Back To Our Beginning (40 page)

“Well why? I’ve never milked a goat before,” he exclaimed.

“Well, I’m not much for other female’s boobs,” Tansy said.

Laughing at her reasoning, Cord told her if it was a woman he’d be first in line, and though feeling desperate of late the goat just wasn’t his type. “Her legs are too hairy for me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Tansy told him, then chuckled as his eyebrows rose.

Grasping high with a curled thumb and forefinger and gently squeezing down with her other fingers in a rolling motion, Tansy was able to squirt out a stream of milk. Her victory was short-lived however as the milk missed the bowl and shot Clint in the eye. He was holding the goat but had squatted down near her to offer aid. Now requiring his own aid Clint swiped at his eye with a balled fist.

“Now that jist wasn’t nice,” he complained.

“Sorry,” Tansy muttered. She was concentrating on her next squeeze. It hit her square in the chest and ran down her shirt.

“Wet t-shirt contest!” Cord howled.

Grumbling, Tansy again tried, filled with determination and was overcome with self-satisfaction as the stream hit the bowl. Not directly in the bowl, but rather ran down the outside of it.

“I bet you’re a lousy pool player,” Clint told her and rolled his eyes.

Offering him a smile of delight, Tansy squeezed again and hit Clint directly in the face. “I meant to do that,” she declared happily.

Tansy was able to fill the bowl with very little spillage. She stood triumphantly when she was finished and took the first sip. “Hey, that’s good.”

Soon the others crowded around for their first taste of milk in close to a year.

“Is this really milk?” Michaela asked skeptically.

“Sure, button,” Clint answered.

Michaela twitched her nose wondering what all the fuss was about and skipped off taking Max, Ricky and Lucky with her. Tansy gave the last of the milk to Rose who sipped it. She took the bowl up the hill to go huddle near the fire in the main area as if she were cold.

“Maybe that’ll perk her up,” Cord said, his gaze following the young girl.

“No, it won’t,” Tansy answered sadly.

“What do you mean?” Ethan asked.

“I think Rose is pregnant.”

“No,” came a chorus of denials by the men and Emmy. Shanie had followed the children to the top of the mine and hadn’t heard Tansy’s concerned words.

“But why? How?” Ethan said, then completely embarrassed reiterated, “She’s way too young.”

“Yes, she is,” Tansy agreed.

“But Mom, what will we do?” Emmy asked.

Tansy looked at Emmy, then hardened her eyes and looked at Aidan, though her words were meant for her daughter. “One day you might get pregnant. Let’s face it, there is no birth control out here. And it’s a woman who takes all the risks.” Aidan flushed crimson with embarrassment, and for a moment felt surprisingly like a young boy caught doing something he shouldn’t have, then a feeling of deep concern assaulted him when his gaze shifted to Emmy. Tansy was right.

Emmy still stood facing her mother concerned. “But she’s so young,” Emmy said and began weeping; Aidan was quick to offer her comfort.

“Young or not, ready or not, it’s going to happen,” Tansy told her firmly, refusing to be swayed by her daughter’s tears lest her own begin to fall.

“How soon?” Ethan asked.

“Too soon,” Tansy snapped, then relented realizing her anger was misdirected and said, “I don’t know, maybe six months or more or less. All I know is that by the time she turns thirteen, she’ll be a mother.”

“Christ Tansy, she’s jist a little baby herself,” Clint said full of concern. He’d grown fond of the young melancholy girl. Her sweet tentative smile toward him when he tried to be charming had endeared her to him.

“I know she is. We’re all going to have to help her. She’s going to be scared enough when I tell her. I was young when I had Emmy, not nearly that young, but I had so much support I made it through. Maybe if we give her all the love and support and attention she needs, she’ll be okay.”

“What about the delivery?” Ethan asked, obviously a hospital birth was out of the question. There were no doctors, he was very well aware of that fact.

“I’ve had three of my own but have never been on the receiving end of any,” Tansy admitted worriedly, seeing the direction of Ethan’s concerns.

“I have. I helped my Annie; we was out far and it happened so quick there weren’t no time for a doctor or hospital. She had Bess in my granny’s house,” Clint said.

“Then we’ll need you to help reassure her before the time comes and during the delivery,” Tansy told him, though his admittance did little to alleviate fears.

