Back to the Drawing Board (16 page)

I GRABBED MY PURSE FROM
the seat of my rental car and looked out the window at the dreary building in front of me. Layers of barbed wire fences surrounded the vicinity, and a watchtower stood out in the bright, sunny, Oklahoma day. I’d never been to Oklahoma before all of this happened, and I wasn’t supposed to be here now. Nothing could stop me from being here, though, no matter the circumstances. I was the only one that would come. I knew that. I was probably the only one that knew where he was, or cared.

It was visiting day. I looked around at the other people arriving, most of them with somber expressions on their faces. It wasn’t fun being here but it was necessary for us to show our loved ones we still cared about them despite their choices. I flipped down the visor, checking that my makeup had survived the flight from Colorado and drive here in the summer heat.

After waiting what seemed like forever to get through the doors and into the visitation room, I scanned the people coming in and out, waiting to see him. My stomach clenched, knowing I’d cry the second he stepped in here. I always did, and he always told me not to, that he was okay. It was so hard to see him like this and not wish it could be different; to pray for a miracle to happen.

I kept myself busy watching the other people in the room: some of them lovers, some parents, some of them kids seeing a parent. I watched a little blonde boy jump up and down, attaching himself to the legs of a blonde haired man who looked a lot like him. Tears sprang to my eyes when the grown man broke down into tears, holding onto a woman and the small child like his life depended on it.

All of the people had one thing in common in this room: they all had regrets, pain that they carried with them day after day. The door opened again and another group of people came in. I spotted him immediately. I stood, my hands at my mouth, to try to contain the hysteria that threatened. He was my Johnny: dark, curly, messy hair, a beard that was too long, and big brown eyes. I scanned his body, checking to see if he looked like he was eating properly or if he had any injuries. He was tall, over six feet and when he wasn’t in here, was cut and muscular.

His eyes met mine across the room and he smiled, his white teeth showing a happiness I knew he didn’t feel. I stood, tapping my foot impatiently as he made his way over. One of the rules was we couldn’t run across the room or make sudden movements. I had to wait for him by the table and he would come to me. Guards stood every few feet in the room, keeping a watch on what everyone was doing. I’d had to leave my purse in a locker, and wasn’t allowed to bring anything in with me at all.

“Julia,” he said, finally reaching me. He pulled me into his arms and lifted me several inches off the floor, and I choked on a sob, losing the control I tried to have. I clutched onto him, burying my face in his neck. Despite where he was, he still smelled like him. “God, I’ve missed you.” A month was a long time in between visits.

“Johnny,” I cried, my tears soaking his prison-issued shirt. “I love you so much. How are you?”

He sighed, resting his head on my shoulder as he held me, wordlessly conveying all the emotions we couldn’t put into words. “Jules.” His body shuddered, and I knew he was fighting tears. Johnny didn’t cry. Ever. “You’re so beautiful.”

He set me down on the floor and he wiped my eyes before settling us into the seats. He took my hands. “I’m okay, sweetheart. As good as I can be in this place.”

“But no one is bothering you?”

He smiled at me, and I knew he’d never tell me if they were. “I’m a big boy. I’m just fine. How are you? You look amazing as always.” Johnny always tried to change the subject off of him and onto me.

“I’m good. Work is very busy. That’s about all I have time for these days.”

He frowned at me. “You need to get out and live, Jules. You’re too young to be a work-a-holic. Don’t do that to yourself. What’s something you’ve done for you in the last week?”

I tapped my fingers on the table, trying to think. “I, uh, went and got a pedicure last weekend, does that count? I read a book on the plane?”

“Did that book have to do with architecture?” Damn, he got me.

“Yes.”

His boisterous laugh made me smile despite where we were. “Some things never change. Nothing in your personal life?”

I knew what he was asking me, but I couldn’t get into this with him. Not here and not now. Not when he had no chance of being happy or having a normal life anytime soon.

“No. I’m not looking for that.” It was a lie, but what I wanted wasn’t going to happen anyway, so it wasn’t worth mentioning.

“Not according to your face,” Johnny said.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last time?” I changed the subject. Johnny had been in here for almost two years and had nine left to go. Unless he did the one thing that would get him out of here and back to his life. I’d been coming to visit once a month for the entire time he’d been here, and our conversation about it was much the same every time. He’d rather give up his life than do what he could to make it right.

He pressed his lips in a line and breathed out, a growl coming from his throat. “Julia. It’s not as simple as it sounds.”

“It sounds pretty simple,” I argued. “You must like it here.”

His eyes flashed, and I knew I was pushing it. “Yeah. It’s a regular walk in the park. It’s a country club, really. You know, having your life threatened and a roommate that’s bipolar and guards that let shit happen and turn a blind eye. Yeah. It’s great.”

That was the most Johnny had ever told me about what happened on the inside. Tears dripped down my face, and he immediately reached over and dried them. “Julia. I’m sorry. I’ve had a bad few days. This is all I could think of to get through them. I’ve missed you so much, and I love you. Can we not fight?”

“I don’t want to fight,” I whispered. “I love you, Johnny. I want you to do what you can to make this go away.”

He looked away. “It can’t ever go away, Jules. No matter what I do. Trust me.”

