Back To Our Beginning (38 page)

“Then we should at least try,” Tansy said.

The others agreed. Ethan and Emmy remained at the mine to keep an eye on the three youngest children with Rose’s help. Tansy wanted the opportunity to look for other vegetation; she wasn’t disappointed. She found a few wild potatoes and tubers. She was able to locate growing sunflowers she would take home for their seeds later in the season, if they weren’t destroyed or eaten. With help, she was able to hang numerous pieces of ripped linen they carried to mark safe places. She was hopeful the blowing rags would deter the birds and squirrels from making off with the flowers. They found more tomatoes, Tansy wanted to dry the seeds and see if she could have a garden in the spring, nature permitting. They came across a lone cherry tree and gorged on the fruit as well as packing some to return to the mine with.

The corn they found was enough to fill their deer hide backpacks. The packs had been made by piecing together a large section of hide then stitching the sides. The top flap was left to hang over the opening. Most chose to use one large band to sling over a shoulder. Tansy found she could use her pack while still using her sling carrier for Michaela, leaving her hands free.

“It’s too bad we won’t have fresh corn for this Thanksgiving. But at least it will be better than the last one,” Tansy said, shuddering in remembrance. There’d been no giving of thanks last year, only tears after Shane died.

“Wonder if we could get us a turkey?” Clint said.

“You mean besides you?” Cord asked then dodged a flying piece of corn laughing.

“A turkey,” Tansy said, her eyes lighting up. “Oh, I haven’t had turkey in so long.”

“’Betcha I could find one,” Clint said. He was affected by the wistful expression on her face.

“I’d give anything to taste turkey again,” Tansy said.

“Like what?” Clint prodded, his interest piqued.

“I think I’d sleep with the devil himself,” Tansy said with a light joking tone.

“How ’bout me? I mean I ain’t no devil; I sure as hell ain’t no angel,” Clint said a bit anxiously. He decided he’d waited long enough and was looking for an opening. It was time to explore a deeper relationship and end the loneliness.

“What is it you’re asking?” Tansy said. She stopped putting corn into her pack and straightened up to look at him. Clint ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m askin’ if’n I find you a turkey will you sleep with me?”

Tansy’s mouth dropped open. She was too stunned to even respond.

“Now wait jist a minute,” Clint said, splaying his hands in supplication. “All’s I mean is that it’s been a long time since I have, or you have.... It ain’t like I’m payin’ you or nothin’. It ain’t a business deal. It’s jist me showin’ you I can provide for you and am worthy of you and maybe deserve to know you ’preciate me, ’cause I sure ’nough ’preciate you.”

The others had moved off discreetly to give the couple a few moments alone. Tansy stood there so shocked and undecided Clint became concerned she might bolt.

“Am I that ugly?” he asked her fretfully.

“No, you’re not ugly at all,” Tansy whispered, she looked up into his impossibly deep blue eyes.

“Then what is it? Are you afraid a me?”

“Sometimes.”

“But why? I ain’t never hurt you or your girls.”

“No, you’ve never harmed us. But you never would have looked out for Shanie and Emmy.”

“Now that ain’t true! I’d protect your girls, all of ’em, with my life.”

“Not from Cord,” Tansy said, her eyes flashing. There, finally she was able to bring her anger and suspicions out into the open. Clint ran a troubled hand through his hair again.

“What is it you want me to do?” he began a bit brokenly. “I knowed Cord my whole life, we growed up together. We took care a each other when things was bad as kids and yonder. There was times he saved my granny and me from starvin’ and losin’ our home. He was my best man at my weddin’. He paid for my granny’s funeral and Bess’ crib. Still, I would never a let him beat on your girls Tansy, not ever.”

“But you would’ve let him force them.”

“He wouldn’t never a hurt ’em like Rose was hurt.”

“And there you have it,” Tansy snapped. “You think as long as no bones are broken and no bruising occurs a woman isn’t really harmed or hurt. Would you have let him force Annie or Bess?”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because they belonged to you? Every man should protect and respect all women as if they ‘belonged’ to them. Annie wasn’t yours because you bought her; she loved you, trusted you to do what was right by her, that’s the tie that held you together to make Bess.”

“So maybe you think it’s my fault she died.”

“No, Clint, you aren’t responsible for their deaths, never think that. The world fell apart. When Bess died, your wife didn’t want her child to go all alone into the unsure.”

