious. There’s a difference,” I pointed out.

              “I guess,” Heather agreed. “I felt for her, you know? She has three kids and no help from her ex. He’s a deadbeat to say the least. She works at Tommy’s at night and a factory job during the day just to make ends meet. And she doesn’t like handouts. She doesn’t get any government help. I think that’s one of the things I admire about her the most. She never gives up.”

              “So it would seem. Well, I’m glad that you had her in your life.”

              “Me, too.” Heather wiped a stray tear and turned towards me. “Thank you for coming to get me.” It was heartfelt, I knew, and probably very hard for her to say.

              I wanted to give her something back, but I didn’t know what to say. All I kept picturing in my mind was her leaving me again when this was all over, and it was crushing me.
Rule number four: Never let your emotions get the better of you.

              “It’s what anyone would do,” I shrugged, downplaying my role in helping her. I stated it firmly and to the point, letting her know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t special, though nothing could be further from the truth. She was the most special thing in my world.

              “Oh.” She turned away from me, her hair once again shielding her beautiful face that I was sure held nothing but pain. It was probably a good thing I couldn’t see her, else I would have pulled the truck over right there and professed my undying love for her.

              “We’ll be there soon,” I said, ending the conversation. The rest of the ride was excruciating to say the least, and I watched her shoulders slump and shake with her tears. Yep. I was an asshole.

11

Heather

              After the escapade at the diner things between us seemed to go a little smoother. That is until he blew off the heroic act of coming to save my pathetic ass. It had made me cry, but I reminded myself how stubborn he could be.
Prideful
. No matter how many pep talks I gave, nothing was going to change that. Especially not now so I decided it was best to let it go.

              I kept my mouth shut until we pulled onto a lane surrounded by beautiful pines. I’d never seen anything so grand! I’d been a California girl all of my life and had never stepped foot out of the state. Montana was like crossing over into another world. For the first time in years, I was downright giddy.
I was excited with the possibilities of what life could be.

              “Billy, this is amazing!” I squealed.

              He said nothing, but he boasted his dazzling smile.

              Wooden fences lined both sides, holding in the biggest cattle I’d ever seen. Giant firs and pines made an archway as we drove through, with hints of golden orange on the smaller brush. The smell would take some getting used to, but it was an easy tradeoff from living alone in California and I’d manage.

              “It’s really pretty this time of year,” he stated, proudly from beside me. “It’ll be fall soon, in just a little over a month, and then you’ll really see how gorgeous it is.”

              “I’ll bet.” My eyes were glued to the passing scenery, my head practically turning backwards as I took it all in.

              Just a few seconds later Billy announced, “We’re here.”

              I turned forward, focusing my eyes on the stately house in front of us. It was white with huge balconies, two chimneys, and a porch that would make any southern belle jealous.

              “Billy, it’s stunning!” I was speechless.

              “Think you’ll be able to stand it here?” he joked.

              “Do you have running water?” I kidded right back.

              “Yes.”

              “Do you have heat?”

              “Yes.”

              “Do you have air-conditioning?”

              “Yes.”

              “Then it’ll be like sleeping at the Taj Mahal,” I deadpanned.

              He gave me a funny look, but kept quiet which was good because I didn’t feel like explaining.

              Grabbing my bags from the back of the truck, I walked ahead of him, stepping gingerly onto the porch. Nothing but the quiet invaded my ears. I had never seen anything like this; so serene and peaceful. Just as the thoughts bombarded me, I reminded myself that I shouldn’t get too comfortable. It wouldn’t be long before I’d be leaving here and going back to California, though I had no idea where I’d go. I knew my house wouldn’t be waiting for me. The bank would make sure of that.

              “Here we are.” Billy stepped around me and unlocked the front door. I hesitantly took a step forward, dying to see the inside and yet not wanting to leave the porch.

              Opening my eyes wide to take it all in, I surveyed the interior. The worn wooden floors were tastefully covered with throw rugs. The fireplace was enormous, with brick surrounding the exterior, all the way up to the ceiling. The furniture was newer; the sofa and matching recliner covered in rich, burgundy leather. I ran my hand along the back, lingering a little longer on the beautiful quilt thrown over the cushions. I wondered if his Grams had made it.