“Tell me,” I pleaded.

“No.”

This conversation was much the same as last month. We were at an impasse.

“Tell me about the project you’re working on now.”

For the next half an hour, I sat and explained the entire Adams project to him. He asked questions, I answered them and we pretended that the elephant in the room wasn’t there.

“It’s time for a new intern, right? At the end of every summer?” Damn, for someone who wasn’t even in the business, he sure remembered a lot.

“Yes.”

“Who is it this year? Girl or guy?”

I pictured Carter: how his bright blue eyes focused on mine as I talked, the way his hand rubbed his short scruff as he thought about something, how he smiled when he was happy, the way his muscles moved under the dress shirts he wore every day, the way he watched me when I wasn’t looking and then looked away . . . but also the way he pushed me away but reeled me back in at just the same time.

“You don’t even have to answer that.”

My eyes snapped to his. “Answer what?”

“What’s his name?”

“Whose?”

“The guy that’s the intern.”

I stared at him for a beat too long, and he began to laugh. “You were never good at poker, Jules.”

“What does that mean?”

“Everything you think is written right on your face. Does he know?”

“Does who know what?”

“Are you in love with him?”

I stared at him. “
What
are you talking about? Weren’t you asking about the intern?”

He nodded, his dimples indenting on either side of his mouth at his amusement. “You told me all I needed to know other than what his name was.”

“I didn’t say it was a man.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Johnny.”

“I asked you if it was a girl or a guy and you went away, into outer space. You got that look in your eyes, Julia. Unless you swing the other way now, that look was about a guy. You’re gone over him. He can’t have been there for that long, so that means you’ve fallen hard and fast. Does he feel the same? What. Is. His. Name?”

“It’s not like that,” I said, feeling the flame rise into my cheeks.

He looked me up and down. “Have you told your heart that?”

I wasn’t going to get anywhere with this, and I knew it. I might as well be honest. “His name is Carter McIntyre. He’s from Florida. Things are . . . complicated.”

Johnny clapped. “I
knew
it! All things are complicated, sweetheart. Tell me more. Someone deserves to be happy.”

The bottom fell out of my stomach, and I turned away. How could I even think about talking to him about Carter when he was here, unable to see anyone but me once a month? How could I do that to him? “It’s nothing, Johnny.”

“Don’t do that. Please. It gives me a little escape from my life, to listen to you. Especially if you’re happy. Please tell me. I
need
you to be happy.”

I covered Johnny’s hands with mine. “I like him. A lot. But he has wanted this internship since he knew our company existed. He wants a permanent job. He’s got real talent, beyond even what I can do.”

“Not possible,” Johnny boasted. I rolled my eyes. Typical.

“I can appreciate that about him,” I continued. “I’ve never been the aggressor before, Johnny. It feels . . . weird. I can’t seem to help it when I’m around him.”

“What about him?”

“Well, we’ve kissed. He’s interested, but he keeps pushing away because he thinks he’s going to lose his shot at his dream.”

Johnny’s face contorted. “Julia. I’m going to tell you this one time. Listen carefully. If this man—any man—won’t put you before his job, if
you
aren’t his ‘dream’, then he isn’t the right one. A job is a job is a job. Yeah, so what. GSJ is a good company. There are a million out there. He could make his own damn company.
Don’t
settle for someone who sees you as second place. You
are
the prize, sweetheart. Freaking number one. So, screw him. Don’t go after him anymore. If he’s going to be stupid enough to push you away, he doesn’t deserve you.” He lifted my chin and rubbed his rough thumb on my cheek.

“You are the most beautiful person, Julia Aylen Gibbons. Inside and out. You have
so much
to offer, and you need to wait until the right person sees that you are a rare treasure. When you find that person, you will feel it. He will
make
you feel it, all the way to your bones.”

“How do you know so much about this?” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if Carter would ever be able to see me over his job.

Johnny looked away for a moment, and I saw him watching the same small child I’d seen earlier. “I haven’t told you everything all these years, Jules. Just know being in here wasn’t my only screw up in the world. There’s another one that hurts even worse.”

“Johnny.” I walked over to his side of the table and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around him. “I want you to come home. You can make everything right.”

“There are some things that can never be right again,” Johnny replied.

“I want to make it better for you.”

“You can’t. But you can do one thing for me.”

“Anything. You know that.”

“Be happy. Don’t work your life away. Promise me, Jules.”

I cupped his face in my hands, and for a moment we just stared into each other’s eyes. “You’re going to get to have a life again, Johnny. You know that, right? This is only temporary.”

He tightened his hold on my waist. “I have so much time left . . . it feels like I’ll die in here.”

“No.” I stood up, crossing my arms over my chest. “Don’t say that. You are
not
going to die in here. You’ll have so much of your life left when you get out. You just have to stay away from the life you had before, start over.”

A buzzer signaled, indicating the end of visiting time. Johnny stood, wrapping his strong arms around me again. “Thank you for coming, Julia. I love you. I’ll count down the hours until I get to see you again. Next month when you come, I want you to tell me you’ve been on at least a few dates, and you’re doing something other than work.”

I gripped his ugly prison shirt, wishing I never had to say goodbye again. “I love you too, Johnny. I always will.”