She moved in closer to him and placed a soft hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. Tansy never thought Clint was responsible for his wife wanting to commit suicide; she understood the woman’s anguish, how much she would’ve been torn between wanting to be with her child or her husband. Tansy knew Clint would have protected his Annie from anyone, including Cord.

“You want me to pick between Cord and your girls?”

“No,” Tansy said, she squeezed his arm gently. “You already have.” Tansy picked up her heavy pack and began the long walk back to the mines.

The others soon followed until they trailed behind Tansy. Her stiff form walked head high. Clint walked behind her, head down, his shoulders slouching. Cord had heard their altercation, as did everyone else. His emotions were in turmoil. Cord was furious with Tansy. Who was she to dictate to Clint? Yet her assumptions were correct. Although Clint had verbally interjected he’d never once physically intervened. Surprisingly, that thought made Cord feel miserable. Watching poor little Rose keep to the shadows and bow her head in supplication when he walked by was beginning to make him angry. Cord would’ve liked to meet Rourke so he could kill him all over again. He had been disgusted to hear what the man had done to such a vulnerable young girl and her defenseless brother.

What if Tansy was right? Cord knew rape was immoral, but he always justified himself by thinking he never actually harmed a woman. He was so big and powerful, he could take a woman without leaving a mark. But perhaps pinning them without a fight wasn’t acquiescence. What if he really had hurt them? Did he even care? With this last thought Cord had a sobering insight, maybe he didn’t care then but he cared now. Seeing and facing the ramifications of forcing someone was in his face every day. She walked and talked and felt and hid or huddled in a corner unsure, until he’d grown disgusted with himself. Perhaps there was something to what Tansy said after all, and maybe now he understood why he didn’t like smart women.

* * * *

Once Tansy reached the mine she unloaded her vegetables and other bounty she collected. Her discussion with Clint had aggravated her to the point where she wanted to be alone. She knew in her heart Clint was a good man, but she was unsure if she was even ready for a relationship with someone other than her husband. Tansy and Shane had been together for so long he felt an actual part of her. Tansy knew it wasn’t the sexual act itself, but its significance to her. To her it meant commitment, love, wanting to spend a lifetime together, raising children. Being together forever had always been foremost in her mind, dying old together on the same day at the same time after leading a long satisfying life.

Tansy’s shoulders slumped and she paused in her thoughts. She left the mine to sit knees drawn tightly to her chest, at the bank by their little stream, huddled under the rock overhang. Her biggest problem, she felt, was she’d never been with anyone except Shane. Perhaps if she had sex because she wanted to with a man, a fling of sorts, meaningless intimacy once in her life, she’d feel differently, not as strongly. Maybe, she thought, she was being a prude.

Tansy pondered deeper and realized suddenly she wouldn’t have to worry about pregnancy. She wouldn’t have to worry about marriage or some type of formal commitment. There weren’t any more binding laws or rules of etiquette, and if she wanted her girls protected, she could damn well protect them herself. She had up until now. Why deny herself the feeling of close physical contact because of a false illusion of security? Hell, Clint could be eaten by another kamikaze dragon tomorrow. She could die tomorrow. Did she really want to play it safe by hiding behind polite society’s rules? Was she avoiding intimate contact, did she really want to be alone forever? Was this an opening to end the unbearable loneliness?

She remembered telling Ethan she didn’t want to be alone. She already knew Clint was a good provider; he didn’t need to prove that to her. But a turkey? This was just too insane to be pondering...wasn’t it? When she first set eyes on Shane so long ago she knew she loved him, and he her. Her feelings for Clint weren’t the same, she feared him at first. She no longer held any fear of him, hadn’t for quite a while.

Wasn’t there really only one answer? Then why was she sitting by a riverbank feeling so distressed and confused? Tansy knew why. She wasn’t a child, this wasn’t first love. When Shane died, her world died with him, and though it felt like her heart had exploded she hadn’t stopped breathing; she persevered for her children. She was now feeling something within that she thought was gone, something she thought died with Shane. Not only a need to be wanted, but a need to want in return. She didn’t love Clint, but he ignited a feeling within. Even a small spark could lead to flames, but only if she fueled it.

With determination Tansy strode back to the mine. Clint wasn’t hard to find, he was slumped close to one of the fires. Tansy walked over to him with purpose.