Clint nodded stiffly. Annie had been a woman full-grown. This was different; this was a baby giving birth to a baby. She wasn’t even thirteen, she could die. He remembered the pain Annie went through, he remembered her screams, knowing he would’ve done anything for her to make her pain go away. Clint blamed himself for her pain; he knew if he hadn’t been with her the agony of labor would never have happened. He knew she had been overjoyed when she found out she was pregnant, so had he, but her pitiful cries during the delivery had slammed daggers into his heart.

Annie had wanted his baby, she had wanted him. Clint realized it would have been different if she hadn’t wanted him, if he forced himself on her and then she had gotten pregnant like Rose.

Looking over at Tansy’s concerned face, Clint felt like he’d been hit with a sledge hammer. How could he have been so stupid? Why was he always so stupid? Especially about women. He finally understood Tansy’s anguish, her fears about her daughters. No wonder she was still afraid of him. It wasn’t because of his size; it was because of his stupidity. His unwillingness to face the consequences of his actions or inactions. The act of a man forcing himself on a woman wasn’t just in the heat of the moment; it could lead to a lifetime of serious ramifications, bittersweet regrets, anger fighting love, denial, maybe even hatred. If another life was created and neither expected it, wanted it or was ready for it or cared for it, what happens to that life?

He couldn’t begin to imagine him or Annie not wanting Bess. They loved her beyond reason, and Annie died to be with their child. How would Rose feel about this new life? Would she even want it? Who could blame her if she didn’t? And if she didn’t, what would they do with the baby? They could clothe it and take care of it, but would the goat’s milk keep it alive if Rose refused to offer it her breast? They would need to fashion some type of bottle regardless, in case Rose was unable to feed the child or, God forbid, died during the delivery.

Clint felt overwhelmed. His thoughts had taken flight into darkness, a place he didn’t want to be. Yet there he was. A baby would give birth to a baby because of one solitary man’s irrepressible act. A terrible realization dawned; Shanie really wasn’t much older than Rose when they had first met, would he have stood by and let Cord or Randy—
No!
His mind screamed out a fierce denial.

“Clint, are you alright?” Cord asked him. He’d been watching his friend’s pensive frown turn into an intense cold look of anguish and almost fearful guilt.

Without any warning, Clint balled his fist and smashed Cord in the mouth. Emmy screamed and Aidan raced to interfere. Cord lay on the ground stunned; he sat up slowly, his hand holding his jaw. Clint cornered Tansy who was frightened by his look of severe intensity. She felt herself shaking as Clint pressed himself against her, caught up in the passion of his thoughts.

“Ain’t no man has the right to hurt a woman. Ethan wanted ground rules when he first come and you said first one is no fightin’, but I ain’t appoligizin’ to Cord. Second one is no hurtin’ women. Forcin’ is hurtin’ whether or not it leaves marks.” Clint glared at the rest of the men. “I’ll kill anyone who forces a woman...includin’ you,” his gaze snapped daggers at Cord. Clint moved away from Tansy, spun around and stormed out of the mine.

They all stood shocked. Cord rose to his feet rubbing his jaw.

“Are you all right?” Tansy asked him with concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine; he’s got a mean left hook, always has,” Cord said, then to everyone’s surprise he chuckled.

“You find this amusing?” Ethan asked him.

“Both Clint and I have been battling some demons since Rose came along. I knew it was just a matter of time. Maybe the baby was the last straw.” As Cord sauntered away, he also added, “Maybe I had it coming.”

* * * *

Tansy followed Clint’s trail that led her to the stream. It was ironic that Clint had been the one to teach her basic tracking skills and the first time she used them was on him. She sat on the grassy bank while she watched Clint wash, scrubbing at himself with the sand he scooped up from the streambed below. He was kneeling in the water and the stream came only to his mid chest. He leaned back dunking his head; when he came up for air, he glanced over at Tansy.

Clint stood and began to make his way toward Tansy unhurriedly, he was completely nude. Tansy drank in the sight of him. He was big and powerful and well-muscled. Because of the oppressive heat, they all wore very little and most of him was tanned. His chest was exceptionally broad and sprinkled with a generous amount of darkened hair. His impressive thighs took long strides.

Clint reached the bank and reached up to squeeze the length of his long black hair. He shook his head to expel most of the water, which sent Tansy squealing backwards from the spray. Only then did he pick up his ratty worn shorts made from his jeans and donned them. Clint flopped beside Tansy and lay back on the grass, an arm tucked beneath his head, his knees bent. When he looked at her, his brilliant blue eyes were full of sorrow.