              Billy cleared his throat. “Your room is right this way,” he gestured with a nod of his chin. I followed behind him, listening to the floors creak beneath our feet. The sound was comforting and not once did I fear falling through the floor like I did at my place.

              He stepped aside, letting me enter the guest room first. The wrought-iron bed with a cozy looking bedspread and a ton of pillows to lose oneself in, was nestled between two large windows, adorned with lace curtains. The walls were a pastel yellow, complementing the massive dark dresser and wardrobe. The room screamed it had been decorated by a woman, as men weren’t much for décor. I imagined this was the doings of his Grams and out of love and respect for her, he left it as is.

              “This okay?” he asked, timidly.

              “It’s beautiful,” I said, spinning on my heels. “Thank you.” I walked cautiously towards him and raising up on my tiptoes, I kissed him softly on the cheek. Something I’d been dying to do since I saw him earlier.

              Billy looked stunned, but didn’t move away from me. I felt his eyes drop, concentrating on my lips. I wanted to press mine against his, but thought better of it. We couldn’t afford to blur the lines of what this really was.

              “I’ll let you get settled,” he said, quickly. He walked across the room, setting my bags at the end of the bed.

              “Bathroom’s across the hall. There’s towels in the linen closet.”

              “Okay, I’ll find them,” I assured.

              “I’m gonna fix us something for dinner. I haven’t been to the store in a while, but I’ll see what I can do. Anything sound good?” he offered.

              “Surprise me?” I cooed, looking at him through my lashes.
Get a grip!
I mentally scolded myself. This isn’t a date. It’s just dinner!

              He nodded his head before practically running out the door.
Smooth, Heather. Real smooth!

              I heard the clunking of his heavy boots against the wooden floor. When they faded away, I finally took a deep breath. Resting my hands on my hips, I looked around before unpacking my belongings. Hopefully there was something decent to put on. I rifled through a few things before settling on my yoga pants and a long tee. Making my way across the hall, I grabbed a couple of towels and a washcloth from the closet before turning the water in the shower to scalding hot. I was beyond ready to get out of these clothes and wash the funk from Tommy’s off of me. I was ready to forget all of it.

              When I had finished scrubbing every inch of my body, I towel-dried, reveling in the feel of the soft cotton against my skin. I wrapped another towel around my hair and swiped my hand across the mirror to remove the fog. There staring back at me was the bruise I’d endured at the hand of Raul, just like Johnny had predicted. In addition my face was flushed, no doubt from the thoughts I had in the shower. I was naked and Billy was
so close
. Closer than he’d been in a long time. In the same house. Chill bumps broke out across my body, but yet I was on fire. It was unsettling, but it wasn’t the first time I’d thought about him over the years.

              I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste, scrubbing the film away from my teeth. That always made me feel better. I combed my hair then ran my fingers through it, deciding to let it air dry. One final glance, a wince at my bruised cheek and a sigh later, I was ready to face him. If my overall look didn’t deter him, I didn’t know what would. I made a pact with myself to lay low, and that’s what I was going to do.

              The bathroom door creaked when I opened it slowly. I was trying to be discreet, but so much for that.

              “You done?” Billy called from the hallway.

              “Um, yeah. Be right there!” It was time to pull up my big girl panties and get dinner over with. We’d eat and then I could run back to the safety of my room, not having to face him again tonight. I was sure he would be ready to get me out of his hair, too.

              “I made spaghetti. Hope that’s okay,” he said as I rounded the corner.

              “Sounds great,” I replied, my mouth watering from the smell. We hadn’t eaten since earlier this morning, and though I snacked along the way I was still famished.

              I followed him down the hall and into the kitchen. It was just as charming as the living room. The cabinets looked to be made of real wood, not the cheap, fabricated material used in homes today. The counter tops were a thick, butcher-block, same as the make-shift island in the middle of the room. It was…. quaint.