“Alright,” she said to him, taking a firm decided stance before him.

Clint looked up mystified. “Alright?”

“I’ll sleep with you, if you can catch and kill a turkey and bring it home cleaned. Hell, I’ll even stuff it and cook it.”

Clint whooped in delight.

“There will be ground rules,” Tansy told him a bit shakily.

“What kind?”

“I pick when and where. And since I’ve never been with anyone but my husband, you must be very careful and go slowly and patiently, with a great deal of compassion and gentleness.”

Tansy was trembling by the time she finished her demands. Her bravado faltering. She couldn’t believe how brazen she was becoming, what kind of contest was this? They caught and found enough food. But it went much deeper than that. It was time she let go. She couldn’t hold onto her husband’s ghost forever, but she couldn’t let go on her own. Maybe Clint had seen that. Perhaps it was a feeling he also held because of his wife. Maybe by turning it into a contest, her fear of loving someone wouldn’t enter into her mind, she wouldn’t risk being hurt. It would be just sex, simple. It was time she started to live and feel again, not simply exist for the sake of her children.

If her heart was dead, she wouldn’t be standing here considering this. Her breathing was rapid as she tried to explain her inner turmoil to herself, rationalize her disturbed feelings.

“Mom, would you really sleep with Clint?” Emmy pulled her aside and asked her.

Tansy studied her daughter then noted others who appeared extremely busy when she gazed in their direction. She sighed, once again remembering that living in a mine with ten other people offered little to zero privacy. Sometimes it felt the equivalent to living in a fish bowl. Everyone was always aware what the other was doing.

“Don’t you ever feel lonely, Emmy?” Tansy was aware of the longing looks Emmy cast in Aidan’s direction, and vice versa.

Emmy glanced at Aidan who stood in deep conversation with Ethan. “Sometimes,” she admitted.

“I loved your dad, sweetheart. Our love was so strong it produced three beautiful miracles.” She was so grateful to Shane for helping her achieve what she presumed was an un-achievable reward with the birth of each child.

“But daddy’s gone now,” Emmy said.

“Yes he is, but I’m not. I want and need to be loved again, please try and understand. Your father loved me so much and so well I can’t help but crave that same feeling. I’m tired of the anger and the hurt Emmy, anger takes too much from a soul, too much time and energy. As much as I love you girls, I’m finding myself feeling I need more.”

“Of course I understand. I love you, Mom. I know how much you loved daddy. I know how much you love us. I’m not judging you, I have no right. You’ve always been there for me, for us all. Now it’s time for me to be there for you.”

* * * *

The first turkey caught, killed and cleaned came from Aidan. Aidan knew how much Tansy loathed cleaning the animals. Tansy laughed at the scowling dark look cast by Clint. Tansy took the large bird and smiled into Aidan’s face, feeling a deep sense of relief.

“I’m sure Emmy will be very grateful you made me happy,” Tansy told him.

“I’m counting on it,” Aidan replied intensely. That left Tansy wondering if Aidan and Emmy had struck their own deal. Though she wasn’t surprised at that possibility.

Tansy took the turkey to skewer so she could stuff it and ready it for roasting on a spit before wrapping it in chicken wire they found in a large roll near an old broken barn. Aidan found an old crank from an ancient tractor, set out for decoration no doubt. He was able to find a piece of metal piping they scoured clean to attach to the handle. After the turkey was set over the flames with help, Tansy and the others took turns turning the turkey. The device was crude, but worked well enough and kept the large bird from burning in spots and being undercooked in others.

Tansy sprinkled it with salt from one of the packets Clint found when they were in town and added her own seasonings. While the turkey roasted, Tansy and Ethan ground corn that had been dried in the mine. They’d used smoke to aid in its drying as the mine could be damp; they couldn’t risk it getting moldy.

When mixed with a melted cake of pemmican, some pollen from a cattail and the sugar rich gum from reeds, the cornmeal was dropped by spoonful onto a large flat rock positioned on the grill over their ground oven. Tansy coated the rock carefully with animal fat not wanting it to spill down the sides of the rock when melted as it would spit and sizzle. After each piece was cooked a light golden, the darker edges crisp, Tansy set them aside to cool, she then checked on the onions and the fungus from an oak cooking overhead in the pot with the reed root, day lilies and stems from the cattail.