“When the world ended, everythin’ changed. I was blind to what Cord and Randy did ’cause I had Annie and Bess. Then they died and I jist stopped carin’. Like some mindless robot.”

“I was angry when Shane died.”

“Shane was taken away from you by force, stolen from your family. My Annie killed herself. She chose to go away from me, to leave me all alone.” Tansy saw moistness forming around the corners of his eyes, she felt his anger and hurt of betrayal, the pain and abandonment and his feelings of terrible guilt, his sadness.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Weren’t it? She knew what Randy and Cord was doin’. She begged me to stop ’em, but I told her they never hurt ’em women. They never hit ’em. I knew Annie was lonely for other women to talk to, but any woman brought back by ’em never said nothin’ to her. They jist never said anythin’ or did anythin’ but cried. I always thought Bess and me was ’nough for her. I thought I was all she needed, I thought she trusted me, loved me.” A single tear trailed its way down the side of his face. Tansy wiped it away; her own eyes were weeping with his pain.

“Then Annie and my baby girl was gone and I didn’t want nobody. I swear, Tansy; I ain’t never touched any of ’em women, not ever!”

“But you never helped them either.”

“No I didn’t. I shut my eyes and ears and convinced myself that as long as they was released...unharmed, they was fine.”

“But they had been harmed.”

“I know that now. I’m jist sorry I’m so stupid I never figured it out sooner.”

“You’re not stupid, Clint. You were hurting. You’ve never hurt me or my girls,” Tansy said, giving him a half smile that didn’t really reach her eyes. She was struggling with her own inner turmoil, her need to console her agonized friend. Yet her thoughts of immense outrage plagued her. How could he not have understood? How could some men really think this way, be so barbaric?

“I wouldn’t never a let Cord touch Shanie. Cord wouldn’t anyhow, he ain’t never hurt a little girl and to him Shanie is a little girl. First off, he told Randy she was too young and off limits.”

The air was consumed with tension. Both Tansy and Clint knew that Emmy came between them. Though tiny, Clint knew that Cord considered her a woman simply because of her age.

“The world endin’ changed a lot a people,” Clint began.

“Are you saying Cord wasn’t like that before?” Tansy asked, knowing the answer.

“Hell yes, he was mean afore. He used women, but he didn’t want to end up in jail by forcin’ one. When there weren’t nobody left to lock him away, it was like he was let loose in a candy store.”

At that analogy, Tansy shuddered. She felt so much sadness for the women who suffered and equally sad knowing Clint had stood by and did nothing to help any of them.

“Cord ain’t the same, Tansy. He weren’t nearly so bad when we come across you and the girls. Even Randy was complainin’ a loneliness. There didn’t seem to be many women left and I’m thinkin’ they was gettin’ real worried. They even talked ’bout maybe bein’ nice for a change.”

“Well how considerate,” Tansy spit out sarcastically.

Clint sat up and placed a large hand under Tansy’s chin, his gaze caught hers. “I feel bad ’bout what coulda happened to Emmy. I’m sorry ’bout a lot a thin’s that coulda happened. But I can’t apologize or be held responsible for somethin’ that never happened. Please believe that I honestly feel Cord never wanted to hurt Emmy and I doubt he woulda. All three a us coulda done anythin’ we wanted at any time ’cause you was all so helpless against us, yet we didn’t. And you don’t know it, but Cord thinks a that boy Chris every day. His face will haunt him forever. If’n he were so bad, he wouldn’t give the kid a second thought—but he does. I’m thinkin’ he’s dealing with a lotta guilt.”

Tansy had one more question left, “Would Cord have hurt me?”

“I wouldn’t a let him,” Clint declared passionately, his eyes narrowed dangerously and she believed him.

“But he would have, if he knew you wouldn’t intervene.”

“You ain’t like any woman he’s ever knowed. He’s used to women doin’ what he wants when he wants. Hell, he was born big. He got mean when his mama ran away and left him alone with his daddy. He wasn’t yet big ’nough to keep his old man from beatin’ on her. That’s why he don’t never hit women. He didn’t like it none when Randy hit his wife; believe it or not, she would run to Cord for his protection when Randy lit into her. Randy never knew, but it was Cord who give her the money to leave, so’s she would take the kid and not abandon it with Randy. Randy woulda made a lousy daddy, just like Cord’s was.