              Billy plated our food and brought it over to the table. I waited for him to get settled and then he said, “Dig in.” He didn’t have to tell me twice.

              I took a very unladylike bite, noodles hanging from my chin. I blushed, embarrassed that I looked like a barbarian. “S’good,” I said, choking down the large portion that had made it into my mouth.

              “Glad you like it. I need to run to the store later and stock up. This was the only choice tonight.”

              We ate in silence until finally he cleared his throat. “The bedroom okay?” he asked.

              “It’s great. Thank you.” I kept my eyes averted down towards my lap. It all felt like charity and I didn’t like that. I wanted him to
want
me to be here, but I knew that just wasn’t the case.

              “Make yourself at home,” Billy continued. “Feel free to look around if you’d like.”

              “Thanks. I might do that tomorrow. I’m kinda tired,” I lied. There was no way I’d be able to sleep tonight. I had too many things running through my mind.
Raul
.
Money
.
Needing a job to pay my own way
.
How long would I be here?
Billy.
My brain was running faster than a hamster on an exercise wheel.

              “Suit yourself.” Billy stood abruptly, the chair screeching across the tile floor. He dumped his plate in the sink, causing a loud crash.

              “I’ll see you in the morning.” Just like that he was gone, and I was left sitting by myself wondering what the hell I had done wrong this time.

              My appetite was gone so I followed suit, raking my leftovers in the trash and then placing my plate gently in the sink. I noticed several cups along with the ones we’d just messed up and decided to wash them. It wouldn’t take long and it’d give me something to do.

              I washed and dried them, stacking them neatly on the counter. I didn’t feel comfortable rifling through his cabinets to put them away, even though he’d said to make myself at home. This felt like anything
but
home.

              I looked around, deciding what to do next. I found some cleaning supplies and decided to tackle the main part of the house. It was the least I could do.

              I wiped the kitchen counters and mopped the floor, tying the trash up and putting it by the back door. I’d take it out in the morning when it wasn’t so dark. I moved to the living room, dragging the bucket of sudsy water with me and trying to make as little noise as possible. I dusted the coffee table, the television, and the pictures sitting around. I moved to the mantle, taking care to get each picture displayed there as well.

              “Dammit!” A sharp pain radiated through my foot and I looked down to find blood. I didn’t drop anything, at least not that I recollected. I was being so careful! Within seconds, Billy came running down the hall in nothing but a pair of shorts.

              “You okay?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

              “Yeah, sorry,” I muttered. So much for being quiet. “Just stepped on a piece of glass or something.”

              Billy stood stock-still, bracing his hands on his muscular hips. His head hung down, offering me no clue as to what he was thinking. I guess he was mad at me for waking him.

              “I’ll be fine. Sorry to bother you.” I began to hobble past him, towards the hallway and to the bathroom to get myself cleaned up. It stung like wildfire, and the more pressure I put on my foot, the more I felt whatever it was digging further into my skin.

              I hadn’t made it all the way around him when suddenly, he lifted me gingerly in his strong arms and carried me down the hall. Without saying a word, he nudged the bathroom door open, setting me on the counter and flipping on the light.

              He squatted down, shuffling things around under the sink. When he stood, he had a first aid kit in his hands. Billy opened it, removing what he needed. An alcohol wipe, tweezers, anti-biotic cream, and a bandage. He set about cleaning the cut as I winced in pain.

              “Sorry,” he whispered. “You have a pretty big piece of glass stuck in the wound. I’m going to have to get it out. Just hold still, angel.”

              I sat quietly, biting my lip to keep from screaming. Billy was being so careful and gentle that it made me tear up even more. It was a complete one-eighty from how he acted earlier at the dinner table.

              “Got it,” he said, holding it over the trashcan before releasing it. I heard a clunk as it fell into the wastebasket.

              “This might sting a little.” Billy took an alcohol wipe and cleaned the area again, making sure to wash away the blood. I jumped with discomfort, almost kicking him in the head in the process. He glared at me, but went about doing what needed to be done. I closed my eyes, willing the tears away. Before long I felt his warm breath, blowing on the fresh cut and affecting me in other areas as well.